If you're not a native speaker...
Lássuk, vajon működik-e...
Nos, ez egy fanfic lenne, igen, _A_ webcomichoz, whatever... Nem ez a lényeg. Hanem, hogy szereztem hozzá bétát. A csaj gyors volt, és ki is javított egy csomó mindent, és sok helyen teljesen igaza volt, de itt-ott szerintem a megjegyzései kimerítik a szarrágás fogalmát. Vagy csak én érzem így...? O_o Mindenesetre fic, akinek vannak ötletei, az sikítson.
Nincs befejezve; a rating olyan PG-PG-13, semmi túl graphic.
Eventually, it all came together. [what all came together? starting with an it doesn't actually tell us anything- except for that something unspecified happened] {I'm pretty sure that that was my intention. 'Something has happened. Here's what.'} I see what you mean, the only problem is that it still reads really awkwardly. Try rewording so it's more of a hook and less of a random line?
Ples immediately noticed the pale young man with his stylish clothes by Hanna's side and while he wasn't usually the one to initiate, he eventually gathered all his courage and invited Conrad for a drink. Which naturally meant that there would be conversation, since Ples was the only one doing the drinking. Unfortunately, Bloody Mary, despite the name, is still unsuitable for vampires.
It didn't take long for them to realize that they understood each other quite well. Conrad could relax in the accountant's company; the quiet, good-natured man was a wonderful change after Hanna's enthusiasm. Ples, on the other hand, was grateful that Conrad kept on calling as well as inviting him to cafés, bars and elegant places. They could sit together for hours on end and talk about books, music, art or just whatever came to their minds.
Soon, they invited each other to their own places, too. They started exchanging books, and as they kept on discussing Stephen King and Terry Pratchett, music was playing in the background, curling around them like mist. Ples' choices were a few carefully selected classical composers while Conrad preferred smooth jazz.
On rare occasions, Ples played something on his piano and Conrad listened in awe. The older man's delicately boned hands danced over the keyboard, green eyes half-lidded, a soft smile playing about his lips and Conrad, after some hesitation, admitted to himself that Ples was a rather good-looking fellow.
Things might have stopped at that, both parties being a bit too shy to advance, however one day, while listening to some nice music, Ples mentioned that he was a skilled dancer. It only took a moment of hesitation for Conrad to seize the opportunity, and he asked his friend if Ples could teach him. After all, ballroom dances weren't really his forte.
Ples agreed, secretly quite happy about the progress of their relationship, gladly started educating the young vampire, patiently explaining the steps and gently guiding him around the room. One lesson followed another and since Ples' stash was rather limited, Conrad took it upon himself to find modern songs with the appropriate rhythm. He never noticed before how many popular songs were actually waltzes, not to mention the wide variety of other rhythms suitable for the many dances Ples was skilled at. ['the progress' is really quite unspecified here. is he happy about the progress in the relationship? because we don't even really know yet that he wants one from Conrad. Or their talks?] {Elaborated on it a bit; hopefully it works now} [kept on from where? he hasn't exactly started teaching him yet. or was he educating him about books and music and so you're trying to say that he's happy to also teach dance?] {now it's hopefully clearer} [what pattern are you referring to? {fixed - reference moved to the next paragraph, where it's clearer} and what does that have to do with Conrad starting to chose the songs? Besides that, Ples' music would actually be the most appropriate as it is actual classical music, meant to be danced to like that. Popular songs would likely have a much too fast beat...?]{The usage of 'popular' might be a tad of a stretch here indeed, because I'm referring to 80's songs mostly. Quite a few of those are slower, or just a little bit faster than the regular rhythm of the waltz (and wiener waltz is insanely fast as it is). I'm rather sure of this, because when I listen to music, sometimes I deliberately watch the rhythm, trying to match it up to dances I know. Also, Ples is known to have a knowledge in 'swing dancing', which is a collective term including a few dances, which can be fast - or slow. I think my ideas were not coming through properly again, so I elaborated a little.} While I still disagree to a point it's definitely clearer so it's all good.
Moreover, pop songs had lyrics and they were more often than not about love and passion, and quite soon, they started to make up a certain suggestive pattern. It didn't take long for Ples to notice that and it encouraged him to be a little bit bolder; allowing a hand to linger on Conrad's shoulder for a heartbeat, slipping an arm around his slender waist like a gentle caress, leaning a bit closer than necessary for a moment. [I'm not actually sure what you mean to say by 'forgetting a hand' on his shoulder, how do you forget where your hand is? because that's what it sounds like you're saying | also, I assume that Ples is dancing the girl's half of it? if he's trying to teach Conrad it would only make sense that Conrad wants to learn the guys' half of the music - but the problem with that is that the girl really doesn't have an arm around the guy's waist...] {forgetting a hand somewhere is an expression my mother tongue uses. I rephrased it so it sounds better now. And I imagined that at times, Ples would show a step or move where he has to place his hand on Conrad's waist, or he is just being an old lustful goat.}
The wordless courting eventually came to a wonderful finale. They were dancing again, the music just right, the lyrics encouraging, and Conrad took the leap. When Ples leaned close enough, he kissed him.
There was only a moment of a pause before the older man wrapped his long arms around the vampire and kissed back. The contact only breaking when Ples needed to breathe - Conrad wasn't bothered by such small inconveniences.
