ONTD Original: A Subjective Ranking of Every Planet of the Apes Movie
After torturing myself by watching and ranking every Batman movie, I decided to do it again. This time, I chose the Planet of the Apes films because I only recently learned that there's more than one AND that the franchise was rebooted relatively recently with a new film in the series set to be released next year in 2024. I had never seen the original, so I decided to just dive in to the whole world and put my thoughts down on ONTD for you to read (or not read) while you're bored at work.
Let's get into it!
MOVIES (BEST TO WORST)
1. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014)
2. Planet of the Apes (1968)
3. War for the Planet of the Apes (2017)
4. Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011)
5. Escape from the Planet of the Apes (1971)
6. Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972)
7. Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973)
8. Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970)
9. Planet of the Apes (2001)
THE BREAKDOWN
I've broken down each film below, in chronological order of release, with explanations on what works for each film and what doesn't (the bad, the good, and occasionally the neutral). I've also given each film an "enjoyment rating" based on how enjoyable the experience of watching the film is overall (obviously in my opinion - ymmv), which aided in my ranking of these movies. I've put each breakdown under a cut to spare your browsers when commenting.
The Original Run:
[1968: Planet of the Apes - Dir. Franklin J. Schaffner]
Planet of the Apes (1968) - Dir. Franklin J. Schaffner
Plot: 4 astronauts from Earth are sent through space and time for the purposes of science. They crash-land on a strange planet and are taken hostage by a group of intelligent apes that rule the planet and oppress the human species. Everyone speaks English and it's never questioned.
BAD:
Acting: Charlton Heston is easily one of the worst actors of all time to have a movie-star-sized career. Just absolutely brutal. He's creepy, charmless, and delivers lines in such a strange and emotionally stilted way. And this is me shitting on him without taking his politics into account. Woof. Everyone else sucks too.
Misogyny: The only woman on the spaceship dies before it crash-lands and she never even gets a chance to speak lol. Welp. It's also revealed that the only reason she was brought along was for procreation. Heston's character speaks about women in a way that just ooooozes 1960s patriarchal sexist bullshit. We suffer through multiple shots of Charlton Heston creepily staring at hot women and his love interest is literally a woman who can't speak. The only Black character dies early on too, so it's a whole mess of 1960s bullshit.
GOOD:
Music: The score by Jerry Goldsmith absolutely slaps and is the best part of the film. It's sometimes bizarre, and at times jarring, but it always feels appropriate. A lot of the sounds and musical choices feel very modern and sleek. It helps to create a ton of tension and intrigue and adds some gravity to the overall situation (which is sometimes lacking due to the shit performances). It's a true highlight of the movie and this has immediately become one of my favourite film scores!
Can one of the indie pop girlies please sample this part at 4:05 and turn it into a banger? Thanks!
Cinematography & Set Design: This movie looks great. It's a true visual feast. It also has that unique 1960s aesthetic that feels weirdly both outdated and futuristic at the same time.
Makeup & Costume Design: The makeup is impressive and honestly still looks good!
Pacing & Run-Time: The movie clocks in at under 2 hours and it moves along at a steady pace. It helps to hold your attention without feeling like a slog. We don't get stuck in any one situation or setting for too long.
Plot: The plot is fantastic, fun, and still relevant!
Enjoyment Rating: 4/5 - Not everything works, but it still holds up as an enjoyable and interesting movie that looks great, sounds great, and does a solid idea justice. It's also kind of a riot that the humans are so unlikable in the movie, that when you get to the final scene of Heston punching the ground in anger, you're kind of like - "hehe yeah, suck it, stupid human!"
[1970: Beneath the Planet of the Apes - Dir. Tod Post]
Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970) - Dir. Tod Post
Plot: The movie picks up exactly where the first one left off - even replaying the ending scenes, which feels like an odd choice. But this movie focuses on ANOTHER spaceship that crashes to ape-ruled Earth, with an astronaut named Brent that looks exactly like Charlton Heston for some weird reason (without the neanderthal brow). This new astronaut and the mute love interest from the first movie set off to investigate a weird fire and lightning phenomenon that takes them underground.
BAD:
Acting: Still bad.
Visuals: Terrible. The cinematography in this one is far less compelling and the special effects are laughable. I've seen silent films do similar concepts better. Even the makeup and costume design somehow feels worse. Everything looks cheap!
Plot: The plot makes no sense. This movie feels frivolous. It's hard to care about anyone or anything. And although the stakes are technically higher, you don't feel any real weight to the situation the characters find themselves navigating.
Impact: The moralistic intentions feel much more on the nose and waaaay more preachy. The first one delivered a pretty powerful message without feeling like it was lecturing the audience. This one fails at both delivering meaning and not being condescending towards the viewer.
NEUTRAL:
Run-Time: It's only 95 minutes, but it feels longer. Ugh.
Enjoyment Rating: 0/5 - there's really no reason to ever watch this. It's not even bad in a fun way. It's just bad in a boring, 'why does this exist?' kind of way. It's actually so bad that it made me angry. It's literally one of the dumbest fucking movies I've ever seen in my life. It also sort of undoes the world-building and meaning of the first film in a way that just gets more and more annoying as the film progresses.
Apparently Rod Serling was consulted to write the sequel and Fox passed. The original author was also consulted and Fox also passed. Anyway, Fox shit the bed and we got this. I understand why sequels of big-budget, popular films get made despite not really needing one (capitalism); but this one is so bad, it's kind of shocking it even exists. It's the kind of stinker that makes you think, "surely they won't make another after this bomb" and yet...
Bonus Reading: for the 1 ONTDer actually reading this, Den of Geek wrote a super interesting story on the history of this floptacular sequel.
