My fic
Well, here's my fanfic. I was going to write about the Prof's leaving do, but I suck at writing, and it wasn't really going anywhere, so i decided to take a biblical story and go from there.
Title: The Wilderness
Author: ginasketch
Rating: 15 (PG-13) for UN-PC religious humour and naughty words
Genre: Humour
Special Notes: being a woman who grew up raised with strict catholic doctrine, i can't help but be snarky about religion. If this offends you please don't read, but I doubt it will since you are all OHG fans. Also, it's very short, because I suck at writing fiction. Slate me if you wish.
Jesus sighed.
It wasn't all fun and games being the son of God. He hadn't eaten for 40 days and he felt like a very brittle twig. He supposed it was worth it. At least that's what his Dad had said. Parents were usually right weren't they?
He felt himself waning. He had barely moved for days from the location (near a large rock shading him from the harsh sun) because of severe dehydration and hunger. Oh well. Just a bit longer maybe...it would be over then.
"What ARE you doing?" snapped a voice from over on a rock.
Jesus jumped at the sound, wincing at the pain it caused.
"What?" he stammered, looking up at Satan, who had appeared on the rock filing his claws.
"I said: what are you doing? You've been sitting here for days on end and gone nearly 2 months without nosh. What is the MATTER with you? Have you been reading one of those pro-anorexia sites or something? Your bones look like they're trying to escape your body."
"Well," said Jesus, recovering slightly. "There must be a good reason for me doing this. Father wouldn't send me here if it wasn't for some sort of greater good."
"Oh please" laughed Satan. "Since when has your Daddy ever done anything that wasn't for some sort of sick entertainment? Personally I feel he only created us because he wasn't bright enough to think up Lego."
Thunder rumbled in the sky. Satan balked.
He looked at Jesus, whose breathing was shallow.
"Anyway," he said, becoming more serious. "Why do you always listen to him? Half of what he says doesn't seem to make any sense. It just brings more suffering. For the love of...uh...someone, eat or drink something. Here." Satan gave him a piece of cactus-like plant he had broken off. The inside of it was filled with water.
“Um. I really shouldn’t.”
Satan rolled his eyes.
“Look. Grab onto my claw.”
Jesus did.
They ended up on top of a temple.
Below, in the market square, people were squabbling and fighting.
“Daddy could stop all this if he wanted to” said the devil. “He just likes to watch to see what will happen. He likes testing people, and that’s exactly what he’s doing with you. Rather cruel don’t you think? Having to live your entire life with desire and then being punished for it?”
“Bitter are we?”
Satan ignored him. Then he said, “Ooh I quite fancy a donut.”
Jesus’s stomach growled. “That was uncalled for.”
“Well, come on! You could conjure up a stack of donuts if you wanted to. And water. Dammit, man, at least conjure up some bread.”
“Man cannot live by bread alone.”
“Well I could rustle up some marmite, but I think you’ve been punished enough.”
“I meant God’s word is more important than bread.
“You’re taking this whole father/son bond thing way too seriously.”
“I trust him to know what’s best.”
“You’re a masochist. That’s what you are. If you and Popsy are in some sort of weird, kinky BDSM circle I don’t want to know about it.”
“You are nothing but a foul tongued serpent who wants to lead us astray.”
“Psssh. That’s the last time I be polite to you lot. It just gets thrown back in my face. Are you this rude to everyone who offers you food and drink?”
“You know nothing. God may be testing me, but it’s all part of his plan. Besides, I know this is a one time thing. It couldn’t possibly get any worse. He wouldn’t ever put me through more pain than this.”
“Whatever.”
“Get thee behind me Satan!”
“I told you…I want no part of your kinky little…”
A blinding flash startled them both. Out from the sky descended 3 beautiful angels with shimmering wings.
“The Lord is pleased,” said one of them. They took Jesus aside and nurtured him with celestial food and water.
"Begon, serpent!" one of them hissed at Satan. "How dare you add insult to injury by mocking the poor wretch."
“Sod you lot. You're mad, the lot of ya.” said Satan, walking off. He knew a good cous cous stand around the corner, and he suddenly felt very hungry.
