(no subject)
i missed my brother's band's show today, and even though it doesn't upset him that i did, it upsets me. i want to be there for my little brother every chance i get because he has a mind like me, it's open and it's free and and he's smart. and so far, he's channled all of into something positive in his life, but because he's a lot like me, i get really scared he's going to take the same path i did and i don't want that for him. granted, i'm getting my shit together lately and i'm not doing so bad, infact i'm doing really good in school and stuff. but i took a hard and rocky path to get there because i messed up badly in highschool and i quit everything i once loved and gave up my future in search of something i didn't understand. i moved out too early and i felt so lost. i was in search of something greater than i could understand at that age, something that i now realize will take a lifetime to learn because it's living that teaches it. and now i accept it, but i remember how lost i felt. i was so unhappy with the choices i made but wouldn't own up to it, so i kept running and running, looking for new answers. i made a lot of wrong decisions, and i wish i had had someone there who kicked my ass and put me right back on the straight and narrow. it's not like i blame anyone else, it's my fault, but i was too young and naive to realize what i was doing. and i'm scared he'll not realize it either. so i'm trying to be there for him in every way, so if he starts to fuck up, he has enough trust in me already to let me guide him back on course. though he's younger than me, he's taught me so much about life and i want to give back to him what he's given me when it's time to, which is faith in family and hope that there's good in the world and that it's never far from where you are. right now he's got his band, which he loves and i'm proud of him for, but he could be doing better in school because hes fucking smart as hell, he's just starting to not care so much about grades. i'm trying so hard to let him know how important school really is and to never give up on it because i want his life to be easier and i want him to be successful in anything he does because i know he can be. i'm ranting, i know no one read this. but i needed to get that out. i'm worried about him because he's so much like me. and i care too much about him to let him have to feel all the pain i did when all that pain can be avoided.