[1971: Escape from the Planet of the Apes - Dir. Tod Post]
Escape from the Planet of the Apes (1971) - Dir. Tod Post
Plot: Whew boy. Okay. So in the previous film, Earth is destroyed by an atomic bomb because the movie was made in the 1960's so of course an atomic bomb was involved. The only 2 likeable characters in the film series - the apes Cornelius and Zira - along with some rando named Dr. Milo crash-land on present-day Earth. We are told that they salvaged and repaired Taylor's ship from the first film - despite the fact that the apes lived a relatively technologically simplistic life and believed that flight (not even space travel, literally just flight) was a scientific impossibility. They also must have got this done super fucking fast because the time period between where the last film starts off and the world blowing up can't be more than a couple of days at most. The whole thing is bananas.
BAD:
Plot: I fucking hate the plot of this. I can't stand when a television show or movie set somewhere else/in some other time pulls this nonsense - of bringing it all back to reality/present-day Earth. Farscape had a few episodes like this and they sucked so much ass. But that's my own bullshit and I realize not everyone will relate so do with this info what you will.
GOOD:
Music: Good news, everyone! Jerry Goldsmith is BACK! And it's fucking NOTICEABLE! While he dipped for the flop sequel (for which the score is boring nothingness), he made a triumphant return for the silly 1970s third instalment in the series. The score is totally different to what he did for the original Planet of the Apes. It's less 60s experimental and more 70s spy thriller. It's great!
Run-Time: Again, a reasonable run-time. 95 minutes.
Acting: The acting is way better here. Ricardo Montalbán's got a part in this one lol.
Humour: The first 2 films were so serious. It's a bit incomprehensible why the writers decided to basically make this one a comedy. It doesn't really gel with the other 2 movies tonally but...it works for what it is. I legitimately laughed out loud during some moments. It's so over-the-top and ridiculous - the word zany comes to mind. This movie is SO WEIRD! But it's also fun.
Enjoyment Rating: 3/5 - You know what? It's camp. This is for an evening of wine and nachos with a good friend who enjoys weird/bad movies. But the ending is FUCKED so maybe not lol.
[1972: Conquest of the Planet of the Apes - Dir. J. Lee Thompson]
Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972) - Dir. J. Lee Thompson
Plot: Can you fucking believe they made so many of these? Me neither! Anyway, this one's about a space-born pandemic brought to Earth by astronauts which killed all our pets in the 1980s and results in the rise of fascism and ape-slavery. Yes. That's the plot. That's how the Planet of the Apes came to be! Vaccinate your fucking pets, people!!!!!
BAD:
Visuals: The film takes place in 1991 but you don't really get any fun or interesting insight into what people in the '70s thought the '90s would look like. It's '90s Nazi America so it's a lot of black turtle necks and basically still '60s era tech design. There's not a lot going on scenery wise and this film might be a precursor to today's bullshit because it's actually really fucking dark and some scenes are hard to see. The direction also sucks - lots of shaky camera work and weird angles.
Pacing: The film starts off relatively strong. The world-building happens quickly and we start moving along at a pretty rapid pace. Things kind of take a turn somewhere around the middle and the film starts to become a bit of a chore to get through.
GOOD:
Acting: Ricardo Montalbán is back, only just as briefly as in the previous film, and everyone else delivers pretty solid performances as well.
Plot: This is the darkest movie in the series so far - literally and figuratively. It's fucking BLEAK. But it feels like a return to form and tone in relation to the original. The themes are as serious as the first but without feeling too preachy about the subject matter. It touches on America's history of slavery and its enduring effects (although not in any great detail). It also has major ACAB energy. The ending speech/confrontation between Caesar and MacDonald is intense and engaging - it's the highlight of the movie without a doubt.
Enjoyment Rating: 2.5/5 - the film isn't that bad, but it does meander at times. There was a moment where I snapped out of the suspended disbelief and became very conscious of the fact that I was watching a film about an ape slavery uprising. I do think it's worth a watch though, but it's not a film I would ever feel compelled to re-watch.
Bonus Fun Fact: The actor that plays Cornelius returned to play his son, Caesar. The actor's name is Roddy McDowall and was also the child star of the 1943 version of Lassie Come Home (the boy, not the dog). His last role was as a voice actor, playing Mr. Soil in A Bug's Life.
[1973: Battle for the Planet of the Apes - Dir. J. Lee Thompson]
Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973) - Dir. J. Lee Thompson
Plot: This is the fifth and final film in the original 60s-70s series. They really released 5 of these in 5 years (5 years, 4 months, and 6 days to be exact). And you thought Marvel was bad! Anyway, there's a time jump here after the ape uprising and now humans and apes are trying to cohabitate peacefully after nuclear destruction. And ohhh boy, I bet you can imagine how well that goes!
BAD:
Battle Scenes: The battle scene promised by the title sucks. It's pretty boring and cheap looking and moves along slowly. They clearly had pennies for a budget.
NEUTRAL:
Pacing: This one tends to drag a bit, but the ending sort of sucks you back in. These films all have really poignant and intense ending scenes (except the very last scene in this one, which is ridiculous lol).
GOOD:
Run-Time: 93 minutes, everyone! They were getting this particular something right in the '70s, that's for damn sure!
Plot & Timelines: Say what you will about the quality of these films, but at the very least there's a beginning, middle, and end and the whole thing comes full circle. All the movies make reference to information learned in the others. There's consistency here and it's wholly satisfying.
Enjoyment Rating: 2/5 - this movie actually does feel like a necessary part of the series, unlike Beneath the Planet of the Apes. It adds important backstory and fills out the lore while also seeming to suggest that the events that took place have altered the trajectory of the future (for the better) based on what we know about the original worldview presented in the first films. I won't ever watch it again, but it certainly added valuable knowledge to this universe.
2001: An Ape Odyssey:
[2001: Planet of the Apes - Dir. Tim Burton]
Planet of the Apes (2001) - Dir. Tim Burton
Plot: Tim Burton remade Planet of the Apes in 2001 with Mark Wahlberg, Helena Bonham Carter (because of course), Paul Giamatti, Tim Roth, and Michael Clarke Duncan. Yeah. It's the first movie just re-done in 2001 with Wahlberg playing Charlton Heston's role.
