White (Ch. 3)
Title: White
Chapter: 3/5
Rating: PG-13(?)
Pairing: Kangteuk
Summary: Colors frightened him, so he got rid of them. But can anyone reintroduce the beauty of color to someone who does not wish to see it? (I know, bad summary)
A/N: I tried to get this up yesterday but my keyboard was being stupid and wouldn't let me type.
Jungsu’s condition didn’t change much for another month. Youngwoon continued to chat with him until Jungsu seemed to trust him a little more. For a while, Jungsu was still a bit hesitant to say - write - anything , but as time drew on, Jungsu opened up slightly. Youngwoon saw it as an improvement, even if it was only a very tiny piece of his condition. However, as soon as Youngwoon subtly began to treat Jungsu, it was very apparent that things were not going to be easy.
Youngwoon brought something into Jungsu’s room once. The man was just staring at the blank wall again. When Youngwoon sat down next to him, he diverted his eyes from the wall and looked at Youngwoon. Jungsu still never smiled at him, but he was more comfortable with Youngwoon and it was very noticeable.
Today, Jungsu was more interested in the two objects in Youngwoon’s hands. Youngwoon held a flashlight and some kind of crystal in his hands. He looked at Youngwoon with a slightly more defined frown than usual.
“Jungsu, you’re going to have to trust me on this one, alright?” It wasn’t really a question. It was more of a warning, and Jungsu had smelled it a mile away. When Youngwoon held the two objects closer to Jungsu, he realized exactly what was going on. He was going to create a rainbow.
Jungsu immediately jumped out of his bed and backed away from the objects; like they were going to attack him in some way. Youngwoon looked at Jungsu pleadingly. “Please, Jungsu. Let me help you.” But Jungsu shook his head in defiance and fear. He didn’t want to be ‘helped’ if this was how it was going to happen.
“Jungsu, please, just look at it.” He turned on the flashlight and innocent white light came forth. Then Youngwoon held up the crystal prism. On any other day, those two items would have been fine for Jungsu to see and touch, but he couldn’t have been more afraid of what they could do together.
Keeping a concerned eye Jungsu, Youngwoon moved the crystal closer to the light of the flashlight. I moved closer and closer and he was about to make his point and hopefully push something through the thick skull and small mind. He wasn’t really paying any attention until his hand began to sting. He winced and the crystal dropped to the floor.
When the prism hit the hard floor, it shattered and Youngwoon waited for his mind to register what had just happened. Jungsu was mere inches from him and his hand was extended like he had just used it to grab something. Well, in fact, he had slapped the crystal out of Youngwoon’s hand. Youngwoon looked up at Jungsu with sadness, worry, and slight anger. “I’ll leave you alone for today then.”
Youngwoon got up from his seat and turned on his heels towards the door. Jungsu just stared at the broken pieces of crystal on the floor for a few minutes. He hadn’t even realized Youngwoon was gone. He leaned down to pick up one of the pieces and just stared at it. As he saw the white walls barely reflecting off of the piece, he couldn’t help but notice how lonely he suddenly felt.
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Jungsu had been in the hospital for half a year and nothing had changed. Youngwoon made random attempts to get somewhere, but Jungsu always refused to cooperate or would have fits that resulted in the use of tranquilizers. It wasn’t just Youngwoon who was getting frustrated either. Kyuhyun hated wearing the white cap whenever he had to enter Jungsu’s room and Ryeowook didn’t enjoy breaking the rules to help Youngwoon gain his trust.
One day, Youngwoon walks in to see a very pail looking face. Jungsu was shaking all over and his expression was that of someone who was not aware of what was going on around him. “Are you alright?” he asked worriedly to Jungsu. Jungsu didn’t respond and just kept shaking under his blankets. Youngwoon lifted his hand to Jungsu’s forehead and his eyes widened. “You’re burning up!” he exclaimed.
Jungsu was rubbing his stomach absentmindedly. Youngwoon didn’t miss it. “Oh shoot!” He pulled Jungsu out of his bed as quickly as he could and got him to the bathroom. They made it just in time. Jungsu leaned over the white toilet bowl and emptied the contents of his stomach into it. His eyes involuntarily shut, his throat burned, and tears were forced out. Color bloomed behind his eyelids. Frightened, he forced his eyes open, only to see the murky brownish substance that left his stomach. He began to shake.
“Jungsu, are you alright?” asked Youngwoon next to him. Jungsu didn’t even nod or shake his head in head in response. He just continued to tremble and let the tears fall freely from his eyes. So Youngwoon just wrapped his arms around Jungsu tightly and waited for him to calm down. It wasn’t until a few minutes later that he realized the possible cause for a breakdown.
