I cannot live without The Weakerthans.
I'm currently typing from my Aunt's house...the funeral was today. It's an odd thing, funerals. I'll leave it at that.
It's a pretty torn subject with me right now. One part of me wants to cry day and night, but I can't. My parents have been handling this very hard. I feel as though I'm parent at the moment...trying to carry them through this. It's tough because this is the first time they've really let their guard down about a death. Usually it's me that falls apart...it's just too much at times.
This death has got me thinking...perhaps I've been looking at everything in the wrong light. I always say I want to do things, but never do them. I always want to change, but never do. I always want something, but am too afraid to go for it. I don't know. Perhaps it's just emotion speaking, but I really want to do so much with my life. Yeah, I'm a cynical person. Yeah, I'm a harsh person at times. Yeah, I can be pretty negative about things...but fuck, what's the point in living if you don't have some kind of hope, right?
Did I tell you Nick came to the funeral? My Uncle always liked him...I was surprised because no one knew he was coming. It was a bittersweet moment. He took the death of my Uncle pretty hard. He's no good with death either. It was good seeing him there, though, I won't lie. It was like seeing an old friend. I haven't seen him for a while...we're both so different now. He's matured, gotten wiser. Dare I say, he's grown up? Finally, at the age of 23 he's grown into his own. I'm proud of him. He has to leave tomorrow for NYC. He asked me to come along and I almost went. Just because I miss all my friends out there. I need a close group of friends again...friends that can call me in the middle of the night and say, "hey, I need a break from life, let's watch a movie and hang out". I miss that.
I've realized how much I've grown from freshman year. But I've also realized how much further I have to go...
I'm not putting this under a cut...because I'm a rebel like that. Took it from Esther. I usually never fill these out...
1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
Went skydiving--took a gondola ride in Venice--stood on the beaches of Normandy--played with Swiss cows in Switzerland--went bike riding in Wales--got lost on in Rome--saw Ewan McGregor in London--gazed at the Eifel Tower at night in Paris--watched skateboarders in Sweden--tried absinthe in Berlin--read Kafka in the Prague--slept on an overnight train--fell hard for a stranger.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I usually don't make resolutions. This year is different. I have goals that I plan on keeping.
5. What countries did you visit?
England, Wales, Scotland, Sweden, Czech Republic, Germany, France, Italy, Vatican City, Switzerland.
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
A professional job, a vehicle, money, a real life.
7. What dates from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Every day from Euro Term because it was so amazing, "do you remember...that night in October..."-- a memory that will remain a secret.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Opening up to people I might not have otherwise.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Taking Europe for granted at times...being an idiot.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Having my heart stabbed repeatedly. Other than that, nothing I didn't get over.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Probably a trip to the Normandy Beaches...a life long dream.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
All of my friends...without them I really am nothing of importance.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
So-called friends who don't stand by others in a time of need, parents of friends who criticize them for no reason, myself for various reasons.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Europe. End of story.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Seeing Ewan McGregor in person, skydiving, going to Glasgow, ugh-- at the time, spending the summer with Mark (I look back and just laugh).
16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
"Aside" or "The Reasons" by The Weakerthans because it reminds me of what I went through this year...
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or hardened?
Happier...but changed happier...
ii. thinner or fatter?
Much fatter. I need to work on that.
iii. richer or poorer?
Eh, same.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Relaxed, not taken things for granted...
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
over-analyze everything.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
At my Aunt's bar that was closed for the day. What a waste. But I saw my family and that's always good.
23. Any one-night stands?
Negative.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
LOST.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hate-- no. Dislike, yes.
26. What was the best book you read?
A Moveable Fest by Ernest Hemingway. I've never read it before until I was in Paris...and now I'm in love with it.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hmmm...probably The Microphones just because I never listened to them before 2005.
28. What did you want and get?
New experiences to talk about.
29. What did you want and not get?
A life beyond Augustana.
30. Favorite film of this year?
Hmmm...difficult. I don't really remember what came out this year.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I worked on my birthday and then some friends surprised me at my house with balloons, presents, and a birthday cake. I was 21. No drinking because I had to work that night.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
"Stupid". I don't match what I think people will like. I match what I like.
34. What kept you sane?
My close friends, my faith, and my iPod.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Kim Jong Il and everything about the North Korean "talks".
37. Who do you miss?
Eh, someone.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"You might roll your eyes at this, but I'm so glad that you exist."
or
"...and I'm leaning on this broken fence between past and present tense...and I'm losing all those stupid games that I swore I'd never play, but it almost feels okay."
