Spiritual Search and Understanding
Hello, everyone! My name is Oksana. And let me tell you why I am writting what I am going to write here. At the moment I am 32 years old. I am a happy wife and a mother of a wonderful daughter, although I guess almost every mother considers her child wonderful :))
In my life there have always been two greatest interests, which are a romantic side of life (as in looking for happiness through family) and a constant spiritual search (trying to understand the nature of happiness and how in the world we could always stay joyful and content). But, please, don't get me wrong, for genuine seekers of the Truth (the core reality of life and the truth of who you truly are) happiness is not the end of the road. So let me be consistent here.
Not to keep you bored and yawning while reading a bit about my spiritual search, I just want to say, that there is an end to this search, and it is a genuine Happy Ending, indeed. And you don't have to be perfect or even good to deserve this happy ending, because this Ultimate Reality or the Truth is already what YOU ARE!!! And while writing it I can see that it sounds so trivial and kind of obvious, and you might have read it in a million other books. But that is only so, because the Truth is always the same. And that is what I would like to share with people, who are profoundly interested, whose hearts are on fire about the Truth. So as the Life unfolds I find myself sitting on a couch and writing these words.
As a child I had no doubt that there was some greater Reality or we may say God. But ultimately in my case faith was not enough - the constant search was in progress. But again, it was only my case, and I know people, who are so open to God in a religious way, that they just can't escape enlightenment. It is only a matter of time! Because if you believe that in order to become enlightened You have to endure some spiritual exercise or become super-human, let me stop you there. The Truth is always here. It is neverchanging. And I don't really like using the word "enlightenment", because nowadays it feels loaded with meaning, and sometimes implies, that such person is SO different from others or might even have some magical powers! Which, of course, is not true. I say it againg and again: ALL people, ALL living creatures are this Truth. No difference in the core!!! NONE! Therefore here by "enlightenment" I mean "complete understanding".
So after some time I turned my attention to positive thinking and power of thought. And I was practicaly sure, that was the key: our thoughts build our everyday reality. Sounds familiar, I guess... And also as a big disappointment! Whatever thoughts I had, however positive, contentment and peace were still out of my reach. By that time I had had an inormous baggage on spiritual "knowledge" so to speak! So what happend next was that I lost faith in all that "knowledge", because it was taken from the books, it wasn't REAL for me. I stopped reading and just tried to live by the facts, which were real to me. So if it was a terrible mood, I let it be. If it was a tsunami in my head, I let it be!
And I still remember that day, a blessed day: my head was exploding and the mind was messy. But a beautiful question arouse: "Who is actually the mind talking to? Who is it arguing with? Which led me to realization, that obviously I am not my mind!" And that moment became the beginning of my profound search of the Truth! I was no more interested in finding neverending happiness. Of course, I craved for peace in my heart and in my head, but most of all I craved for the Truth! Who really am I? What is this world? Therefore I searched on the internet the following words "I am not my mind" and I found a late master Nisargadatta Maharaj! Oh, what a beautiful teacher, what a marvelous book "I AM THAT" - it spoke directly to my heart, bypassing the egotistical mind. And by heart I do not mean an emotional center, but a divine mind, which leads us to the higher understanding of human nature and life as a whole. Very soon I discovered another beautiful teacher Ramana Maharshi and dear master Mooji, who is now giving profound and heartwarming satsangs all around the world. Now I now there is just ONE and my gratitude is overwhelming to these amazing teachers! Thank YOU! Thank YOU! Thank YOU!!!
The most important pointing I could receive from those teachers at that time was the following: I am not what I perceive. So who is the One perceiving the whole world around us, including physical objects, including our body, emotions, feelings and thoughts? So step by step my attention was turning more and more towards THAT CORE in us, which actually percieves EVERY POSSIBLE THING in our life. And it was not like some kind of exercise "Ok, let's see who or what I really am", no. It was urge, I couldn't not do it. Therefore I could clearly see, that I am not my body, though it is always here, and I am not my mind (all personal thoughts, feelings, emotions). So if I put it all away, what was left? What is left?
The personal feeling of "I" or of "me" was still with me.
And here I should to say, that inner search may be very beautiful and exciting, but also painful sometimes, because all the battles take place through our thoughts, and the mind will not give up easily. It will not say "You are such a good boy/girl! I let you go! Be free!" But whatever happens, everything comes in its right time.