“No matter what you do, Jungsu, there are some things that you can’t change. You can’t change the fact that your blood will be red. You can’t change the fact that what just came up was brown. You can’t change the fact that when your hair grows it will be black again. You can’t change what others look like either. If you surround yourself in this illusion any longer, you won’t ever be happy.” As Youngwoon spoke, Jungsu’s shaking decreased and stopped altogether. He slowly unwound his arms from around the smaller body and sat back. There were still tears in Jungsu’s eyes, but he had calmed down significantly.
Turning his head to Youngwoon, he opened his mouth like he was going to say something. But at the last second he shut his mouth and gave a small unhappy smile instead. Youngwoon sighed and helped the other to his feet and brought him out to his bed again. “Rest for a while. I can’t give you anything right now, but I’ll bring some medicine by at lunch.”
Jungsu nodded and settled into his blankets again. When Youngwoon closed the door, Jungsu was already dozing off into sleep and beginning to dream. He dreamed of white. Pure white. It surrounded him and he wore all white and the people were all dressed in white and he felt completely safe and secure.
Wandering along the cloudlike path, he met people everywhere and none of them needed to talk to communicate. He came to a house made of all white that was undoubtedly his - because it was his dream after all - and walked in without a sound. But what happened next would forever confuse Jungsu in the dream world and the real world.
A big man stood in the very center of the white house. At first, he didn’t seem out of place. He was wearing a white suit and it looked very dashing on him. He walked towards Jungsu with a smile. When they were a mere foot apart from each other, the man spoke. “Welcome home.” he said. The room’s walls changed to very light lavender as the voice left the man’s lips.
And Jungsu was not afraid.
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It was weeks later that Jungsu’s door was practically kicked open by an angry Ryeowook. Youngwoon was behind him trying to calm him down, but even he couldn’t keep the younger under control when he was determined.
“Hyung, he needs to get out of here!” Ryeowook yelled. “He needs to be exposed to the world again.”
“You can’t just pull him out without making a little progress in here first!” spat Youngwoon.
“I’ve given you six month! I think I’ve given enough time to have your way. This time, we do it by the rules.” He grabbed Jungsu’s arm and yanked him out of the bed. Jungsu was confused and didn’t know how to react until Ryeowook brought him to the door and tried to push him out.
“Ryeowook, stop it!” Youngwoon yelled angrily.
“No! He needs this!” By this time, Jungsu was resisting. He was getting scared all over again and he hadn’t even seen any color yet.
“Ryeowook, you’re going to make him upset.” Youngwoon said worriedly. He finally managed to pull a fuming Ryeowook away from Jungsu and then put his hands on the shoulders of the alarmed male. “Jungsu, calm down. Take deep breaths.” Jungsu did as he was instructed and relaxed a little, but he was still very tense.
Youngwoon turned back to Ryeowook. “What were you thinking? You could have just thrown him back to the start, do you realize that?”
“Or I could have helped him get better.” Spat Ryeowook. “Hyung, he needs to leave this room.”
“I know that. But he needs to be prepared for it. You can’t just barge in here and expect him to-” Ryeowook wasn’t listening anymore. He stormed out and slammed the door. Youngwoon turned back to Jungsu. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what he’s thinking half the time. He acts so rashly sometimes.”
Jungsu went and got his paper and invisible ink pen. He wrote a short message and had gave it to Youngwoon to read. Youngwoon turned around and used the black light to read it.
I understand him.
“You do? How?”
His voice is green. He wants stability. He wants to help.
There was something a bit odd in the way Jungsu wrote that message. It was like he wanted their help but didn’t know how to ask for it. It was like he had realized he needed help. He had not started out that way. Youngwoon smiled. Maybe they were getting somewhere after all.
“Do you want to go outside?” Youngwoon asked. Jungsu’s face began melting into uncertainty, but Youngwoon continued before Jungsu could think too far into it. “We would only leave this room and walk around the building a bit. There will be color, but you can stare at my back if it makes you too uncomfortable. I’ll wear white.” Jungsu still looked uncertain, but at the same time he looked like he wanted to say yes. “We can go tomorrow if you want.” offered Youngwoon. Jungsu shook his head and smiled nervously. He grabbed his pad of paper and his pen and put them under his arm. Then he reached for Youngwoon’s hand. He wanted to go now.
