Words of Wisdom.
Dear David;
I understand your 'sense of balance' theory. But what happens when you can't find a sense of direction and of balance? What happens when things start crumbling and you can't find a way to stop them? What if you're struggling and alone and no one seems to care quite enough? Do you let people turn into things they don't want to be and develop into people they don't want to become in front of our eyes? Do we let them turn to drinking to try to mentally find a state of mind that allows them to be free of their problems and stressers until the feeling wears off? Do we let them turn to drugs and pills and watch them slowly abuse themselves again and again because they can't find this sense of balance? Or do we watch them selfishly and understandably take what was only theirs and end their lives, leaving those that could have, should have, wanted to do something behind all because they were left alone and told to stand on their own two feet?
I agree with everything you've written and I don't want you to feel as though I'm questioning it. Believe what you may, but I'm intelligent. I have a sense of what is right and what is wrong. And I believe my common sense is the only thing that has kept me here. The part of me that doesn't want to live any longer without some sort of reason and purpose is fighting the part of me that is confused and depressed, lonley and challenged. The pressure is severe and the back and forth is frustrating and intolerable. I'm genuinely surprised to still be here. Between the anxiety attacks, the mental breakdowns that I endure at the very least a weekly basis. I don't want to go to a therapist. I don't want to have to explain my life story to someone who is getting paid to listen. And I mean no negativity towards what works for you and anybody else. I don't want to take pills. I have a very standoffish opinion about them that isn't relative at the moment. I wanted somebody who knows me to listen. And I mean it completely when I say that Jenna was the only person who did. I've wanted for quite some time to speak to Kellie about it, but I haven't had the time. And Barbara. But she's busy as usual. Don't ask me why I feel so drawn to them, but I do. And I know you have your own problems, your own issues and your own life and don't need to be bothered with any of my problems. I just don't see the purpose in being here and nobody and nothing can change that. It's a gut feeling that I have had since July. It's aching and it's hard as a rock and regardless of what I do, I can't seem to make it go away. In seven months, I have lost a total of 50lbs, become unable to eat, have constant bowel and intenstinal problems and once again I have forced myself to see only the negative. I have very many things to be thankful for, to be grateful for. But those are all people and things out of my reach now. States away, worlds apart. And I can't seem to ground myself to find this sense of balance you speak of. Nobody anywhere seems to be able to connect to the concept that I need to have physical contact with somebody. I need to physically sit and talk with someone, not type or text. I just want a friend. And nobody seems to understand that. Aron pushes aside 90% of how I feel, regardless of what I'm trying to deal with and my mom doesn't take anything I say realistically. No one's problems are bigger than her own. I feel as though I'm walking on a balance beam; so alone in a world with nothing to look forward to, no one to talk to and it's only a matter of time before I fall.
-Danielle
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Danielle;
I don't get why you won't see a therapist. I mean, I understand your explanation. I won't argue with you about medication, either, because I don't know how I feel about that myself. I know I've done it when I've felt my most desperate and it's really debatable whether it actually helped or not. So I'm not going to encourage you to do that. But you're wrong about the therapist thing. It can be hard to find the RIGHT one, but you're not going to tell me that just because my therapist gets paid doesn't mean she doesn't care about me. I feel a connection with her, that she's someone I can say anything to. And that's because she's a good human being. On top of that, she's gone to school and earned a degree, continues to be schooled, spends countless hours listening to other people's experience... She is a professional who has dedicated her professional life to making ME feel better; be a better person. In my opinion, my therapist is underpaid; if I could, I'd pay her more.
And here's my other opinion about you that I feel very strongly about, the reason I sometimes back away from you when you act extra needy, and I'm just going to say it and hope you really listen and consider it. I think your problem is deep within yourself and how you feel about yourself. You keep looking at all these people to help you and save you; you keep talking about other people in sometimes glowing terms and sometimes epickly disappointing terms. You love them, then you're finished with them...
