fic ][ the moon is full and my arms are empty
{More fic that follows this. Because.....I don't know. Feeling incredibly lame with her again/still but she's still loud. And this woman is absolutely beautiful even when she cries. Still binding on no one and no place. Oddly enough...I started out with the intention to bring Eliot into this and...it didn't go as planned. Oh well. Best laid plans as they say... Also, I don't need to start really enjoying writing Sophie. It's actually the last thing I need. And...rambling OOC note has rambled enough. Sorry for any crappiness in the fic. It's late.}
"Does it ever stop hurting?"
Parker's voice was soft and distant from where she lay so close to Sophie. She didn't want to look at Sophie, but she was close enough that she could feel her there. Not just in the way that she felt less alone, but in the way that the bed would shift and she would move, or she would feel the soft brush of skin or fabric. Just close. Not touching, but close. And it felt good. It felt needed.
She was on her back staring up at the ceiling, and she felt the bed move slightly beside her. Sophie was leaning up on her side, her head propped in her hand, and looking down at her friend. Parker waited silently for an answer as she watched the blades of the fan go around and around.
Sophie let out a sigh before responding. "It will hurt for awhile, and then the hurt will get more dull, until it's hardly there anymore."
"But...it'll still be there?"
"It's very hard to make it go away completely. It's all a part of who we are and....where we've been." Sophie's hand hesitated before making a gentle move of sweeping hair from Parker's face. Parker had to catch her breath at the move, the comfort of it, and she kept her eyes trained on the ceiling fan.
"It's supposed to make me stronger?"
"That is the idea."
Parker was quiet for a bit. "I don't like that idea," she replied. "It should just...not hurt."
"It hurts because you cared, Parker. Because you loved."
The words hit her ears and made the emotions rise in her throat again, and Parker closed her eyes tightly. Her head shook quickly from side-to-side and stopped. She wanted the words out of her ears. She wanted the emotions out of her throat. "I wish I didn't." The words came out before she could stop herself. As hard as it was to express herself and what she was thinking, she had a hard time censoring those things. Maybe it was natural and only human to want to clam up and keep those things inside, but for Parker they just came out. Especially around someone she was so comfortable with. Someone like Sophie.
"No, don't say that." Sophie shook her head and sighed. "It's good to feel. It's good to love."
"But it hurts," Parker reiterated.
"Because you cared."
The words repeated were quiet, but they were firm. Parker tipped her head to look at Sophie and she couldn't stop the stray tears that spilled from her eyes. She always tried not to cry, but when it happened she couldn't stop it. When it happened she tried her best to not wipe them away, because she didn't want to draw attention to them. Because they were just what they were, tears.
The words had hit her the second time around, and she knew what Sophie was trying to tell her. She knew how things had felt in her heart and in her head before the team, before Hardison. Back then she wouldn't have hurt this much. She wouldn't have cried. It was a circle, because while she wouldn't have hurt she also wouldn't have let Hardison mean enough to her to hurt her. And that's where she was torn. That's what was so difficult.
"It hurts now," Sophie said slowly. "But just think of all of the happiness. Think about how good things can feel now, now that you feel it all."
A faint smile hinted at Parker's lips, and her eyes cast downward. "Like this?"
Sophie reached over for another gentle touch, a thumb across Parker's cheek, and she smiled. "I don't know, is it making you feel better?"
Parker snorted and her shoulders moved up and down in one quick motion. "I still feel like crap, but...maybe a little bit less."
Sophie laughed slightly at that. "Good. Feeling a little less than crap is something."
Parker's chewed her lip through the remainder of that smile as it faded, and she nodded. She was quiet for a long time before speaking again. "Can we call Eliot and make him beat Hardison up?"
"Ahh, let's sleep on that, shall we?" Sophie turned and reached for the lamp beside the bed, before turning over to Parker again. Both were curled up on their sides facing each other, still barely touching. "I don't think it will take much 'making' once he hears, anyhow."
