At the Beginning with you, for miyunnie
Title: At the Beginning with you
Pairings: Sehun/Baekhyun, Sehun/Kyungsoo (Chanyeol/Baekhyun, Chanyeol/Kyungsoo)
Rating: PG-13
Length: 3,200 words
Notes: Huge thanks to D and O; you're the best and I love you.
Sehun has imagined Baekhyun's wedding many times. Except, every time he did, Baekhyun was marrying him.
Sehun doesn't really know when it started. It might have been when they were both high school students and spent every night studying at the library. Well, Baekhyun was studying; Sehun was watching him. Sehun could watch Baekhyun read a book for hours without getting bored; it was such an endearing sight, and Sehun used to be almost surprised that no one other than him in the library noticed it.
It might have been when they were both college students and living together in an apartment next to their campus. Sehun has always apprehended his college experience, but not with Baekhyun. Everything has always felt so natural with Baekhyun, so right. It seemed right, to take breakfast with Baekhyun every morning, to sit with him in the living room every night and watch television together and sometimes cuddle up if it was too cold. Baekhyun's skin felt warm and soft against his, and Sehun is sure he will never forget the feeling.
Baekhyun loves him, too. He's said that many times, either at his birthday party, or when Sehun graduated one year after him. Sehun remembers every single time Baekhyun has said these words - that he couldn't live without him, that he was his best friend, now and forever.
Sehun wishes it was enough.
Sehun doesn't like boys, he thinks. He's never been interested in Jongin, regardless of how many times he's tried to hit on him in high school. Jongin is perfect, he's handsome and funny and adorable and he's an amazing dancer, but Sehun has never felt attracted to him in any way. But then again, he's never been attracted to anyone but Baekhyun.
Sehun doesn't like boys. Sehun likes one boy.
Sehun has always been terribly drawn to Baekhyun's laugh. He's drawn to his smile, and to his eyes, and to his lips, and to his hands, and Sehun thinks he might as well be drawn to Baekhyun's everything. It has always been difficult for him to hide it, and it must have been less discreet than he thought, because Luhan and Jongdae knew. Baekhyun, though, has never seemed to be aware of it, and Sehun doesn't know if he feels more upset or relieved about it.
Sehun's favorite thing about Baekhyun is his smile. He misses watching as Baekhyun would smile and his whole face would light up, and his eyes would crinkle into incredibly pretty crescents and his face would break into a smile, warm and happy and beautiful.
He misses Baekhyun's hands trailing lazily over his arm or his wrist as they would lay down next to each other in Sehun's bed, with a reasonable distance but an incredible proximity at the same time. He actually misses it all- He misses the playful yet incredibly affectionate look on Baekhyun's face when he would tease him about something and then slap his forehead and just laugh when Sehun would complain about the pain and rub the spot, a smile, almost invisible, gracing his own lips.
Sehun wishes he was still the reason behind that smile. He might have never wished for anything more.
Sehun likes Chanyeol. He genuinely does. Chanyeol is nice and funny, he's caring and he loves Baekhyun as much as he does. Sehun hates admitting it, but Chanyeol is his friend, and Sehun knows he is perfectly capable of making anyone happy, including Baekhyun. He's probably more capable of it than Sehun will ever be. It stings a little bit, but it's more reassuring than anything else.
Sehun just really, really wants Baekhyun to be happy, even if it's not with him.
~
The reception hall is crowded and Sehun is sitting alone at one of the round tables prepared for the guests. Everyone is literally radiating happiness and joy, and Sehun feels almost bad for emanating gloom and not even trying to disguise it. He hopes people will attribute it to how tiring it is to be the best man, which, really, it is, but Sehun's exhaustion is much more mental than physical. Fortunately enough, everyone is way too busy congratulating the newly married couple and drinking wine to give a fuck about him.
Sehun has spent the whole morning trying to act happy. Happy his best friend is finally marrying the man of his dreams, happy that everyone seems to think they are the most perfect couple that ever existed, happy the whole world now knows that Baekhyun is hopelessly and helplessly in love with Park Chanyeol. Sehun has always been good at acting. Not upset. Not lonely. Not heartbroken. Now, Sehun is done acting, and he wishes he could just leave.
