Youth is wasted on the young
I have never been one of those people who are wildly happy and carefree on their birthday. The earliest birthday I remember is when I was either 5 or 6. I had this party and all I remember is, after they'd sung happy birthday to me, stressing out about not being able to blow the candles on my cake and then getting upset because all the other kids were trying to blow my candles out for me. Party pooper? Joykill? Oh hey, what's up?
Not me. As I am neither one nor was ever a white baby with a cupcake.
I turned twenty a few days ago. Total strangers (rather, people I never ever ever talk to anymore) greeted me on FB (because I reopened it a few weeks back, because I heard they were doing cartoon characters as profile pics and I wanted to change mine to H G PATAKI and ILOVEGOINGOFFONTANGENTS) and my entire ASAM class sang to me and my mom brought home fried chicken (because I said I don't need fancy restaurants, just fried chicken) and we went to the movies and it was, overall, a very nice day.
But actually being 20? In the days after, I'm uncomfortable with it. It doesn't feel quite right. I can't even say I'M TWENTY [Muthafuckas] out loud without pulling one of those lemon smiles after. I feel no older than 16 and look no older than a 12 year old boy-- and not in that cute Ellen Page sort of way (but let's be honest, she looks 10-- and I'm just jealous). And I just...I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. I don't know what I want. I am still young but I never thought I'd ever be the wandering and aimless kind. Which I am. I feel so removed from all the promise and potential that I ever saw in myself and that others saw in me. The girl who grew up believing she'd change the world is so alien to me now. (can't even remember what it's like to want to grasp the future with both hands) I just see some ex dropout kid bumming around at a state uni now and failing everything. (WTF happened there?)
Despite that... despite all of that, it is so strange to be 20, but I think I'm at a much better place than I was turning 19.
Not me. As I am neither one nor was ever a white baby with a cupcake.
I turned twenty a few days ago. Total strangers (rather, people I never ever ever talk to anymore) greeted me on FB (because I reopened it a few weeks back, because I heard they were doing cartoon characters as profile pics and I wanted to change mine to H G PATAKI and ILOVEGOINGOFFONTANGENTS) and my entire ASAM class sang to me and my mom brought home fried chicken (because I said I don't need fancy restaurants, just fried chicken) and we went to the movies and it was, overall, a very nice day.
But actually being 20? In the days after, I'm uncomfortable with it. It doesn't feel quite right. I can't even say I'M TWENTY [Muthafuckas] out loud without pulling one of those lemon smiles after. I feel no older than 16 and look no older than a 12 year old boy-- and not in that cute Ellen Page sort of way (but let's be honest, she looks 10-- and I'm just jealous). And I just...I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. I don't know what I want. I am still young but I never thought I'd ever be the wandering and aimless kind. Which I am. I feel so removed from all the promise and potential that I ever saw in myself and that others saw in me. The girl who grew up believing she'd change the world is so alien to me now. (can't even remember what it's like to want to grasp the future with both hands) I just see some ex dropout kid bumming around at a state uni now and failing everything. (WTF happened there?)
Despite that... despite all of that, it is so strange to be 20, but I think I'm at a much better place than I was turning 19.