BAD:
Opening Scenes: I hate the choices made at the beginning of this film. The whole story starts off in such a stupid way which ripples throughought the rest of the film. This ultimately impacts the ending, which is SO BAD that I legit gasped. I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
The Milleniumness of it all: This movie is PAINFULLY 2001. As a millennial, I have a lot of nostalgia for a lot of things about this time period - including some of the design and aesthetic choices. However, this film is basically the worst of it as it's so glaringly 2001 in every way imaginable. It's ugly, it's tacky, and I hate it. It looks like the set of a Backstreet Boys music video.
Weird Tech Choices: SOMEHOW the tech used in the films from the '60s and '70s feels less ridiculous and outdated. At one point, Wahlberg's character gets a "postcard" and it's literally just a video from his friends. It's preceded by the most 2001 font type you could imagine. Ohhhh ~futuristic tech~ postcards are videos now! The tech actually gets so annoying because at one point they send a monkey into space because apparently it's easier to train monkeys to operate spacecrafts in this world than to just automate the fucking ship and control it from a command centre.
Dialogue: "Never send a monkey to do a man's job," Wahlberg says.
Makeup & Costume Design: It's distracting. The males look okay, but the females look so fucking weird.
Goofiness: There's an inherent goofiness to the whole thing. The opening hunt scene has people flying through the air after getting hit. We're in superhero level territory here instead of just humans and apes. This scene should be terrifying as Wahlberg's character is literally being hunted for sport and it just doesn't land at all.
Acting: It's bad, guys. Hammy and flat at the same time. It's hot ham water.
Misogyny: You know what? The misogyny is still there. It's just that more subtle, 2001 era misogyny but it's there. The males look like apes and the females look like sexy woman-ape hybrids with thin eyebrows, eyeliner, and hairdos.
Story & Character Choices: The humans can fucking talk in this one. The characters are shallow and one dimensional with poorly constructed backstories and motivations. The world-building sucks and not a single character is interesting or likeable. Helena Bonham Carter's character (an ape) also seems very horny for Mark Wahlberg's character (a human) and it's unsettling. I also couldn't tell you what the theme of this movie is. After all the social commentary of the original run movies, this one says absolutely fuck all.
NEUTRAL:
Run-Time: Well, we aren't in the '70s anymore so this one clocks in longer at 2 hours. It's not into egregiously long territory or anything, but it still feels like they could have trimmed this down.
GOOD:
Music: Danny Elfman does the score (because of course). It definitely has Elfman's signature sound - the vibe is Nightmare of the Planet of the Apes Before Christmas - but it's cool. It has a heaviness/weightiness to it that works really well for the movie. I won't be bopping to it like Jerry Goldsmith's scores though.
Enjoyment Rating: 0/5 - I don't know who the fuck let this movie happen, but then I think back to 2001 and of course this movie got made. A real waste of fucking time for everyone involved - but mostly for me. I'm ranking this behind Beneath the Planet of the Apes because that one was at least bizarre and original lol. I had to take a break after this one because it was so bad. Just forget this bitch even exists.
The Modern Reboot:
[2011: Rise of the Planet of the Apes - Dir. Rupert Wyatt]
Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011) - Dir. Rupert Wyatt
Plot: So this is the start of the modern reboot of the franchise. We're just going to ignore everything Tim Burton attempted to do and move on. The film stars Andy Serkis, James Franco, Freida Pinto, John Lithgow, Brian Cox, Tom Felton, and David Oyelowo. We start back at the very beginning with a new origin story - pharmaceutical experimentation on apes results in the birth of a highly intelligent chimp named Caesar (played by Serkis). This is basically the re-imagining of 1972's Conquest of the Planet of the Apes but without all the racial commentary and fascism.
BAD:
James Franco: James Franco's in it.
NEUTRAL:
CGI: The CGI isn't the best, but it's not horrifically bad or anything either and is pretty good for 2011. You sort of lull into it and stop noticing it. There are some moments where it looks REALLY good.
Action: Again, we're in superhero territory. These chimps are flying through the fucking air and smashing through glass like they're indestructible. However, there is a battle on the Golden Gate Bridge that slaps. It really makes you go, "Yeah! Fuck these humans!"
GOOD:
Run-Time: 105 minutes. Perfectly reasonable.
Acting: With the exception of Franco, the acting is pretty top notch! David Oyelowo is a stand out. I'm also kind of obsessed with Logan Roy and Draco Malfoy being villains in this one. A+ casting lol.
Characters: The characters are given some decent backstory/motivations. The humans are a lot more interesting this time around.
Plot: There's a lot about the plot that I like. They flip the hunt scene from the previous films (the original and Burton's remake) and turn it back to humans hunting chimps. The film has weighty themes like the original run movies - this one focusing on lab animals/animal experimentation. Although that's not a new topic in the franchise, this one really has it at the centre of the film. I also like that this remake is still referencing aspects of the previous films and giving Caesar a new back story. An experimental Alzheimer's drug delivered into the system by a virus being the reason for the ape's intelligence (but the cause of a pandemic that kills humans) is a much more realistic backstory for how the apes take over the Earth (as opposed to humans immediately turning into fascist psychos because our dogs and cats died). Some of the choices are a bit nonsensical so not everything works, but it does feel like a solid foundation to reboot the franchise.
Enjoyment Rating: 3.5/5 - This is honestly a really good reboot and if you haven't seen it yet, then it's probably better than you think it is. Franco being the lead is unfortunate because he drags this film down significantly.
[2014: Dawn of the Planet of the Apes - Dir. Matt Reeves]
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014) - Dir. Matt Reeves
This gif is shit quality - the movie looks 100x better than this.
Plot: Dawn of the Planet of the Apes comes to us from the man that gave us emo Batman and you know what? This one's a little emo too! But it's an appropriate amount of emo. This one expands on the story from the previous film and picks up after a short time-jump - where humanity has been ravaged by a pandemic stemming from James Franco's experimental Alzheimer's drug (thanks, James!). It's basically a new retelling of Battle for the Planet of the Apes as there's an internal struggle for power amongst the apes and a war between the leftover humans and the apes.
