confessions....
Meesa says:
you know, i just noticed the oddest thing
Ross says:
which is?
Meesa says:
well
you're not much of a talker, you know
about yourself
Ross says:
you mean I dont talk about myself much?
Meesa says:
i honestly don't know a whole hell of a lot about you
HA! Do you have any idea
ANY idea
Ross says:
maybe because I dont think im particulary interesting lol
what do you mean by any idea?
Meesa says:
what that was like? during that time you fell off the face of the earth and all i had was a nasty note from some loony
*laughs even though it's not funny*
holy god
Ross says:
im a bit confused
Meesa says:
then let me finish. it's fucking ridiculous
Ross says:
ok
Meesa says:
so to catch you up real quick, i was talking about that bit when your ex took over your internet accounts and dished out nastiness
Ross says:
yeah
Meesa says:
got that?
Ross says:
ok
Meesa says:
alright. SO
honestly, (we did not actually discuss any of that debacle to my satisfaction, so you're going to have to either sign off or deal, cuz i'm going to tell you exactly what i thought about it) i thought it was some strange joke.
obviously, it wasn't. and i couldn't get a hold of you at all, so i actually didn't have ANY way to.. i dunno. get confirmation on something. i just needed to talk to you, and you weren't anywhere close to available
it fucking crushed me. you have no clue. i didn't believe it myself, for the first day. after that... well. i suppose i realized that i honestly loved you after that. i figured there's no way anything should hurt like that
can you understand how fucking ridiculous it was? you might as well have been dead, Ross, for the way i acted
linda's the only one that got front seats to THAT particular horror show. and, now that i think on it, it was probably the one and only time she actually comforted me
anyhow.
Ross says:
well, maybe at the time I didnt think a whole lot into it, a lot of shit happened here
but continute
now ive lost the ability to type
Meesa says:
mmm. let me finish. please.
otherwise, i'll not be able to, and then i won't. and you'll never hear it, and i think you should know this. if nothing else, you need to know this.
okay.
blah blah, devastation, pain pain pain, you get the idea
what was so funny about THAT was that, as completely hellish as it was, it had only been TWO DAYS since that girl's msg
and i'm curled up on the couch, doing that depressed thing where, apparently, you just CANNOT sleep
you know you need to, if only for your damn sanity, but you can't. it HURTS. so, with nothing for it, i had all the time in the world to admonish myself that i was being a fucking cad
it had to be melodrama. there was no reason for me to carry on that way. unfortunately, i'm not exactly an expert at bullshitting myself, so none of what i told myself did me any good.
this is not to say that i only just then realized that i loved you. i knew i loved you. you knew it, too. i knew you did; fuck. i told you.
i just couldn't understand why not knowing what the fuck was going on with you, and with that girl, would just EAT me. i was making myself sick. and for what, exactly? why? because i loved you? i love my friends.
why should you be so goddamned different?
days pass. i don't hear anything from you; as far as i can tell, you have been effectively erased from existence. i wonder what i'm supposed to do, after having spent a week fucking mourning you. (i actually already knew, i think)
eventually, i'm able to just about drown myself in scorn. seriously, here are the facts as they came to me at night, seeing as i still couldn't manage to sleep. you don't actually TALK, for whatever reason. we have silly little conversations, and i would basically, well... i guess i'd throw myself at you, in a sense, as well as anyone can do that on a computer, separated by land and ocean.
how deep is that? oh yes, that is the glue that binds souls, hearts, and minds together. *frowns*
another thing for the "meesa's-a-sodding-COW" rant was that, although we've known each other for years, i've met you, touched you, kissed you, slept with you, all that... I DIDN'T KNOW A DAMN THING ABOUT YOU.
NOTHING. At all.
not one goddamn thing. what kind of shit is that?
i blamed myself for all of that, by the way. not knowing anything. sure, you certainly don't volunteer personal information, but i sure as hell just LET you not tell me anything
all i ever cared about was that i was talking to you.