Mostly, Sehun really just hopes Baekhyun doesn't end up noticing that his best friend looks like he's attending a burial instead of his wedding.
“Sehun?”
Sehun looks up to see Kyungsoo standing before him. Kyungsoo is Chanyeol's friend, and Sehun has met him a couple of times and thinks he looks like a nice guy, but he has never really talked to him for more than two minutes. Sehun guesses weddings are the perfect occasion to get to know other people better.
“Hey,” Sehun says. He sounds flat and his voice is unnervingly devoid of emotion, but he doesn't really care that Kyungsoo takes note of it.
Kyungsoo doesn't say anything and sits on the chair next to him. They fall silent, and Sehun glances at Kyungsoo. His dark circles are barely visible, but they're there. He looks pale and almost sick, and very, very strained.
Actually, Kyungsoo looks just as worn out as he is.
“They are happy,” Kyungsoo says, snapping him out of his trance. It's not a remark or a personal comment; it's a statement, and Sehun can only nod because yes, they are fucking happy, and seeing Baekhyun so radiant is the only reason Sehun's stopped considering jumping off a bridge after the ceremony.
“I'm glad to see him so happy.”
Sehun knows Kyungsoo is talking about Chanyeol. Kyungsoo is Chanyeol’s best friend and best man, just like Sehun is Baekhyun’s. Sehun glances at Kyungsoo again, and suddenly he wonders why he isn't with Chanyeol and Baekhyun like everyone else. After all, he's the other best man, and Chanyeol is his best friend-
Ah.
Kyungsoo meets his gaze, and Sehun recognizes this look. He knows it very well, because it's the same look he's being seeing in his mirror every morning for the past four months.
It's the look of someone watching the person they love marrying someone else.
“It sucks,” Sehun says after a pause.
Kyungsoo gives him a look, questioning and intrigued, and Sehun bites his lip. It's awkward, and fucked up, and weirdly enough, Sehun almost wants to laugh.
Before Sehun can say anything else, the music stops. Baekhyun and Chanyeol, hand in hand, walk past them, accompanied by Zitao, Junmyeon, Kris and Luhan, who shoots him a worried look as discreetly as he can manage. Kyungsoo and Sehun stare at them, but Baekhyun and Chanyeol don't even cast a glance in their direction because they're too busy drowning in each other's gazes to see anyone else, and that's a pretty good summary of the whole situation, as distressing and disheartening as it sounds.
When Sehun looks back at Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo is staring at him, and the glint of sadness in Sehun's own eyes seem to reflect on his. Sehun looks away.
“Actually, yeah, it does.”
Kyungsoo sighs inaudibly and drops his head, and Sehun doesn't need to look to know that he's staring down at his feet. Sehun's heart almost stings, because he's never considered that he might not be the only one going through this, and he really doesn't wish it upon anyone. He admits, though, that he also feels the slightest bit better, because it always feels good to know that you're not alone.
“How long have you known Baekhyun?” Kyungsoo asks casually, rubbing the back of his neck.
“Since middle school,” Sehun says without hesitation. “What about you with Chanyeol?”
“First year of college.”
“Um.”
“I think this is awkward.”
“It probably is.”
They both startle when they see Baekhyun and Chanyeol walking toward them, alone. The others are nowhere to be seen, except Luhan, who is sitting at a table across from them with Victoria and is giving Sehun concerned looks every thirty seconds. Sehun appreciates his friend's concern, but he wishes Luhan didn't involuntarily make things more difficult than they already are.
Kyungsoo's face breaks into a smile, and Chanyeol grins back at him with complete happiness, and Kyungsoo's smile doesn't falter one bit when Chanyeol grabs Baekhyun's hand and holds it tightly in his.
Definitely, Kyungsoo is just as good an actor as Sehun is.
“Sehun?” Baekhyun asks, and Sehun almost jumps. Baekhyun is looking at him with a slight frown creasing his forehead, and Sehun wonders if, just for a moment, he let his face display his inner emotion. He swallows and forces himself to regain composure, because he can't do that, not now. Not ever.