NEUTRAL:
Pacing & Run-Time: It's 2 hours on the dot. It's not bad. But it does feel like 2 hours, you know? They could have trimmed some of the fat off this - especially a lot of the human bullshit. In the "Apes" franchise, the humans are the bad guys - the less we see of them the better. We're just the worst ugh.
GOOD:
Visuals: This one looks pretty fucking fantastic! While we're in dark and gritty reboot territory here, it's not actually too dark that you can't see it (so why the fuck is The Batman such a black hole?). The film does have that grey/blue filter over it, but it actually works for this movie and looks really good. It's one of the first times I haven't been annoyed by how blue a film looks. There's also still a lot of colour in this movie - it's surprisingly rich and colourful, the colours are just muted a bit by the grey-blue of it all, but not in a bad way. The CGI has been refined and looks really good (the orangutans honestly blow me away with how real they look). Ape City looks cool as hell but not too advanced that it's unbelievable. They've made real progress and are getting organized, but you can see how things are still developing. Seriously - this movie is eye-poppingly stunning! The apes also continue to sign, which I think is a really great choice instead of having them go immediately from not being able to talk, to vocalizing all their speech. The whole thing is jut really impressive and well done.
Acting: James Franco is gone! The acting is the best out of all the Planet of the Apes films! We've got Gary Oldman, Keri Russell, Kodi Smit-McPhee, and Kirk Acevedo (shout out to my fellow Fringe fans!) on for the humans. Andy Serkis returns as Caesar with Judy Greer, Toby Kebbell, and Karin Konoval on for some of the key apes. I guess the human lead is technically Jason Clarke (Aussie ONTDers, who the fuck is this man?) who is apparently in Oppenheimer for all you losers on this site that think that movie will be worth watching over Barbie. But, I digress...
Characters: We've got a real Mufasa/Scar situation in this one between the apes Caesar and Koba and it is TENSE. Koba makes for an excellent villain because you can 100% understand his anger and motivations and he's also sort of an evil badass. He's a fucking menace but he's a hardcore and capable menace. All the characters have really fleshed out backstories and motivations. Even the humans have understandable motivations and emotions.
Plot: The plot is rock solid. Not only does it tackle human encroachment into animal homeland, but it's also a big ol' "humans-can't-fucking-adapt-to-their-environment-without-destroying-it" story. We are such flops. I fucking hate us. All hail Caesar! Long live our ape overlords! Wait...what was I saying? Oh yeah...
Enjoyment Rating: 5/5 - This film fucking rules! It gave me chills lmao! I was a Matt Reeves hater because I thought The Batman was a corny mess, but he's clearly a very capable director because this movie is the best in the entire "Apes" franchise. It draws you in right from the very beginning and never lets you go. It looks great, sounds great, and just is great!
[2017: War for the Planet of the Apes - Dir. Matt Reeves]
War for the Planet of the Apes (2017) - Dir. Matt Reeves
Plot: We are now 15 years post-pandemic. It's explained to us that after the events of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, where war between humans and apes has erupted
- the remnants of the US military is now waging all out war in an attempt to exterminate the apes. This war has been going on for the last 2 years. An aging Caesar is still commanding the apes as he struggles to protect his home and his tribe.
BAD:
Run-Time: Here we go. Now Matt Reeves is starting up with his bullshit. 140 minutes. There's quite a bit here that could have been cut.
GOOD:
Visuals: IT'S FUCKING STUNNING!!!! AHHH!!
Acting: AHHHHHHH!!!
Plot: The plot here is a pretty natural continuation from the previous film. It's heavy, intense, and dark though. It's a lot - by far the darkest and heaviest out of all the "Apes" movies by a pretty wide margin. I would argue that it might even be too dark. But it is cohesive and makes sense within this new rebooted world. It's heavy on the nationalism is fascism, anti-militaristic narrative (Matt Reeves set an American flag on fire ...do I stan Matt Reeves now??). They also pull a lot of references from previous films here and expertly reinterpret them in a new way.
Enjoyment Rating: 4/5 - This film looks so incredible and is overall another really solid addition to the series. It's a bit heavy for me (it made me cry TWICE lmao), so I don't think I'll be watching it again because I don't like when movies remind me that I have emotions. I think a shorter run-time could have tightened things up and pushed this movie into a 5 territory. While this one is a visual delight in its own right (with marvellous CGI), I'm ranking it behind the original Planet of the Apes because I still think the impact of the original is pretty colossal and with it being lighter in tone, it has a re-watchability factor that really cements it as an enduring classic.
TL;DR & Final Thoughts
[TL;DR & Final Thoughts]
TL;DR & FINAL THOUGHTS
If you've never seen a Planet of the Apes film, but are looking to dive into the franchise (and you aren't a completist), then I would still strongly suggest starting with the original 1968 movie. From there you can easily jump all the way up to 2011 and begin again with the modern-day reboot.
If you have no time but want to just watch the movies worth watching - then the 1968 original and 2014's Dawn of the Planet of the Apes are the best bang for your buck. You can easily get by without all the other backstory.
I was legitimately surprised there were so fucking many of these films. This is one of the few Hollywood film franchises that I think has the ability to tackle really serious issues like animal rights, climate change, equality, and the destructive nature of human beings without it feeling shoe-horned in, out of place, or too preachy. It's also one of the rare cases where the reboot has not only done the original justice, but it's actually improved on the films in many ways and has expertly rebooted the story for a modern era. I've become a legitimate fan of the franchise through this journey and I'm actually really excited for the next movie to come out now.
ONTD'S FAVOURITE PLANET OF THE APES FILM
Poll The Best Planet of the Apes Film
[Thank You For Your Time]
Stop the Planet of the Apes. I Want to Get Off!