Then, there was silence for a while; they didn't quite know what to say but the awkwardness dissolved into quiet laughter.
"I haven't been kissed like that for quite a long time," Ples confessed. Conrad would have blushed had he been still capable of it. "I... er, you're not bad at it at all, either... And I'm glad you don't mind." [ wouldn't he still be capable of blushing? i think he does in the comic? but not only that- blushing is a movement of blood, which i assume is something you want conrad to be able to do as that's basically how someone gets hard...] {Since vampires do not have a beating heart, they don't have a circulation either, which essentially means no erections. I actually consulted about the problem with a few of my friends, and we ended up with firmly declaring "IT'S MAGIC". I'm all for logic and technical details, but it kinda fails when it comes to the paranormal. I think that's the point of it. I guess I involuntarily thought of Anne Rice's vampires here.} I still suggest changing it as it will come across strangely for people to read. if magic works for erections, then why not blushing was my point. if we're going to go with a 'magic' theory then it's best if it's consistent.
[Ples hasn't actually said that he didn't mind- so this statement comes off very weirdly. {Conrad sort of refers to his own boldness here. Besides, he IS full of issues. }
"Conrad, I am homosexual," Ples said, still smiling. "I should be the one who applauds your bravery. I'm... very glad that you took the initiative. And while we're at it, I should thank you for dragging me out of my shell, I've never had such fun than when I was with you during these past weeks." He lowered his head almost shyly. "Please keep on taking me out." [usually emphasis is signalled by italics, so would you prefer it to be am which will add italics?] {I would have changed that when posting anywhere.} [it's also generally considered bad to use too much of this sort of thing, 'the brunet' 'the french man' 'the mobster' etc. I suggest changing it to 'Ples said' or even 'he replied'] {I'll never get used to this. First thing my teachers taught us about writing was NO REPETITIONS, and thus it makes my brain scream, how English only uses one or two words to refer to somebody. (not to make excuses, just stating the facts)} Alright. In a lot of cases your teacher would be correct, yes. But this tends to be an exception, he said doesn't feel like repetition as it works something like the work 'and' which you would never bother about repetition with. Either way, it's one of those things that fandom tends to mock quite harshly. Fandom in general that is.
[the last sentence feels very awkward as Ples has had no indications that Conrad wouldn't keep doing the same thing, especially as Conrad is the one initiated it.] {It is an encouragement. 'You're doing well. Keep it up!'} To be honest I don't care about the explanation for it. The readers don't get the explanations that I do and so it's still not going to read very well. Perhaps change it to "I'd really like it if we could continue?" or something similar. It's better as a question than as a statement
For a moment, the young vampire was speechless at the almost formal tone, but since his friend said nothing but nice things, he found his voice quickly. "Sure! I really like hanging out with you, Ples. You're calm, sane, intelligent and you don't mind me being, uh, undead. So... you will be taken out. I suppose we could try some place next that we can dance at?" [while i understand what you mean, no one would actually say that...] {So... what would one say? Any suggestions?} Hmmm. Something possibly like "I'll definitely keep getting you to leave your house" or something like that.
Ples nodded. "I think I might just know a place."
So, eventually everything came together. But it didn't stop at that. [this sentence had no meaning at the beginning and doesn't have any more relevance here. i think you're trying to say something to the effect of 'and that's how they got together' but it isn't connected enough to anything to actually read like that.]
Ples indeed knew places around town where two guys dancing together never stood out. He had been to a few, too, but he just moved to a corner with a large enough drink and politely refused any attempt at a conversation. He didn't feel comfortable with flirting with strangers. But being there with a friend was entirely different. [large enough drink for what?] The other thing that's unclear is what sort of place they're at. the whole 'ballroom dancing' implies an upscale restaurant/band type place, whereas talking about him needing to hide in corners and not liking flirting implies a club. The later 'flickering lights' also says club as does 'modern dancing'. But then you haven't distinguished enough between 'he was taught ballroom dances' and 'going out to a club to try a different sort of dancing'... does that make sense?]
They danced, surrounded by the flickering lights and the other couples who minded their own business. Ples was a bit shy when it came to modern dancing, but Conrad returned the earlier favor eagerly and guided his partner with ease. As the night progressed, both of them became bolder, allowing the touches to linger and during a slow song, they even kissed - which wasn't something they'd have normally considered doing in public. [modern dances? i think you mean modern dancing as modern 'dances' implies a particular dance that he'd be uncomfortable by, rather than the more general style to dancing that's popular currently.]{I'd have never guessed there was such a difference. O_o}
They finally decided to leave and walk home around two in the morning, the older man shyly slipping his hand into Conrad's. The vampire liked that. Ples was a romantic by heart and though he was taller, older and obviously more experienced, he never tried to pass himself off as the 'male' of the relationship. He treated Conrad as equal in every way and that appealed to the younger man a lot. Few ever did that. [i switched the two halves of that part around, sounds better this way.] Actually. It's more common in real life for relationships to be like that- as equals, not as 'the guy and the girl of the relationship' like fandom sometimes does. Not only that but how would Conrad know that? He's insanely unexperienced after all and presumably doesn't know what he does and doesn't like. {Conrad has Internet. The general idea about gay couples is "Big guy tops. Small guy bottoms. Bottom is girly." Conrad is pleasantly surprised to find out that the world of homosexuals does not differ too much from that of the heteros. } That's just what I'm saying. On the internet no it doesn't. In fandom, yes, and in the bad forums that aren't actually filled with gay people maybe, but in any of the gay forums, it's very definitely about equals. Any listing of faqs i've ever seen (and i've seen a lot) on the internet always makes very clear that 'there's no 'girl' in the relationship - it's about two guys'. And I'm sure that Conrad would be thorough enough to research properly.