“Are you sure?” asked Youngwoon skeptically. The way Jungsu had been acting up to then was not a convincing indication that this was something he wanted. But Youngwoon didn’t want to stop Jungsu’s progress; however little that might be. Jungsu nodded and Youngwoon smiled down at him with a fondness that grew more and more each day. “Alright, let’s go.” Youngwoon opened the door and slowly stepped out.
Jungsu’s grip tightened on Youngwoon’s hand almost immediately. “Calm down.” breathed Youngwoon softly. Jungsu breathed in through his nose and looked straight ahead of him. The walls were blank, and he was grateful for that. But a staff member passed by in a blue uniform and Jungsu’s eyes unfocused for a moment.
“Jungsu, are you alright.” asked Youngwoon when Jungsu suddenly stopped moving. Jungsu shook his head to clear his thoughts a little and then nodded. He was fighting with himself. He wanted to run away. He wanted to go back into his room and stay there. He wanted so desperately to be weak, but he had seen Youngwoon working so hard for the past half year to get him to do something. It was the least Jungsu could do to try.
“Who is this, Hyung?” Jungsu looked up to see a smiling man in front of them. He was rather short, had reddish brown hair, and had a gummy smile that made Jungsu want to laugh. But instead, he hid behind Youngwoon.
“This is Jungsu.” Youngwoon said.
“Ah, so this is the one you keep telling us about.” said another voice from behind the man with the gummy smile. It was accented. Jungsu peaked out from behind Youngwoon’s broad frame to see to whom the voice belonged to. A man with startlingly black hair. Jungsu began to shake, and yet, he could not look away. Without realizing it, he became weak in the knees and almost collapsed had not Youngwoon been there.
“Jungsu, are you alright?” came his worried voice. Jungsu’s eyes refocused and he turned his head to Youngwoon. “We can go back if you want.” offered Youngwoon. It was very tempting to Jungsu, but some part of him begged and pleaded for him to decline. So he did. He shook his head. Youngwoon still looked nervous about continuing, but he knew Jungsu was trying to get better and didn’t want to discourage it. He nodded and pulled Jungsu into a stable standing position again.
A hand made its way into Jungsu’s line of sight. Jungsu looked at it for a moment, confused. Then his eyes traveled up the arm and to the face of the owner. It was the man with the black hair. The man stared at Jungsu with soft understanding eyes. He already knew of his condition.
“I’m Hangeng. You can call me Hankyung if it’s easier.” the man said. “I’m sorry if I startled you.” His hand was still offered, and Jungsu slowly took it in his own. Jungsu turned his head away and tried not to focus on the head of black. His eyes wandered to the shorted male whose gummy smile had faded. It grew again when he realized it was his turn to introduce himself.
“I’m Hyukjae.” he said enthusiastically. “It’s nice to meet you!” Jungsu knew immediately that Hyukjae’s voice was yellow. It was so happy. But Jungsu couldn’t even bring himself to like that color. Happiness could be broken too easily.
Hangeng still hadn’t let go of Jungsu’s hand. It made him feel a little uncomfortable, but Hangeng ignored all the signs that told him so. Instead, he gave a gentle squeeze to get Jungsu’s attention. When Jungsu turned his head back towards the head of black, Hangeng just smiled and asked, “Would you like to meet the other patients?”
Youngwoon observed Jungsu from the back with careful eyes. He was obviously not comfortable, but he definitely needed this. When he saw Jungsu nod his head slightly in response to Hangeng’s question, happy fireworks were lit inside of Youngwoon’s stomach. He was about to comment on it when Hyukjae practically burst from joy.
“Let’s go meet my patient first!” he yelled as he grabbed Jungsu’s hand and dragged him down the hall. Colors whirled around him as Hyukjae sped off with him in tow, but he didn’t have time to be frightened as they all slipped away when they entered a simple room. “Donghae, I want you to meet someone!” Hyukjae called to the man sitting in his bed.
The man turned his head towards Jungsu and then back to Hyukjae. “Hyuk, I’m thirsty.” whined Donghae.
“You know I can’t give you more water right now. I’m only allowed to give you your ten glasses a day.” answered Hyukjae.
“But, I’m thirsty.” Donghae whined again.
“And last time you said you were thirsty, you almost gave yourself water poisoning. You’re not a fish, Donghae.” After Hyukjae said that, Jungsu knew what was wrong with Donghae. A hand appeared on his shoulder and Jungsu turned to see Youngwoon and Hangeng standing behind him. Turning his attention back to Hyukjae, he realized how quickly he had been forgotten. In truth, he really didn’t mind. Hyukjae was a little too happy to make him feel comfortable.
