Kirk Cameron Warmly Invites You to Get the Fuck Back in the Kitchen Where You Belong.
Child actor turned angry, closeted homosexual (ALLEGEDLY!) Kirk Cameron would like women to get their asses back into the kitchen where they belong. Cameron believes that working will not only have a traumatic effect on the womenfolk themselves, but on their offspring as well. While the lamestream media may ignore the facts, incidents of depression, drug abuse, and wearing skirts above the knee is 10,000x more likely among working mothers than real Christians*.
"If you are a mom, if you are a wife, if you're the keeper of your home, I want you to know that your joy is so important this Christmas," Cameron preaches. "Because Christmas is about joy (and the Baby Jesus breaking Mary's hymen so a fat man with a beard would buy me a new watch) and if the joy of the Lord is your strength, remember, the joy of the mom is her children's strength, so don't let anything steal your joy." ie, keep an eye out for white vans with blacked out windows. And Jews.
"If you let your joy get stolen, take Prozac it will sap your strength," he continued. "Let your children, your family, see your joy in the way that you decorate your home this Christmas, in the food that you cook (Kwanzaa cake), the songs you sing (Anaconda), the stories you tell (about that time you got double pennied by those two Jamaican guys at Burning Man), and the traditions that you keep (getting double pennied by two Jamaican guys at Burning Man). Invite your whole neighborhood into your vagina Christmas, and invite the world into our story of our king and his kingdom aka your asshole." After all, God can't see it if it's in the butt. Unless you're gay. Then you are going to burn in hell. :)
*This fact is entirely made up.
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I don't know about you gals, but I am so excited to give up my career, and live only to service a man and our children. It sounds SO fulfilling, and not at all soul-crushingly awful! God bless you, Mike Seaver. #SuckItGloriaSteinem