“I'm really happy for you two,” Sehun declares. He almost wants to applaud himself when it actually sounds convincing, and Baekhyun's frown disappears from his face just as fast as it came.
“Thank you,” Baekhyun says and cracks him a radiant smile, and really, Sehun thinks that as long as he still gets to see this smile, he can cope with the fact that he's not the reason behind it.
“We have to go. They want us to take pictures with everyone. See you later, guys,” Chanyeol waves at them, and Baekhyun waves his hand at Sehun, the one with the ring, and Sehun watches him walk away with a churning in his gut that has nothing to do with his empty stomach.
“He's always been hopelessly in love with Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo says suddenly as soon as the couple is out of earshot, and his smile looks bitter, but the sadness is more palpable in his voice than anything else. “I always knew that it wouldn't happen. That we wouldn't happen. Guess it takes more than knowing it to stop.”
Sehun knows. He knows how hard it is to move on from something that never existed in the first place, because it's all in your mind, and you can't stop pointless ‘what if’s from racing through your brain until you just wish you could stop thinking. It's too late, now, though, and Sehun knows it, but somehow, his brain doesn't seem to grasp it yet.
“I understand why he is,” Sehun says. Kyungsoo doesn't get upset, and he just shrugs, gaze wandering over the guests talking and laughing and dancing in front of them. It feels like there's a wall between them and this happy crowd, thin enough for no one else to see it, but tangible enough for them to feel like they're suffocating within it.
“Don't you think it's unfair?” Sehun asks. He's not being moany or self-pitying; his question is genuine, curiosity real in his voice, because he never gets to ask this question to anyone. Sehun talks about it with Luhan and Jongdae, sometimes, and Sehun appreciates having a heart-to-heart with someone without the incessant worried stares and careful phrasing, like Sehun is going to break and shatter into pieces if they're not tactful enough.
Kyungsoo shrugs again, and he leans back in his seat, staring off into space, probably searching his brain for an answer.
“We're just the unlucky people,” Kyungsoo says finally, and he laughs, and this time it looks less bitter than his precedent smile, although still tainted with undoubtful sadness. “Every story needs its unlucky people.”
“Unlucky people can't be happy?” Sehun asks.
He feels a sharp pain in his chest when he hears his own question, like a dozen rusty knives piercing through his heart. He's never considered being happy without Baekhyun, and now that Baekhyun is not here anymore, Sehun feels like the ground is crumbling beneath his feet. Technically, he didn't lose Baekhyun, because he's still his best friend, and they're still going to be together, but he's not Baekhyun's priority anymore. No matter how many times Baekhyun assures him that him being married doesn't change anything, Sehun is fully conscious that it does change everything.
The idea of never being happy, of being stuck in this incessant cycle of seeing the person he loves with someone else without being able to do anything about it, is, quite frankly, absolutely frightening. Sehun tries to ignore it, because he doesn't want to break down, not now, not here, but his lungs feel like they have been crushed in his chest, and his heart is pounding against his ribcage.
“I didn't say that,” Kyungsoo says softly, and he sounds almost hesitant, but his voice becomes more determined when he meets Sehun's desperate gaze. “I guess it's just harder for them to get to it.”
“It actually really fucking breaks my heart,” Sehun says. His composure is intact and his face is as impassive as it was ten minutes ago, but if Kyungsoo listens closely, he could probably tell that his voice is trembling.
“Why did you come, Sehun?”
The question catches Sehun off-guard, and after staring at Kyungsoo for a few seconds, he actually takes the time to think about it.
Sehun didn't want to miss Baekhyun's wedding. Sehun is Baekhyun's best friend, and best friends don't miss their best friend's wedding. Regardless of how badly Sehun is in love with him, Sehun still didn't want to miss Baekhyun's day, couldn't bring himself to. Because despite it all, Sehun knows Baekhyun can't be fully happy without him, either, and maybe that's what hurts the most, because Sehun wishes Baekhyun could just let him go, so Sehun can let the bridges burn and start anew far away from him, but Baekhyun would be sad, devastated even, and Sehun could never do something that would hurt him.
