Top 8 clues that the profile you're looking at on MySpace belongs to an idiot
As I've got another day off, I've been dicking around online again, mostly looking for camp stuff, but occasionally taking side-trips onto MySpace (and hockey sites, of course).
I'm starting to notice a lot of little stupid things on that fucking site that frankly, while being incredibly hilarious, are just plain pathetic.
Let's go through the Top 8 (since it's MySpace and all) clues on a person's profile that instantly make them stand out as a massive waste of good oxygen that could be used to sustain the intelligent people.
1. Anyone who blogs about dating strippers.
Okay. Let's go through this one more time for you slow people...If a STRIPPER is talking to you at her PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT she is not interested in you. PRETENDING TO LIKE YOU IS HER JOB. Let's say it all together now...did you say it?...Good.
Maybe it sunk in that time.
If she agrees to go out on a date with you, is it because she likes you?
Um...probably not.
Think about this rationally. If you take her out (and chances are YOU will be the one taking HER out, not the other way around), and she gives you the "I really like you, but I'm not in a good place right now to be in a relationship" spiel at the end of the night, next time you see her at "work", what are you going to do? Give her more money so she likes you? OF COURSE YOU ARE BECAUSE YOU'RE AN IDIOT! Maybe after a few weeks, you'll figure out what happened, but I can guarantee you that you did exactly what she expected.
Girls are smart like that. Most boys aren't.
Talking about how you date strippers does NOT make girls like you. In fact, it identifies you as a complete loser who's easily manipulated and has created a severely inflated sense of self to make up for a pathetic existence. This makes girls point and laugh.
2. Having a BIG label band in your Top 8.
The only reason to have a band in your Top 8 is that you're either a big enough fan to have become friends with members of said band, or you really love them and are trying to get them exposure. You are NOT friends with Metallica. They don't need your help. By putting a massively famous band in your Top 8, you are showing the world that you have no friends. The same goes with DJs. Tiesto is not your best friend. Accept that. Move on.
I feel bad for you.
3. Setting up your profile so that 50 different things are making noise at once.
Do we really need to be bombarded with some shitty Top 40 song, and 100 "funyezt vid EVA"s, along with every video all your stupid little friends left on your profile?
No. We really don't. Please do something about that. I'll be the first one to admit that there's a ton of shit on my profile, but at least it's all in a nice little vertical line and you can choose to play one thing at a time, or nothing. THAT is a fine way of handling it.
4. Using a font that is the exact same colour as your background.
What are you, fucking retarded? Why would you think this was a good idea?
5. Quoting pathetic song lyrics to make you sound "deep".
That doesn't make you sound "deep". That makes you sound like an uncreative idiot...which one can only assume you are.
If the lyrics are from Fallout Boy, Brand New or My Chemical Romance, double punches in the face for you.
Also included here would be "purple prose" which is essentially nonsense to make oneself sound intellectual and just makes you come out looking like a flake who threatens to "bind people" with your "magical powers"...or...something like that. ;)
6. Claiming to have no photos up because you want to be "judged on your own merit".
You don't have pictures up because you're repulsive.
Just admit that.
People admire honesty.
Other crap reasons for not having a picture up: not wanting to be used as a "status symbol" (you know what's an easy way of "not being a status symbol? Not writing down that you make a shitload of money. This adds to your stupidity quotient, which is already very, very, very, very high.), and "not wanting to be stalked".
No. You're just ugly.
Nobody likes you...go home.
(An acceptable reason for not having a photo is like, being afraid of being "outed". Other than that, you're probably just ugly.)
7. Filling your Top 8 with scantily clad girls or porn stars.
This just SCREAMS "I will never have the social skills to sustain a meaningful relationship, thus have seriously bonded with my right hand." Let's go back to Number 1 here. Once again, all together, let's say "THESE GIRLS DO NOT LIKE ME. I AM A LOSER. I MUST GET HELP." I know what you were going for was "Hey, look, all these hot chicks like me, I must be great." But, once more you've just deluded yourself to the place where you become the butt of other people's jokes.
I mean, we thank you for that...some of you have given us hours of laughs, but really, for your own sanity, you should do something about this.