Hangeng takes Jungsu’s hand carefully again so that he doesn’t frighten Jungsu away like he almost did the first time. Slowly, he leads Jungsu to a quiet room and says, “Can you hang out with Siwon and Heechul for a few minutes? I need to speak with Youngwoon for a bit. Do you mind?” Jungsu looked around the room and noticed the two figures right away. “Siwon is completely incapable of harming anyone. And at this point, so is Heechul.” Jungsu gave an uncomprehending nod and the two men before him were gone.
He turned back to the two men in the room. There was a man just sitting as straight as a deadbolt in his bed. The other was just kneeling at the bedside with his hands folded. He didn’t show any sign that he knew Jungsu was there, so Jungsu just sat in the nearby chair. It was another few minutes before the man on his knees finally moved.
“I’m sorry, I was just praying.” the man softly. Jungsu looked at him again and saw black hair, very much like Hangeng’s hair, covering his head. Jungsu tried to shake the thought from his head. The praying man continued talking a moment later. “My name is Siwon. I was Heechul’s friend before he was sent here; five years ago.” It seemed like he added that last part as an afterthought; like it might be important. Jungsu just nodded.
“Can I show you something?” asked Siwon. Jungsu just cast an irresolute expression and waited for this man to say more, but he didn’t. Instead, Siwon took Jungsu’s silence as a yes and pulled him out of the room and into the one next to it quietly. Jungsu’s mouth dropped open at what he saw.
Papers all over the wall covered in numbers. Numbers that made no sense. Numbers that were completely random. Numbers that were usually the result of years gone by. Jungsu looked at the floor were there were two figures. One Jungsu recognized as Kyuhyun. The other he did not know.
“Sungmin, please wake up.” Jungsu heard Kyuhyun whisper to the male in front of him. But he got no response. There was evidence on his face that he had been crying. Yet the man before Kyuhyun was furiously writing down numbers and equations that no one could understand.
“As far as I’ve gathered,” began Siwon. “Kyuhyun and Sungmin were best friends. Kyuhyun always taught Sungmin math because he loved it. But as things happened, Sungmin became less and less responsive to the world around him. Kyuhyun blamed himself, so he went into this profession to help his friend.” He turned to Jungsu and fixed an intense stare on him. “Has something happened to you to make you like you are?” asked Siwon.
That night flashed through his head in an instant and he found himself nodding. Siwon smiled sadly and pulled a plastic bag from his pocket. “I’ve heard about you from Youngwoon hyung before.” He opened the plastic bag and brought out a marshmallow and an egg. “Whatever happened to you, is it really worth losing everything you have?” It was very indirect, but Jungsu understood.
He stared at the marshmallow and the egg for a long time. Finally, he took both of them in his hands and then nibbled on the marshmallow until it was gone. Now only the egg was left. Jungsu made a silent decision and looked back up to Siwon; his answer written in his eyes. The taller man smiled and patted Jungsu’s head lightly. “I’ll pray for you. Don’t lose hope.” Jungsu smiled and began to walk off before Kyuyun got up.
“Don’t tell Youngwoon hyung, please.” Kyuhyun said softly, is voice still hoarse from crying. Jungsu’s answer was a funny smile. He ad never once seen Jungsu smile tat way in the six months he had known him. It felt strange, and it felt better. Even when is friend wasn’t normal. If felt good to know that something was changing for the better.
Jungsu walked outside of the room to find Youngwoon already waiting for him. They both smiled at the same time, but Youngwoon’s breath was stolen away when he saw Jungsu’s real smile for the first time. Jungsu held up the egg were Youngwoon could see it clearly. “An egg?” asked Youngwoon. Jungsu just nodded. Then e brought it to his lips. He hesitated only for a second as the last traces of fear lingered.
Then he took a large bite and ate the whole egg for the first time in over a half year. Yoke and all.
Youngwoon couldn’t help bringing Jungsu into is arms. A breakthrough. There was a definite breakthrough. However small it was, he was putting colored food in his body again. Jungsu pulled himself away and pulled his pad and pen out from under his arm.
I can write in yellow now if that makes it easier. I still don’t feel confident enough to speak with my voice.
Youngwoon just laughed as he read the message. When he turned around, he handed the paper back to Jungsu and said, “You don’t have to push it. You’ve made tremendous progress already.” And without thinking, he pecked Jungsu on the lips in happiness. But it wasn’t long before he realized what he had just done. “O my god, I’m so sorr-” Jungsu’s lips silenced him.
And just like that, Jungsu welcomed two colors back into is life.