“He's my best friend, and it's his wedding,” Sehun says simply after a few minutes of reflection, fingers trailing over the surface of the table. “I couldn't really not come.”
If Kyungsoo thinks it isn't a good enough reason, he doesn't say anything, and Sehun is thankful for that. He doesn't want to explain his motives, or to justify himself, because he's not sure he really knows, either. Also because, as much as Sehun has been trying to lock everything away and act unaffected by pretty much everything, it still fucking hurts whenever he thinks about it, and Sehun isn't a masochist by any means.
Then again, Sehun thinks, Kyungsoo is here, too, willingly participating in the destruction of his own heart, so he can't really comment on how invalid Sehun's reasons might be.
“It's not that I'm not happy that he is happy,” Kyungsoo says, looking like he's deep in thought. Sehun almost wants to nod his head and tell him that he knows, that he doesn't need to explain him, but instead he lets him gather his thoughts and words, because somehow, Sehun thinks Kyungsoo needs it as much as he does. “I'm happy for him. I really am. I just- I just wish he could have been happy with me, you know?” Kyungsoo pauses and frowns. “Is it selfish?” he asks.
“No,” Sehun answers. It isn't selfish, because feelings aren't selfish; they are fucked up and undesirable and painful and devastating, but they aren't selfish. Selfish is not caring, and Sehun can tell Kyungsoo cares a lot more than he should. He knows it, because if Kyungsoo cared more about himself than about Chanyeol, he wouldn't be here today. Just like Sehun wouldn't be here if he didn't care about Baekhyun more than anything in the world.
“I spent the last two years trying to fall in love with someone else,” Kyungsoo says, voice low and unsure and hesitant like he isn't sure he should be telling Sehun, but gives in anyway because he can't keep it to himself anymore. “Never happened.”
Sehun can't help but laugh at that. “Yeah, it doesn't work like that. It doesn't just happen because you want it, no matter how much you do.”
Kyungsoo looks at him and sighs, and Sehun notices Kyungsoo has really pretty eyes. Not Baekhyun-pretty, but really, really pretty. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Sehun wonders what it would be to see these eyes reflect happiness instead of hopelessness and anguish, like they are now.
“Guess we'll have to start a new beginning,” Kyungsoo laughs, half wryly, and half downright horrified. He looks terrified, because new beginnings are always terrifying, and if he’s honest with himself, Sehun is scared shitless, too, but he tries not to show it.
“It always works in movies,” Sehun points out, just to light up the mood.
Kyungsoo looks up at him and smiles, and Sehun smiles back, and he hopes his smile looks at least as genuine as Kyungsoo's does.
They will be alright. Not today, not tomorrow, not in a month, and probably not even in a year, but they will. Healing is a long process, and Sehun knows he needs to come to terms with everything if he wants to see its end. He has to come to terms with the fact that Baekhyun isn't his, and never will be, and that Baekhyun loves him to the end of the world and will always be his best friend, and nothing else. He has to come to terms with the fact that he will never wake up next to Baekhyun, never fall asleep against him, never take breakfast with him again.
He has to come to terms with the fact that he will never know if Baekhyun's hand would fit in his as perfectly as he can't stop thinking it would.
“I think we don't have anything to do here anymore,” Kyungsoo concludes, and Sehun knows he's right. Kyungsoo doesn't look as miserable anymore; he still looks fairly drained and Sehun knows his dark circles are not about to go away, but maybe, just maybe, Kyungsoo will find happiness somewhere along the line, and maybe Sehun will, too.
“There's a really cool chinese place down the street,” Sehun says tentatively. “Wanna go grab something to eat?”
Kyungsoo stares at him for a few seconds, and then he smiles and nods, and Sehun gets up, and they walk together to the exit. Luhan shifts his gaze over to him as soon as he passes by his table, and Sehun meets his gaze, and what Luhan reads in his must be reassuring enough that he just smiles at him, sadly, and turns back to Victoria, and Sehun and Kyungsoo leave the reception hall without anyone trying to stop them.