Ross says:
you know a fair bit about me, probably a lot more than most people
I know it doesnt mean much to say that
Meesa says:
that isn't comforting. but, it gets worse. i'm right at the really bad part
Meesa says:
alright. so, there's that, all that almost-complete ignorance about anything pertaining to who you might possibly BE outside of my regard - as, painfully and obviously, my regard just so happens to be fucking BIASED, lol - and yeah yeah yeah, i loved you. got it. it still did NOT compute. why all that torture for a stranger?
i've never had a physical load of anything dropped on me before, but... epiphanies can be painful. VERY painful.
it was all so very very simple. a week of all-consuming torture, and i owed it to the fact that i was IN LOVE with an utter stranger.
there's a difference, you see
loving someone is fine. even if that love is obviously changing from one sort to another kind, love's love. that's perfectly acceptable. there's a bit of logic in that, somewhere. it works.
however
being IN LOVE... well, you've basically just given someone free reign to stomp your ass, haven't you?
when the bloody FUCK did that happen?
Anyway. Ross. I could go on, you know. I'm still rather upset at that particular realization. I didn't see it coming, and it doesn't MAKE ANY DAMNED SENSE. NONE.
i don't think my side of what was probably an assload of frustrating drama was... say, what you would find "interesting." hell. for all intents and purposes, it could all be attributed to a girl being rather silly, yes?
I just wanted you to know, in case you ever wondered why I still speak to you, why I waited as long as I did, and probably would have gone on if need be.
*shrugs and looks sheepish* you really can't choose that kind of thing, huh?
heh. that was kind of epic. sorry. *shrugs again* btw, i don't expect uh, what would you call it? Reciprocation, I guess. I told you. I felt you needed to know this. If you never learn anything else in your life. Even if the circumstances were silly and melodramatic, and the girl is a damn fool... haha. An idiot managed to fall (and how hard!) totally in love with you and not even know it
Genius.
you know, i just noticed the oddest thing
Ross says:
which is?
Meesa says:
well
you're not much of a talker, you know
about yourself
Ross says:
you mean I dont talk about myself much?
Meesa says:
i honestly don't know a whole hell of a lot about you
HA! Do you have any idea
ANY idea
Ross says:
maybe because I dont think im particulary interesting lol
what do you mean by any idea?
Meesa says:
what that was like? during that time you fell off the face of the earth and all i had was a nasty note from some loony
*laughs even though it's not funny*
holy god
Ross says:
im a bit confused
Meesa says:
then let me finish. it's fucking ridiculous
Ross says:
ok
Meesa says:
so to catch you up real quick, i was talking about that bit when your ex took over your internet accounts and dished out nastiness
Ross says:
yeah
Meesa says:
got that?
Ross says:
ok
Meesa says:
alright. SO
honestly, (we did not actually discuss any of that debacle to my satisfaction, so you're going to have to either sign off or deal, cuz i'm going to tell you exactly what i thought about it) i thought it was some strange joke.
obviously, it wasn't. and i couldn't get a hold of you at all, so i actually didn't have ANY way to.. i dunno. get confirmation on something. i just needed to talk to you, and you weren't anywhere close to available
it fucking crushed me. you have no clue. i didn't believe it myself, for the first day. after that... well. i suppose i realized that i honestly loved you after that. i figured there's no way anything should hurt like that
can you understand how fucking ridiculous it was? you might as well have been dead, Ross, for the way i acted
linda's the only one that got front seats to THAT particular horror show. and, now that i think on it, it was probably the one and only time she actually comforted me
anyhow.
