i never knew
in all my imaginings i never saw myself like this. i have become something that i cannot control. i love you but i hate who i am when i am with you, i turn into a monster, a relic from some other time, someone completely irrational, inconsiderate and violent. i see you and i want to shatter everything, i want to break you, i want to see glass explode against the walls, i want to hear the crash of furniture overturning. it is like i go insane, a few minutes at at a time, i hyperventilate i have no control, i treat you in ways i could never rationalize. i am ashamed, i am horrified, i frighten myself and i do not know how to fix it, i cannot seem to stop.