Thank God for The Weakerthans...
It's a pretty torn subject with me right now. One part of me wants to cry day and night, but I can't. My parents have been handling this very hard. I feel as though I'm parent at the moment...trying to carry them through this. It's tough because this is the first time they've really let their guard down about a death. Usually it's me that falls apart...it's just too much at times.
This death has got me thinking...perhaps I've been looking at everything in the wrong light. I always say I want to do things, but never do them. I always want to change, but never do. I always want something, but am too afraid to go for it. I don't know. Perhaps it's just emotion speaking, but I really want to do so much with my life. Yeah, I'm a cynical person. Yeah, I'm a harsh person at times. Yeah, I can be pretty negative about things...but fuck, what's the point in living if you don't have some kind of hope, right?
Did I tell you Nick came to the funeral? My Uncle always liked him...I was surprised because no one knew he was coming. It was a bittersweet moment. He took the death of my Uncle pretty hard. He's no good with death either. It was good seeing him there, though, I won't lie. It was like seeing an old friend. I haven't seen him for a while...we're both so different now. He's matured, gotten wiser. Dare I say, he's grown up? Finally, at the age of 23 he's grown into his own. I'm proud of him. He has to leave tomorrow for NYC. He asked me to come along and I almost went. Just because I miss all my friends out there. I need a close group of friends again...friends that can call me in the middle of the night and say, "hey, I need a break from life, let's watch a movie and hang out". I miss that.
I've realized how much I've grown from freshman year. But I've also realized how much further I have to go...
I'm not putting this under a cut...because I'm a rebel like that. Took it from Esther. I usually never fill these out...
1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
Went skydiving--took a gondola ride in Venice--stood on the beaches of Normandy--played with Swiss cows in Switzerland--went bike riding in Wales--got lost on in Rome--saw Ewan McGregor in London--gazed at the Eifel Tower at night in Paris--watched skateboarders in Sweden--tried absinthe in Berlin--read Kafka in the Prague--slept on an overnight train--fell hard for a stranger.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I usually don't make resolutions. This year is different. I have goals that I plan on keeping.
5. What countries did you visit?
England, Wales, Scotland, Sweden, Czech Republic, Germany, France, Italy, Vatican City, Switzerland.
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
A professional job, a vehicle, money, a real life.
7. What dates from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Every day from Euro Term because it was so amazing, "do you remember...that night in October..."-- a memory that will remain a secret.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Opening up to people I might not have otherwise.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Taking Europe for granted at times...being an idiot.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Having my heart stabbed repeatedly. Other than that, nothing I didn't get over.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Probably a trip to the Normandy Beaches...a life long dream.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
All of my friends...without them I really am nothing of importance.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
So-called friends who don't stand by others in a time of need, parents of friends who criticize them for no reason, myself for various reasons.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Europe. End of story.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Seeing Ewan McGregor in person, skydiving, going to Glasgow, ugh-- at the time, spending the summer with Mark (I look back and just laugh).
16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
"Aside" or "The Reasons" by The Weakerthans because it reminds me of what I went through this year...
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or hardened?
Happier...but changed happier...
ii. thinner or fatter?
Much fatter. I need to work on that.
iii. richer or poorer?
Eh, same.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Relaxed, not taken things for granted...
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
over-analyze everything.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
At my Aunt's bar that was closed for the day. What a waste. But I saw my family and that's always good.
23. Any one-night stands?
Negative.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
LOST.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hate-- no. Dislike, yes.
26. What was the best book you read?
A Moveable Fest by Ernest Hemingway. I've never read it before until I was in Paris...and now I'm in love with it.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hmmm...probably The Microphones just because I never listened to them before 2005.
28. What did you want and get?
New experiences to talk about.
29. What did you want and not get?
A life beyond Augustana.
30. Favorite film of this year?
Hmmm...difficult. I don't really remember what came out this year.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I worked on my birthday and then some friends surprised me at my house with balloons, presents, and a birthday cake. I was 21. No drinking because I had to work that night.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
"Stupid". I don't match what I think people will like. I match what I like.
34. What kept you sane?
My close friends, my faith, and my iPod.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Kim Jong Il and everything about the North Korean "talks".
37. Who do you miss?
Eh, someone.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"You might roll your eyes at this, but I'm so glad that you exist."
or
"...and I'm leaning on this broken fence between past and present tense...and I'm losing all those stupid games that I swore I'd never play, but it almost feels okay."
Thank God for The Weakerthans...