Chapter: 3/5
Rating: PG-13(?)
Pairing: Kangteuk
Summary: Colors frightened him, so he got rid of them. But can anyone reintroduce the beauty of color to someone who does not wish to see it? (I know, bad summary)
A/N: I tried to get this up yesterday but my keyboard was being stupid and wouldn't let me type.
Jungsu’s condition didn’t change much for another month. Youngwoon continued to chat with him until Jungsu seemed to trust him a little more. For a while, Jungsu was still a bit hesitant to say - write - anything , but as time drew on, Jungsu opened up slightly. Youngwoon saw it as an improvement, even if it was only a very tiny piece of his condition. However, as soon as Youngwoon subtly began to treat Jungsu, it was very apparent that things were not going to be easy.
Youngwoon brought something into Jungsu’s room once. The man was just staring at the blank wall again. When Youngwoon sat down next to him, he diverted his eyes from the wall and looked at Youngwoon. Jungsu still never smiled at him, but he was more comfortable with Youngwoon and it was very noticeable.
Today, Jungsu was more interested in the two objects in Youngwoon’s hands. Youngwoon held a flashlight and some kind of crystal in his hands. He looked at Youngwoon with a slightly more defined frown than usual.
“Jungsu, you’re going to have to trust me on this one, alright?” It wasn’t really a question. It was more of a warning, and Jungsu had smelled it a mile away. When Youngwoon held the two objects closer to Jungsu, he realized exactly what was going on. He was going to create a rainbow.
Jungsu immediately jumped out of his bed and backed away from the objects; like they were going to attack him in some way. Youngwoon looked at Jungsu pleadingly. “Please, Jungsu. Let me help you.” But Jungsu shook his head in defiance and fear. He didn’t want to be ‘helped’ if this was how it was going to happen.
“Jungsu, please, just look at it.” He turned on the flashlight and innocent white light came forth. Then Youngwoon held up the crystal prism. On any other day, those two items would have been fine for Jungsu to see and touch, but he couldn’t have been more afraid of what they could do together.
Keeping a concerned eye Jungsu, Youngwoon moved the crystal closer to the light of the flashlight. I moved closer and closer and he was about to make his point and hopefully push something through the thick skull and small mind. He wasn’t really paying any attention until his hand began to sting. He winced and the crystal dropped to the floor.
When the prism hit the hard floor, it shattered and Youngwoon waited for his mind to register what had just happened. Jungsu was mere inches from him and his hand was extended like he had just used it to grab something. Well, in fact, he had slapped the crystal out of Youngwoon’s hand. Youngwoon looked up at Jungsu with sadness, worry, and slight anger. “I’ll leave you alone for today then.”
Youngwoon got up from his seat and turned on his heels towards the door. Jungsu just stared at the broken pieces of crystal on the floor for a few minutes. He hadn’t even realized Youngwoon was gone. He leaned down to pick up one of the pieces and just stared at it. As he saw the white walls barely reflecting off of the piece, he couldn’t help but notice how lonely he suddenly felt.
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Jungsu had been in the hospital for half a year and nothing had changed. Youngwoon made random attempts to get somewhere, but Jungsu always refused to cooperate or would have fits that resulted in the use of tranquilizers. It wasn’t just Youngwoon who was getting frustrated either. Kyuhyun hated wearing the white cap whenever he had to enter Jungsu’s room and Ryeowook didn’t enjoy breaking the rules to help Youngwoon gain his trust.
One day, Youngwoon walks in to see a very pail looking face. Jungsu was shaking all over and his expression was that of someone who was not aware of what was going on around him. “Are you alright?” he asked worriedly to Jungsu. Jungsu didn’t respond and just kept shaking under his blankets. Youngwoon lifted his hand to Jungsu’s forehead and his eyes widened. “You’re burning up!” he exclaimed.
Jungsu was rubbing his stomach absentmindedly. Youngwoon didn’t miss it. “Oh shoot!” He pulled Jungsu out of his bed as quickly as he could and got him to the bathroom. They made it just in time. Jungsu leaned over the white toilet bowl and emptied the contents of his stomach into it. His eyes involuntarily shut, his throat burned, and tears were forced out. Color bloomed behind his eyelids. Frightened, he forced his eyes open, only to see the murky brownish substance that left his stomach. He began to shake.
“Jungsu, are you alright?” asked Youngwoon next to him. Jungsu didn’t even nod or shake his head in head in response. He just continued to tremble and let the tears fall freely from his eyes. So Youngwoon just wrapped his arms around Jungsu tightly and waited for him to calm down. It wasn’t until a few minutes later that he realized the possible cause for a breakdown.