Sources: Gif 1 || Gif 2 || YouTube Score || Gif 3 || Den of Geek Story || Gif 4 || Gif 5 || Gif 6 || Gif 7 || Gif 8 || Gif 9 || Gif 10 || YouTube
Let's get into it!
MOVIES (BEST TO WORST)
1. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014)
2. Planet of the Apes (1968)
3. War for the Planet of the Apes (2017)
4. Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011)
5. Escape from the Planet of the Apes (1971)
6. Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972)
7. Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973)
8. Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970)
9. Planet of the Apes (2001)
THE BREAKDOWN
I've broken down each film below, in chronological order of release, with explanations on what works for each film and what doesn't (the bad, the good, and occasionally the neutral). I've also given each film an "enjoyment rating" based on how enjoyable the experience of watching the film is overall (obviously in my opinion - ymmv), which aided in my ranking of these movies. I've put each breakdown under a cut to spare your browsers when commenting.
The Original Run:
[1968: Planet of the Apes - Dir. Franklin J. Schaffner]
Planet of the Apes (1968) - Dir. Franklin J. Schaffner
Plot: 4 astronauts from Earth are sent through space and time for the purposes of science. They crash-land on a strange planet and are taken hostage by a group of intelligent apes that rule the planet and oppress the human species. Everyone speaks English and it's never questioned.
BAD:
Acting: Charlton Heston is easily one of the worst actors of all time to have a movie-star-sized career. Just absolutely brutal. He's creepy, charmless, and delivers lines in such a strange and emotionally stilted way. And this is me shitting on him without taking his politics into account. Woof. Everyone else sucks too.
Misogyny: The only woman on the spaceship dies before it crash-lands and she never even gets a chance to speak lol. Welp. It's also revealed that the only reason she was brought along was for procreation. Heston's character speaks about women in a way that just ooooozes 1960s patriarchal sexist bullshit. We suffer through multiple shots of Charlton Heston creepily staring at hot women and his love interest is literally a woman who can't speak. The only Black character dies early on too, so it's a whole mess of 1960s bullshit.
GOOD:
Music: The score by Jerry Goldsmith absolutely slaps and is the best part of the film. It's sometimes bizarre, and at times jarring, but it always feels appropriate. A lot of the sounds and musical choices feel very modern and sleek. It helps to create a ton of tension and intrigue and adds some gravity to the overall situation (which is sometimes lacking due to the shit performances). It's a true highlight of the movie and this has immediately become one of my favourite film scores!
Can one of the indie pop girlies please sample this part at 4:05 and turn it into a banger? Thanks!
Click to viewCinematography & Set Design: This movie looks great. It's a true visual feast. It also has that unique 1960s aesthetic that feels weirdly both outdated and futuristic at the same time.
Makeup & Costume Design: The makeup is impressive and honestly still looks good!
Pacing & Run-Time: The movie clocks in at under 2 hours and it moves along at a steady pace. It helps to hold your attention without feeling like a slog. We don't get stuck in any one situation or setting for too long.
Plot: The plot is fantastic, fun, and still relevant!
Enjoyment Rating: 4/5 - Not everything works, but it still holds up as an enjoyable and interesting movie that looks great, sounds great, and does a solid idea justice. It's also kind of a riot that the humans are so unlikable in the movie, that when you get to the final scene of Heston punching the ground in anger, you're kind of like - "hehe yeah, suck it, stupid human!"
[1970: Beneath the Planet of the Apes - Dir. Tod Post]
Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970) - Dir. Tod Post
Plot: The movie picks up exactly where the first one left off - even replaying the ending scenes, which feels like an odd choice. But this movie focuses on ANOTHER spaceship that crashes to ape-ruled Earth, with an astronaut named Brent that looks exactly like Charlton Heston for some weird reason (without the neanderthal brow). This new astronaut and the mute love interest from the first movie set off to investigate a weird fire and lightning phenomenon that takes them underground.
BAD:
Acting: Still bad.
Visuals: Terrible. The cinematography in this one is far less compelling and the special effects are laughable. I've seen silent films do similar concepts better. Even the makeup and costume design somehow feels worse. Everything looks cheap!
Plot: The plot makes no sense. This movie feels frivolous. It's hard to care about anyone or anything. And although the stakes are technically higher, you don't feel any real weight to the situation the characters find themselves navigating.
Impact: The moralistic intentions feel much more on the nose and waaaay more preachy. The first one delivered a pretty powerful message without feeling like it was lecturing the audience. This one fails at both delivering meaning and not being condescending towards the viewer.
NEUTRAL:
Run-Time: It's only 95 minutes, but it feels longer. Ugh.
Enjoyment Rating: 0/5 - there's really no reason to ever watch this. It's not even bad in a fun way. It's just bad in a boring, 'why does this exist?' kind of way. It's actually so bad that it made me angry. It's literally one of the dumbest fucking movies I've ever seen in my life. It also sort of undoes the world-building and meaning of the first film in a way that just gets more and more annoying as the film progresses.
Apparently Rod Serling was consulted to write the sequel and Fox passed. The original author was also consulted and Fox also passed. Anyway, Fox shit the bed and we got this. I understand why sequels of big-budget, popular films get made despite not really needing one (capitalism); but this one is so bad, it's kind of shocking it even exists. It's the kind of stinker that makes you think, "surely they won't make another after this bomb" and yet...
Bonus Reading: for the 1 ONTDer actually reading this, Den of Geek wrote a super interesting story on the history of this floptacular sequel.
[1971: Escape from the Planet of the Apes - Dir. Tod Post]
Escape from the Planet of the Apes (1971) - Dir. Tod Post
Plot: Whew boy. Okay. So in the previous film, Earth is destroyed by an atomic bomb because the movie was made in the 1960's so of course an atomic bomb was involved. The only 2 likeable characters in the film series - the apes Cornelius and Zira - along with some rando named Dr. Milo crash-land on present-day Earth. We are told that they salvaged and repaired Taylor's ship from the first film - despite the fact that the apes lived a relatively technologically simplistic life and believed that flight (not even space travel, literally just flight) was a scientific impossibility. They also must have got this done super fucking fast because the time period between where the last film starts off and the world blowing up can't be more than a couple of days at most. The whole thing is bananas.
