(no subject)
And now it's all changed. Or maybe it's the same, and I just get it. Tip of my tongue. I breathe this toxic bullshit into the air and expect some sort of a warm response. Some sort of welcome. They say a little confidence won't do me any harm. But what's there to be confident about. Being disillusioned? Being narcisstic? You tell me because I'm just not getting it. No better yet, keep it under your tongue like a thermometer. It's time will come. And the lights will flash and you'll read 98.6 but wishing it was more like 100. Aiming for insanity because at least it's different. Then backing down the second I get called out. Maybe you're right. Maybe my defensiveness doesn't always come off the right way. I have the best intentions, but so did the Unibomber. So did Jeffery Dahlmer. This isn't a Bonnie and Clyde story, as much as I try to dream it true. Fall in love and become a recluse. Rob a couple banks and die together. The way you looked at me that first time all the blood just ran out of me. I'm sorry I never said anything, my jaw was too busy with the floor. Oh and the cast. The way I can't tell anyone how I love them, but it's all I want to do. Pathetic isn't the right word, but it'll have to do. The only thing that gets me through these days is bright eyes and a pair of them. They told me to get back in the game, but it was never a game to me. That's me, taking everything so seriously. Fuckingsickoftalking. I would leave it all behind, I swear. A woman once told me I was one of God's children. Every sign pointed to it. That I was here to in some way help - I can't even help myself. I need 'leg-ups' and 'gimmes' every day. I don't understand any languages anymore. At least not any rhetoric. I hear one thing and think another. It's like how you're really seeing everything upside down but your eye flips the picture for your brain. If I think really hard I can still see her. Tapping her feet ungratefully. The corners of her eyes, tied down by the corners of her mouth. Dogeared pages. I remember what it is now. And how everything just rolled off her back while she was rolling her eyes. Get it?
Wasting my time on fucking Anteros.
Wasting my time on fucking Anteros.