“No matter what you do, Jungsu, there are some things that you can’t change. You can’t change the fact that your blood will be red. You can’t change the fact that what just came up was brown. You can’t change the fact that when your hair grows it will be black again. You can’t change what others look like either. If you surround yourself in this illusion any longer, you won’t ever be happy.” As Youngwoon spoke, Jungsu’s shaking decreased and stopped altogether. He slowly unwound his arms from around the smaller body and sat back. There were still tears in Jungsu’s eyes, but he had calmed down significantly.
Turning his head to Youngwoon, he opened his mouth like he was going to say something. But at the last second he shut his mouth and gave a small unhappy smile instead. Youngwoon sighed and helped the other to his feet and brought him out to his bed again. “Rest for a while. I can’t give you anything right now, but I’ll bring some medicine by at lunch.”
Jungsu nodded and settled into his blankets again. When Youngwoon closed the door, Jungsu was already dozing off into sleep and beginning to dream. He dreamed of white. Pure white. It surrounded him and he wore all white and the people were all dressed in white and he felt completely safe and secure.
Wandering along the cloudlike path, he met people everywhere and none of them needed to talk to communicate. He came to a house made of all white that was undoubtedly his - because it was his dream after all - and walked in without a sound. But what happened next would forever confuse Jungsu in the dream world and the real world.
A big man stood in the very center of the white house. At first, he didn’t seem out of place. He was wearing a white suit and it looked very dashing on him. He walked towards Jungsu with a smile. When they were a mere foot apart from each other, the man spoke. “Welcome home.” he said. The room’s walls changed to very light lavender as the voice left the man’s lips.
And Jungsu was not afraid.
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It was weeks later that Jungsu’s door was practically kicked open by an angry Ryeowook. Youngwoon was behind him trying to calm him down, but even he couldn’t keep the younger under control when he was determined.
“Hyung, he needs to get out of here!” Ryeowook yelled. “He needs to be exposed to the world again.”
“You can’t just pull him out without making a little progress in here first!” spat Youngwoon.
“I’ve given you six month! I think I’ve given enough time to have your way. This time, we do it by the rules.” He grabbed Jungsu’s arm and yanked him out of the bed. Jungsu was confused and didn’t know how to react until Ryeowook brought him to the door and tried to push him out.
“Ryeowook, stop it!” Youngwoon yelled angrily.
“No! He needs this!” By this time, Jungsu was resisting. He was getting scared all over again and he hadn’t even seen any color yet.
“Ryeowook, you’re going to make him upset.” Youngwoon said worriedly. He finally managed to pull a fuming Ryeowook away from Jungsu and then put his hands on the shoulders of the alarmed male. “Jungsu, calm down. Take deep breaths.” Jungsu did as he was instructed and relaxed a little, but he was still very tense.
Youngwoon turned back to Ryeowook. “What were you thinking? You could have just thrown him back to the start, do you realize that?”
“Or I could have helped him get better.” Spat Ryeowook. “Hyung, he needs to leave this room.”
“I know that. But he needs to be prepared for it. You can’t just barge in here and expect him to-” Ryeowook wasn’t listening anymore. He stormed out and slammed the door. Youngwoon turned back to Jungsu. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what he’s thinking half the time. He acts so rashly sometimes.”
Jungsu went and got his paper and invisible ink pen. He wrote a short message and had gave it to Youngwoon to read. Youngwoon turned around and used the black light to read it.
I understand him.
“You do? How?”
His voice is green. He wants stability. He wants to help.
There was something a bit odd in the way Jungsu wrote that message. It was like he wanted their help but didn’t know how to ask for it. It was like he had realized he needed help. He had not started out that way. Youngwoon smiled. Maybe they were getting somewhere after all.
“Do you want to go outside?” Youngwoon asked. Jungsu’s face began melting into uncertainty, but Youngwoon continued before Jungsu could think too far into it. “We would only leave this room and walk around the building a bit. There will be color, but you can stare at my back if it makes you too uncomfortable. I’ll wear white.” Jungsu still looked uncertain, but at the same time he looked like he wanted to say yes. “We can go tomorrow if you want.” offered Youngwoon. Jungsu shook his head and smiled nervously. He grabbed his pad of paper and his pen and put them under his arm. Then he reached for Youngwoon’s hand. He wanted to go now.