Nothing stopping them from starting their new beginning.
Pairings: Sehun/Baekhyun, Sehun/Kyungsoo (Chanyeol/Baekhyun, Chanyeol/Kyungsoo)
Rating: PG-13
Length: 3,200 words
Notes: Huge thanks to D and O; you're the best and I love you.
Sehun has imagined Baekhyun's wedding many times. Except, every time he did, Baekhyun was marrying him.
Sehun doesn't really know when it started. It might have been when they were both high school students and spent every night studying at the library. Well, Baekhyun was studying; Sehun was watching him. Sehun could watch Baekhyun read a book for hours without getting bored; it was such an endearing sight, and Sehun used to be almost surprised that no one other than him in the library noticed it.
It might have been when they were both college students and living together in an apartment next to their campus. Sehun has always apprehended his college experience, but not with Baekhyun. Everything has always felt so natural with Baekhyun, so right. It seemed right, to take breakfast with Baekhyun every morning, to sit with him in the living room every night and watch television together and sometimes cuddle up if it was too cold. Baekhyun's skin felt warm and soft against his, and Sehun is sure he will never forget the feeling.
Baekhyun loves him, too. He's said that many times, either at his birthday party, or when Sehun graduated one year after him. Sehun remembers every single time Baekhyun has said these words - that he couldn't live without him, that he was his best friend, now and forever.
Sehun wishes it was enough.
Sehun doesn't like boys, he thinks. He's never been interested in Jongin, regardless of how many times he's tried to hit on him in high school. Jongin is perfect, he's handsome and funny and adorable and he's an amazing dancer, but Sehun has never felt attracted to him in any way. But then again, he's never been attracted to anyone but Baekhyun.
Sehun doesn't like boys. Sehun likes one boy.
Sehun has always been terribly drawn to Baekhyun's laugh. He's drawn to his smile, and to his eyes, and to his lips, and to his hands, and Sehun thinks he might as well be drawn to Baekhyun's everything. It has always been difficult for him to hide it, and it must have been less discreet than he thought, because Luhan and Jongdae knew. Baekhyun, though, has never seemed to be aware of it, and Sehun doesn't know if he feels more upset or relieved about it.
Sehun's favorite thing about Baekhyun is his smile. He misses watching as Baekhyun would smile and his whole face would light up, and his eyes would crinkle into incredibly pretty crescents and his face would break into a smile, warm and happy and beautiful.
He misses Baekhyun's hands trailing lazily over his arm or his wrist as they would lay down next to each other in Sehun's bed, with a reasonable distance but an incredible proximity at the same time. He actually misses it all- He misses the playful yet incredibly affectionate look on Baekhyun's face when he would tease him about something and then slap his forehead and just laugh when Sehun would complain about the pain and rub the spot, a smile, almost invisible, gracing his own lips.
Sehun wishes he was still the reason behind that smile. He might have never wished for anything more.
Sehun likes Chanyeol. He genuinely does. Chanyeol is nice and funny, he's caring and he loves Baekhyun as much as he does. Sehun hates admitting it, but Chanyeol is his friend, and Sehun knows he is perfectly capable of making anyone happy, including Baekhyun. He's probably more capable of it than Sehun will ever be. It stings a little bit, but it's more reassuring than anything else.
Sehun just really, really wants Baekhyun to be happy, even if it's not with him.
~
The reception hall is crowded and Sehun is sitting alone at one of the round tables prepared for the guests. Everyone is literally radiating happiness and joy, and Sehun feels almost bad for emanating gloom and not even trying to disguise it. He hopes people will attribute it to how tiring it is to be the best man, which, really, it is, but Sehun's exhaustion is much more mental than physical. Fortunately enough, everyone is way too busy congratulating the newly married couple and drinking wine to give a fuck about him.
Sehun has spent the whole morning trying to act happy. Happy his best friend is finally marrying the man of his dreams, happy that everyone seems to think they are the most perfect couple that ever existed, happy the whole world now knows that Baekhyun is hopelessly and helplessly in love with Park Chanyeol. Sehun has always been good at acting. Not upset. Not lonely. Not heartbroken. Now, Sehun is done acting, and he wishes he could just leave.
