(no subject)
She seemed so happy to tell me. like it was supposed to be exciting news. I almost feel bad for those two nurses who had to see me almost hyperventilate over the news. They assured me that my reaction was normal, and everything would be ok. I just can't get the image of the lady's smiling face when she gave me the news out of my head.
I guess a normal 26 year old woman should feel happy that her and her husband of three years have concieved a tiny little human. Am I wrong for hating that I'm going through this? Should I even be a little excited? Should I want it a little bit?
Every sentimental thought and feeling about this pregnancy is completely fleeting. The only reason I don't want an abortion is because I'm scared of the procedure. I don't like needles or blood draws. I don't like the thought of a knife scraping away at my uterus. I'm afraid of complications. I don't want to be sick and try to recover and I don't want to spend the money.
If I'm not brave enough to go through with this, then how could I be brave enough for motherhood?
My life has been delayed by my own stupidity long enough. I want to finish school and then finish more school. I want to have a long career that I love. A baby would hold me back.
Call it selfishness. Call it immoral. This is what I've been speaking out against. I believe in my heart that I am not meant for the life of a mother. I don't think it should be expected of me and I don't think I should feel guilty for not wanting this.
I'm still afraid to tell anyone. I tried to call Domini, the one person I actually wanted to talk to, but she's still in Costa Rica. I've been thinking about calling Suzanne, but I've wussed out on so many occasions. Selina is good to talk to, but I think she's out of town too, and I still don't if she's the person I want to discuss this with at the moment. Koshka, Angie...I want their support too, but I don't know if they can help me with this right now. Jay's asleep, and I'm alone.
Arianna called me. She's along as much as I am. She's hoping for a girl. That was weird news to get this afternoon.
Funny thing about getting what you ask for: when I took the pregnancy test the first time, I sat in that bathroom stall just wanting it to be negative, and it was. This morning I just wanted to know why I wasn't getting my period. I always get what I want.
Fucking A.
I guess a normal 26 year old woman should feel happy that her and her husband of three years have concieved a tiny little human. Am I wrong for hating that I'm going through this? Should I even be a little excited? Should I want it a little bit?
Every sentimental thought and feeling about this pregnancy is completely fleeting. The only reason I don't want an abortion is because I'm scared of the procedure. I don't like needles or blood draws. I don't like the thought of a knife scraping away at my uterus. I'm afraid of complications. I don't want to be sick and try to recover and I don't want to spend the money.
If I'm not brave enough to go through with this, then how could I be brave enough for motherhood?
My life has been delayed by my own stupidity long enough. I want to finish school and then finish more school. I want to have a long career that I love. A baby would hold me back.
Call it selfishness. Call it immoral. This is what I've been speaking out against. I believe in my heart that I am not meant for the life of a mother. I don't think it should be expected of me and I don't think I should feel guilty for not wanting this.
I'm still afraid to tell anyone. I tried to call Domini, the one person I actually wanted to talk to, but she's still in Costa Rica. I've been thinking about calling Suzanne, but I've wussed out on so many occasions. Selina is good to talk to, but I think she's out of town too, and I still don't if she's the person I want to discuss this with at the moment. Koshka, Angie...I want their support too, but I don't know if they can help me with this right now. Jay's asleep, and I'm alone.
Arianna called me. She's along as much as I am. She's hoping for a girl. That was weird news to get this afternoon.
Funny thing about getting what you ask for: when I took the pregnancy test the first time, I sat in that bathroom stall just wanting it to be negative, and it was. This morning I just wanted to know why I wasn't getting my period. I always get what I want.
Fucking A.