However, if you're fine with being one of those people that everyone makes fun of, don't change a thing...we love you!
8. Starting circular flame wars.
You know those stupid arguments that start in communities where you have one person who posts their argument over and over again? And their argument is so incredibly stupid that people prove them wrong in about two seconds, yet they keep posting and believe they have a valid opinion?
I actually wrote an exam where the question of "what is a valid opinion?" was raised and in order for an opinion to be valid it must:
- be able to be proven with empirical evidence
- be well articulated and easy to understand.
These people have NOTHING to back up their opinions, yet refuse to admit that they're both wrong and retarded.
Then, when you tell them that they're wrong and retarded, they get all offended.
An uninformed opinion is a useless opinion. Remember this. Write it down if you need to.
Also, if you're trying to convince someone that your opinion is valid, please, please CHECK YOUR SPELLING. Nobody takes an idiot seriously. Especially when you can't spell the NAMES you're using properly.
http://www.dictionary.com
Or, you could just type the word the way YOU spell it into a Google search, and they will usually offer the correct spelling for you.
http://www.tsn.ca is also useful if you're attempting to win a sports-related argument.
(Note: This doesn't just apply to MySpace, but idiots in general)
Some other clues that didn't quite make the Top 8 but are also useful include:
- spelling and grammar so atrocious that you can't understand what someone's trying to say
- any use of the words "whazzzzzup", "homez", "boyz", "womyn", "eva"...you get the idea
- people who add you, just so they can have more friends
- people that add you without reading anything on your profile (emo bands, I'm looking in your general direction here)
- HTML problems (other than ones that just don't work with IE)...if you don't know what you're doing, don't do it
- people who post "comment on me!" messages
- anyone who uses the "angles"...really, one or two angles are fine, but anymore is just pointless. Also included here would be the emo kids who's faces have either gone missing or are too hideous for world viewing.
- people who post "sex" as an interest...that doesn't make you look seductive, it makes you look desperate
Feel free to leave comments with more if they come to you, and use the ones I've listed to protect yourself from the idiots out there!
Also, interested readers can find a more scientific study on how MySpace is ruining society here: http://moneydick.com/wordpress/2006/04/23/science-of-myspace/
I'm starting to notice a lot of little stupid things on that fucking site that frankly, while being incredibly hilarious, are just plain pathetic.
Let's go through the Top 8 (since it's MySpace and all) clues on a person's profile that instantly make them stand out as a massive waste of good oxygen that could be used to sustain the intelligent people.
1. Anyone who blogs about dating strippers.
Okay. Let's go through this one more time for you slow people...If a STRIPPER is talking to you at her PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT she is not interested in you. PRETENDING TO LIKE YOU IS HER JOB. Let's say it all together now...did you say it?...Good.
Maybe it sunk in that time.
If she agrees to go out on a date with you, is it because she likes you?
Um...probably not.
Think about this rationally. If you take her out (and chances are YOU will be the one taking HER out, not the other way around), and she gives you the "I really like you, but I'm not in a good place right now to be in a relationship" spiel at the end of the night, next time you see her at "work", what are you going to do? Give her more money so she likes you? OF COURSE YOU ARE BECAUSE YOU'RE AN IDIOT! Maybe after a few weeks, you'll figure out what happened, but I can guarantee you that you did exactly what she expected.
Girls are smart like that. Most boys aren't.
Talking about how you date strippers does NOT make girls like you. In fact, it identifies you as a complete loser who's easily manipulated and has created a severely inflated sense of self to make up for a pathetic existence. This makes girls point and laugh.
2. Having a BIG label band in your Top 8.
The only reason to have a band in your Top 8 is that you're either a big enough fan to have become friends with members of said band, or you really love them and are trying to get them exposure. You are NOT friends with Metallica. They don't need your help. By putting a massively famous band in your Top 8, you are showing the world that you have no friends. The same goes with DJs. Tiesto is not your best friend. Accept that. Move on.
I feel bad for you.
3. Setting up your profile so that 50 different things are making noise at once.
Do we really need to be bombarded with some shitty Top 40 song, and 100 "funyezt vid EVA"s, along with every video all your stupid little friends left on your profile?
