(no subject)
I just feel all stressed, I think from feeling paralyzed for so long. The dang bedbugs are so bad, I have to spray, I need the oversized lime plastic bowl to soak the spray mechanism in overnight. This is something anyone else could have done quickly. Matt said that about the mess in my room. But i had a dream the other night that seemed to say otherwise.
[edit to add:]That's from earlier. These bedbugs are driving me crazy. The worst is I get so worried about what other people will think, not that they will get hurt. This is from my upbringing and the decades of violence and hell.
I don't mean to care more about appearances. It is just a mindset I have been trying to get rid of for so long. It is just a reflection of how bad things have been.
My dream the other night was that I was doing just this little bit, growing tomatoes. In the face of all I could be doing, this was just so little. I felt so frustrated and then I was eating some of mom's pastries, which people kept giving her. I felt she was getting them unfairly, using me to make herself look like a worthy person, a saint. Lol, I should have been getting them, all of them. I ate one only, which seemed cowardly to me, yet only polite and fair, since no one knew she was cheating by hurting me, and I would just look like a jerk/bully/thief if I ate all of her stuff.
Matt came to me and he said something to me about the tomatoes, which were oddly called "puttee", put pronounced as in 'put it there', like the double O in book. What he said was that "this is really good", better than most people would do.
But when or as I woke up I thought, all this praise for nothing, I feel it is false flattery to put me to sleep about all the other things. Which is pretty darned paranoid.
I don't care for that.
I am feeling the bbs again and wonder if I should not go to my activity tonight (Bible class). I feel so stupid.
[edit to add:]That's from earlier. These bedbugs are driving me crazy. The worst is I get so worried about what other people will think, not that they will get hurt. This is from my upbringing and the decades of violence and hell.
I don't mean to care more about appearances. It is just a mindset I have been trying to get rid of for so long. It is just a reflection of how bad things have been.
My dream the other night was that I was doing just this little bit, growing tomatoes. In the face of all I could be doing, this was just so little. I felt so frustrated and then I was eating some of mom's pastries, which people kept giving her. I felt she was getting them unfairly, using me to make herself look like a worthy person, a saint. Lol, I should have been getting them, all of them. I ate one only, which seemed cowardly to me, yet only polite and fair, since no one knew she was cheating by hurting me, and I would just look like a jerk/bully/thief if I ate all of her stuff.
Matt came to me and he said something to me about the tomatoes, which were oddly called "puttee", put pronounced as in 'put it there', like the double O in book. What he said was that "this is really good", better than most people would do.
But when or as I woke up I thought, all this praise for nothing, I feel it is false flattery to put me to sleep about all the other things. Which is pretty darned paranoid.
I don't care for that.
I am feeling the bbs again and wonder if I should not go to my activity tonight (Bible class). I feel so stupid.