Ples' place wasn't too far from the club, and the pair got caught up in deep conversation in front of the door. Eventually, Ples cleared his throat. [ they don't really get stuck though, perhaps say 'the pair stopped in front of the door, still talking'] {*headdesk* Another thing that makes perfect sense in my language. Fixed. Hopefully.} Yep! Reads much better now.
"Would you like to come up-" he stopped there. After all, Conrad couldn't drink coffee anymore. The vampire quickly helped him out.
"You could pass me that book you mentioned?"
"Oh, yes, right. Let's go then..." Ples fished his keys out of his pocket and walked up the stairs.
Conrad followed, feeling a bit light-headed. Late night invites for coffee, a drink or a stamp collection usually ended up in sex... 'Holy shit, we're going to-? But I barely have an idea-' The vampire felt his stomach doing cartwheels from nervousness, but turning back never crossed his mind.
Then the nervousness faded as the door closed behind them, Ples leaning against it and pulled Conrad close, kissing him as if the world was about to end. The vampire would have never guessed that the older man had such passion in him. Not that he minded of course. He pinned the accountant against the door and kissed back. One of Ples' long legs slipped between his.
"Conrad-" the older man breathed, his hands trying to slip under the vampire's turtleneck. Conrad moaned and jerked his hips forward which merely caused him to moan louder, since now he could feel just how needy the accountant was. It pleased him that he had such an effect on Ples but his uncertainty returned. Running his hands down on the slim waist and hips, Conrad almost opened his mouth to voice his worries, but Ples silenced him, pressing his fingertips against Conrad's lips.
"Ssh, it'll be alright," he whispered, as if he knew what the vampire was thinking. "Let's go inside?"
Conrad nodded and let Ples take his hand and drag him away, both of them losing their shoes and jackets along the way. The bedroom wasn't very big but it still had room for a surprisingly wide bed with a light beige cover, an antique-looking wardrobe and matching chest of drawers with two lamps sitting on them. The windows were covered by thick curtains.
Ples switched on the bedside lamp, and the soft, yellowish light immediately created a cozy atmosphere. Conrad still felt a bit edgy though but as the older man embraced him again the unease seemed to evaporate.
The accountant took the lead for now, kissing the young vampire, and trailed down his jaw. Conrad's deep blue shirt had a very convenient zipper along the left side of the neck and the shoulder. Ples pulled the zip down, the dark fabric revealing pale skin stretching over a slender throat. The smooth surface was marred though, by fang marks. [.... comparing kissing a line down his jaw to 'making a thread' doesn't really make sense as a comparison. just be straightforward and say 'then kissing a line down his jaw.' lips doesn't need to be specified either as you can't actually kiss someone with any other body party. {I've read too many bad fanfictions. >> I changed it, trying to avoid word repetition- does it sound better now?}
Conrad suddenly felt quite self-conscious about the wound. He twitched lightly, pulling his shoulders up, but the movement stopped as he felt the older man's lips over the small scars. Ples was kissing them, even licking them, without a second thought and Conrad all but melted into the embrace of the thin arms - he never thought those damned marks could become a source of pleasure.
Since the wonderful sensation sort of fried his brain, it took a while until it occurred him that he should be reciprocating. However, just as he began tugging on the accountant's shirt, Ples pulled away slightly, his breath was hot against the vampire's ear.
"Conrad... I'd like to-" He hesitated for a moment, then continued. "I'd like to pleasure you... w-with my mouth." The words were barely above a whisper, but the effect wasn't lost. Conrad almost whined as the pleasure flared up in his groin mixed with a slight, exquisite pain. [... don't use loins. loins is used in terrible terrible romance books and gets laughed at] {The things I learn after writing in English for ten years... Went with the next suitable-seeming synonym.} 'groins' isn't actually a word.... groin is. or possibly crotch. or just go straight for it and say 'cock' or something. [... why pain? he hasn't actually hurt him- only said something sexy...] {Sexual arousal is often described as a sensation which is oddly - but not entirely unpleasantly - painful. My own experiences seem to prove this.}
"Oh God, Ples... Please, yes..." He attacked the older man's lips while the delicately boned hands made short work of his belt and the fly of his pants. The next thing he knew was that he was sitting on the edge of the bed clad in nothing more than his shirt.
It suited him fine. The garment was sort of long, it covered him nicely; he never felt comfortable being naked. Conrad instinctively pressed his thighs together and twitched as Ples lightly placed a hand on his knee. As he noticed the hunger in Ples' eyes, he could even feel a chill running down his spine. Suddenly, the situation started to get rather scary.
The older man crawled closer on his knees and removed his own glasses, carefully placing them aside. He noticed that the vampire was growing tense, and he wasn't sure why. He looked up, searching the dark eyes behind the simple square-shaped glasses.
