The Right Thing
It's been a while since I posted last. The main reason was I was getting caught in the grind at work.
I'm posting now because there has been a life-altering development recently.
Brian and I have broken up. We have chosen to remain friends. I was the one that initiated the break up. While I love Brian with all of my heart, probably more than anyone else in the world, I am not sexually attracted to him any longer. I haven't been for a long time. We've been together for over two years, and I would say it's been almost a years since my sexual attraction has died. In that time, I have been celebate (if you don't count jacking off).
When I first initiated this break up, two weeks ago, I tried desperately to put up boundries, trying to isolate him from me. But that didn't work. It hurt so much to keep him at a distance that I went out last Friday and vented some. I probably lost a lot of other friends in the process. Looking back, I realize I was angry with myself because every time Brian suffered pain, it was worse than hurting myself. I held of this pain inside of me, trying to ignore it and pretend everything was ok. I didn't want to confide in anyone because I already felt there were too many people involved. Last Friday, I blew up. I should've never went out drinking.
Things could've turned out worse, so I should be grateful. Today, we sat down and spoke with each other. We agreed that we love each other, but things can never go back to the way they were. We each have to go separate paths. It would be wonderful if we could preserve our friendship but, in the end, we have to remain true to ourselves.
Looking back, I guess that's when everything started to decay. I kept lying to myself almost a year ago. I wanted things to work out so much I was willing to lie to myself. Once you head down that path, no good can ever come of it.
So the question now is..., "What now?"
We take everything one day at a time. We remain true to ourselves and never pretend again that everything is ok.
I'm posting now because there has been a life-altering development recently.
Brian and I have broken up. We have chosen to remain friends. I was the one that initiated the break up. While I love Brian with all of my heart, probably more than anyone else in the world, I am not sexually attracted to him any longer. I haven't been for a long time. We've been together for over two years, and I would say it's been almost a years since my sexual attraction has died. In that time, I have been celebate (if you don't count jacking off).
When I first initiated this break up, two weeks ago, I tried desperately to put up boundries, trying to isolate him from me. But that didn't work. It hurt so much to keep him at a distance that I went out last Friday and vented some. I probably lost a lot of other friends in the process. Looking back, I realize I was angry with myself because every time Brian suffered pain, it was worse than hurting myself. I held of this pain inside of me, trying to ignore it and pretend everything was ok. I didn't want to confide in anyone because I already felt there were too many people involved. Last Friday, I blew up. I should've never went out drinking.
Things could've turned out worse, so I should be grateful. Today, we sat down and spoke with each other. We agreed that we love each other, but things can never go back to the way they were. We each have to go separate paths. It would be wonderful if we could preserve our friendship but, in the end, we have to remain true to ourselves.
Looking back, I guess that's when everything started to decay. I kept lying to myself almost a year ago. I wanted things to work out so much I was willing to lie to myself. Once you head down that path, no good can ever come of it.
So the question now is..., "What now?"
We take everything one day at a time. We remain true to ourselves and never pretend again that everything is ok.