"some things you lose and some things you just give away"

[okalani]

i've come to realize that the people that i'm supposed to be friends with and i have gone through a serious case of 'drifting apart', as it is so commonly called. and when i actually allow myself to think about what that means and everything it entails, it breaks my heart. i miss them. so dearly. and i am so afraid that i will never get them back in any kind of real sense. i'm not naive...i know that me living so far away puts a strain on my friendships with them, and that's unavoidable. but it shouldn't be to this extent. except for a few short AIM conversations, i haven't talked to anyone practically since i was home for Christmas. and i know that i am in large part to blame. i haven't been online...i'm so cut off. i don't know anything about what's going on in their lives, how they're doing. i'm not even considered a best friend to them anymore. wow. just typing that, saying the words in my head, brought tears to my eyes. we don't talk. we're not part of eachothers' lives. i hate to think that we're the kind of friends who are only close when we're actually physically around eachother. and then i think, "well they're in college and stuff but they're still talking and being involved in eachothers' lives...is it me? was i always just kind of an outcast? i came in, and then i went out. and they stayed." i can't even fathom this. that i was never really considered a true part of it. because i've held these friendships on a pedestal, thinking that they're the very best that i've had and ever will have...that they'll last forever. and if they do last forever, the only difference being that i'm not involved in that 'forever', well that just makes the pedestal come crashing down.

i think of the times we used to have, the conversations, the fights, the laughs, the tears, the never-ending list of inside jokes....i ache to have it again. and then i ache because i'm not sure i even can, no matter what i do.

and i know that i'm the idiot, because i took those friendships for granted and now i'm paying for it.