i feel for her, because it's awful enough to lose the person you think is the love of your life, let alone being stranded and losing community, your home, money, etc., on top of that. but...i don't think he did anything wrong? people change their minds, even at the worst possible time. people move for each other all the time only for it to not work out. if it's true that he consciously knew he wanted to break up with her and still had her do all of this, actively knowing he'd end it soon, that's really fucked up. but i feel like the more likely, mundane option, is simply that he might have been having doubts but pushed them away, was unsure, etc., and then finally did it when he was sure and ready. he might not even have trusted his doubts or confusion, idk. i don't really get why he's made out to be a villain simply for breaking up with someone, which is a thing people unfortunately have to do.
I could see him thinking his issues were "I am not happy in California" but in reality it was "I am not happy in this relationship" and thinking he could fix things if they moved to Texas. It still sucks for her.
Yeah but something about him going on that family vacation and then coming back and giving her a note tells me he’s probably at least discussed his doubts with his family before.
The note is very cowardly and makes me feel like he wasn’t communicating honestly. He should’ve told her if he had any doubts before the move. I said below too that they could’ve tried a trial separation with him moving first.
Although I’d add that there are levels to this depending on commitment and the realistic investment in the relationship… like if you’ve been married for years with a mutually built life you can’t really come home and hand someone a breakup note lol.
yeah, it's devastating when it happens, and the fear of that kind of heartbreak is for many people a legitimate reason not to date, because it's so painful when it does happen. but if you are in a relationship, the sad reality is that this is always possible. people have the right to end a relationship! outside of clumsiness, i don't think he did anything wrong here, he just exercised that right.
I don't think he's the "villain" especially bc I think she said that he's promised to reimburse her for the moving costs which tbh I do think is the right thing to do in this case. But also I think it's mainly because of how he broke up with her that this blew up. Like I'm sorry but coming home from a vacation and handing her a note? That does indeed seem like a horribly inept way to break up with someone.
edit: If I can explain it a little better, it's one of those actions that isn't evil or callous actually but at the same time it seems so devoid of understanding/human emotion that it become outrageous/funny. I actually think that's why this blew up in the way it did, it's not because he is evil, but because he seems inept in a way that is very hurtful (like you cringe hearing about it) from this telling.
it's definitely inept and odd, but i don't think it's sociopathic, as people are making it out to be! it's hard and scary to end a serious relationship and know you're going to hurt someone deeply, and people don't always rise to that occasion, i guess is my thinking about it.
People definitely throw around the term sociopathic way too much. I think the people who are like this is insane/evil are only thinking of how they would feel if someone did this to them, which fair enough. But I also know it's easy to be... for lack of a better term a little cowardly (maybe avoidant is a better term?) when it comes to things like this. Carelessness is not always callousness, sometimes things don't always have some villainous motive behind them.
(I think it's funny in a way because I can see someone trying to break up with someone via note because they're trying not to be the "bad guy" not realizing that the note actually makes things way worse lol. Again that's why the story/song resonated for me, maybe I shouldn't speak for others.)
Yeah that is def why I found it so cowardly! I get it’s hard to have that conversation but if he was having any doubts before the move he should’ve had a hard but candid discussion with her about it. They could’ve tried a separation with him moving first and seeing how they both feel.
Yup, it's just the fact that there were clearly better options, honestly I'm embarrassed for him in a way. I get that he's just exercising his right to end the relationship and all, no criticism there, it's the method that's being criticized/ridiculed.
I definitely agree about the hard discussion or trying a separation first. The funny thing is, Spritely has a video where she says pretty much exactly that. That she wishes she had told her boyfriend "no, you're not breaking up with me like this. We're going to have a discussion and at the end we might still break up, but it's not going to be via note." Which I feel like is a very reasonable thing to want in this situation, like, let both sides have some dignity.
Really? I don’t see that as hurtful as it sounds like he was in the room while she read it. It would be callous if he just left her a note and wasn’t there. Words are hard for some people. Confrontations and break ups are hard. He wrote down his feelings so that he could communicate it to her in a way that avoided some of the confusion and messiness of verbally saying it, where the other person can interrupt and all that.
Writing is a valid form of communication. And they probably talked after. Maybe that’s not how she wanted to hear it but it was the best way he could say it.
Like I said, the way he did it seemed (to me) careless, not callous and I do think that subtle different is important. I agree words and confrontations are hard. My issue with the note is that, to me, it's not meeting the other person on equal terms. I wouldn't have thought it strange at all that he wanted to write down his feelings to avoid confusion, that he then chose to hand her the note he wrote down instead of say like... at the very least reading it out to her is the issue for me. It feels more like cutting off the conversation than starting one. Writing is indeed a valid form of communication, I just think it was an insensitive form of communication in this case.
You're more optimistic from me for assuming they talked after! from her other posts she made it sound like she was too shocked (in part by the note) to have a conversation or talk to him after. But it's certainly possible they talked after.
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I could see him thinking his issues were "I am not happy in California" but in reality it was "I am not happy in this relationship" and thinking he could fix things if they moved to Texas. It still sucks for her.
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The note is very cowardly and makes me feel like he wasn’t communicating honestly. He should’ve told her if he had any doubts before the move. I said below too that they could’ve tried a trial separation with him moving first.
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edit: If I can explain it a little better, it's one of those actions that isn't evil or callous actually but at the same time it seems so devoid of understanding/human emotion that it become outrageous/funny. I actually think that's why this blew up in the way it did, it's not because he is evil, but because he seems inept in a way that is very hurtful (like you cringe hearing about it) from this telling.
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(I think it's funny in a way because I can see someone trying to break up with someone via note because they're trying not to be the "bad guy" not realizing that the note actually makes things way worse lol. Again that's why the story/song resonated for me, maybe I shouldn't speak for others.)
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I definitely agree about the hard discussion or trying a separation first. The funny thing is, Spritely has a video where she says pretty much exactly that. That she wishes she had told her boyfriend "no, you're not breaking up with me like this. We're going to have a discussion and at the end we might still break up, but it's not going to be via note." Which I feel like is a very reasonable thing to want in this situation, like, let both sides have some dignity.
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Writing is a valid form of communication. And they probably talked after. Maybe that’s not how she wanted to hear it but it was the best way he could say it.
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You're more optimistic from me for assuming they talked after! from her other posts she made it sound like she was too shocked (in part by the note) to have a conversation or talk to him after. But it's certainly possible they talked after.
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