BAD:
Plot: I fucking hate the plot of this. I can't stand when a television show or movie set somewhere else/in some other time pulls this nonsense - of bringing it all back to reality/present-day Earth. Farscape had a few episodes like this and they sucked so much ass. But that's my own bullshit and I realize not everyone will relate so do with this info what you will.
GOOD:
Music: Good news, everyone! Jerry Goldsmith is BACK! And it's fucking NOTICEABLE! While he dipped for the flop sequel (for which the score is boring nothingness), he made a triumphant return for the silly 1970s third instalment in the series. The score is totally different to what he did for the original Planet of the Apes. It's less 60s experimental and more 70s spy thriller. It's great!
Run-Time: Again, a reasonable run-time. 95 minutes.
Acting: The acting is way better here. Ricardo Montalbán's got a part in this one lol.
Humour: The first 2 films were so serious. It's a bit incomprehensible why the writers decided to basically make this one a comedy. It doesn't really gel with the other 2 movies tonally but...it works for what it is. I legitimately laughed out loud during some moments. It's so over-the-top and ridiculous - the word zany comes to mind. This movie is SO WEIRD! But it's also fun.
Enjoyment Rating: 3/5 - You know what? It's camp. This is for an evening of wine and nachos with a good friend who enjoys weird/bad movies. But the ending is FUCKED so maybe not lol.
[1972: Conquest of the Planet of the Apes - Dir. J. Lee Thompson]
Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972) - Dir. J. Lee Thompson
Plot: Can you fucking believe they made so many of these? Me neither! Anyway, this one's about a space-born pandemic brought to Earth by astronauts which killed all our pets in the 1980s and results in the rise of fascism and ape-slavery. Yes. That's the plot. That's how the Planet of the Apes came to be! Vaccinate your fucking pets, people!!!!!
BAD:
Visuals: The film takes place in 1991 but you don't really get any fun or interesting insight into what people in the '70s thought the '90s would look like. It's '90s Nazi America so it's a lot of black turtle necks and basically still '60s era tech design. There's not a lot going on scenery wise and this film might be a precursor to today's bullshit because it's actually really fucking dark and some scenes are hard to see. The direction also sucks - lots of shaky camera work and weird angles.
Pacing: The film starts off relatively strong. The world-building happens quickly and we start moving along at a pretty rapid pace. Things kind of take a turn somewhere around the middle and the film starts to become a bit of a chore to get through.
GOOD:
Acting: Ricardo Montalbán is back, only just as briefly as in the previous film, and everyone else delivers pretty solid performances as well.
Plot: This is the darkest movie in the series so far - literally and figuratively. It's fucking BLEAK. But it feels like a return to form and tone in relation to the original. The themes are as serious as the first but without feeling too preachy about the subject matter. It touches on America's history of slavery and its enduring effects (although not in any great detail). It also has major ACAB energy. The ending speech/confrontation between Caesar and MacDonald is intense and engaging - it's the highlight of the movie without a doubt.
Enjoyment Rating: 2.5/5 - the film isn't that bad, but it does meander at times. There was a moment where I snapped out of the suspended disbelief and became very conscious of the fact that I was watching a film about an ape slavery uprising. I do think it's worth a watch though, but it's not a film I would ever feel compelled to re-watch.
Bonus Fun Fact: The actor that plays Cornelius returned to play his son, Caesar. The actor's name is Roddy McDowall and was also the child star of the 1943 version of Lassie Come Home (the boy, not the dog). His last role was as a voice actor, playing Mr. Soil in A Bug's Life.
[1973: Battle for the Planet of the Apes - Dir. J. Lee Thompson]
Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973) - Dir. J. Lee Thompson
Plot: This is the fifth and final film in the original 60s-70s series. They really released 5 of these in 5 years (5 years, 4 months, and 6 days to be exact). And you thought Marvel was bad! Anyway, there's a time jump here after the ape uprising and now humans and apes are trying to cohabitate peacefully after nuclear destruction. And ohhh boy, I bet you can imagine how well that goes!
BAD:
Battle Scenes: The battle scene promised by the title sucks. It's pretty boring and cheap looking and moves along slowly. They clearly had pennies for a budget.
NEUTRAL:
Pacing: This one tends to drag a bit, but the ending sort of sucks you back in. These films all have really poignant and intense ending scenes (except the very last scene in this one, which is ridiculous lol).
GOOD:
Run-Time: 93 minutes, everyone! They were getting this particular something right in the '70s, that's for damn sure!
Plot & Timelines: Say what you will about the quality of these films, but at the very least there's a beginning, middle, and end and the whole thing comes full circle. All the movies make reference to information learned in the others. There's consistency here and it's wholly satisfying.
Enjoyment Rating: 2/5 - this movie actually does feel like a necessary part of the series, unlike Beneath the Planet of the Apes. It adds important backstory and fills out the lore while also seeming to suggest that the events that took place have altered the trajectory of the future (for the better) based on what we know about the original worldview presented in the first films. I won't ever watch it again, but it certainly added valuable knowledge to this universe.
2001: An Ape Odyssey:
[2001: Planet of the Apes - Dir. Tim Burton]
Planet of the Apes (2001) - Dir. Tim Burton
Plot: Tim Burton remade Planet of the Apes in 2001 with Mark Wahlberg, Helena Bonham Carter (because of course), Paul Giamatti, Tim Roth, and Michael Clarke Duncan. Yeah. It's the first movie just re-done in 2001 with Wahlberg playing Charlton Heston's role.
