the only non-living girl in st. louis? so. fucking. expected.

[ohsotypical]

so. today's been an interesting day? david, nikki, and i decided last night we were going to sleep in until 5 pm. that lasted until 11 am. nikki and i got up, and decided to go switch my sim card so i can finally have a phone, and then go to the grind. i brought 3 dollars with me so that all i could buy was my vanilla latte. we got to t-mobile, and they told me it was going to be 21.45 to switch my sim card, when it had been free every other time. we drove back to the apt to get more money. i was running up the back stairs and i heard nikki's car turn off. i thought maybe it had died so i stopped and looked to see if she had a panicked look on her face. she looked fine, so i figured she had just turned it off to save gas. i ran up, got the money, got back in the car, and she tried to start it. it wouldn't start. (for those of you that don't know, nikki's car does this all the time, so her parents brought up a brand new battery for her yesterday) this was routine. my grandpa was worried about her and i since this happened so often, and had bought us a battery charger. we tried to use it and then realized we had to charge it first. we couldn't find a plug close enough, so we went upstairs, plugged it in, and asked david to pull his car up to nikki's while i grabbed my jumper cables from my car out front. i grabbed the cables. we tried to connect them like we always do. they started sparking so nikki jerked them off really quickly. there was a set of instructions connected to the wires, so i suggested we follow the directions and maybe these jumper cables were different. we did exactly what the instructions told us and then when we went to connect the last one, it kind of sparked when we touched it to the metal. nikki jerked her hand away, and i suggested that it probably just sparked when they touched and that it would be fine when it was fully clamped. so she fully clamped it, and it was sparking like crazy. nikki tried to grab it and pull it off, but it was too hot, and it burned her hand pretty badly. nikki was in hysterics, i was confused, and david was just. i don't know. confused? he's incredibly hard to read. all of a sudden, the last clamp we connected caught on fire. then all four caught on fire. THE ENGINES WERE FUCKING ON FIRE. i did what i always do in bad situations. just stand there in shock. no reaction. nothing. just watching their cars go up in flames and thinking of how it was my fault since i had suggested it would be ok to clamp the last one. nikki was freaking out and banging on everyone's doors. screaming help at the top of her lungs. asking people to call 911. a few people called. it felt like forever until we heard the fire truck sirens. david slowly walked up the stairs and into the apartment. while his car was going up in flames. hm. i just kept thinking of how the flames would get to the gas tank, the cars would blow up, and people would die, cars would be ruined, surrounding apartment buildings would go up in flames, and it would all be my fault. i hid in the basement stairs until the fire department got there. i kept trying to coax nikki into the stairs, but she wouldn't hear me. she just kept flipping out. she realized her laptop and her grandma's cell phone, and everything that was hers and was expensive was in the car. she asked me if she should get in the car and get it. i calmly tried to tell her no, and get her in the stairs. she wouldn't listen. she didn't get in the car, thank god. but she was standing right next to the fire. i realized that the blanket in my kit was a fireproof blanket and maybe we could throw it over the fire and put it out before we blew up. people were running out of their apartment buildings and driving their land rovers and nice cars away from our mess. i kept thinking it was going to explode right as they were closest. and they were only trying to protect their belongings. and they were going to die. and it was going to be all my fault. we grabbed the fireproof blanket and walked over to the flames that were now taller than us. i stopped her from getting any closer, remembering that this blanket was from the same kit that had the jumper cables, and i didn't trust that it was really truly firesafe. the fire department came right as i stopped nikki with the blanket. nikki ran down the alley screaming "hurry! hurry! my car! hurry! please hurry!" i didn't know what to do. i saw the fireman go behind the flames. it seemed like forever until he started to put it out, i guess he was hooking up the hose. i wasn't sure what he was doing taking so long behind the flames, and i kept picturing the car blowing up in his face. and him dying. and then another 9-11 thing. he's got kids and a beautiful wife, and they just purchased their first home, and his wife's pregnant again. and they would all be crying, and his wife would have to start working and neglecting her kids, and my face would be on the news as the person who ruined her life. and it would be all my fault. finally, he started to put out the flames. their cars were ruined. the front was completely melted, and chunks of nikki's engine had just dropped onto the asphault. it smelled terrible. people had come out of their apartments to watch. i swear they kept looking at me and blaming me. the flames were eventually put out completely, nikki's hands were looked at by the paramedics, they said they were fine, and we grabbed all of the stuff out of her car, including all my ged papers. their cars were towed down the street since they were blocking the alley. nikki's parents came to get her to take her home for a day or two. david just seemed. numb. no reaction at all. nothing. after the fire trucks had gone and only one police officer was left, and she didn't seem to need me, i decided to walk down to tmobile and get my sim card so nikki could use her phone and david could use mine. i got the phone. and immediately called drew. just to prove that i'm together enough to get my phone back. i got sent to some guy named peter's voicemail? i don't know. i was confused. then i went into hysterics. realized i had no one. except zac. i called zac. in hysterics. he had no idea what he was saying. he was at pointfest (ughhhh) and couldn't hear anything, not that i was speaking anything close to understandably. i kept telling him he was the only one i could count on right now to be there for me. he just kept saying he couldn't hear me. i told him to come over when he was done. out of all the people to call, i called my mom next. why? i'm not sure. i hoped her motherly instincts would kick in. because i just needed someone to take care of me, as pathetic as that is. she calmed me down, and i told her i forgot to send the check for my ticket. i told her as soon as i think everything is together, everything falls apart. i can't live my life sanely. i can't do it. she told me i'd be fine, but i needed to get that ticket in, she said she'd take care of it tomorrow. i told her i had lost the keys to my car. i told her that somehow, in a matter of a week i caused the three accessible cars around me to be eliminated as anything of transportation. i kept saying how i was trying to get my life together so that when i got into school, all i had to deal with was school. and that how life or god or whatever wouldn't allow that to happen. it is not allowed to be easy for me. it's just not. i mean, it's normal problem for people to miss rent, or lose their job when they need to make bills or something. BUT WHO THE FUCK BURNS UP CARS? no one. i told her that 80%, probably more, of america goes through their life without setting a car on fire. and even more of them go through life without being homeless, without moving out of the house at 17, without having a breakdown at work and almost losing their job, without the things that i put myself in on a daily basis. i don't really remember what she said, but it was nice and motherly. i got off the phone and tried to call my grandpa a million and a half times. finally he called me back when i got to the apartment. i went back into hysterics. told him the same things i told my mom. about how somehow, i am the small percentage in every strange situation. about how a small percentage of americans set cars on fire, and i've done that by 17. and that all the other things i've caused, an even smaller amount of americans cause. how do i do it? i don't know. maybe it's a talent. i don't want it, tho. my grandpa told me i just needed to slow down. he told me he was coming to get me. that i needed a break. i don't know. i told him that he needs to stop bailing me out of every situation. he said he doesn't bail me out of anything. i realize that's true, but i don't want him to start. i don't want to be like my father. i don't want to abuse his kindness. plus. i accept way more than enough from him. anyway. i'm at the grind now. katie came and picked me and david up right after nikki left with her parents.