Ross says:
well, maybe at the time I didnt think a whole lot into it, a lot of shit happened here
but continute
now ive lost the ability to type
Meesa says:
mmm. let me finish. please.
otherwise, i'll not be able to, and then i won't. and you'll never hear it, and i think you should know this. if nothing else, you need to know this.
okay.
blah blah, devastation, pain pain pain, you get the idea
what was so funny about THAT was that, as completely hellish as it was, it had only been TWO DAYS since that girl's msg
and i'm curled up on the couch, doing that depressed thing where, apparently, you just CANNOT sleep
you know you need to, if only for your damn sanity, but you can't. it HURTS. so, with nothing for it, i had all the time in the world to admonish myself that i was being a fucking cad
it had to be melodrama. there was no reason for me to carry on that way. unfortunately, i'm not exactly an expert at bullshitting myself, so none of what i told myself did me any good.
this is not to say that i only just then realized that i loved you. i knew i loved you. you knew it, too. i knew you did; fuck. i told you.
i just couldn't understand why not knowing what the fuck was going on with you, and with that girl, would just EAT me. i was making myself sick. and for what, exactly? why? because i loved you? i love my friends.
why should you be so goddamned different?
days pass. i don't hear anything from you; as far as i can tell, you have been effectively erased from existence. i wonder what i'm supposed to do, after having spent a week fucking mourning you. (i actually already knew, i think)
eventually, i'm able to just about drown myself in scorn. seriously, here are the facts as they came to me at night, seeing as i still couldn't manage to sleep. you don't actually TALK, for whatever reason. we have silly little conversations, and i would basically, well... i guess i'd throw myself at you, in a sense, as well as anyone can do that on a computer, separated by land and ocean.
how deep is that? oh yes, that is the glue that binds souls, hearts, and minds together. *frowns*
another thing for the "meesa's-a-sodding-COW" rant was that, although we've known each other for years, i've met you, touched you, kissed you, slept with you, all that... I DIDN'T KNOW A DAMN THING ABOUT YOU.
NOTHING. At all.
not one goddamn thing. what kind of shit is that?
i blamed myself for all of that, by the way. not knowing anything. sure, you certainly don't volunteer personal information, but i sure as hell just LET you not tell me anything
all i ever cared about was that i was talking to you.
Ross says:
you know a fair bit about me, probably a lot more than most people
I know it doesnt mean much to say that
Meesa says:
that isn't comforting. but, it gets worse. i'm right at the really bad part
Meesa says:
alright. so, there's that, all that almost-complete ignorance about anything pertaining to who you might possibly BE outside of my regard - as, painfully and obviously, my regard just so happens to be fucking BIASED, lol - and yeah yeah yeah, i loved you. got it. it still did NOT compute. why all that torture for a stranger?
i've never had a physical load of anything dropped on me before, but... epiphanies can be painful. VERY painful.
it was all so very very simple. a week of all-consuming torture, and i owed it to the fact that i was IN LOVE with an utter stranger.
there's a difference, you see
loving someone is fine. even if that love is obviously changing from one sort to another kind, love's love. that's perfectly acceptable. there's a bit of logic in that, somewhere. it works.
however
being IN LOVE... well, you've basically just given someone free reign to stomp your ass, haven't you?
when the bloody FUCK did that happen?
Anyway. Ross. I could go on, you know. I'm still rather upset at that particular realization. I didn't see it coming, and it doesn't MAKE ANY DAMNED SENSE. NONE.
i don't think my side of what was probably an assload of frustrating drama was... say, what you would find "interesting." hell. for all intents and purposes, it could all be attributed to a girl being rather silly, yes?
I just wanted you to know, in case you ever wondered why I still speak to you, why I waited as long as I did, and probably would have gone on if need be.
*shrugs and looks sheepish* you really can't choose that kind of thing, huh?
heh. that was kind of epic. sorry. *shrugs again* btw, i don't expect uh, what would you call it? Reciprocation, I guess. I told you. I felt you needed to know this. If you never learn anything else in your life. Even if the circumstances were silly and melodramatic, and the girl is a damn fool... haha. An idiot managed to fall (and how hard!) totally in love with you and not even know it
Genius.