"What is it?" He asked softly. "If you changed your mind, it's fine, I don't want to-"
"I-it's not that-" Conrad shook his head. "I'd... like it. Very much. God, if you leave me like this, I won't be able to walk normal for the next week." He covered his face with one hand. "This is stupid. I'm being skittish as a-" he trailed off.
"You mean, you don't have much experience...?" Ples asked. When Conrad nodded hesitantly, the older man smiled.
"I know how you feel. I've been there myself. But if you just let it happen, the unease will disappear. You trust me, right?"
"It's not a trust issue you know," Conrad growled, though he felt guilty for unleashing it on Ples of all people. "I'm not a teenager anymore, I'm not afraid of sex!"
Ples resituated himself to the bed, embracing the vampire. He expected some sort of a rant coming up. Conrad looked like he had something to get off his chest, and the older man wanted to help him getting rid of it.
"I'm... not quite comfortable being naked," Conrad murmured, feeling a little better at the gentle touch. "I don't even know what you see in me, to be honest." Okay, maybe it WAS a trust issue. When all your life, you get abused and trampled on, you learn to be aggressive as a defense, and you start to look for ulterior motives behind everything, to avoid getting hurt. You don't trust people, you don't believe them... And it just makes you feel more miserable.
Ples gently turned his friend's face toward himself, his heart clenching a bit as he saw the wetness lining the dark eyes. Conrad was so full of issues, and half of them weren't even his fault. I wouldn't say that last half of the sentence. Issues aren't really ever anyone's fault. They just exist so it's rather odd to blame them on Conrad.
"Conrad, I like everything you have," the accountant said. "You're such a nice guy - after all, you'd rather stay hungry than hurt others. I think that requires quite some willpower. And since I'm going to be your lover if everything progresses the right way, you should let me be the judge of your physical appearance. I think you look great. You're not skinny but neither do you have any excess weight, you're just fine. I love your waist in fact, when I embrace you, we just fit." He lowered his head with a shy chuckle. "Your hair is surprisingly soft and your eyes are intense. And the way you dress, it's amazing, you look so sharp in those stylish things. But one day, I'd love to get you out of those clothes and kiss every inch of your skin. You... really have an effect on me, Conrad. It's been a while since I felt like this, wanting somebody so much." [saying that's a bit odd as he hasn't even seen everything that Conrad has, his top half still being covered by the shirt etc...] {As Ples makes quite a list describing what 'everything' includes, I think it does make sense. Besides, he likes Conrad enough to make bold declarations: anything he haven't seen yet, he'll like that as well.
The young vampire couldn't quite find the right words to say. Ples's honesty was warming him on the inside.
"However," the accountant continued, "If you would like to, I'd gladly offer my bed. We can get under the cover and I'll just... get on with the job."
Conrad arched an eyebrow as he tried to imagine that. The next second, he broke out in heartfelt laughter.
"S-Sorry, but- Ples, that was cute, but no, please, I don't think I could stand that without feeling even more stupid." He smiled at his friend. "Thank you for putting up with me. Let's set those issues aside, shall we?" He leaned closer for a kiss.
Ples simply held the vampire, just enjoying the kisses for a while. Then, he placed a hand on Conrad's thigh, running his palm along smooth flesh. The younger man winced slightly, but eventually he relaxed, and as the finely boned hand slipped to the sensitive inner side, a knuckle brushing against his manhood, lust quickly overtook him once more.
Ples knelt down again, pushing Conrad's legs apart to slip between them. Pressing his face into the dark shirt, the older man simply held the vampire; it felt nice to be holding somebody again. Conrad curled around him, inhaling the faint shampoo scent of the graying hair and sinking his fingers into it.
The accountant let go after a few moments in favor of tugging the shirt up and kissing the cool skin. Conrad shuddered, the other's lips felt hot and when Ples' tongue dipped into his navel, the vampire couldn't hold back a moan. He glanced down and watched in awe as his lover made his way down to his goal.
"It's odd... Your skin is still cool," Ples commented. "I wonder..." His long fingers curled around the shaft and he smiled when he heard Conrad gasp.
Staying still suddenly became quite difficult. The vampire's eyes widened as Ples opened his mouth and his tongue darted out to trace the long vein on the underside. He really knew what he was doing; his hands never rested, they kept on stroking, tugging, caressing while that wicked tongue traced mysterious patterns over Conrad's skin.
"Are... Are you really enjoying it this much...?" The vampire inquired between two moans, because Ples looked almost dazed; eyes half-lidded, lips moist from saliva and several drops of precome, and he all but worshiped his lover's erection. The accountant looked up with a small smile and nodded.
"I am indeed. The best part is the noises you make."
Conrad shuddered. He knew he wasn't very vocal, but now that he thought about it, he always made small noises, moans, whines and gasps. As he kept thinking, he could understand why Ples found them erotic. It still felt a bit embarrassing... But this was about both their fun and Conrad was damned if he wasn't going to let Ples have his.
"I'm glad I can be of assistance." The vampire smiled and raked his fingers through his lover's hair. "Please continue... Make me come."
Notes: your worst habit is definitely using the wrong word in more than a few places. To instead of on, etc. that sort of thing. I also suggest looking up usage of semi-colons as you've said that you use them too much, and there's definitely a few places here where they shouldn't have been used. You also need to watch how you link your ideas up. A lot of the time they're not linked up properly and it makes it hard to follow what you mean by something.