Mostly, Sehun really just hopes Baekhyun doesn't end up noticing that his best friend looks like he's attending a burial instead of his wedding.
“Sehun?”
Sehun looks up to see Kyungsoo standing before him. Kyungsoo is Chanyeol's friend, and Sehun has met him a couple of times and thinks he looks like a nice guy, but he has never really talked to him for more than two minutes. Sehun guesses weddings are the perfect occasion to get to know other people better.
“Hey,” Sehun says. He sounds flat and his voice is unnervingly devoid of emotion, but he doesn't really care that Kyungsoo takes note of it.
Kyungsoo doesn't say anything and sits on the chair next to him. They fall silent, and Sehun glances at Kyungsoo. His dark circles are barely visible, but they're there. He looks pale and almost sick, and very, very strained.
Actually, Kyungsoo looks just as worn out as he is.
“They are happy,” Kyungsoo says, snapping him out of his trance. It's not a remark or a personal comment; it's a statement, and Sehun can only nod because yes, they are fucking happy, and seeing Baekhyun so radiant is the only reason Sehun's stopped considering jumping off a bridge after the ceremony.
“I'm glad to see him so happy.”
Sehun knows Kyungsoo is talking about Chanyeol. Kyungsoo is Chanyeol’s best friend and best man, just like Sehun is Baekhyun’s. Sehun glances at Kyungsoo again, and suddenly he wonders why he isn't with Chanyeol and Baekhyun like everyone else. After all, he's the other best man, and Chanyeol is his best friend-
Ah.
Kyungsoo meets his gaze, and Sehun recognizes this look. He knows it very well, because it's the same look he's being seeing in his mirror every morning for the past four months.
It's the look of someone watching the person they love marrying someone else.
“It sucks,” Sehun says after a pause.
Kyungsoo gives him a look, questioning and intrigued, and Sehun bites his lip. It's awkward, and fucked up, and weirdly enough, Sehun almost wants to laugh.
Before Sehun can say anything else, the music stops. Baekhyun and Chanyeol, hand in hand, walk past them, accompanied by Zitao, Junmyeon, Kris and Luhan, who shoots him a worried look as discreetly as he can manage. Kyungsoo and Sehun stare at them, but Baekhyun and Chanyeol don't even cast a glance in their direction because they're too busy drowning in each other's gazes to see anyone else, and that's a pretty good summary of the whole situation, as distressing and disheartening as it sounds.
When Sehun looks back at Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo is staring at him, and the glint of sadness in Sehun's own eyes seem to reflect on his. Sehun looks away.
“Actually, yeah, it does.”
Kyungsoo sighs inaudibly and drops his head, and Sehun doesn't need to look to know that he's staring down at his feet. Sehun's heart almost stings, because he's never considered that he might not be the only one going through this, and he really doesn't wish it upon anyone. He admits, though, that he also feels the slightest bit better, because it always feels good to know that you're not alone.
“How long have you known Baekhyun?” Kyungsoo asks casually, rubbing the back of his neck.
“Since middle school,” Sehun says without hesitation. “What about you with Chanyeol?”
“First year of college.”
“Um.”
“I think this is awkward.”
“It probably is.”
They both startle when they see Baekhyun and Chanyeol walking toward them, alone. The others are nowhere to be seen, except Luhan, who is sitting at a table across from them with Victoria and is giving Sehun concerned looks every thirty seconds. Sehun appreciates his friend's concern, but he wishes Luhan didn't involuntarily make things more difficult than they already are.
Kyungsoo's face breaks into a smile, and Chanyeol grins back at him with complete happiness, and Kyungsoo's smile doesn't falter one bit when Chanyeol grabs Baekhyun's hand and holds it tightly in his.
Definitely, Kyungsoo is just as good an actor as Sehun is.
“Sehun?” Baekhyun asks, and Sehun almost jumps. Baekhyun is looking at him with a slight frown creasing his forehead, and Sehun wonders if, just for a moment, he let his face display his inner emotion. He swallows and forces himself to regain composure, because he can't do that, not now. Not ever.
