Let me preface this by saying that although I consider Kara to be my best friend, I want you to know that I am trying to give you the most unbiased advice that I can.
Before I was with Hwang, I was with another guy for three and a half years. He was my first serious relationship, I lost my virginity to him, we said we loved eachother and all that jazz. Obviously we're not still together, and in that aspect, I can say that I think I have some idea what you're feeling.
I know what you mean when you say Sam still makes you feel like a 13 year old. It's like the second they come around, you start to remember what it was like to be with them. And you desperately want to know that they're thinking about those things too. And that you really meant something to them, and still do. I wish I could tell you that feeling goes away, but I really don't know if it does. It's been a year and a half since we broke up, and I still get stupid around him.
He has a big part of my heart and my past, but does that mean I can't love Hwang? I questioned myself and our relationship at first, worried that I could never commit to someone else. But I thought about it more, and I realized I was in love with what used to be, and something that could never be again. We had both changed, either for the better or the worse, and I would always miss what we once had. Because he was a good friend to me, and for a while, my only real friend. For a long time I couldn't accept the idea that he'd always have a place in my heart, even if I was giving my heart to someone else. Once I did, though, the guilt went away, and it was so much easier to be with someone else.
I think that one of the big questions you have to ask yourself is why you're still so caught up with Sam. Is it just because she was your first love, and you had some great times together? Or because the relationship ended badly? Or is because you really, genuinely want to be with her again?
I obviously can't answer that for you, but I can tell you this: don't mistake nostalgia with wanting to be in the relationship again. I'm assuming that something went bad in order for your relationship to end, and it's highly unlikely that things will ever go back to the way they once were, when the relationship was good. If in knowing this, you still honestly want to be with her, I give you my blessing.
I know that you undoubtedly feel fucked up by what happened with your ex, but you also need to think about what you're doing and how it affects Kara. You say you love and care about her, and you know she feels the same way about you. Consider how shitty you feel when you don't know how Sam feels toward you. Now think about how uncertain Kara has felt for the last six months. I'm not trying to tell you that you're a horrible person, nor do I want to make you feel guilty. I know you don't want to hurt her. But you have to figure some things out instead of making her feel like second best.
If you want to be with Sam, and not Kara, then don't keep Kara around because you care about her too much to let her go. It'll just hurt more in the end. But if you really do want to be with her, but are feeling guilty over still having feelings for Sam, then I don't think you should feel guilty about that. You were with her for a considerable amount of time, and for that reason, she'll always be a part of you. And that's okay, just as long as you value and appreciate Kara and the relationship you have with her now.
I hope that I helped, even just a little bit, and I hope that you take me seriously although I'm close with Kara. You can always talk to me more about this if you want. :)
That was quite a well-articulated response. I could perhaps give one just as good, were I not drunk.
Anyway, Zach: Hang in there, man. I know you miss Sam, but eventually you have to shit or get off the pot, in a manner of speaking. You need to figure out what you truly want, and try to make that happen.
Also, congrats on graduating. And we still need to get crunk together sometime.
Before I was with Hwang, I was with another guy for three and a half years. He was my first serious relationship, I lost my virginity to him, we said we loved eachother and all that jazz. Obviously we're not still together, and in that aspect, I can say that I think I have some idea what you're feeling.
I know what you mean when you say Sam still makes you feel like a 13 year old. It's like the second they come around, you start to remember what it was like to be with them. And you desperately want to know that they're thinking about those things too. And that you really meant something to them, and still do. I wish I could tell you that feeling goes away, but I really don't know if it does. It's been a year and a half since we broke up, and I still get stupid around him.
He has a big part of my heart and my past, but does that mean I can't love Hwang? I questioned myself and our relationship at first, worried that I could never commit to someone else. But I thought about it more, and I realized I was in love with what used to be, and something that could never be again. We had both changed, either for the better or the worse, and I would always miss what we once had. Because he was a good friend to me, and for a while, my only real friend. For a long time I couldn't accept the idea that he'd always have a place in my heart, even if I was giving my heart to someone else. Once I did, though, the guilt went away, and it was so much easier to be with someone else.
I think that one of the big questions you have to ask yourself is why you're still so caught up with Sam. Is it just because she was your first love, and you had some great times together? Or because the relationship ended badly? Or is because you really, genuinely want to be with her again?
I obviously can't answer that for you, but I can tell you this: don't mistake nostalgia with wanting to be in the relationship again. I'm assuming that something went bad in order for your relationship to end, and it's highly unlikely that things will ever go back to the way they once were, when the relationship was good. If in knowing this, you still honestly want to be with her, I give you my blessing.
I know that you undoubtedly feel fucked up by what happened with your ex, but you also need to think about what you're doing and how it affects Kara. You say you love and care about her, and you know she feels the same way about you. Consider how shitty you feel when you don't know how Sam feels toward you. Now think about how uncertain Kara has felt for the last six months. I'm not trying to tell you that you're a horrible person, nor do I want to make you feel guilty. I know you don't want to hurt her. But you have to figure some things out instead of making her feel like second best.
If you want to be with Sam, and not Kara, then don't keep Kara around because you care about her too much to let her go. It'll just hurt more in the end. But if you really do want to be with her, but are feeling guilty over still having feelings for Sam, then I don't think you should feel guilty about that. You were with her for a considerable amount of time, and for that reason, she'll always be a part of you. And that's okay, just as long as you value and appreciate Kara and the relationship you have with her now.
I hope that I helped, even just a little bit, and I hope that you take me seriously although I'm close with Kara. You can always talk to me more about this if you want. :)
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Anyway, Zach: Hang in there, man. I know you miss Sam, but eventually you have to shit or get off the pot, in a manner of speaking. You need to figure out what you truly want, and try to make that happen.
Also, congrats on graduating. And we still need to get crunk together sometime.
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crunk is good.
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