Nos, ez egy fanfic lenne, igen, _A_ webcomichoz, whatever... Nem ez a lényeg. Hanem, hogy szereztem hozzá bétát. A csaj gyors volt, és ki is javított egy csomó mindent, és sok helyen teljesen igaza volt, de itt-ott szerintem a megjegyzései kimerítik a szarrágás fogalmát. Vagy csak én érzem így...? O_o Mindenesetre fic, akinek vannak ötletei, az sikítson.
Nincs befejezve; a rating olyan PG-PG-13, semmi túl graphic.
Eventually, it all came together. [what all came together? starting with an it doesn't actually tell us anything- except for that something unspecified happened] {I'm pretty sure that that was my intention. 'Something has happened. Here's what.'} I see what you mean, the only problem is that it still reads really awkwardly. Try rewording so it's more of a hook and less of a random line?
Ples immediately noticed the pale young man with his stylish clothes by Hanna's side and while he wasn't usually the one to initiate, he eventually gathered all his courage and invited Conrad for a drink. Which naturally meant that there would be conversation, since Ples was the only one doing the drinking. Unfortunately, Bloody Mary, despite the name, is still unsuitable for vampires.
It didn't take long for them to realize that they understood each other quite well. Conrad could relax in the accountant's company; the quiet, good-natured man was a wonderful change after Hanna's enthusiasm. Ples, on the other hand, was grateful that Conrad kept on calling as well as inviting him to cafés, bars and elegant places. They could sit together for hours on end and talk about books, music, art or just whatever came to their minds.
Soon, they invited each other to their own places, too. They started exchanging books, and as they kept on discussing Stephen King and Terry Pratchett, music was playing in the background, curling around them like mist. Ples' choices were a few carefully selected classical composers while Conrad preferred smooth jazz.
On rare occasions, Ples played something on his piano and Conrad listened in awe. The older man's delicately boned hands danced over the keyboard, green eyes half-lidded, a soft smile playing about his lips and Conrad, after some hesitation, admitted to himself that Ples was a rather good-looking fellow.
Things might have stopped at that, both parties being a bit too shy to advance, however one day, while listening to some nice music, Ples mentioned that he was a skilled dancer. It only took a moment of hesitation for Conrad to seize the opportunity, and he asked his friend if Ples could teach him. After all, ballroom dances weren't really his forte.
Ples agreed, secretly quite happy about the progress of their relationship, gladly started educating the young vampire, patiently explaining the steps and gently guiding him around the room. One lesson followed another and since Ples' stash was rather limited, Conrad took it upon himself to find modern songs with the appropriate rhythm. He never noticed before how many popular songs were actually waltzes, not to mention the wide variety of other rhythms suitable for the many dances Ples was skilled at. ['the progress' is really quite unspecified here. is he happy about the progress in the relationship? because we don't even really know yet that he wants one from Conrad. Or their talks?] {Elaborated on it a bit; hopefully it works now} [kept on from where? he hasn't exactly started teaching him yet. or was he educating him about books and music and so you're trying to say that he's happy to also teach dance?] {now it's hopefully clearer} [what pattern are you referring to? {fixed - reference moved to the next paragraph, where it's clearer} and what does that have to do with Conrad starting to chose the songs? Besides that, Ples' music would actually be the most appropriate as it is actual classical music, meant to be danced to like that. Popular songs would likely have a much too fast beat...?]{The usage of 'popular' might be a tad of a stretch here indeed, because I'm referring to 80's songs mostly. Quite a few of those are slower, or just a little bit faster than the regular rhythm of the waltz (and wiener waltz is insanely fast as it is). I'm rather sure of this, because when I listen to music, sometimes I deliberately watch the rhythm, trying to match it up to dances I know. Also, Ples is known to have a knowledge in 'swing dancing', which is a collective term including a few dances, which can be fast - or slow. I think my ideas were not coming through properly again, so I elaborated a little.} While I still disagree to a point it's definitely clearer so it's all good.
Moreover, pop songs had lyrics and they were more often than not about love and passion, and quite soon, they started to make up a certain suggestive pattern. It didn't take long for Ples to notice that and it encouraged him to be a little bit bolder; allowing a hand to linger on Conrad's shoulder for a heartbeat, slipping an arm around his slender waist like a gentle caress, leaning a bit closer than necessary for a moment. [I'm not actually sure what you mean to say by 'forgetting a hand' on his shoulder, how do you forget where your hand is? because that's what it sounds like you're saying | also, I assume that Ples is dancing the girl's half of it? if he's trying to teach Conrad it would only make sense that Conrad wants to learn the guys' half of the music - but the problem with that is that the girl really doesn't have an arm around the guy's waist...] {forgetting a hand somewhere is an expression my mother tongue uses. I rephrased it so it sounds better now. And I imagined that at times, Ples would show a step or move where he has to place his hand on Conrad's waist, or he is just being an old lustful goat.}
The wordless courting eventually came to a wonderful finale. They were dancing again, the music just right, the lyrics encouraging, and Conrad took the leap. When Ples leaned close enough, he kissed him.
There was only a moment of a pause before the older man wrapped his long arms around the vampire and kissed back. The contact only breaking when Ples needed to breathe - Conrad wasn't bothered by such small inconveniences.