“I'm really happy for you two,” Sehun declares. He almost wants to applaud himself when it actually sounds convincing, and Baekhyun's frown disappears from his face just as fast as it came.
“Thank you,” Baekhyun says and cracks him a radiant smile, and really, Sehun thinks that as long as he still gets to see this smile, he can cope with the fact that he's not the reason behind it.
“We have to go. They want us to take pictures with everyone. See you later, guys,” Chanyeol waves at them, and Baekhyun waves his hand at Sehun, the one with the ring, and Sehun watches him walk away with a churning in his gut that has nothing to do with his empty stomach.
“He's always been hopelessly in love with Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo says suddenly as soon as the couple is out of earshot, and his smile looks bitter, but the sadness is more palpable in his voice than anything else. “I always knew that it wouldn't happen. That we wouldn't happen. Guess it takes more than knowing it to stop.”
Sehun knows. He knows how hard it is to move on from something that never existed in the first place, because it's all in your mind, and you can't stop pointless ‘what if’s from racing through your brain until you just wish you could stop thinking. It's too late, now, though, and Sehun knows it, but somehow, his brain doesn't seem to grasp it yet.
“I understand why he is,” Sehun says. Kyungsoo doesn't get upset, and he just shrugs, gaze wandering over the guests talking and laughing and dancing in front of them. It feels like there's a wall between them and this happy crowd, thin enough for no one else to see it, but tangible enough for them to feel like they're suffocating within it.
“Don't you think it's unfair?” Sehun asks. He's not being moany or self-pitying; his question is genuine, curiosity real in his voice, because he never gets to ask this question to anyone. Sehun talks about it with Luhan and Jongdae, sometimes, and Sehun appreciates having a heart-to-heart with someone without the incessant worried stares and careful phrasing, like Sehun is going to break and shatter into pieces if they're not tactful enough.
Kyungsoo shrugs again, and he leans back in his seat, staring off into space, probably searching his brain for an answer.
“We're just the unlucky people,” Kyungsoo says finally, and he laughs, and this time it looks less bitter than his precedent smile, although still tainted with undoubtful sadness. “Every story needs its unlucky people.”
“Unlucky people can't be happy?” Sehun asks.
He feels a sharp pain in his chest when he hears his own question, like a dozen rusty knives piercing through his heart. He's never considered being happy without Baekhyun, and now that Baekhyun is not here anymore, Sehun feels like the ground is crumbling beneath his feet. Technically, he didn't lose Baekhyun, because he's still his best friend, and they're still going to be together, but he's not Baekhyun's priority anymore. No matter how many times Baekhyun assures him that him being married doesn't change anything, Sehun is fully conscious that it does change everything.
The idea of never being happy, of being stuck in this incessant cycle of seeing the person he loves with someone else without being able to do anything about it, is, quite frankly, absolutely frightening. Sehun tries to ignore it, because he doesn't want to break down, not now, not here, but his lungs feel like they have been crushed in his chest, and his heart is pounding against his ribcage.
“I didn't say that,” Kyungsoo says softly, and he sounds almost hesitant, but his voice becomes more determined when he meets Sehun's desperate gaze. “I guess it's just harder for them to get to it.”
“It actually really fucking breaks my heart,” Sehun says. His composure is intact and his face is as impassive as it was ten minutes ago, but if Kyungsoo listens closely, he could probably tell that his voice is trembling.
“Why did you come, Sehun?”
The question catches Sehun off-guard, and after staring at Kyungsoo for a few seconds, he actually takes the time to think about it.
Sehun didn't want to miss Baekhyun's wedding. Sehun is Baekhyun's best friend, and best friends don't miss their best friend's wedding. Regardless of how badly Sehun is in love with him, Sehun still didn't want to miss Baekhyun's day, couldn't bring himself to. Because despite it all, Sehun knows Baekhyun can't be fully happy without him, either, and maybe that's what hurts the most, because Sehun wishes Baekhyun could just let him go, so Sehun can let the bridges burn and start anew far away from him, but Baekhyun would be sad, devastated even, and Sehun could never do something that would hurt him.
