MARS
As I lay in bed tonight, as I have these past few nights, there’s a feeling looming around me that isn't quite describable. There’s a heavy temptation to call it depression, but the glimmering sparkle of hope is mixed within it. Lost. Exuberant. Speechless. Longing for what the future holds. Most of my family shares this dark cloud with me. We mourn the approaching void of our closest family members. No obituary has been written, and there’s no death certificate. We all just feel it, as is how it always is when there’s a disturbance of such vastness.
Mars.
Tonight, it still hurts. At the same time, the phrase “a little while” strikes a beautiful chord. I find myself weeping at inappropriate times, but also smiling fondly. There are memories shared that can’t be touched; though the uncertain future is devastating. It’s hard to figure out what is supposed to be felt at such a time. There is an overwhelming desire to be happy and relish in all the positive things that have come from this past year and a half, and much longer for most of my family. The darkness has quite the grip.
My story.
I found Mars at a time when I didn’t know what else to do. I was unemployed, lost all my friends, my boyfriend, basically my entire former life.. and I was sadly holding on to the past with a vice grip. I had one best friend left, and lucky for me, she took the chance of a road trip to Allentown, PA. Crocodile Rock is my least favorite venue but it will forever hold a special place in my heart. Never have I screamed so loud, danced so hard, sweated so much… and never have I felt so entirely that I was in the right place. Little did I know at the time, many of the people at this show I would come to call friends. My new family. The beginning.
I haven’t kept track of how many shows I’ve gone to since that night, and I don’t wish to catalog them. Each and every experience has changed me into a better person. Through Mars, I’ve met the most incredible people. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met plenty of the bad eggs too. Either way, these people have showed me the type of person I want to be, and who I don’t want to be. Through Mars, I’ve seen the sunrise in Pensacola, the deserts of California, and all the beautiful nooks and crannies in-between. Through Mars, I learned to live again.
I couldn’t possibly begin to describe how much I’ve changed in the past year and a half, but I hope that you’ll trust me in believing Mars has everything to do with it. For all this band is to me, the nonsense, the nights in the back of the silver fox, leto plagues, LONG waits, fangirls and frigid temps.. I permanently bear the glyphs on my left hand. Someone once told me that I had a lot of balls for getting my first tattoo on my hand, “You can’t hide it there.” My reply was, “That’s the point.”
No, I’m not saying sorry. Maybe one day we’ll meet again.
I will never forget.
I will never regret.
I will live my life.
Thank you Mars, from the bottom of my mended heart, for everything.