Then, there was silence for a while; they didn't quite know what to say but the awkwardness dissolved into quiet laughter.
"I haven't been kissed like that for quite a long time," Ples confessed. Conrad would have blushed had he been still capable of it. "I... er, you're not bad at it at all, either... And I'm glad you don't mind." [ wouldn't he still be capable of blushing? i think he does in the comic? but not only that- blushing is a movement of blood, which i assume is something you want conrad to be able to do as that's basically how someone gets hard...] {Since vampires do not have a beating heart, they don't have a circulation either, which essentially means no erections. I actually consulted about the problem with a few of my friends, and we ended up with firmly declaring "IT'S MAGIC". I'm all for logic and technical details, but it kinda fails when it comes to the paranormal. I think that's the point of it. I guess I involuntarily thought of Anne Rice's vampires here.} I still suggest changing it as it will come across strangely for people to read. if magic works for erections, then why not blushing was my point. if we're going to go with a 'magic' theory then it's best if it's consistent.
[Ples hasn't actually said that he didn't mind- so this statement comes off very weirdly. {Conrad sort of refers to his own boldness here. Besides, he IS full of issues. }
"Conrad, I am homosexual," Ples said, still smiling. "I should be the one who applauds your bravery. I'm... very glad that you took the initiative. And while we're at it, I should thank you for dragging me out of my shell, I've never had such fun than when I was with you during these past weeks." He lowered his head almost shyly. "Please keep on taking me out." [usually emphasis is signalled by italics, so would you prefer it to be am which will add italics?] {I would have changed that when posting anywhere.} [it's also generally considered bad to use too much of this sort of thing, 'the brunet' 'the french man' 'the mobster' etc. I suggest changing it to 'Ples said' or even 'he replied'] {I'll never get used to this. First thing my teachers taught us about writing was NO REPETITIONS, and thus it makes my brain scream, how English only uses one or two words to refer to somebody. (not to make excuses, just stating the facts)} Alright. In a lot of cases your teacher would be correct, yes. But this tends to be an exception, he said doesn't feel like repetition as it works something like the work 'and' which you would never bother about repetition with. Either way, it's one of those things that fandom tends to mock quite harshly. Fandom in general that is.
[the last sentence feels very awkward as Ples has had no indications that Conrad wouldn't keep doing the same thing, especially as Conrad is the one initiated it.] {It is an encouragement. 'You're doing well. Keep it up!'} To be honest I don't care about the explanation for it. The readers don't get the explanations that I do and so it's still not going to read very well. Perhaps change it to "I'd really like it if we could continue?" or something similar. It's better as a question than as a statement
For a moment, the young vampire was speechless at the almost formal tone, but since his friend said nothing but nice things, he found his voice quickly. "Sure! I really like hanging out with you, Ples. You're calm, sane, intelligent and you don't mind me being, uh, undead. So... you will be taken out. I suppose we could try some place next that we can dance at?" [while i understand what you mean, no one would actually say that...] {So... what would one say? Any suggestions?} Hmmm. Something possibly like "I'll definitely keep getting you to leave your house" or something like that.
Ples nodded. "I think I might just know a place."
So, eventually everything came together. But it didn't stop at that. [this sentence had no meaning at the beginning and doesn't have any more relevance here. i think you're trying to say something to the effect of 'and that's how they got together' but it isn't connected enough to anything to actually read like that.]
Ples indeed knew places around town where two guys dancing together never stood out. He had been to a few, too, but he just moved to a corner with a large enough drink and politely refused any attempt at a conversation. He didn't feel comfortable with flirting with strangers. But being there with a friend was entirely different. [large enough drink for what?] The other thing that's unclear is what sort of place they're at. the whole 'ballroom dancing' implies an upscale restaurant/band type place, whereas talking about him needing to hide in corners and not liking flirting implies a club. The later 'flickering lights' also says club as does 'modern dancing'. But then you haven't distinguished enough between 'he was taught ballroom dances' and 'going out to a club to try a different sort of dancing'... does that make sense?]
They danced, surrounded by the flickering lights and the other couples who minded their own business. Ples was a bit shy when it came to modern dancing, but Conrad returned the earlier favor eagerly and guided his partner with ease. As the night progressed, both of them became bolder, allowing the touches to linger and during a slow song, they even kissed - which wasn't something they'd have normally considered doing in public. [modern dances? i think you mean modern dancing as modern 'dances' implies a particular dance that he'd be uncomfortable by, rather than the more general style to dancing that's popular currently.]{I'd have never guessed there was such a difference. O_o}
They finally decided to leave and walk home around two in the morning, the older man shyly slipping his hand into Conrad's. The vampire liked that. Ples was a romantic by heart and though he was taller, older and obviously more experienced, he never tried to pass himself off as the 'male' of the relationship. He treated Conrad as equal in every way and that appealed to the younger man a lot. Few ever did that. [i switched the two halves of that part around, sounds better this way.] Actually. It's more common in real life for relationships to be like that- as equals, not as 'the guy and the girl of the relationship' like fandom sometimes does. Not only that but how would Conrad know that? He's insanely unexperienced after all and presumably doesn't know what he does and doesn't like. {Conrad has Internet. The general idea about gay couples is "Big guy tops. Small guy bottoms. Bottom is girly." Conrad is pleasantly surprised to find out that the world of homosexuals does not differ too much from that of the heteros. } That's just what I'm saying. On the internet no it doesn't. In fandom, yes, and in the bad forums that aren't actually filled with gay people maybe, but in any of the gay forums, it's very definitely about equals. Any listing of faqs i've ever seen (and i've seen a lot) on the internet always makes very clear that 'there's no 'girl' in the relationship - it's about two guys'. And I'm sure that Conrad would be thorough enough to research properly.
