When Sam’s lucid, he doesn’t know how much time has passed. At first he’s aware of the light changing through the fan, but dying has messed up his time perception.
He doesn’t understand why he can’t die. Maybe dying is also a hallucination. Maybe the pain and the hunger are hallucinations, too.
He remembers vaguely the first time Dean and Bobby locked him in here. He was visited by several hallucinations then. People he loved. People he had loved. People he’d always love, no matter how much they despised him, hallucination or not. That much he’s learned from that first time, that his own love does not need reciprocation. But he wants. Oh he wants it so much.
The hallucination is different this time. People he loves, die. The hand that has destroyed Famine, the mighty horseman, is now the hand of death. Everything he touches, dies. Dean dies in his arms. He tells himself it’s not real. It can’t be real. How many times has he told himself that? Hundred times? Two hundred times? How much time has passed? But it was real. Dean had died before, hundreds of times. What did he do to bring him back? How much time has passed since then? Has Dean really come back? Or is this just another cycle in the loop?
He calls out for Dean. If the real Dean’s alive, this dying Dean in his arms must be a hallucination, right? Right! He calls out till his throat is bleeding. Dean is dead. Nobody answers.
In the end he starts to doubt. How much time has passed? Dean wouldn’t have left him alone for this long. He’d have come for him. Dean always comes for him. Except, when he’d died. But he came back. Why doesn’t Dean come back this time? Eventually he became too weak to even think. He held on to Dean’s body. Something, anything to hold on to. His mind slips away as his fingers can’t hold on any longer. Time slips away. At that moment, he is very certain that he is dying.
But he can’t die. He doesn’t remember. There’s no clock in the room. He doesn’t remember whether it was light or dark when he died. Now he knows that he did die. He knows the feeling intimately. Somewhere, someone is talking to him. Soothing, enticing words, encouraging him to get up, promising him the world. Dean is shouting “No!” The other voice is whispering “yessss.”
He reaches for Dean, shying back at the last moment. He remembers now, he remembers Dean dying, his touch killed Dean. But Dean is hugging him tightly. And Dean’s still alive.
“Ar…” Sam tries, his throat doesn’t work. He pushes his lips to Dean’s ear and breathes, “Are you real?”
Dean is hugging him tighter now. Dean is nodding, saying, “Yes, Sammy.” Dean is saying “yes.”
Sam smiles. He feels death creeping into his body. He closes his eyes. He’s not afraid. He can’t die.
Oh, poor Sam! I love his complete loss of sense of time, and the change in his hallucinations, and the way he doesn't even need the reciprocation of things being real.
Thank you so much for filling my prompt, and sorry it took me a while to get back here!
There’s no clock in the panic room.
When Sam’s lucid, he doesn’t know how much time has passed. At first he’s aware of the light changing through the fan, but dying has messed up his time perception.
He doesn’t understand why he can’t die. Maybe dying is also a hallucination. Maybe the pain and the hunger are hallucinations, too.
He remembers vaguely the first time Dean and Bobby locked him in here. He was visited by several hallucinations then. People he loved. People he had loved. People he’d always love, no matter how much they despised him, hallucination or not. That much he’s learned from that first time, that his own love does not need reciprocation. But he wants. Oh he wants it so much.
The hallucination is different this time. People he loves, die. The hand that has destroyed Famine, the mighty horseman, is now the hand of death. Everything he touches, dies. Dean dies in his arms. He tells himself it’s not real. It can’t be real. How many times has he told himself that? Hundred times? Two hundred times? How much time has passed? But it was real. Dean had died before, hundreds of times. What did he do to bring him back? How much time has passed since then? Has Dean really come back? Or is this just another cycle in the loop?
He calls out for Dean. If the real Dean’s alive, this dying Dean in his arms must be a hallucination, right? Right! He calls out till his throat is bleeding. Dean is dead. Nobody answers.
In the end he starts to doubt. How much time has passed? Dean wouldn’t have left him alone for this long. He’d have come for him. Dean always comes for him. Except, when he’d died. But he came back. Why doesn’t Dean come back this time? Eventually he became too weak to even think. He held on to Dean’s body. Something, anything to hold on to. His mind slips away as his fingers can’t hold on any longer. Time slips away. At that moment, he is very certain that he is dying.
But he can’t die. He doesn’t remember. There’s no clock in the room. He doesn’t remember whether it was light or dark when he died. Now he knows that he did die. He knows the feeling intimately. Somewhere, someone is talking to him. Soothing, enticing words, encouraging him to get up, promising him the world. Dean is shouting “No!” The other voice is whispering “yessss.”
He reaches for Dean, shying back at the last moment. He remembers now, he remembers Dean dying, his touch killed Dean. But Dean is hugging him tightly. And Dean’s still alive.
“Ar…” Sam tries, his throat doesn’t work. He pushes his lips to Dean’s ear and breathes, “Are you real?”
Dean is hugging him tighter now. Dean is nodding, saying, “Yes, Sammy.” Dean is saying “yes.”
Sam smiles. He feels death creeping into his body. He closes his eyes. He’s not afraid. He can’t die.
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Thank you so much for filling my prompt, and sorry it took me a while to get back here!
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Please do write some angst! It's fun!
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