thoughts?
had a general overall good day..i feel good now, at least..
i love my best friend. so much. like...i really don't thank God enough for having her. good grief. anyways. today Natalie and I went to target, and then to Nothing but Noodles, because shes been ranting and raving about that place forever. and of course, it was just super! then we went to the mall spontaneously...and i just had so much fun talking to her and adflksdjf. I hate how time slips away from you and you can let people go without even knowing it. And when it takes so long to finally, finally reconnect. I think that friendships, relationships- are what make you who you are. And you have to truly cling to them if you want to be happy in life. Ok, maybe thats just me...
i just need companionship. So badly.
Yesterday I went to a Bible study that was only providence kids. Of course i wasn't aware of this, so when i met people i asked, so what school do you go to? yeahhh. haha it was great. But, I really enjoyed it. I wasn't necessarily moved- but i haven't talked in front of other people about God in a long time. Not even my church friends. I think its weird that i can be so open with TOTAL strangers but be scared to say how i really feel infront of people i have known for years. I think that although I am such an open person, my faith is one thing that sometimes I am..embarrassed of, or..not completely honest about. I feel like when someone meets you and finds out that you are a strong, practicing Christian that it can be intimidating and they are soo easy to judge. I need to change that, and be more proud of my faith. I guess I have denied the fact that I am some what embarrassed of my Christian morals, but I need to accept it, because I will never be a strong person if i can't stand proud in my faith.
I'm also finding out a lot about myself while im STILL struggling as to where I want to take my relationship with this..boy. I feel bad..but, I really don't want to hurt him. But its too late for that. I'm going to hurt him no matter what now. I have realized that I am so afraid of commitment. I can't imagine never being able to say "Oooh hes cute." Or being able to flirt. And I am so used to making myself happy off of my own utter JOY, that i can't and i don't want to rely on someone else to make me happy. And i don't want to be responsible for someone else's happiness. I like being independent, but then I love knowing that someone else cares about me. I don't like it when things come easy. I'm such a complicated person.
I look at my life though, and I'm really happy..at where I am. Where we all are... We've all changed so much during this year. I can barely recognize the little girl I see in pictures from the beginning of the year, although too often I can barely recognize the person I see in the mirror. I've done things I said I'd never do, I've been sad a lot, endured a lot of hard work, and enjoyed the ecstacy of the stagelights. I feel like I have finally accepted myself as the person that I am, and am supposed to be. There's really no point in trying to change yourself for others, or even yourself. You will just end up feeling worse in the end.
And then there's God. I am sooo happy that so many of my friends are Christians/or becoming Christians. its so awesome/exciting...I've never had that, and always wanted it. I feel like now that its getting closer to summer that I will definetly become closer to him, at least I hope I will. I feel like theres been so many times when opportunitiy has knocked and I haven't answered. I need to start answering and build my faith up again and stop thinking about all of my stupid worldly desires but rather- who i really need to be.
On top of all of that..I'm becoming closer, slowly...with a handful. like 5. of my friends. It's amazing. It makes me really happy. I love having someone to talk to. I can talk forever..Also, I didn't make Chamber Callbacks. I was dissapointed... but, whatever. It's just frustrating when you aren't really good at one thing. Because I feel like everyone will always remember Ivey as the "actress" and Lord knows I'm not as talented as Natalie in the musical field. And I have always been the brain in the family and I had problems with school this year..so. I have just been