ok goodbye 2
sue bender writes: i saw a curious relationship; the more i was able to stay with, not move away from, uncomfortable feelings, the more i was also able to feel happy and alive.
i have done hurtful things. i am manipulative. overly dependent. passive aggressive. frightened. in denial. a broken person hiding behind a facade of kindness and caring and good deeds.
i have never stayed with uncomfortable feelings. lj helped me avoid uncomfortable feelings because i always had a place to shove them and put them out of sight.
not anymore.
i wont publicize my problems. i wont ask for sympathy i do not deserve. i wont do any of the things that i normally do when life gets ugly. ill force myself to give up on obsessions.
and ill force myself to sit all by myself and see what i have done and what i am.
i have done some very fucked up things and irregardless of what fucked up things were done to me, i cant ignore or try to skirt the blame. i tried to clear myself but there is nothing to clear. i have to accept this ugliness. i have to accept that i am not innocent. i am not perfect.
i cant ignore the brokeness. the deep sadness that i hold that makes it impossible for me to ever really be happy. to really be alive in the moment.
i do this. everytime something changes i torch it and start from a new point. i doubt ill learn anything. as miranda wisely said-its not a phoenix honey. life isnt a phoenix. i am not a phoenix. growing isnt done phoenix style. one day ill hopefully learn.
now all i can do is just sit and try not to hurt myself or anyone else again.
and in a desperate attempt to fix things-i ask you all to forgive the things that i have done to hurt you. it was me. out of my own wishes. I ask you to leave what happened in the past in the past and just allow others to live their lives the best they know how. please, if you really care, I am asking you for a really big favor. i just want all of this to stop. so please help me make it stop.
i have done hurtful things. i am manipulative. overly dependent. passive aggressive. frightened. in denial. a broken person hiding behind a facade of kindness and caring and good deeds.
i have never stayed with uncomfortable feelings. lj helped me avoid uncomfortable feelings because i always had a place to shove them and put them out of sight.
not anymore.
i wont publicize my problems. i wont ask for sympathy i do not deserve. i wont do any of the things that i normally do when life gets ugly. ill force myself to give up on obsessions.
and ill force myself to sit all by myself and see what i have done and what i am.
i have done some very fucked up things and irregardless of what fucked up things were done to me, i cant ignore or try to skirt the blame. i tried to clear myself but there is nothing to clear. i have to accept this ugliness. i have to accept that i am not innocent. i am not perfect.
i cant ignore the brokeness. the deep sadness that i hold that makes it impossible for me to ever really be happy. to really be alive in the moment.
i do this. everytime something changes i torch it and start from a new point. i doubt ill learn anything. as miranda wisely said-its not a phoenix honey. life isnt a phoenix. i am not a phoenix. growing isnt done phoenix style. one day ill hopefully learn.
now all i can do is just sit and try not to hurt myself or anyone else again.
and in a desperate attempt to fix things-i ask you all to forgive the things that i have done to hurt you. it was me. out of my own wishes. I ask you to leave what happened in the past in the past and just allow others to live their lives the best they know how. please, if you really care, I am asking you for a really big favor. i just want all of this to stop. so please help me make it stop.