“He's my best friend, and it's his wedding,” Sehun says simply after a few minutes of reflection, fingers trailing over the surface of the table. “I couldn't really not come.”
If Kyungsoo thinks it isn't a good enough reason, he doesn't say anything, and Sehun is thankful for that. He doesn't want to explain his motives, or to justify himself, because he's not sure he really knows, either. Also because, as much as Sehun has been trying to lock everything away and act unaffected by pretty much everything, it still fucking hurts whenever he thinks about it, and Sehun isn't a masochist by any means.
Then again, Sehun thinks, Kyungsoo is here, too, willingly participating in the destruction of his own heart, so he can't really comment on how invalid Sehun's reasons might be.
“It's not that I'm not happy that he is happy,” Kyungsoo says, looking like he's deep in thought. Sehun almost wants to nod his head and tell him that he knows, that he doesn't need to explain him, but instead he lets him gather his thoughts and words, because somehow, Sehun thinks Kyungsoo needs it as much as he does. “I'm happy for him. I really am. I just- I just wish he could have been happy with me, you know?” Kyungsoo pauses and frowns. “Is it selfish?” he asks.
“No,” Sehun answers. It isn't selfish, because feelings aren't selfish; they are fucked up and undesirable and painful and devastating, but they aren't selfish. Selfish is not caring, and Sehun can tell Kyungsoo cares a lot more than he should. He knows it, because if Kyungsoo cared more about himself than about Chanyeol, he wouldn't be here today. Just like Sehun wouldn't be here if he didn't care about Baekhyun more than anything in the world.
“I spent the last two years trying to fall in love with someone else,” Kyungsoo says, voice low and unsure and hesitant like he isn't sure he should be telling Sehun, but gives in anyway because he can't keep it to himself anymore. “Never happened.”
Sehun can't help but laugh at that. “Yeah, it doesn't work like that. It doesn't just happen because you want it, no matter how much you do.”
Kyungsoo looks at him and sighs, and Sehun notices Kyungsoo has really pretty eyes. Not Baekhyun-pretty, but really, really pretty. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Sehun wonders what it would be to see these eyes reflect happiness instead of hopelessness and anguish, like they are now.
“Guess we'll have to start a new beginning,” Kyungsoo laughs, half wryly, and half downright horrified. He looks terrified, because new beginnings are always terrifying, and if he’s honest with himself, Sehun is scared shitless, too, but he tries not to show it.
“It always works in movies,” Sehun points out, just to light up the mood.
Kyungsoo looks up at him and smiles, and Sehun smiles back, and he hopes his smile looks at least as genuine as Kyungsoo's does.
They will be alright. Not today, not tomorrow, not in a month, and probably not even in a year, but they will. Healing is a long process, and Sehun knows he needs to come to terms with everything if he wants to see its end. He has to come to terms with the fact that Baekhyun isn't his, and never will be, and that Baekhyun loves him to the end of the world and will always be his best friend, and nothing else. He has to come to terms with the fact that he will never wake up next to Baekhyun, never fall asleep against him, never take breakfast with him again.
He has to come to terms with the fact that he will never know if Baekhyun's hand would fit in his as perfectly as he can't stop thinking it would.
“I think we don't have anything to do here anymore,” Kyungsoo concludes, and Sehun knows he's right. Kyungsoo doesn't look as miserable anymore; he still looks fairly drained and Sehun knows his dark circles are not about to go away, but maybe, just maybe, Kyungsoo will find happiness somewhere along the line, and maybe Sehun will, too.
“There's a really cool chinese place down the street,” Sehun says tentatively. “Wanna go grab something to eat?”
Kyungsoo stares at him for a few seconds, and then he smiles and nods, and Sehun gets up, and they walk together to the exit. Luhan shifts his gaze over to him as soon as he passes by his table, and Sehun meets his gaze, and what Luhan reads in his must be reassuring enough that he just smiles at him, sadly, and turns back to Victoria, and Sehun and Kyungsoo leave the reception hall without anyone trying to stop them.
Nothing stopping them from starting their new beginning.