Ples' place wasn't too far from the club, and the pair got caught up in deep conversation in front of the door. Eventually, Ples cleared his throat. [ they don't really get stuck though, perhaps say 'the pair stopped in front of the door, still talking'] {*headdesk* Another thing that makes perfect sense in my language. Fixed. Hopefully.} Yep! Reads much better now.
"Would you like to come up-" he stopped there. After all, Conrad couldn't drink coffee anymore. The vampire quickly helped him out.
"You could pass me that book you mentioned?"
"Oh, yes, right. Let's go then..." Ples fished his keys out of his pocket and walked up the stairs.
Conrad followed, feeling a bit light-headed. Late night invites for coffee, a drink or a stamp collection usually ended up in sex... 'Holy shit, we're going to-? But I barely have an idea-' The vampire felt his stomach doing cartwheels from nervousness, but turning back never crossed his mind.
Then the nervousness faded as the door closed behind them, Ples leaning against it and pulled Conrad close, kissing him as if the world was about to end. The vampire would have never guessed that the older man had such passion in him. Not that he minded of course. He pinned the accountant against the door and kissed back. One of Ples' long legs slipped between his.
"Conrad-" the older man breathed, his hands trying to slip under the vampire's turtleneck. Conrad moaned and jerked his hips forward which merely caused him to moan louder, since now he could feel just how needy the accountant was. It pleased him that he had such an effect on Ples but his uncertainty returned. Running his hands down on the slim waist and hips, Conrad almost opened his mouth to voice his worries, but Ples silenced him, pressing his fingertips against Conrad's lips.
"Ssh, it'll be alright," he whispered, as if he knew what the vampire was thinking. "Let's go inside?"
Conrad nodded and let Ples take his hand and drag him away, both of them losing their shoes and jackets along the way. The bedroom wasn't very big but it still had room for a surprisingly wide bed with a light beige cover, an antique-looking wardrobe and matching chest of drawers with two lamps sitting on them. The windows were covered by thick curtains.
Ples switched on the bedside lamp, and the soft, yellowish light immediately created a cozy atmosphere. Conrad still felt a bit edgy though but as the older man embraced him again the unease seemed to evaporate.
The accountant took the lead for now, kissing the young vampire, and trailed down his jaw. Conrad's deep blue shirt had a very convenient zipper along the left side of the neck and the shoulder. Ples pulled the zip down, the dark fabric revealing pale skin stretching over a slender throat. The smooth surface was marred though, by fang marks. [.... comparing kissing a line down his jaw to 'making a thread' doesn't really make sense as a comparison. just be straightforward and say 'then kissing a line down his jaw.' lips doesn't need to be specified either as you can't actually kiss someone with any other body party. {I've read too many bad fanfictions. >> I changed it, trying to avoid word repetition- does it sound better now?}
Conrad suddenly felt quite self-conscious about the wound. He twitched lightly, pulling his shoulders up, but the movement stopped as he felt the older man's lips over the small scars. Ples was kissing them, even licking them, without a second thought and Conrad all but melted into the embrace of the thin arms - he never thought those damned marks could become a source of pleasure.
Since the wonderful sensation sort of fried his brain, it took a while until it occurred him that he should be reciprocating. However, just as he began tugging on the accountant's shirt, Ples pulled away slightly, his breath was hot against the vampire's ear.
"Conrad... I'd like to-" He hesitated for a moment, then continued. "I'd like to pleasure you... w-with my mouth." The words were barely above a whisper, but the effect wasn't lost. Conrad almost whined as the pleasure flared up in his groin mixed with a slight, exquisite pain. [... don't use loins. loins is used in terrible terrible romance books and gets laughed at] {The things I learn after writing in English for ten years... Went with the next suitable-seeming synonym.} 'groins' isn't actually a word.... groin is. or possibly crotch. or just go straight for it and say 'cock' or something. [... why pain? he hasn't actually hurt him- only said something sexy...] {Sexual arousal is often described as a sensation which is oddly - but not entirely unpleasantly - painful. My own experiences seem to prove this.}
"Oh God, Ples... Please, yes..." He attacked the older man's lips while the delicately boned hands made short work of his belt and the fly of his pants. The next thing he knew was that he was sitting on the edge of the bed clad in nothing more than his shirt.
It suited him fine. The garment was sort of long, it covered him nicely; he never felt comfortable being naked. Conrad instinctively pressed his thighs together and twitched as Ples lightly placed a hand on his knee. As he noticed the hunger in Ples' eyes, he could even feel a chill running down his spine. Suddenly, the situation started to get rather scary.
The older man crawled closer on his knees and removed his own glasses, carefully placing them aside. He noticed that the vampire was growing tense, and he wasn't sure why. He looked up, searching the dark eyes behind the simple square-shaped glasses.