“Are you sure?” asked Youngwoon skeptically. The way Jungsu had been acting up to then was not a convincing indication that this was something he wanted. But Youngwoon didn’t want to stop Jungsu’s progress; however little that might be. Jungsu nodded and Youngwoon smiled down at him with a fondness that grew more and more each day. “Alright, let’s go.” Youngwoon opened the door and slowly stepped out.
Jungsu’s grip tightened on Youngwoon’s hand almost immediately. “Calm down.” breathed Youngwoon softly. Jungsu breathed in through his nose and looked straight ahead of him. The walls were blank, and he was grateful for that. But a staff member passed by in a blue uniform and Jungsu’s eyes unfocused for a moment.
“Jungsu, are you alright.” asked Youngwoon when Jungsu suddenly stopped moving. Jungsu shook his head to clear his thoughts a little and then nodded. He was fighting with himself. He wanted to run away. He wanted to go back into his room and stay there. He wanted so desperately to be weak, but he had seen Youngwoon working so hard for the past half year to get him to do something. It was the least Jungsu could do to try.
“Who is this, Hyung?” Jungsu looked up to see a smiling man in front of them. He was rather short, had reddish brown hair, and had a gummy smile that made Jungsu want to laugh. But instead, he hid behind Youngwoon.
“This is Jungsu.” Youngwoon said.
“Ah, so this is the one you keep telling us about.” said another voice from behind the man with the gummy smile. It was accented. Jungsu peaked out from behind Youngwoon’s broad frame to see to whom the voice belonged to. A man with startlingly black hair. Jungsu began to shake, and yet, he could not look away. Without realizing it, he became weak in the knees and almost collapsed had not Youngwoon been there.
“Jungsu, are you alright?” came his worried voice. Jungsu’s eyes refocused and he turned his head to Youngwoon. “We can go back if you want.” offered Youngwoon. It was very tempting to Jungsu, but some part of him begged and pleaded for him to decline. So he did. He shook his head. Youngwoon still looked nervous about continuing, but he knew Jungsu was trying to get better and didn’t want to discourage it. He nodded and pulled Jungsu into a stable standing position again.
A hand made its way into Jungsu’s line of sight. Jungsu looked at it for a moment, confused. Then his eyes traveled up the arm and to the face of the owner. It was the man with the black hair. The man stared at Jungsu with soft understanding eyes. He already knew of his condition.
“I’m Hangeng. You can call me Hankyung if it’s easier.” the man said. “I’m sorry if I startled you.” His hand was still offered, and Jungsu slowly took it in his own. Jungsu turned his head away and tried not to focus on the head of black. His eyes wandered to the shorted male whose gummy smile had faded. It grew again when he realized it was his turn to introduce himself.
“I’m Hyukjae.” he said enthusiastically. “It’s nice to meet you!” Jungsu knew immediately that Hyukjae’s voice was yellow. It was so happy. But Jungsu couldn’t even bring himself to like that color. Happiness could be broken too easily.
Hangeng still hadn’t let go of Jungsu’s hand. It made him feel a little uncomfortable, but Hangeng ignored all the signs that told him so. Instead, he gave a gentle squeeze to get Jungsu’s attention. When Jungsu turned his head back towards the head of black, Hangeng just smiled and asked, “Would you like to meet the other patients?”
Youngwoon observed Jungsu from the back with careful eyes. He was obviously not comfortable, but he definitely needed this. When he saw Jungsu nod his head slightly in response to Hangeng’s question, happy fireworks were lit inside of Youngwoon’s stomach. He was about to comment on it when Hyukjae practically burst from joy.
“Let’s go meet my patient first!” he yelled as he grabbed Jungsu’s hand and dragged him down the hall. Colors whirled around him as Hyukjae sped off with him in tow, but he didn’t have time to be frightened as they all slipped away when they entered a simple room. “Donghae, I want you to meet someone!” Hyukjae called to the man sitting in his bed.
The man turned his head towards Jungsu and then back to Hyukjae. “Hyuk, I’m thirsty.” whined Donghae.
“You know I can’t give you more water right now. I’m only allowed to give you your ten glasses a day.” answered Hyukjae.
“But, I’m thirsty.” Donghae whined again.
“And last time you said you were thirsty, you almost gave yourself water poisoning. You’re not a fish, Donghae.” After Hyukjae said that, Jungsu knew what was wrong with Donghae. A hand appeared on his shoulder and Jungsu turned to see Youngwoon and Hangeng standing behind him. Turning his attention back to Hyukjae, he realized how quickly he had been forgotten. In truth, he really didn’t mind. Hyukjae was a little too happy to make him feel comfortable.
