#03. "I would go through all this pain, take a bullet straight through my brain..."
Ode to Bruno Mars for the title.
Today when I witnessed the release of his fantastic masterpiece "Grenade", a lot of realisations had sprung up. They tore their way through poorly patched up wounds that finally were cut through. I find myself losing myself & being mesmerised heavily when I hear this song, JUST after watching the video. The protagonist in this video, they carry this heavy ass piano to this one person that they care about the most... only to realise that they're only playing the person they're in love with. Basically, they're carrying their love to do the ONLY thing they care about... he struggles... gets abused on the way... gets watched... gets hurt.... but he doesn't care, he believes that he only loves her and he would die for her.
That protagonist, that person in that video... the piano dragger, that's me. I've been dragging this fuckin' piano for six months over a guy that I'd catch several grenades for, a guy that I'd suicide for any day and at any time for... but he'd never do anything of the sort for him. His hands and feelings are subconsciously folded in in my fingers and I've tucked them safely away into the very depths of my emotional memories that I've had of him. When he was uncalled for territory, I pushed him away from every part of my body and moved on... but he just came back for me.
And oh, he's taken.
Why do men like to torture souls like us? Why do they like good girls to turn bad? Do they want to torment us and make sure that we all fuck up our perfectly normal/sweet minds?
What I don't understand about this man (I'm sorry, he's not a man - he's a boy). I would go through such inhumane lengths to prove to this man I'm in love with his superhuman ways of making me feel so perfect - I guess all women and girls would say such things about all men that they love. I pack his lunch sometimes, when we play piano together we share the same stool, when I forget things in classrooms he picks them up and packs them away, I carry his guitar around everywhere when he needs extra hands, he literally 'keeps' onto me like I'm his special 'thing' or 'friend'.
But what's the worst is that he 'gets inside my headspace'. He knows when I lie, when I'm saying the truth, he knows all my body like it's readable. NO ONE can read me very well, but I don't know how he does it... it's so retarded.
And now, I've had enough. I want no one's sympathy or empathy for me in any situtation... I want no one to feel sorry for me. I just want prayers that he moves away from me. I'm getting hurt, I'm getting REALLY hurt with the ways that he torments with his 'friendly love'. All these rumors, all these people saying things about us.. far out I don't blame them for their assumptions because they're very valid with everything that they say. I'm sick and tired of being put in this situation, I do not deserve this shit... really do not deserve to be faced with this emotional shit right now.
I'm gonna blast "Grenade" for a few more hours, subconsciously visit the bathroom and hurl the loofah at the mirror and take a page out of one of those typical films and grasp the bathroom vanity and cry my eyes out with anguish.
Till then, I'm out.
Today when I witnessed the release of his fantastic masterpiece "Grenade", a lot of realisations had sprung up. They tore their way through poorly patched up wounds that finally were cut through. I find myself losing myself & being mesmerised heavily when I hear this song, JUST after watching the video. The protagonist in this video, they carry this heavy ass piano to this one person that they care about the most... only to realise that they're only playing the person they're in love with. Basically, they're carrying their love to do the ONLY thing they care about... he struggles... gets abused on the way... gets watched... gets hurt.... but he doesn't care, he believes that he only loves her and he would die for her.
That protagonist, that person in that video... the piano dragger, that's me. I've been dragging this fuckin' piano for six months over a guy that I'd catch several grenades for, a guy that I'd suicide for any day and at any time for... but he'd never do anything of the sort for him. His hands and feelings are subconsciously folded in in my fingers and I've tucked them safely away into the very depths of my emotional memories that I've had of him. When he was uncalled for territory, I pushed him away from every part of my body and moved on... but he just came back for me.
And oh, he's taken.
Why do men like to torture souls like us? Why do they like good girls to turn bad? Do they want to torment us and make sure that we all fuck up our perfectly normal/sweet minds?
What I don't understand about this man (I'm sorry, he's not a man - he's a boy). I would go through such inhumane lengths to prove to this man I'm in love with his superhuman ways of making me feel so perfect - I guess all women and girls would say such things about all men that they love. I pack his lunch sometimes, when we play piano together we share the same stool, when I forget things in classrooms he picks them up and packs them away, I carry his guitar around everywhere when he needs extra hands, he literally 'keeps' onto me like I'm his special 'thing' or 'friend'.
But what's the worst is that he 'gets inside my headspace'. He knows when I lie, when I'm saying the truth, he knows all my body like it's readable. NO ONE can read me very well, but I don't know how he does it... it's so retarded.
And now, I've had enough. I want no one's sympathy or empathy for me in any situtation... I want no one to feel sorry for me. I just want prayers that he moves away from me. I'm getting hurt, I'm getting REALLY hurt with the ways that he torments with his 'friendly love'. All these rumors, all these people saying things about us.. far out I don't blame them for their assumptions because they're very valid with everything that they say. I'm sick and tired of being put in this situation, I do not deserve this shit... really do not deserve to be faced with this emotional shit right now.
I'm gonna blast "Grenade" for a few more hours, subconsciously visit the bathroom and hurl the loofah at the mirror and take a page out of one of those typical films and grasp the bathroom vanity and cry my eyes out with anguish.
Till then, I'm out.