AWESOME MOVIE: MONSTERS VS. ALIENS
I just went and saw Monsters vs. Aliens, expecting a fun and funny movie with monsters battling aliens and I wouldn't have to think. BUT I WAS WONDERFULLY WRONG! Why?
THE ENTIRE MOVIE WAS A METAPHOR FOR FEMINISM! (WITH POCAHONTAS SPARKLE TEXT!)
I will be spoiling the entire movie here, so please be careful.
So, there's this harmless cute woman named Susan who's about to get married to this extremely self-centered guy named Derek. And right on her wedding day, she gets hit by this GLOWING GREEN METEOR, and turns into a fifty-foot-tall woman. With "nuclear-survivor-white" hair. So the government takes her away to this secret facility filled with other monsters.
At first Susan is all, "this sucks and I want to go home and be normal again, waah," while her new all-male cast of buddies is like, "hey we're sorry, but you're never going to get out of here...this sucks." But then she and the rest of the monsters have to fight this GIANT ALIEN ROBOT PROBE that has been sent to Earth by this purple tentacley alien guy. And since she is the only one who can really fight it, she ends up basically destroying it with only marginal help from the other monsters.
(Other monsters:
--The Missing Link, a fish-ape thing who thinks he is a macho guy and acts all macho-y while never getting anything accomplished,
--Dr. Cockroach, a spoof of The Fly, basically he's a mad scientist cockroach,
--B.O.B., an amorphous blob, and
--Insectasaurus, a gianthuge (bigger than Susan) grub thing that is paralyzed by bright lights and has barely even the intelligence of a dog)
Susan is all, "Holy crap, guys, look at what I did! I destroyed an alien robot! That was so great! I feel really proud of myself and this awesome thing that I did! And I basically did it all by myself! [actual dialogue: "There isn't a jar I can't open!"]"
And then she tries to go meet up with Derek, and he's all, "I don't want to have to deal with your problems, I am an important anchorguy, blah blah blah gtfo." At first, Susan is distraught. And then a wonderful thing happens. She gets mad. She's like, "Pff, why didn't I realize that I don't need him? It's always been all about him and never about me or us. Well, I just destroyed an alien robot and I'm not going to take that kind of shit anymore!" And her fellow monsters are supportive of her! "Yeah, you don't need him! What a jerk!"
And then she's captured by the alien guy, who as it turns out, wants the green glowy stuff from the meteor that went inside her and turned her big and strong. And she's all, "No, gtfo, it's my glowy green awesomeness!" and he traps her in this cage and is all, "muwahaha I kidnapped the girl and you'll have to wait for someone to save you!"
AND THEN SHE BUSTS OUT AND WRECKS ABOUT HALF HIS SHIP TRYING TO SMASH HIS LITTLE BUGGY TENTACLEYNESS AKSLJAKLDJSAKLDJSAKLDJ LONG BEFORE WE GET A SHOT OF THE OTHER MONSTERS AND THE GENERAL GUY COMING TO HELP BUST HER OUT KLFJAKLJSAKLDJSAKL
And then he finally manages to extract the glowy green awesomeness and uses it as a power source to make a clone army (NOTHING REMOTELY SYMBOLIC ABOUT THAT, NOPE) and for a little while Susan's like, "awww I'm normal again and I can't be awesome anymore" and then the other monsters come to help her and they do some crazy shit but EVENTUALLY the other monsters get trapped behind a door in the ship and are trapped and the ship is going to self-destruct, and they're all like, "Go save yourself, Susan! You can have a normal life now!"
And Susan's like, "BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE NORMAL! I WANT TO BE AWESOME!"
AND THEN SHE FINDS OUT THAT YOU CAN BE NORMAL AND STILL BE AWESOME AND SHE BASICALLY PWNS THE ALIEN OVERLORD ALL BY HERSELF BECAUSE SHE IS A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO CAN HAVE HER OWN SUPPORTIVE GUY FRIENDS TO HELP HER OUT BUT STILL SAVE THE WORLD IF SHE GODDAMN WANTS TO SAVE THE WORLD. And then she dumps Derek in front of all the news cameras of the world.
Because aklajdkal the green glowy stuff represents her virginity and the evil alien overlord represents the evil patriarchal society who wants everything to be controlled under the status quo and then once he extracted it, he was all, "Throw her in the incinerator because I've gotten all I wanted from her and she is now worthless," and Susan was like, "NO. I AM STRONG. I AM INVINCIBLE. I AM WOMAN," and akldjaklajlajdkaldjkaldjskaldjkaldjkaldjkald IT WAS LIKE TWO MOVIES FOR THE PRICE OF ONE!
AND THAT WASN'T ALL! There was a scene of this couple in a car and it was like a (PG-rated) teen sex in a car scene EXCEPT THE GENDER ROLES WERE REVERSED!!!!! The girl was all hot and horny on the guy, and the guy was all, "I don't think I'm ready, I want to go home, I don't feel comfortable," and then the alien robot lands near them, and the girl is like, "LET'S GO CHECK IT OUT," and the guy (the large, varsity-jacket-wearing football guy) was like, "I DON'T LIKE THIS, LET'S GO HOME," and akslsja THE GIRL ENDS UP CARRYING HIM BECAUSE HE TWISTS HIS ANKLE EEEEEEEE~
And there was more! There was an undercurrent of a theme about respecting soldiers, which I could go into but I'm really tired of writing, and all this spoofing of alien movies and THE PRESIDENT WAS STEVEN COLBERT and just ajkasldjskaldjsal GO SEE THIS MOVIE.