Hangeng takes Jungsu’s hand carefully again so that he doesn’t frighten Jungsu away like he almost did the first time. Slowly, he leads Jungsu to a quiet room and says, “Can you hang out with Siwon and Heechul for a few minutes? I need to speak with Youngwoon for a bit. Do you mind?” Jungsu looked around the room and noticed the two figures right away. “Siwon is completely incapable of harming anyone. And at this point, so is Heechul.” Jungsu gave an uncomprehending nod and the two men before him were gone.
He turned back to the two men in the room. There was a man just sitting as straight as a deadbolt in his bed. The other was just kneeling at the bedside with his hands folded. He didn’t show any sign that he knew Jungsu was there, so Jungsu just sat in the nearby chair. It was another few minutes before the man on his knees finally moved.
“I’m sorry, I was just praying.” the man softly. Jungsu looked at him again and saw black hair, very much like Hangeng’s hair, covering his head. Jungsu tried to shake the thought from his head. The praying man continued talking a moment later. “My name is Siwon. I was Heechul’s friend before he was sent here; five years ago.” It seemed like he added that last part as an afterthought; like it might be important. Jungsu just nodded.
“Can I show you something?” asked Siwon. Jungsu just cast an irresolute expression and waited for this man to say more, but he didn’t. Instead, Siwon took Jungsu’s silence as a yes and pulled him out of the room and into the one next to it quietly. Jungsu’s mouth dropped open at what he saw.
Papers all over the wall covered in numbers. Numbers that made no sense. Numbers that were completely random. Numbers that were usually the result of years gone by. Jungsu looked at the floor were there were two figures. One Jungsu recognized as Kyuhyun. The other he did not know.
“Sungmin, please wake up.” Jungsu heard Kyuhyun whisper to the male in front of him. But he got no response. There was evidence on his face that he had been crying. Yet the man before Kyuhyun was furiously writing down numbers and equations that no one could understand.
“As far as I’ve gathered,” began Siwon. “Kyuhyun and Sungmin were best friends. Kyuhyun always taught Sungmin math because he loved it. But as things happened, Sungmin became less and less responsive to the world around him. Kyuhyun blamed himself, so he went into this profession to help his friend.” He turned to Jungsu and fixed an intense stare on him. “Has something happened to you to make you like you are?” asked Siwon.
That night flashed through his head in an instant and he found himself nodding. Siwon smiled sadly and pulled a plastic bag from his pocket. “I’ve heard about you from Youngwoon hyung before.” He opened the plastic bag and brought out a marshmallow and an egg. “Whatever happened to you, is it really worth losing everything you have?” It was very indirect, but Jungsu understood.
He stared at the marshmallow and the egg for a long time. Finally, he took both of them in his hands and then nibbled on the marshmallow until it was gone. Now only the egg was left. Jungsu made a silent decision and looked back up to Siwon; his answer written in his eyes. The taller man smiled and patted Jungsu’s head lightly. “I’ll pray for you. Don’t lose hope.” Jungsu smiled and began to walk off before Kyuyun got up.
“Don’t tell Youngwoon hyung, please.” Kyuhyun said softly, is voice still hoarse from crying. Jungsu’s answer was a funny smile. He ad never once seen Jungsu smile tat way in the six months he had known him. It felt strange, and it felt better. Even when is friend wasn’t normal. If felt good to know that something was changing for the better.
Jungsu walked outside of the room to find Youngwoon already waiting for him. They both smiled at the same time, but Youngwoon’s breath was stolen away when he saw Jungsu’s real smile for the first time. Jungsu held up the egg were Youngwoon could see it clearly. “An egg?” asked Youngwoon. Jungsu just nodded. Then e brought it to his lips. He hesitated only for a second as the last traces of fear lingered.
Then he took a large bite and ate the whole egg for the first time in over a half year. Yoke and all.
Youngwoon couldn’t help bringing Jungsu into is arms. A breakthrough. There was a definite breakthrough. However small it was, he was putting colored food in his body again. Jungsu pulled himself away and pulled his pad and pen out from under his arm.
I can write in yellow now if that makes it easier. I still don’t feel confident enough to speak with my voice.
Youngwoon just laughed as he read the message. When he turned around, he handed the paper back to Jungsu and said, “You don’t have to push it. You’ve made tremendous progress already.” And without thinking, he pecked Jungsu on the lips in happiness. But it wasn’t long before he realized what he had just done. “O my god, I’m so sorr-” Jungsu’s lips silenced him.
And just like that, Jungsu welcomed two colors back into is life.