Snippet for xfrancesca and her story
Agron took a deep breath as he stood in front of the door of their hotel room. He didn’t even know if he believed in any Gods but he was prayed to them now.
He briefly considered not telling Nasir but he knew that he couldn’t. The Syrian would see it in his eyes and Agron himself knew that he would never be able to live with himself if he tried to keep this from Nasir. He had woken up this morning with a pounding in his head. He had drank himself into a stupor last night and when he opened his eyes and looked at the clock he sensed something was wrong. He sat up and looked around, this wasn’t his hotel room. He looked to his right and instead of seeing Nasir’s jet black hair splayed across the white pillow in stark contrast; he saw a mop of blond curls.
It was then that the previous night came back to him in flash. He had gone out drinking while Nasir was working on a current case. The Syrian didn’t mind because he knew what day it was, he even asked tentatively if he could go with him but Agron declined. Ever year on the day Duro died, all Agron wanted was to be alone and shut himself off so tight he wouldn’t even let Nasir in.
Usually it wasn’t too bad; Agron would go out, get trashed, come home and fall into bed next to his lover.
Varro, he remembered was the guy’s name. He was handsome and funny and … fuck Agron didn’t even know what to do. He only knew that he had to back to Nasir. He got out of the bed and reached for his clothes, throwing then on with exceptional haste. He thought he heard the man in the bed say something as he grabbed his boots and ran out the front door but he didn’t stick around to listen.
Agron was barely out of the hotel before he turned into an alleyway and threw up. The German could hold his liquor pretty well but this morning his stomach felt like it was in knots and his heart felt worse. He leaned with his hand against the wall as he emptied the contents of his stomach. When said stomach was as hollow as it could be Agron growled at his own stupidity and knocked his head against the wall. He took out his phone and looked at the texts Nasir had let him, he had turned his phone off after the second text last night.
There were at least ten texts which had gone from gentle to frustrated to angry to sorrowful. Agron leant against the other side of the alleyway wall and slid down to crouch into a ball and curl in on himself. He hadn’t cried since the night Duro died but he had never felt like crying this much in his life. When he lost Duro, his feelings were all so simple. Now they were a muddled mess of shame and guilt and hatred and anger at himself.
Agron almost knocked before he entered he and Nasir’s room.
The Syrian was sitting on the bed reading that book Arabic myths that his mother use to read to him as a child. That made Agron even more worried because Nasir usually only read that when he was sad or lonely or worried. The dark haired man looked up and the guilt came back tenfold from Agron as he saw the look of relief on his lover’s face. The Syrian stood up and made to go to him but Agron put his hands up and to stop Nasir in his trackers and walked around him.
Agron swallowed, he felt like he was going to be sick but he had to say this.
“Agron,” said Nasir’s voice, gentle and questioning. “I know it’s been difficult lately but you can’t just shut me out like this.”
“Nasir I slept with someone else.” A tear made its way from Agron’s eyes down his cheek. He didn’t mean to sound so abrupt but he couldn’t think of any other way to say it.
He didn’t know what he expected to be yelled at, Nasir hardly ever yelled but it would have been better if he did. The Syrian was silent, at first looking like he didn’t quite understand what Agron was saying.
“What?” he said in a breathy whisper.
“It happened last night and it was just one time and I don’t know how I could do that to you because you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
Still, Nasir just stared blankly. He had excellent control of his emotions and no-one would have guessed that he had just been told that his lover had betrayed him. However Agron could see the glaring look of hurt and disappointment in Nasir’s eyes. He stepped forward with his hand outstretched to try and touch his lover but the latter just held up his hands with the same blank look on his face and walked out the door.
It was then that Agron collapsed onto the floor in hysterics; the tears just wouldn’t stop coming and the punches he was delivering to the floor were producing complaining sounds from however was in the room underneath him but the German didn’t care as he ran into the bathroom to throw up again.
********
The car was silent and had been so since they got in. Nasir hadn’t spoken to him in a week and the blank look on his face hadn’t shifted. The Syrian had gone down to the lobby and booked himself a separate room the night Agron told him he had slept with Varro and all throughout that job they had said nothing to each other.
They pulled up outside a motel in the pouring rain. There had been a thunder storm and the two men got drench to the bone in the five seconds it took for them to walk from the car to the front door.
“Two singles,” Nasir said to the angel faced boy who was behind the check in desk an Agron’s heart sank.
