Poem :)
This one's from the heart, it's probably really soppy haha. Written this morning in a bout of nostalgia mixed with looking forward to the future. In a happier place now than I was a couple of months ago anyway. Yay! :D [It's more prose poetry really, and it's on the lengthy side so look out!]
At work and at play
My emotions are at work and at play at once.
I'm smiling, I'm protesting but grinning,
I'm laughing and lovingly screaming,
And he takes it all in, but how far it processes
I don't know.
I don't know a lot of things, but I do know
About playfulness between a boy and a girl,
What it can lead to, and what is has led to.
Unfortunately, this doesn't seem to be leading
Anywhere. I wonder why.
I often wonder why things are the way they are,
Why in my own little universe this boy exists.
Deep down, I know the answer - because of love.
But I always want more than that. Two types -
Platonic and romantic.
Platonic dominates, romantic is there somewhere.
I try to get it out, I have tried, and then I gave up.
That's when the real troubles began - I gave up
On this, and I gave up on everything else too.
A girl he once knew.
The girl was my reason for giving up.
I knew, or I thought I knew that she'd got to him.
I no longer had a chance, but the chance I had
I lost myself in the dark of the night.
Sitting on stairs.
I sat on the stairs after watching him go,
Desperately trying to discern his figure
In the dimly lit street of a familiar area.
I tried to cry, but the tears wouldn't come,
The girl called me.
She called and I rose, obeying her,
Sensing the knowing in her voice,
Knowing she knew but choosing to ignore.
And then she asks me for my phone!
To call him and 'explain'.
No chance. She wouldn't have got my phone
for a thousand dollars that night.
And I am angry, so angry at her.
To that she is absolutely clueless.
Together the next morning.
We walk to the bus stop together in the morning.
It is deemed the only suitable thing.
She's embarrassed about more than one thing,
And I don't blame her. I don't blame her.
We part.
And I'm the one he calls on in an argument,
To stick up for him and prove his point,
A point that couldn't be proven no matter what I say.
Everyone knows it, and everyone bitches but me.
He doesn't see.
I know that he loves me, and that should be enough.
Recently it's warmed my heart and I smile.
The smile is simple enough, but it doesn't tell the story.
The first months of this year seemed like a marathon.
But they're over.
Thank goodness they're over, thank God.
Inside I was hurting and crying the entire time.
I miss him now, and I missed him then,
And I missed him ever since that night.
That one of two nights.
What breaks my heart the most is that he'll never know.
He'll never know the extent of what he could have.
He doesn't know that everytime he touches me
It's torture, cos it doesn't go any further.
It's torture and arcadia all at once.
My emotions are at work and at play at once.
What once was gained is lost and on a new journey now.
I'm laughing, and smiling, and lovingly screaming,
And he holds me in his arms. But he's drunk, very drunk,
And the look that is held is only a product of the moment.
........FIN........