No. We really don't. Please do something about that. I'll be the first one to admit that there's a ton of shit on my profile, but at least it's all in a nice little vertical line and you can choose to play one thing at a time, or nothing. THAT is a fine way of handling it.
4. Using a font that is the exact same colour as your background.
What are you, fucking retarded? Why would you think this was a good idea?
5. Quoting pathetic song lyrics to make you sound "deep".
That doesn't make you sound "deep". That makes you sound like an uncreative idiot...which one can only assume you are.
If the lyrics are from Fallout Boy, Brand New or My Chemical Romance, double punches in the face for you.
Also included here would be "purple prose" which is essentially nonsense to make oneself sound intellectual and just makes you come out looking like a flake who threatens to "bind people" with your "magical powers"...or...something like that. ;)
6. Claiming to have no photos up because you want to be "judged on your own merit".
You don't have pictures up because you're repulsive.
Just admit that.
People admire honesty.
Other crap reasons for not having a picture up: not wanting to be used as a "status symbol" (you know what's an easy way of "not being a status symbol? Not writing down that you make a shitload of money. This adds to your stupidity quotient, which is already very, very, very, very high.), and "not wanting to be stalked".
No. You're just ugly.
Nobody likes you...go home.
(An acceptable reason for not having a photo is like, being afraid of being "outed". Other than that, you're probably just ugly.)
7. Filling your Top 8 with scantily clad girls or porn stars.
This just SCREAMS "I will never have the social skills to sustain a meaningful relationship, thus have seriously bonded with my right hand." Let's go back to Number 1 here. Once again, all together, let's say "THESE GIRLS DO NOT LIKE ME. I AM A LOSER. I MUST GET HELP." I know what you were going for was "Hey, look, all these hot chicks like me, I must be great." But, once more you've just deluded yourself to the place where you become the butt of other people's jokes.
I mean, we thank you for that...some of you have given us hours of laughs, but really, for your own sanity, you should do something about this.
However, if you're fine with being one of those people that everyone makes fun of, don't change a thing...we love you!
8. Starting circular flame wars.
You know those stupid arguments that start in communities where you have one person who posts their argument over and over again? And their argument is so incredibly stupid that people prove them wrong in about two seconds, yet they keep posting and believe they have a valid opinion?
I actually wrote an exam where the question of "what is a valid opinion?" was raised and in order for an opinion to be valid it must:
- be able to be proven with empirical evidence
- be well articulated and easy to understand.
These people have NOTHING to back up their opinions, yet refuse to admit that they're both wrong and retarded.
Then, when you tell them that they're wrong and retarded, they get all offended.
An uninformed opinion is a useless opinion. Remember this. Write it down if you need to.
Also, if you're trying to convince someone that your opinion is valid, please, please CHECK YOUR SPELLING. Nobody takes an idiot seriously. Especially when you can't spell the NAMES you're using properly.
http://www.dictionary.com
Or, you could just type the word the way YOU spell it into a Google search, and they will usually offer the correct spelling for you.
http://www.tsn.ca is also useful if you're attempting to win a sports-related argument.
(Note: This doesn't just apply to MySpace, but idiots in general)
Some other clues that didn't quite make the Top 8 but are also useful include:
- spelling and grammar so atrocious that you can't understand what someone's trying to say
- any use of the words "whazzzzzup", "homez", "boyz", "womyn", "eva"...you get the idea
- people who add you, just so they can have more friends
- people that add you without reading anything on your profile (emo bands, I'm looking in your general direction here)
- HTML problems (other than ones that just don't work with IE)...if you don't know what you're doing, don't do it
- people who post "comment on me!" messages
- anyone who uses the "angles"...really, one or two angles are fine, but anymore is just pointless. Also included here would be the emo kids who's faces have either gone missing or are too hideous for world viewing.
- people who post "sex" as an interest...that doesn't make you look seductive, it makes you look desperate
Feel free to leave comments with more if they come to you, and use the ones I've listed to protect yourself from the idiots out there!
Also, interested readers can find a more scientific study on how MySpace is ruining society here: http://moneydick.com/wordpress/2006/04/23/science-of-myspace/