Minka Kelly reveals details from her childhood

[silverstarry]

Minka Kelly Reveals Details From Her Traumatic Childhood in New Memoir: 'I Carried a Lot of Shame' (Exclusive) https://t.co/aUy7lPMoqJ
- People (@people) April 13, 2023
Minka Kelly's memoir Tell Me Everything is being released on May 2. She talks about how cathartic it was to write about the things she had felt embarrassed about, saying, "I started

Comments

[nomoneyfun]

Oooh chile. I really hope she's healed or healing, but to all the people with toxic parents, it's okay to NOT forgive and forget. The most important thing is to find a way to not let bitterness and anger eat away at you, but you have the right to feel those feelings. You do not have to find meaning in your parents' bullshit if that's not your journey. Some of our parents did NOT do the best they could and we don't have to walk around pretending they did for other people's comfort. Fuck that. May we all find friendship and family ties that truly sustain us beyond our family of origin.

[inandoutofgrace]

I think you’re right, but also I think that it’s ok to both forgive while acknowledging the damage they did. For me personally, if I hadn’t settled on *some* form of forgiveness (or at least peace) towards my mum post her passing, it would have hurt more than helped me.

[nomoneyfun]

Yeah, I know everyone's situation is different, but in a world where we act like forgiveness inherently has redemptive properties, it's okay if there are other pathways towards peace.

[inandoutofgrace]

Yeah, I hope Minka didn’t feel like it was owed or obligated because her mum was terminal

[silverstarry]

What I really wish people would learn is that you don't have to put up with shit from people just because they're related to you. Too many people keep letting their relatives, particularly their parents, treat them like garbage because of the societal expectation that you have to put up with that kind of behavior from blood relatives. Being related doesn't give you carte blanche to be an abusive and/or manipulative asshole.

Not everyone tried their best to be good parents. And even the ones who did don't necessarily deserve a pass just because they tried. I know this will sound harsh, but sometimes your best isn't good enough, especially when it negatively impacts a child who is in no position to know better or to be able to leave the situation.

It's okay to say this person really hurt me and I need to set boundaries, limit contact, or even cut them out completely. Just because your parents fucked and you popped out as a result doesn't give them the right to mistreat you for the rest of your lives.

I agree that you don't have to

[nomoneyfun]

I remember reading somewhere that people defend and uphold the institution of the family above people's experience in it, and your comment really hits on how toxic this normative belief can be and how it can hold people hostage in awful familial situations.

[silverstarry]

Yes, I think many people keep accepting their family's awful behavior because the societal expectation is to forgive them (with the weak ass excuse of "but they're your parents/siblings/family" which really disregards the fact that those people can still do irreparable damage). Whenever people find out that someone isn't in contact with a family member, 99% of the time the immediate response is "but they're your _____ so you should try to patch things up or you'll regret it." But if you told people about the same situation and replaced the family member with the word "spouse," people would applaud you for extricating yourself from the situation and cutting them out. It's truly mind boggling how conditioned we are to believe that family = good, despite all the evidence to the contrary.

I think the other problem is that our default setting is to believe that our experience is normal and that everyone else has had a similar experience, which is why people who have healthy normal loving families urge people who aren't in contact with

[blazingeternity]

Gonna save your comment because you worded it so well <3 especially the part on how people with a healthy family background more often than not simply can't fathom how other people treat their family members.

I'd also like to add that - at least in my experience - the "or you will regret it" urges are always directed at the one who walked away from a toxic senior relative. In your coworker's case, maybe the father himself regretted never having built a relationship with his daughter, but I would guess there weren't people telling him to reconcile before he regrets it. Especially when it comes to relationships with parents, it doesn't matter if you're an adult who simply stands up for themself & sets boundaries, somehow people will still see you as "a child acting up" who will eventually regret their defiance, instead of a victim protecting themself. And vice versa even the worst parents somehow deserve forgiveness for birthing you even though you never asked for it.

[umilicious]

our default setting is to believe that our experience is normal and that everyone else has had a similar experience

God, yes. I had a similar experience, albeit with divorce and not abuse. I had friends with divorced or absent parents when I was younger, but it wasn’t a thing we talked about. I didn’t understand the true impacts of an acrimonious divorce until I met my ex-husband, whose parents rarely spoke to each other. It helped me understand what my daughter was going through as a kid whose parents had split up.

One thing I’ve noticed over the past 20 years is that the American idea of normal has shifted quite a bit in regards to marriage. As my kid got older, I noticed that more of her friends and peers were coming from single parent or blended households, to the point where school forms were changing to accommodate that. I still think there’s this “romantic” ideal of sticking together no matter what, but it seems like people are more neutral now when it comes to the idea of divorce and unmarried parents.

[theylezharold]

I used to visit this really cathartic group (I think on reddit of all places) for children of abusive/narcissistic parents, and they would celebrate relief and allow all feelings at a parents' death, including celebration.

And you could call your "parents" anything - egg/ sperm donors, abusers, mommie dearest (Joan Crawford reference), etc. I love that freedom. I never felt safe around my actively still harmful, cruel, abusive "parents" (my bff and I call them "donors," which I love that he instigated bc it validates so much for me). Ngl, I think things will get a lot easier and better when they die.

I've never really thought that about anyone else in my life. It's okay to want the people who CSA'd you and continue to harm you to be gone forever and to want to use their money for trauma therapy.

[umilicious]

I’ve never liked the idea of forgiving and forgetting, tbh. I think it’s okay to forgive, but forgetting seems like a step too far and implies that the transgression wasn’t a big deal to begin with. I encourage forgiving without forgetting, or forgetting via cutting off people who don’t respect or value you. People aren’t owed your forgiveness - it’s earned, and you shouldn’t feel obligated to give them that if it’s undeserved.

[eva_hagberg]

Forgiveness has incredible redemptive qualities when granted as a result of asking for it. In the absence of perpetrator properly apologizing forgiveness becomes yet another sole burden of the survivor and deepens the chasm between the two. So yes, in my opinion you are absolutely correct, we are free to not forgive.