BAD:
Opening Scenes: I hate the choices made at the beginning of this film. The whole story starts off in such a stupid way which ripples throughought the rest of the film. This ultimately impacts the ending, which is SO BAD that I legit gasped. I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
The Milleniumness of it all: This movie is PAINFULLY 2001. As a millennial, I have a lot of nostalgia for a lot of things about this time period - including some of the design and aesthetic choices. However, this film is basically the worst of it as it's so glaringly 2001 in every way imaginable. It's ugly, it's tacky, and I hate it. It looks like the set of a Backstreet Boys music video.
Weird Tech Choices: SOMEHOW the tech used in the films from the '60s and '70s feels less ridiculous and outdated. At one point, Wahlberg's character gets a "postcard" and it's literally just a video from his friends. It's preceded by the most 2001 font type you could imagine. Ohhhh ~futuristic tech~ postcards are videos now! The tech actually gets so annoying because at one point they send a monkey into space because apparently it's easier to train monkeys to operate spacecrafts in this world than to just automate the fucking ship and control it from a command centre.
Dialogue: "Never send a monkey to do a man's job," Wahlberg says.
Makeup & Costume Design: It's distracting. The males look okay, but the females look so fucking weird.
Goofiness: There's an inherent goofiness to the whole thing. The opening hunt scene has people flying through the air after getting hit. We're in superhero level territory here instead of just humans and apes. This scene should be terrifying as Wahlberg's character is literally being hunted for sport and it just doesn't land at all.
Acting: It's bad, guys. Hammy and flat at the same time. It's hot ham water.
Misogyny: You know what? The misogyny is still there. It's just that more subtle, 2001 era misogyny but it's there. The males look like apes and the females look like sexy woman-ape hybrids with thin eyebrows, eyeliner, and hairdos.
Story & Character Choices: The humans can fucking talk in this one. The characters are shallow and one dimensional with poorly constructed backstories and motivations. The world-building sucks and not a single character is interesting or likeable. Helena Bonham Carter's character (an ape) also seems very horny for Mark Wahlberg's character (a human) and it's unsettling. I also couldn't tell you what the theme of this movie is. After all the social commentary of the original run movies, this one says absolutely fuck all.
NEUTRAL:
Run-Time: Well, we aren't in the '70s anymore so this one clocks in longer at 2 hours. It's not into egregiously long territory or anything, but it still feels like they could have trimmed this down.
GOOD:
Music: Danny Elfman does the score (because of course). It definitely has Elfman's signature sound - the vibe is Nightmare of the Planet of the Apes Before Christmas - but it's cool. It has a heaviness/weightiness to it that works really well for the movie. I won't be bopping to it like Jerry Goldsmith's scores though.
Enjoyment Rating: 0/5 - I don't know who the fuck let this movie happen, but then I think back to 2001 and of course this movie got made. A real waste of fucking time for everyone involved - but mostly for me. I'm ranking this behind Beneath the Planet of the Apes because that one was at least bizarre and original lol. I had to take a break after this one because it was so bad. Just forget this bitch even exists.
The Modern Reboot:
[2011: Rise of the Planet of the Apes - Dir. Rupert Wyatt]
Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011) - Dir. Rupert Wyatt
Plot: So this is the start of the modern reboot of the franchise. We're just going to ignore everything Tim Burton attempted to do and move on. The film stars Andy Serkis, James Franco, Freida Pinto, John Lithgow, Brian Cox, Tom Felton, and David Oyelowo. We start back at the very beginning with a new origin story - pharmaceutical experimentation on apes results in the birth of a highly intelligent chimp named Caesar (played by Serkis). This is basically the re-imagining of 1972's Conquest of the Planet of the Apes but without all the racial commentary and fascism.
BAD:
James Franco: James Franco's in it.
NEUTRAL:
CGI: The CGI isn't the best, but it's not horrifically bad or anything either and is pretty good for 2011. You sort of lull into it and stop noticing it. There are some moments where it looks REALLY good.
Action: Again, we're in superhero territory. These chimps are flying through the fucking air and smashing through glass like they're indestructible. However, there is a battle on the Golden Gate Bridge that slaps. It really makes you go, "Yeah! Fuck these humans!"
GOOD:
Run-Time: 105 minutes. Perfectly reasonable.
Acting: With the exception of Franco, the acting is pretty top notch! David Oyelowo is a stand out. I'm also kind of obsessed with Logan Roy and Draco Malfoy being villains in this one. A+ casting lol.
Characters: The characters are given some decent backstory/motivations. The humans are a lot more interesting this time around.
Plot: There's a lot about the plot that I like. They flip the hunt scene from the previous films (the original and Burton's remake) and turn it back to humans hunting chimps. The film has weighty themes like the original run movies - this one focusing on lab animals/animal experimentation. Although that's not a new topic in the franchise, this one really has it at the centre of the film. I also like that this remake is still referencing aspects of the previous films and giving Caesar a new back story. An experimental Alzheimer's drug delivered into the system by a virus being the reason for the ape's intelligence (but the cause of a pandemic that kills humans) is a much more realistic backstory for how the apes take over the Earth (as opposed to humans immediately turning into fascist psychos because our dogs and cats died). Some of the choices are a bit nonsensical so not everything works, but it does feel like a solid foundation to reboot the franchise.
Enjoyment Rating: 3.5/5 - This is honestly a really good reboot and if you haven't seen it yet, then it's probably better than you think it is. Franco being the lead is unfortunate because he drags this film down significantly.
[2014: Dawn of the Planet of the Apes - Dir. Matt Reeves]
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014) - Dir. Matt Reeves
This gif is shit quality - the movie looks 100x better than this.
Plot: Dawn of the Planet of the Apes comes to us from the man that gave us emo Batman and you know what? This one's a little emo too! But it's an appropriate amount of emo. This one expands on the story from the previous film and picks up after a short time-jump - where humanity has been ravaged by a pandemic stemming from James Franco's experimental Alzheimer's drug (thanks, James!). It's basically a new retelling of Battle for the Planet of the Apes as there's an internal struggle for power amongst the apes and a war between the leftover humans and the apes.