um. i wanted to right about last night. so i guess i'll do it now. i've been looking around for nice boys. nikki says i just need to stop, but i want someone that's just really nice right now. i don't need anyone. it's just what i want. i don't want a relationship. i just want someone nice to care about me that i can be nice back to and care about them. either that or the same person i've wanted so badly for the past year. but i think we all know that's not going to happen. i hate that i've turned into one of the girl sthat made me so mad, sending him emails about how he was the only one they had ever loved and blahblahblah. i am one of those. and i hate it. so i'm trying not to be. anyway. there is this boy at work. who is so ridiculously nice to me. he asked what i was doing last night after work towards the beginning of his shift. i had said i wanted to go get a drink at cicero's and then go home for a quiet night. he said he wanted to go get drinks too and asked who i was going with. i said no one yet. he asked if he could join me. i said yes. he talked about it the whole shift pretty much. how we were going to play pool and be so terrible at it. i actually got excited. a new friend. a new nice friend. yay. so i got cut, and he got cut not long after me. after i came downstairs from checking out, he was about to go check out. i told him i was going to head down there and asked if he wanted me to order him a drink. he asked for me to order him a schlafley heffeweisen or however it's spelled with a lemon. i started to walk out the door, and nicholas was there waiting for michael to get off of work. i asked if he wanted to split a bbq pizza with me really quick since he said he was starving. i figured michael and bobby (the nice boy) would be done around the same time, so it would work out perfectly. we walked down to cicero's. talked for a bit. i ordered a lime margarita on the rocks with sugar on the rim like always. and a schlafley heffeweisen with a lemon. and a bbq pizza. we ate our pizza. i worried about what was taking bobby so long. michael came in. we asked if bobby was done, he said he thought so. the bar called last call, so i ordered a car bomb and a corona. i figured bobby would like one of the three drinks in front of me, so he would have something else besides one beer. we waited for a long, long time. i called work and asked if he had left, they said he had left about a half hour ago. i was upset. i did the car bomb, chugged the corona, and we left. michael and nicholas came back to my apartment since they are looking for new roommates and everyone moves out at the end of the summer. they hung out for a while. and they were actually quite fun. i really like them. and i feel badly for all the assumptions i had made after knowing them for about two weeks. i fell asleep. and then woke up to a terrible. terrible. day.

i miss everyone. i feel like i have no one. even though i have so many people around me that care about me. i'm sorry. don't feel underappreciated. it'll get better. i'll get better. i promise. just please stick it out with me. it'll be a month. tops. promise. love!