The young reception worker typed Nasir’s request into the computer while Agron tried to grab the bags. He usually carried then whilst Nasir was dealing with someone but the Syrian held onto his bagthis time, pulling it out of Agron’s reach. “I’m sorry sir, we only have double rooms available at the moment.”
Agron looked at Nasir, holding his breath to see what he would do. If he wanted to go out again and brave horrendous weather like this just to avoid sleeping in the same room as Agron then the German was fucked.
“We’ll take a double,” Nasir said in a pleasant yet dull tone.
Agron knew that his heart shouldn’t have soared the way it did because Nasir’s hand was forced by circumstance but perhaps this could help.
********
Nasir set his bag down as they entered the room and Agron set his own bag next to it. The long haired man then just stopped in the middle of the room and stood there with his back to Agron.
“Please say something,” whispered the German.
“I have nothing to say.”
“Tell me what you’re thinking. Tell me what I can do to make this better. Punish me any way you want but please don’t shut me out like this.”
It was then that Nasir’s head snapped around and his dark, brown eyes normally do gentle were burning into his skull. “Oh, I know what it feels like to be shut out Agron. I know that shit can happen when you don’t talk about this but what the hell do you want me to say?”
“I want you to tell me what to do.”
Nasir then let out a cruel laugh and looked like he wanted to say something but kept silent. Then his face dropped back into a blank canvas. “You want me to tell you what I’m thinking. Okay then, why him?”
Agron was confused. “What?”
“You’re the one who wanted to talk Agron. Come on then, tell me why him? Was it because he was blond? Was it because he was tall? Was it because he was American? What exactly were you looking for?”
A dawning realisation swept over Agron and behind the thick layer of pain he felt genuine surprise at the question. Nasir was always to confident, so self-assured; he knew his own heart and mind and now he was asking if Agron was looking for someone who wasn’t him. The German only had a second to wonder if Nasir truly thought that or if being forced to answer this was just part of his punishment.
“Don’t have an answer? Okay let’s try another. Was he good?” Agron knew that question was coming; he didn’t answer. “Still nothing to say? Okay here’s one you should be able to answer. You want to tell you how to make this better. Tell me what you would want me to do if I had slept with someone else.”
Agron’s head snapped up to look at his lover and all in one wave he realised how much he had hurt Nasir. If the German had found out that someone else had been with Nasir he would have flown into a grief stricken rage. He knew that the tightening feeling of guilt in his stomach was nothing compared to the feeling of betrayal he knew he would feel if Nasir had let someone else be that intimate with him. Nasir was feeling that now.
“Answer me Agron. How would you feel if you knew that I had let another man kiss me and touch me and make love to me?”
“Stop it,” Agron whispered.
“If you knew that I had ran my hands all over his skin…”
“STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT,” Agron yelled, gritting his teeth. His stomach was coiling and his heart was pounding in his ears just thinking about it. “Yes, yes I would have been distraught.”
“What would you want me to do?”
“I don’t know. I just know that I wouldn’t want to lose you.”
For the first time in a week Nasir’s face showed true emotion and it was one of devastation and total exhaustion and Agron felt tears make their way down his cheeks again. Then Nasir started to move, he was heading for the door. He was probably just going to leave for a while so he could walk around because the last thing he wanted to do was cry in front of someone who had hurt him. However Agron panicked when he saw his lover heading for the door and ran to him, grabbing his around the shoulders and holding him tight.
“PLEASE DON’T LEAVE,” he cried in desperation. Nasir didn’t hold Argon back but he didn’t fight either.
“I don’t know what to do,” the Syrian whispered.
“Just don’t go. I don’t care about anything else. All I know is that I can’t imagine my life without you.” He kissed Nasir’s forehead. “Without your brilliant mind.” He then kissed Nasir’s cheek. “Without your beautiful face, without your strength and your honesty.” Then he gripped Nasir’s shoulder and went to his knees pressing his lips against Nasir’s chest as he went down. “I can’t live without you and your heart, your good kind heart Nasir. I can’t … I …”
Agron couldn’t finish what he was saying so he just stayed on the ground, holding onto Nasir and they stayed like that for a long time.
“I’m tired,” said Nasir. He wasn’t so far away from the bed so he dislodged himself from Agron by sitting down and lifting his legs up onto the bed. He didn’t even bother to pulled the covers down or take his clothes off. He just closed his eyes. “You wanted to know what to do.” Agron looked up at those words feeling hopeful. “I don’t know but for now just hold me.”