"Because he loves me?" Parker asked, a slight grin in her tone.
"Yes, in his own Eliot way, he does."
There was a beat of silence in the darkness, then quiet and uncertain words. "I...love you, Sophie."
The reply was warm, and returned without a moment's waste. "I love you too, Parker."
795
"Does it ever stop hurting?"
Parker's voice was soft and distant from where she lay so close to Sophie. She didn't want to look at Sophie, but she was close enough that she could feel her there. Not just in the way that she felt less alone, but in the way that the bed would shift and she would move, or she would feel the soft brush of skin or fabric. Just close. Not touching, but close. And it felt good. It felt needed.
She was on her back staring up at the ceiling, and she felt the bed move slightly beside her. Sophie was leaning up on her side, her head propped in her hand, and looking down at her friend. Parker waited silently for an answer as she watched the blades of the fan go around and around.
Sophie let out a sigh before responding. "It will hurt for awhile, and then the hurt will get more dull, until it's hardly there anymore."
"But...it'll still be there?"
"It's very hard to make it go away completely. It's all a part of who we are and....where we've been." Sophie's hand hesitated before making a gentle move of sweeping hair from Parker's face. Parker had to catch her breath at the move, the comfort of it, and she kept her eyes trained on the ceiling fan.
"It's supposed to make me stronger?"
"That is the idea."
Parker was quiet for a bit. "I don't like that idea," she replied. "It should just...not hurt."
"It hurts because you cared, Parker. Because you loved."
The words hit her ears and made the emotions rise in her throat again, and Parker closed her eyes tightly. Her head shook quickly from side-to-side and stopped. She wanted the words out of her ears. She wanted the emotions out of her throat. "I wish I didn't." The words came out before she could stop herself. As hard as it was to express herself and what she was thinking, she had a hard time censoring those things. Maybe it was natural and only human to want to clam up and keep those things inside, but for Parker they just came out. Especially around someone she was so comfortable with. Someone like Sophie.
"No, don't say that." Sophie shook her head and sighed. "It's good to feel. It's good to love."
"But it hurts," Parker reiterated.
"Because you cared."
The words repeated were quiet, but they were firm. Parker tipped her head to look at Sophie and she couldn't stop the stray tears that spilled from her eyes. She always tried not to cry, but when it happened she couldn't stop it. When it happened she tried her best to not wipe them away, because she didn't want to draw attention to them. Because they were just what they were, tears.
The words had hit her the second time around, and she knew what Sophie was trying to tell her. She knew how things had felt in her heart and in her head before the team, before Hardison. Back then she wouldn't have hurt this much. She wouldn't have cried. It was a circle, because while she wouldn't have hurt she also wouldn't have let Hardison mean enough to her to hurt her. And that's where she was torn. That's what was so difficult.
"It hurts now," Sophie said slowly. "But just think of all of the happiness. Think about how good things can feel now, now that you feel it all."
A faint smile hinted at Parker's lips, and her eyes cast downward. "Like this?"
Sophie reached over for another gentle touch, a thumb across Parker's cheek, and she smiled. "I don't know, is it making you feel better?"
Parker snorted and her shoulders moved up and down in one quick motion. "I still feel like crap, but...maybe a little bit less."
Sophie laughed slightly at that. "Good. Feeling a little less than crap is something."
Parker's chewed her lip through the remainder of that smile as it faded, and she nodded. She was quiet for a long time before speaking again. "Can we call Eliot and make him beat Hardison up?"
"Ahh, let's sleep on that, shall we?" Sophie turned and reached for the lamp beside the bed, before turning over to Parker again. Both were curled up on their sides facing each other, still barely touching. "I don't think it will take much 'making' once he hears, anyhow."
"Because he loves me?" Parker asked, a slight grin in her tone.
"Yes, in his own Eliot way, he does."
There was a beat of silence in the darkness, then quiet and uncertain words. "I...love you, Sophie."
The reply was warm, and returned without a moment's waste. "I love you too, Parker."
795