Out of the corner of his eye he watched them ascend to heaven.
Title: The Wilderness
Author: ginasketch
Rating: 15 (PG-13) for UN-PC religious humour and naughty words
Genre: Humour
Special Notes: being a woman who grew up raised with strict catholic doctrine, i can't help but be snarky about religion. If this offends you please don't read, but I doubt it will since you are all OHG fans. Also, it's very short, because I suck at writing fiction. Slate me if you wish.
Jesus sighed.
It wasn't all fun and games being the son of God. He hadn't eaten for 40 days and he felt like a very brittle twig. He supposed it was worth it. At least that's what his Dad had said. Parents were usually right weren't they?
He felt himself waning. He had barely moved for days from the location (near a large rock shading him from the harsh sun) because of severe dehydration and hunger. Oh well. Just a bit longer maybe...it would be over then.
"What ARE you doing?" snapped a voice from over on a rock.
Jesus jumped at the sound, wincing at the pain it caused.
"What?" he stammered, looking up at Satan, who had appeared on the rock filing his claws.
"I said: what are you doing? You've been sitting here for days on end and gone nearly 2 months without nosh. What is the MATTER with you? Have you been reading one of those pro-anorexia sites or something? Your bones look like they're trying to escape your body."
"Well," said Jesus, recovering slightly. "There must be a good reason for me doing this. Father wouldn't send me here if it wasn't for some sort of greater good."
"Oh please" laughed Satan. "Since when has your Daddy ever done anything that wasn't for some sort of sick entertainment? Personally I feel he only created us because he wasn't bright enough to think up Lego."
Thunder rumbled in the sky. Satan balked.
He looked at Jesus, whose breathing was shallow.
"Anyway," he said, becoming more serious. "Why do you always listen to him? Half of what he says doesn't seem to make any sense. It just brings more suffering. For the love of...uh...someone, eat or drink something. Here." Satan gave him a piece of cactus-like plant he had broken off. The inside of it was filled with water.
“Um. I really shouldn’t.”
Satan rolled his eyes.
“Look. Grab onto my claw.”
Jesus did.
They ended up on top of a temple.
Below, in the market square, people were squabbling and fighting.
“Daddy could stop all this if he wanted to” said the devil. “He just likes to watch to see what will happen. He likes testing people, and that’s exactly what he’s doing with you. Rather cruel don’t you think? Having to live your entire life with desire and then being punished for it?”
“Bitter are we?”
Satan ignored him. Then he said, “Ooh I quite fancy a donut.”
Jesus’s stomach growled. “That was uncalled for.”
“Well, come on! You could conjure up a stack of donuts if you wanted to. And water. Dammit, man, at least conjure up some bread.”
“Man cannot live by bread alone.”
“Well I could rustle up some marmite, but I think you’ve been punished enough.”
“I meant God’s word is more important than bread.
“You’re taking this whole father/son bond thing way too seriously.”
“I trust him to know what’s best.”
“You’re a masochist. That’s what you are. If you and Popsy are in some sort of weird, kinky BDSM circle I don’t want to know about it.”
“You are nothing but a foul tongued serpent who wants to lead us astray.”
“Psssh. That’s the last time I be polite to you lot. It just gets thrown back in my face. Are you this rude to everyone who offers you food and drink?”
“You know nothing. God may be testing me, but it’s all part of his plan. Besides, I know this is a one time thing. It couldn’t possibly get any worse. He wouldn’t ever put me through more pain than this.”
“Whatever.”
“Get thee behind me Satan!”
“I told you…I want no part of your kinky little…”
A blinding flash startled them both. Out from the sky descended 3 beautiful angels with shimmering wings.
“The Lord is pleased,” said one of them. They took Jesus aside and nurtured him with celestial food and water.
"Begon, serpent!" one of them hissed at Satan. "How dare you add insult to injury by mocking the poor wretch."
“Sod you lot. You're mad, the lot of ya.” said Satan, walking off. He knew a good cous cous stand around the corner, and he suddenly felt very hungry.
Out of the corner of his eye he watched them ascend to heaven.