TV's Unsexiest Sex Scenes
Cersei and Jaime, Game of Thrones
Two good-looking people getting it on should be a visual treat for cable viewers, but not so when Queen Cersei cheats on her husband by doing the deed with her own twin brother Jaime Lannister. Sorry, but twincest trumps all when it comes to the icky taboos. You used to live in the same womb! We felt chills multiplying, and it had nothing to do with that infamous winter coming.
Pope Alexander IV and Anyone, The Borgias
Jeremy Irons reminds us why people wore bulky robes in the 15th century. As Rodrigo Borgia (aka Pope Alexander VI), he uses shrewd scheming and power to lure a bevy of beauties to his bed chamber. We've heard of sleeping your way to the top, but sleeping your way to heaven? Not so much.
Daisy and Abbud, Skins
Maybe the Parents Television Council was on to something. While we're sure the show accurately represented its teenage characters' desire to have (frequent) recreational sex, we can't say that watching it didn't make us feel more than a little bit icky.
Zig Samitur, Californication
Californication has been a mainstay on our unsexy lists, but the show sinks to a new low in Season 4 with Fisher Stevens' death by autoerotic asphyxiation. As film producer Zig Samitur, Stevens becomes, um, excited for the first time in months, thanks to the show his hired girls put on for his guests and excuses himself. Although Charlie fears telling Zig he killed his monkey, he's somewhat relieved to find him dead hanging from the bathroom door. As if the graphic reveal isn't enough, the show has no respect for the dead. "This is a prime example of why one must always use the buddy system," Charlie cracks.
Bill, Sookie and Eric, True Blood
True Blood never met a dream sequence it didn't love, but Sookie's imagined threesome with her two vampire suitors, Bill and Eric, was more like a nightmare. Sookie's breathless quibbling and the men's puppy-eyed declarations of admiration are the opposite of what makes the edgy show so watchable. Sure, it's played for laughs, but we fans take the choice of Miss Stackhouse's sexual partners to be serious business. So knock off the shenanigans, Alan Ball.
Susan and Paul Young, Desperate Housewives
After Susan's kidney transplant, her doctor forbids her from having sex for six weeks. During this dry spell, her hormones - and guilt - act up in an unusual way. After Paul Young donates his dead wife's kidney to Susan, she starts having really raunchy dreams about him, including this super-creepy shower scene. (Don't the producers know the rules for shower sex?)
amra and Eddie, The Real Housewives of Orange County
Free from her fuddy-duddy ex-husband, Tamra kicks off the Bravo reality show's last season by inviting new boyfriend Eddie into a steamy bubble bath. We could only think one thing: Aren't her kids going to see this? Even Eddie seemed to think twice, as he took the time to chug a glass of wine before taking the (almost porn-y) plunge.
Ramona and Mario, The Real Housewives of New York
Seriously, these people know there are cameras around, right? Ramona rents a hotel, dons her sexiest negligee, sprinkles rose petals on the bed, and, of course, slurps down a few glasses of pinot grigio while waiting for her husband Mario to arrive. As if her come-hither pose wasn't enough to send him running, she then oils Mario up for the most awkward (and from where we're sitting, painful) back and foot massage ever. Thank goodness there wasn't a happy ending.
Cathy and Lee, The Big C
When Cathy's friend Lee confesses that he always liked the look of women's breasts but never had a chance to touch them - since he’s gay - Cathy takes off her top and helps the terminal cancer patient cross that off his bucket list. It's meant to be an emotional expression of their friendship, but the fascinated/frightened look on his face is anything but tender... or hot.
Gannicus and Melitta, Spartacus: Gods of the Arena
Gladiator Gannicus literally kills it in the arena, but as a slave, he has less autonomy about where to stick his sword. During a party at the ludus, he's ordered to demonstrate his sexual prowess in front of party guests. Even more disturbing? His partner in exhibitionism is Melitta, his best friend's wife. You may be the Champion of Capua, but as a slave you must still do your master's bidding... or bedding as it may be.
Booth and Brennan, Bones
What's so offensive about finally seeing Bones' will-they-won't-they couple finally do the deed? Well, maybe it's that, after six seasons of waiting, we didn't see it at all! Sure, the characters' loving embrace was sweet and we're excited to see the two attempt parenthood together next season, but is it too much to ask to see Booth and Brennan get biz-ay when it's not a dream?
Don Draper and Allison, Mad Men
It was a sign of many more bad decisions to come. After having a few too many glasses of punch at the company Christmas party, Don heads home, only to realize he left his keys back at the office. His secretary Allison comes to the rescue, and Don thanks her for her dedication by inviting her to stay for a sloppy, drunken good time on his couch. (What was she thinking?) In the weeks that follow, Don pretends the whole thing never happened, ultimately driving Allison to quit. Then again, that cleared the way for Miss Blankenship to take over running Don's desk, so....
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