It's not about other people. When I say nobody is coming to save you, I mean it. Nobody is coming to save you, or me, or anyone else who suffers depression and/or anxiety. It's not that they don't love you, it's not that they won't answer your phone calls 24 hours a day, it's not that you're there for them more than they are for you...none of that is the point. It's YOU. It all starts with YOU and how YOU feel about YOURSELF. YOU need to save YOURSELF first. And that will make YOU a better daughter, cousin, wife, friend. And it will give you the perspective that you lack and need to see and accept everyone else's flaws; and accept the fact that we are all, to a large extent, selfish creatures. We love each other, we care for each other, we do our best for each other. But the healthiest of us all love ourselves. And I know, I can tell, I can hear and read it from you... I know what you think of yourself. deep down. And I know part of it is your dad's fault; that's what I believe anyway, because I'm a dad now and it's such an awesome responsibility... And you're still only 20, which means to me that whatever hardship it has been for him in raising you... none of it matters. You're his blood, his child, and he failed you. And of all the people that have disappointed you in the past, he might be the only one who deserves your disappointment and more. Because fatherhood transcends all other responsibilities; those of a friend, husband, cousin. In my opinion.
So I'll say this clearly and blunty. It might sound harsh but it is not mean or cruel.
Fix yourself, Danielle. Fix your Self. Stop looking out at others. You say noone seems to care enough, and that's telling. That's YOUR perception. People will always fail you because you set the bar way to high for them; it's unfair. Besides, they have nothing to do with you, at least not where you are today. And I'm not a therapist; I've only taken 2 psych classes so far. I only feel so strongly because I used to hate myself on such a basic level that it took me a long time to even RECOGNIZE that I hated myself. And when I started to make those connections, about a decade ago... it was miraculous. And when I started to tell myself that I was worthwile... and all that stuff... it was miraculous. And who am I to talk, considering what I've been like the past (sigh) 2 years? Well, I was where you are and I fixed myself. I had a guide in an amazing therapist that I still see every other week, and I had books and friends to talk to. But I did it myself, and I did it because one day I said, "fuck this. I'm going to feel better." And I meant it, and I did it, and I didn't waver from that vow, and I worked my ASS of at that insanely simple concept; that I was "just going to feel better." And it was... miraculous.
And now I'm at a different stage in my life and I was not prepared for the curves that came down and they have rocked me to my core. But I haven't forgotten what I learned back then, and neither will you when you finally get your act together and start trying to feel better.
Honestly, Danielle... My opinion of you. Not sugar coated. Not embellished. Not hyperbole. I think you are an amazing human being with a lot to offer the world. I think you have a lot to say and I think people could benefit from hearing you. sometimes I even think people like you have a responsibility to share themselves with the world, because you do have this certain something simmering under all this that is brilliant and beautiful. And once you do get your act together, I think you have the potential to really inspire. And what's cooler than that? I know at your best, you've inspired me. And even at your worst... I can still see through it.
But right now, you are badly, badly stuck. And desperate for someone other than yourself to save you.
Fix yourself, goddam it. Now. Because you still have an amazing life in front of you and you're only getting started. Pay a therapist; you might have to find the right one and it might not be the first person you talk to. But it's worth it, I promise you. Like I said, they are only a guide. But you're lost, and a guide is something you could really use. And when you start to do that, I absolutely guarantee... you'll look at all the people you love and care about that you feel have failed you in a new light and realize that maybe they were there for you after all. Maybe they are also just flawed and doing the best they can. And it's not an equality, thing. Ever. They might never be as there for you as you are for them. But part of that is your need, and part of that is because you have a wonderful heart.
And you have no business feeling alone in the world. Whether I can be that person you feel you need or not (and I can't be), I'll always be here for you. Forever, no matter what. Unless you cheat on me with 6 guys and call me an asshole. Then I'm done with you. But otherwise... knock it off. And even if this little message doesn't solve your problems or provide some miracle cure, at least start to conisder all that you are going through from a new angle. Just think about what it would be like to wake up tomorrow and say, "I'm going to start to feel better now." And not rely on others to carry you there.
You're badass. I see it. I know it. But it's YOUR responsibility to fix YOU. So quit feeling miserable and start feeling better.
-David