"What is it?" He asked softly. "If you changed your mind, it's fine, I don't want to-"
"I-it's not that-" Conrad shook his head. "I'd... like it. Very much. God, if you leave me like this, I won't be able to walk normal for the next week." He covered his face with one hand. "This is stupid. I'm being skittish as a-" he trailed off.
"You mean, you don't have much experience...?" Ples asked. When Conrad nodded hesitantly, the older man smiled.
"I know how you feel. I've been there myself. But if you just let it happen, the unease will disappear. You trust me, right?"
"It's not a trust issue you know," Conrad growled, though he felt guilty for unleashing it on Ples of all people. "I'm not a teenager anymore, I'm not afraid of sex!"
Ples resituated himself to the bed, embracing the vampire. He expected some sort of a rant coming up. Conrad looked like he had something to get off his chest, and the older man wanted to help him getting rid of it.
"I'm... not quite comfortable being naked," Conrad murmured, feeling a little better at the gentle touch. "I don't even know what you see in me, to be honest." Okay, maybe it WAS a trust issue. When all your life, you get abused and trampled on, you learn to be aggressive as a defense, and you start to look for ulterior motives behind everything, to avoid getting hurt. You don't trust people, you don't believe them... And it just makes you feel more miserable.
Ples gently turned his friend's face toward himself, his heart clenching a bit as he saw the wetness lining the dark eyes. Conrad was so full of issues, and half of them weren't even his fault. I wouldn't say that last half of the sentence. Issues aren't really ever anyone's fault. They just exist so it's rather odd to blame them on Conrad.
"Conrad, I like everything you have," the accountant said. "You're such a nice guy - after all, you'd rather stay hungry than hurt others. I think that requires quite some willpower. And since I'm going to be your lover if everything progresses the right way, you should let me be the judge of your physical appearance. I think you look great. You're not skinny but neither do you have any excess weight, you're just fine. I love your waist in fact, when I embrace you, we just fit." He lowered his head with a shy chuckle. "Your hair is surprisingly soft and your eyes are intense. And the way you dress, it's amazing, you look so sharp in those stylish things. But one day, I'd love to get you out of those clothes and kiss every inch of your skin. You... really have an effect on me, Conrad. It's been a while since I felt like this, wanting somebody so much." [saying that's a bit odd as he hasn't even seen everything that Conrad has, his top half still being covered by the shirt etc...] {As Ples makes quite a list describing what 'everything' includes, I think it does make sense. Besides, he likes Conrad enough to make bold declarations: anything he haven't seen yet, he'll like that as well.
The young vampire couldn't quite find the right words to say. Ples's honesty was warming him on the inside.
"However," the accountant continued, "If you would like to, I'd gladly offer my bed. We can get under the cover and I'll just... get on with the job."
Conrad arched an eyebrow as he tried to imagine that. The next second, he broke out in heartfelt laughter.
"S-Sorry, but- Ples, that was cute, but no, please, I don't think I could stand that without feeling even more stupid." He smiled at his friend. "Thank you for putting up with me. Let's set those issues aside, shall we?" He leaned closer for a kiss.
Ples simply held the vampire, just enjoying the kisses for a while. Then, he placed a hand on Conrad's thigh, running his palm along smooth flesh. The younger man winced slightly, but eventually he relaxed, and as the finely boned hand slipped to the sensitive inner side, a knuckle brushing against his manhood, lust quickly overtook him once more.
Ples knelt down again, pushing Conrad's legs apart to slip between them. Pressing his face into the dark shirt, the older man simply held the vampire; it felt nice to be holding somebody again. Conrad curled around him, inhaling the faint shampoo scent of the graying hair and sinking his fingers into it.
The accountant let go after a few moments in favor of tugging the shirt up and kissing the cool skin. Conrad shuddered, the other's lips felt hot and when Ples' tongue dipped into his navel, the vampire couldn't hold back a moan. He glanced down and watched in awe as his lover made his way down to his goal.
"It's odd... Your skin is still cool," Ples commented. "I wonder..." His long fingers curled around the shaft and he smiled when he heard Conrad gasp.
Staying still suddenly became quite difficult. The vampire's eyes widened as Ples opened his mouth and his tongue darted out to trace the long vein on the underside. He really knew what he was doing; his hands never rested, they kept on stroking, tugging, caressing while that wicked tongue traced mysterious patterns over Conrad's skin.
"Are... Are you really enjoying it this much...?" The vampire inquired between two moans, because Ples looked almost dazed; eyes half-lidded, lips moist from saliva and several drops of precome, and he all but worshiped his lover's erection. The accountant looked up with a small smile and nodded.
"I am indeed. The best part is the noises you make."
Conrad shuddered. He knew he wasn't very vocal, but now that he thought about it, he always made small noises, moans, whines and gasps. As he kept thinking, he could understand why Ples found them erotic. It still felt a bit embarrassing... But this was about both their fun and Conrad was damned if he wasn't going to let Ples have his.
"I'm glad I can be of assistance." The vampire smiled and raked his fingers through his lover's hair. "Please continue... Make me come."
Notes: your worst habit is definitely using the wrong word in more than a few places. To instead of on, etc. that sort of thing. I also suggest looking up usage of semi-colons as you've said that you use them too much, and there's definitely a few places here where they shouldn't have been used. You also need to watch how you link your ideas up. A lot of the time they're not linked up properly and it makes it hard to follow what you mean by something.