start to a thursday.

[ohsavemedearly]

I was going to update last night, but my mum was using the computer room for one of her boring meetings. Last night we got into yet another fight. We came home early from my grandparent's place and mum was really mad that we did. She said that when she doesn't want me here, I'm here and when she wants us to go out with her, I don't.

Her comment

Comments

[fistfuls]

thank you for your kind words. i'm kind of surprised that you weren't aware that my self esteem is so low. i didn't think i could possibly hide anything from you. i'm not trying to. it's just. i don't know. i don't know if it's because i've gotten so used to concealing things that i just do it naturally, or i assume i've already said things, or forget to fill gaps. i don't know. i lie so much these days, it's coming very naturally to me and that makes me really sad. like when people ask how i'm doing, even my best friends, i say i'm great and they believe me and i don't know what i'd do if they didn't. for the most part i've sort of lost that confessional side, the part of me that needs to confide in people. i've always been that way, i've never been able to keep anything to myself. but more and more lately i'm realizing that i don't have anything to say, at least not anything that should be said out loud. because all i want to say is either that i'm not okay and i don't think i know how to be okay, or that i'm just sad that there's no easy solution to all this. i've been thinking about my best friend and trying to figure her out--one thing that comes between us sometimes is that when she's sad, she likes to be sad around other people, and when i'm sad i like to be alone. and so whenever she can see that i'm upset and i just ask her to take me home or whatever, she'll get frustrated and wish i would talk to her. but when i do talk to her i feel like i'm making her uncomfortable and wasting her time. a lot of the time she doesn't know how to respond to ED stuff because she just can't relate, she can't comprehend any of it, she loves food almost as much as she loves me.

lately i've been feeling really in between. like i think i'm beginning to fully grasp the duality that i have to overcome--the wanting to be healthy and be able to live and wanting to be thin and sick. i feel very stuck, because i want to be thin so badly and i like how i feel when i'm that thin but i know that i'm going to college so soon and i'm going to need so much energy and i don't know how much i'll have to eat to keep myself going. it scares me to death. but i'll have to deal. it's things like that that i wish i could explain to my best friend but i just can't imagine her wanting any part in that discussion.

but anyway, i hope you have a great thursday and an even better weekend, my love. good luck with everything. talk to you soon.

love,
nicole