Therefore my spiritual search came to the only and the most crucial point "What is this "I"? What is this personal feeling of "me"?". Let's say, you come home after work, tired and maybe angry. You say "I am so tired and angry, so please, leave me alone!". Here let's take the best magnifying glass and look VERY carefully - who is this "I", that is complaining about work? Just sit as you are, relax and look at the facts, we need only facts. Of course the body is here and it might feel tired and heavy, then there is a feeling of tiredness - these you can see well, these are obvious things. Then there are multiple thoughts in your head, and they are seen by you. So now let's look at the one, who is saying "I, I'm tired". What is it, what is this feeling of I, feeling of individuality? What does it look like? Does it have the shape of your body? But you know your body - it is here. The body is just the body. What is this feeling of "I"? Is that really who you are, or are you the One, that sees and knows this feeling of I?
It may sound difficult, but it is the most natural thing to us: we are always observing without any effort all things in our lives, including this feeling of our personality. So who are you, when you don't think about yourself? Who are you, when there is no thought of "I" in your mind? Are you your body? But again - you can see your body, the body cannot see you. The intellectual answers are no good here, now you are looking AT your body and your mind from some INNER CORE, you are not looking WITH your mind.
So the next thing that happend to me was the following. Whenever a thought, which included I, arouse, deep looking into this "I" happened automatically. It is also called self-inquiry, genuine looking into the nature of I-feeling. So each time you discover, that YOU are not really this I-feeling (sometimes it is called ego) you make a step towards freedom, freedom from the ego. And here I use the term "ego" in a sense of a person or individuality. I do not mean, that an ego is something bad or selfish. Though it tends to be selfish. But some people are kind and open with the heart of pure gold, yet if they identify with their individuality, an ego is still there. In simpler words ego means separation - this is me, and that is you.
This self-inquiry was on for about two and a half years. And I have to say that during that time my mind tried all kinds of tricks, all kinds of discussions in my head, inner pressure and discomfort. One moment it felt as if the Truth was clear, the next it all could go dark... Then something beautiful happened.
It was a usual morning and I was still lying in my bed. Normally self-inquiry would start automatically in my mind. But this time was different. So soon after waking up I could hear clear words in my head: "THIS cannot be achieved by effort!" Of course I had heard it before, but only that morning I REALLY understood. And the mind stopped! It doesn't mean that no thought has ever occured to me since then, the thoughts may come and they are necessary for our functioning in life. But the identification with an "I-thought/feeling" was gone!
So again the realization was: whatever we do to achieve enlightment or Ultimate Truth cannot be it. All our actions lie in time, and whatever we do will be gone soon. We just have to stop and look at our Reality as IT IS by itself. So when the mind stopped, all search was finished right there. And as soon as the mind stops, oh my dear, the Reality is right here, IT has always been here, watching the mind and our personality and all our suffering in search for the Truth! Nothing to do, nothing to add to what just is. The life continues, but it is seen and percieved directly from the CORE of our being and not through the lenses of an ego-mind.
Now the question may come - so what EXACTLY is THIS, that has been discovered? What does it look like or what does it feel like?
Well, the immediate answer is: it is YOU, but without your ego-mind. It is YOU without your personality. What does it feel like - it feels like home, it feels absolutely natural, it is just YOU. IT has to be discovered, IT cannot be seen as an object, IT is the only subject, that sees and knows everything. Even LIFE it knows, though in its core IT is not even life. But IT is the source of life. YOU and IT - it is one, the same thing so to speak. The closest thing from outer world, which can give a little taste of the Truth is peace, constant uninterrupted peace. THIS cannot be interrupted by our mind - the mind can go nuts! So what? Whatever thoughts come, whatever mood they bring - it all is just seen against the background of unchanging PEACE. Please, realize, whatever comes, YOU can only observe it.
And now you can forget all my words and go and discover for yourself - only this matters! The words don't matter, though they may help a lot. But discovery is wordless. As dear teacher Mooji always says "keep quiet"! Which means keep inner silence. Thoughts may appear and disappear - you are not them - you are just observing them.
So what is my life like now? Whatever comes - comes, whatever goes - goes, good or bad. Life is just unfolding by itself, and it is beautiful and light. But it doesn't mean, that from now on only good things happen in my life, no, all kinds of things may take place, but still at the background of it all is unbroken peace. It's like whatever happens, you KNOW, it is all right. And the personality is also in this amazing play of life, I am still a wife and a daughter, and a mother, but now all this roles feel light, because there is no rigid identification. Of course, I realize, that this is my body and that is my family, the practical mind works fine. But also I know, that in our core being there is just ONE, and that is everybody. It's like whoever you see, you know, the difference is only superficial. From behind all eyes in the world there is just ONE, watching.