The German then climbed on the bed and laid his on Nasir’s chest and fell asleep to the sound of his heartbeat.
He briefly considered not telling Nasir but he knew that he couldn’t. The Syrian would see it in his eyes and Agron himself knew that he would never be able to live with himself if he tried to keep this from Nasir. He had woken up this morning with a pounding in his head. He had drank himself into a stupor last night and when he opened his eyes and looked at the clock he sensed something was wrong. He sat up and looked around, this wasn’t his hotel room. He looked to his right and instead of seeing Nasir’s jet black hair splayed across the white pillow in stark contrast; he saw a mop of blond curls.
It was then that the previous night came back to him in flash. He had gone out drinking while Nasir was working on a current case. The Syrian didn’t mind because he knew what day it was, he even asked tentatively if he could go with him but Agron declined. Ever year on the day Duro died, all Agron wanted was to be alone and shut himself off so tight he wouldn’t even let Nasir in.
Usually it wasn’t too bad; Agron would go out, get trashed, come home and fall into bed next to his lover.
Varro, he remembered was the guy’s name. He was handsome and funny and … fuck Agron didn’t even know what to do. He only knew that he had to back to Nasir. He got out of the bed and reached for his clothes, throwing then on with exceptional haste. He thought he heard the man in the bed say something as he grabbed his boots and ran out the front door but he didn’t stick around to listen.
Agron was barely out of the hotel before he turned into an alleyway and threw up. The German could hold his liquor pretty well but this morning his stomach felt like it was in knots and his heart felt worse. He leaned with his hand against the wall as he emptied the contents of his stomach. When said stomach was as hollow as it could be Agron growled at his own stupidity and knocked his head against the wall. He took out his phone and looked at the texts Nasir had let him, he had turned his phone off after the second text last night.
There were at least ten texts which had gone from gentle to frustrated to angry to sorrowful. Agron leant against the other side of the alleyway wall and slid down to crouch into a ball and curl in on himself. He hadn’t cried since the night Duro died but he had never felt like crying this much in his life. When he lost Duro, his feelings were all so simple. Now they were a muddled mess of shame and guilt and hatred and anger at himself.
Agron almost knocked before he entered he and Nasir’s room.
The Syrian was sitting on the bed reading that book Arabic myths that his mother use to read to him as a child. That made Agron even more worried because Nasir usually only read that when he was sad or lonely or worried. The dark haired man looked up and the guilt came back tenfold from Agron as he saw the look of relief on his lover’s face. The Syrian stood up and made to go to him but Agron put his hands up and to stop Nasir in his trackers and walked around him.
Agron swallowed, he felt like he was going to be sick but he had to say this.
“Agron,” said Nasir’s voice, gentle and questioning. “I know it’s been difficult lately but you can’t just shut me out like this.”
“Nasir I slept with someone else.” A tear made its way from Agron’s eyes down his cheek. He didn’t mean to sound so abrupt but he couldn’t think of any other way to say it.
He didn’t know what he expected to be yelled at, Nasir hardly ever yelled but it would have been better if he did. The Syrian was silent, at first looking like he didn’t quite understand what Agron was saying.
“What?” he said in a breathy whisper.
“It happened last night and it was just one time and I don’t know how I could do that to you because you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
Still, Nasir just stared blankly. He had excellent control of his emotions and no-one would have guessed that he had just been told that his lover had betrayed him. However Agron could see the glaring look of hurt and disappointment in Nasir’s eyes. He stepped forward with his hand outstretched to try and touch his lover but the latter just held up his hands with the same blank look on his face and walked out the door.
It was then that Agron collapsed onto the floor in hysterics; the tears just wouldn’t stop coming and the punches he was delivering to the floor were producing complaining sounds from however was in the room underneath him but the German didn’t care as he ran into the bathroom to throw up again.
********
The car was silent and had been so since they got in. Nasir hadn’t spoken to him in a week and the blank look on his face hadn’t shifted. The Syrian had gone down to the lobby and booked himself a separate room the night Agron told him he had slept with Varro and all throughout that job they had said nothing to each other.
They pulled up outside a motel in the pouring rain. There had been a thunder storm and the two men got drench to the bone in the five seconds it took for them to walk from the car to the front door.
“Two singles,” Nasir said to the angel faced boy who was behind the check in desk an Agron’s heart sank.
The young reception worker typed Nasir’s request into the computer while Agron tried to grab the bags. He usually carried then whilst Nasir was dealing with someone but the Syrian held onto his bagthis time, pulling it out of Agron’s reach. “I’m sorry sir, we only have double rooms available at the moment.”