THE ENTIRE MOVIE WAS A METAPHOR FOR FEMINISM! (WITH POCAHONTAS SPARKLE TEXT!)
I will be spoiling the entire movie here, so please be careful.
So, there's this harmless cute woman named Susan who's about to get married to this extremely self-centered guy named Derek. And right on her wedding day, she gets hit by this GLOWING GREEN METEOR, and turns into a fifty-foot-tall woman. With "nuclear-survivor-white" hair. So the government takes her away to this secret facility filled with other monsters.
At first Susan is all, "this sucks and I want to go home and be normal again, waah," while her new all-male cast of buddies is like, "hey we're sorry, but you're never going to get out of here...this sucks." But then she and the rest of the monsters have to fight this GIANT ALIEN ROBOT PROBE that has been sent to Earth by this purple tentacley alien guy. And since she is the only one who can really fight it, she ends up basically destroying it with only marginal help from the other monsters.
(Other monsters:
--The Missing Link, a fish-ape thing who thinks he is a macho guy and acts all macho-y while never getting anything accomplished,
--Dr. Cockroach, a spoof of The Fly, basically he's a mad scientist cockroach,
--B.O.B., an amorphous blob, and
--Insectasaurus, a gianthuge (bigger than Susan) grub thing that is paralyzed by bright lights and has barely even the intelligence of a dog)
Susan is all, "Holy crap, guys, look at what I did! I destroyed an alien robot! That was so great! I feel really proud of myself and this awesome thing that I did! And I basically did it all by myself! [actual dialogue: "There isn't a jar I can't open!"]"
And then she tries to go meet up with Derek, and he's all, "I don't want to have to deal with your problems, I am an important anchorguy, blah blah blah gtfo." At first, Susan is distraught. And then a wonderful thing happens. She gets mad. She's like, "Pff, why didn't I realize that I don't need him? It's always been all about him and never about me or us. Well, I just destroyed an alien robot and I'm not going to take that kind of shit anymore!" And her fellow monsters are supportive of her! "Yeah, you don't need him! What a jerk!"
And then she's captured by the alien guy, who as it turns out, wants the green glowy stuff from the meteor that went inside her and turned her big and strong. And she's all, "No, gtfo, it's my glowy green awesomeness!" and he traps her in this cage and is all, "muwahaha I kidnapped the girl and you'll have to wait for someone to save you!"
AND THEN SHE BUSTS OUT AND WRECKS ABOUT HALF HIS SHIP TRYING TO SMASH HIS LITTLE BUGGY TENTACLEYNESS AKSLJAKLDJSAKLDJSAKLDJ LONG BEFORE WE GET A SHOT OF THE OTHER MONSTERS AND THE GENERAL GUY COMING TO HELP BUST HER OUT KLFJAKLJSAKLDJSAKL
And then he finally manages to extract the glowy green awesomeness and uses it as a power source to make a clone army (NOTHING REMOTELY SYMBOLIC ABOUT THAT, NOPE) and for a little while Susan's like, "awww I'm normal again and I can't be awesome anymore" and then the other monsters come to help her and they do some crazy shit but EVENTUALLY the other monsters get trapped behind a door in the ship and are trapped and the ship is going to self-destruct, and they're all like, "Go save yourself, Susan! You can have a normal life now!"
And Susan's like, "BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE NORMAL! I WANT TO BE AWESOME!"
AND THEN SHE FINDS OUT THAT YOU CAN BE NORMAL AND STILL BE AWESOME AND SHE BASICALLY PWNS THE ALIEN OVERLORD ALL BY HERSELF BECAUSE SHE IS A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO CAN HAVE HER OWN SUPPORTIVE GUY FRIENDS TO HELP HER OUT BUT STILL SAVE THE WORLD IF SHE GODDAMN WANTS TO SAVE THE WORLD. And then she dumps Derek in front of all the news cameras of the world.
Because aklajdkal the green glowy stuff represents her virginity and the evil alien overlord represents the evil patriarchal society who wants everything to be controlled under the status quo and then once he extracted it, he was all, "Throw her in the incinerator because I've gotten all I wanted from her and she is now worthless," and Susan was like, "NO. I AM STRONG. I AM INVINCIBLE. I AM WOMAN," and akldjaklajlajdkaldjkaldjskaldjkaldjkaldjkald IT WAS LIKE TWO MOVIES FOR THE PRICE OF ONE!
AND THAT WASN'T ALL! There was a scene of this couple in a car and it was like a (PG-rated) teen sex in a car scene EXCEPT THE GENDER ROLES WERE REVERSED!!!!! The girl was all hot and horny on the guy, and the guy was all, "I don't think I'm ready, I want to go home, I don't feel comfortable," and then the alien robot lands near them, and the girl is like, "LET'S GO CHECK IT OUT," and the guy (the large, varsity-jacket-wearing football guy) was like, "I DON'T LIKE THIS, LET'S GO HOME," and akslsja THE GIRL ENDS UP CARRYING HIM BECAUSE HE TWISTS HIS ANKLE EEEEEEEE~
And there was more! There was an undercurrent of a theme about respecting soldiers, which I could go into but I'm really tired of writing, and all this spoofing of alien movies and THE PRESIDENT WAS STEVEN COLBERT and just ajkasldjskaldjsal GO SEE THIS MOVIE.