IT WAS PRETTY CLEAR THAT IT WAS HARDLY LOVE

[ohsevenatenine]

It's insane how your brain can make you believe truths that never really exsisted, even when deep down you're aware of how false everything is. If you want something badly enough, you can sure as hell make yourself believe it's there. It hurts, but it's a part of life I guess, and I feel okay for the most part. I'm just scared of being lonely..which i suppose got us into this mess to begin with. I should have known something was wrong when we figured out that I couldn't open up to him in the least, but you never start out looking for the red flag. I had plenty of warning, and it was virtually my call this time so the shock value is at a minimum. I'm just so angry because I feel like he is the worlds biggest liar, and I hate his guts for it, even though I could feel his lies throughout the past 4 and 1/2 months, but like I said I wanted it to work so bad that I shoved my gut feeling aside. I just really hope that I don't crumble when I see him for the first time, because there is no worse feeling than having your chest cave in, when all you want to be is strong. Furthermore, I hope that we figure out how to stay best friends. I know we will..it may just take some time on my part, because I am aware that he's entirely unaffected. I think in retrospect maybe the only love I ever really had for him was the love for a best friend. and if that is the case then we will be wonderful again. what i do love is how I feel that I have my mind back. I was always so preoccupied with trying to keep something so dead, alive, that I lost intrest in virtually everything else. All in all, I see this as a positive step forward. no regrets, just lessons learned.

end of one chapter, begining of a new one.
(but the begining is always a scary place to start.)