Agron looked at Nasir, holding his breath to see what he would do. If he wanted to go out again and brave horrendous weather like this just to avoid sleeping in the same room as Agron then the German was fucked.
“We’ll take a double,” Nasir said in a pleasant yet dull tone.
Agron knew that his heart shouldn’t have soared the way it did because Nasir’s hand was forced by circumstance but perhaps this could help.
********
Nasir set his bag down as they entered the room and Agron set his own bag next to it. The long haired man then just stopped in the middle of the room and stood there with his back to Agron.
“Please say something,” whispered the German.
“I have nothing to say.”
“Tell me what you’re thinking. Tell me what I can do to make this better. Punish me any way you want but please don’t shut me out like this.”
It was then that Nasir’s head snapped around and his dark, brown eyes normally do gentle were burning into his skull. “Oh, I know what it feels like to be shut out Agron. I know that shit can happen when you don’t talk about this but what the hell do you want me to say?”
“I want you to tell me what to do.”
Nasir then let out a cruel laugh and looked like he wanted to say something but kept silent. Then his face dropped back into a blank canvas. “You want me to tell you what I’m thinking. Okay then, why him?”
Agron was confused. “What?”
“You’re the one who wanted to talk Agron. Come on then, tell me why him? Was it because he was blond? Was it because he was tall? Was it because he was American? What exactly were you looking for?”
A dawning realisation swept over Agron and behind the thick layer of pain he felt genuine surprise at the question. Nasir was always to confident, so self-assured; he knew his own heart and mind and now he was asking if Agron was looking for someone who wasn’t him. The German only had a second to wonder if Nasir truly thought that or if being forced to answer this was just part of his punishment.
“Don’t have an answer? Okay let’s try another. Was he good?” Agron knew that question was coming; he didn’t answer. “Still nothing to say? Okay here’s one you should be able to answer. You want to tell you how to make this better. Tell me what you would want me to do if I had slept with someone else.”
Agron’s head snapped up to look at his lover and all in one wave he realised how much he had hurt Nasir. If the German had found out that someone else had been with Nasir he would have flown into a grief stricken rage. He knew that the tightening feeling of guilt in his stomach was nothing compared to the feeling of betrayal he knew he would feel if Nasir had let someone else be that intimate with him. Nasir was feeling that now.
“Answer me Agron. How would you feel if you knew that I had let another man kiss me and touch me and make love to me?”
“Stop it,” Agron whispered.
“If you knew that I had ran my hands all over his skin…”
“STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT,” Agron yelled, gritting his teeth. His stomach was coiling and his heart was pounding in his ears just thinking about it. “Yes, yes I would have been distraught.”
“What would you want me to do?”
“I don’t know. I just know that I wouldn’t want to lose you.”
For the first time in a week Nasir’s face showed true emotion and it was one of devastation and total exhaustion and Agron felt tears make their way down his cheeks again. Then Nasir started to move, he was heading for the door. He was probably just going to leave for a while so he could walk around because the last thing he wanted to do was cry in front of someone who had hurt him. However Agron panicked when he saw his lover heading for the door and ran to him, grabbing his around the shoulders and holding him tight.
“PLEASE DON’T LEAVE,” he cried in desperation. Nasir didn’t hold Argon back but he didn’t fight either.
“I don’t know what to do,” the Syrian whispered.
“Just don’t go. I don’t care about anything else. All I know is that I can’t imagine my life without you.” He kissed Nasir’s forehead. “Without your brilliant mind.” He then kissed Nasir’s cheek. “Without your beautiful face, without your strength and your honesty.” Then he gripped Nasir’s shoulder and went to his knees pressing his lips against Nasir’s chest as he went down. “I can’t live without you and your heart, your good kind heart Nasir. I can’t … I …”
Agron couldn’t finish what he was saying so he just stayed on the ground, holding onto Nasir and they stayed like that for a long time.
“I’m tired,” said Nasir. He wasn’t so far away from the bed so he dislodged himself from Agron by sitting down and lifting his legs up onto the bed. He didn’t even bother to pulled the covers down or take his clothes off. He just closed his eyes. “You wanted to know what to do.” Agron looked up at those words feeling hopeful. “I don’t know but for now just hold me.”
The German then climbed on the bed and laid his on Nasir’s chest and fell asleep to the sound of his heartbeat.