NEUTRAL:
Pacing & Run-Time: It's 2 hours on the dot. It's not bad. But it does feel like 2 hours, you know? They could have trimmed some of the fat off this - especially a lot of the human bullshit. In the "Apes" franchise, the humans are the bad guys - the less we see of them the better. We're just the worst ugh.
GOOD:
Visuals: This one looks pretty fucking fantastic! While we're in dark and gritty reboot territory here, it's not actually too dark that you can't see it (so why the fuck is The Batman such a black hole?). The film does have that grey/blue filter over it, but it actually works for this movie and looks really good. It's one of the first times I haven't been annoyed by how blue a film looks. There's also still a lot of colour in this movie - it's surprisingly rich and colourful, the colours are just muted a bit by the grey-blue of it all, but not in a bad way. The CGI has been refined and looks really good (the orangutans honestly blow me away with how real they look). Ape City looks cool as hell but not too advanced that it's unbelievable. They've made real progress and are getting organized, but you can see how things are still developing. Seriously - this movie is eye-poppingly stunning! The apes also continue to sign, which I think is a really great choice instead of having them go immediately from not being able to talk, to vocalizing all their speech. The whole thing is jut really impressive and well done.
Acting: James Franco is gone! The acting is the best out of all the Planet of the Apes films! We've got Gary Oldman, Keri Russell, Kodi Smit-McPhee, and Kirk Acevedo (shout out to my fellow Fringe fans!) on for the humans. Andy Serkis returns as Caesar with Judy Greer, Toby Kebbell, and Karin Konoval on for some of the key apes. I guess the human lead is technically Jason Clarke (Aussie ONTDers, who the fuck is this man?) who is apparently in Oppenheimer for all you losers on this site that think that movie will be worth watching over Barbie. But, I digress...
Characters: We've got a real Mufasa/Scar situation in this one between the apes Caesar and Koba and it is TENSE. Koba makes for an excellent villain because you can 100% understand his anger and motivations and he's also sort of an evil badass. He's a fucking menace but he's a hardcore and capable menace. All the characters have really fleshed out backstories and motivations. Even the humans have understandable motivations and emotions.
Plot: The plot is rock solid. Not only does it tackle human encroachment into animal homeland, but it's also a big ol' "humans-can't-fucking-adapt-to-their-environment-without-destroying-it" story. We are such flops. I fucking hate us. All hail Caesar! Long live our ape overlords! Wait...what was I saying? Oh yeah...
Enjoyment Rating: 5/5 - This film fucking rules! It gave me chills lmao! I was a Matt Reeves hater because I thought The Batman was a corny mess, but he's clearly a very capable director because this movie is the best in the entire "Apes" franchise. It draws you in right from the very beginning and never lets you go. It looks great, sounds great, and just is great!
[2017: War for the Planet of the Apes - Dir. Matt Reeves]
War for the Planet of the Apes (2017) - Dir. Matt Reeves
Plot: We are now 15 years post-pandemic. It's explained to us that after the events of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, where war between humans and apes has erupted
- the remnants of the US military is now waging all out war in an attempt to exterminate the apes. This war has been going on for the last 2 years. An aging Caesar is still commanding the apes as he struggles to protect his home and his tribe.
BAD:
Run-Time: Here we go. Now Matt Reeves is starting up with his bullshit. 140 minutes. There's quite a bit here that could have been cut.
GOOD:
Visuals: IT'S FUCKING STUNNING!!!! AHHH!!
Acting: AHHHHHHH!!!
Plot: The plot here is a pretty natural continuation from the previous film. It's heavy, intense, and dark though. It's a lot - by far the darkest and heaviest out of all the "Apes" movies by a pretty wide margin. I would argue that it might even be too dark. But it is cohesive and makes sense within this new rebooted world. It's heavy on the nationalism is fascism, anti-militaristic narrative (Matt Reeves set an American flag on fire ...do I stan Matt Reeves now??). They also pull a lot of references from previous films here and expertly reinterpret them in a new way.
Enjoyment Rating: 4/5 - This film looks so incredible and is overall another really solid addition to the series. It's a bit heavy for me (it made me cry TWICE lmao), so I don't think I'll be watching it again because I don't like when movies remind me that I have emotions. I think a shorter run-time could have tightened things up and pushed this movie into a 5 territory. While this one is a visual delight in its own right (with marvellous CGI), I'm ranking it behind the original Planet of the Apes because I still think the impact of the original is pretty colossal and with it being lighter in tone, it has a re-watchability factor that really cements it as an enduring classic.
TL;DR & Final Thoughts
[TL;DR & Final Thoughts]
TL;DR & FINAL THOUGHTS
If you've never seen a Planet of the Apes film, but are looking to dive into the franchise (and you aren't a completist), then I would still strongly suggest starting with the original 1968 movie. From there you can easily jump all the way up to 2011 and begin again with the modern-day reboot.
If you have no time but want to just watch the movies worth watching - then the 1968 original and 2014's Dawn of the Planet of the Apes are the best bang for your buck. You can easily get by without all the other backstory.
I was legitimately surprised there were so fucking many of these films. This is one of the few Hollywood film franchises that I think has the ability to tackle really serious issues like animal rights, climate change, equality, and the destructive nature of human beings without it feeling shoe-horned in, out of place, or too preachy. It's also one of the rare cases where the reboot has not only done the original justice, but it's actually improved on the films in many ways and has expertly rebooted the story for a modern era. I've become a legitimate fan of the franchise through this journey and I'm actually really excited for the next movie to come out now.
ONTD'S FAVOURITE PLANET OF THE APES FILM
Poll The Best Planet of the Apes Film
[Thank You For Your Time]
Stop the Planet of the Apes. I Want to Get Off!
Sources: Gif 1 || Gif 2 || YouTube Score || Gif 3 || Den of Geek Story || Gif 4 || Gif 5 || Gif 6 || Gif 7 || Gif 8 || Gif 9 || Gif 10 || YouTube
