As someone who has been in therapy for 20 years and active within lots of mental health communities and formal therapy groups, this is 100% on point. When someone abusive comes into therapy, there is a small percentage likelihood the abuse will be addressed (although probably presented in some partial-truths) and much smaller they are willing and ready to put in the work to change those behavioral patterns, although it does happen. Especially when people are in therapy, as many abusers are, as some kind of deal or negotiation or from the court, and they don't really want to be in therapy.
The community is mostly people who are genuinely trying to better themselves and it simultaneously makes you feel less alone and also helps you remember this is a genuine disorder you are facing. The more expensive group therapies, it's may seem quite obvious who is for real because most of us in there are REALLY trying to get our money's worth. I have seen plenty of manipulative af people, personally had some scary experiences with a girl in our group and had to do a really careful unfriending of a person that would use suicide to manipulate. Often the therapist has no idea, and in talking people about behaviors the patient is saying THEY are a victim from, unfortunately can give them more tools, ESPECIALLY gaslighting and armchair diagnosing people around them to justify why their responses are not right.
I learned therapy jargon early on with all the therapy since being a kid + psychology major, and I was like it's really useful to know this, to have the right vocabulary for these things I'm describing. And originally I would have thought this entering into discourse would make people just more aware psychological facts and discoveries. LOL
And yes my assumption is that this is an unhealthy way of dealing with some prior trauma but calling it cope and going on about that, this was a long-term pattern of abuse, okay? If you really CARE enough to change, which I always thing the longer a person does this shit, the more comfortable they gt hurting people and they are less likely to want to genuinely change. But it does happen. The start would be to fully disclose your abuse and lying and unhealthy coping up front in therapy, in full, not minimized.
Like most people on this site I have tons of empathy for the mentally ill but public understanding of it is, while less judgmental than it was that I recall when I was first diagnosed, we are not ever going to be able to avoid people using it as an excuse, people will reach for any excuse they have, an abuser gives not a fuck what kind of marginalized group they are hurting by blaming that identity. Fuck, people will use it as an excuse for being rude.
Whenever someone is starting therapy I always tell them please don't give up until you find a therapist that clicks with you for real! And I feel bad for them b/c the whole exhausting process of searching for someone you can get in your network or afford out of pocket, having to rundown your history and open up handing your trust to a new person, questioning whether it's not working for you or you're just not doing enough, then have to start the process over. I know so many people, my family in particular, who very very much need to go but have had a bad experience in the past with a therapist and gave up.
Did you ever go to one whose style was to just sit there in silence until you said something and you had no idea what you were supposed to be saying or doing? I started crying harder and harder from the pressure and awkwardness and he still barely said anything. In the end he encouraged me to picture a mountain, just some kind of half-assed attempt at CBT. This was the psychologist my college campus offered.
The community is mostly people who are genuinely trying to better themselves and it simultaneously makes you feel less alone and also helps you remember this is a genuine disorder you are facing. The more expensive group therapies, it's may seem quite obvious who is for real because most of us in there are REALLY trying to get our money's worth. I have seen plenty of manipulative af people, personally had some scary experiences with a girl in our group and had to do a really careful unfriending of a person that would use suicide to manipulate. Often the therapist has no idea, and in talking people about behaviors the patient is saying THEY are a victim from, unfortunately can give them more tools, ESPECIALLY gaslighting and armchair diagnosing people around them to justify why their responses are not right.
I learned therapy jargon early on with all the therapy since being a kid + psychology major, and I was like it's really useful to know this, to have the right vocabulary for these things I'm describing. And originally I would have thought this entering into discourse would make people just more aware psychological facts and discoveries. LOL
And yes my assumption is that this is an unhealthy way of dealing with some prior trauma but calling it cope and going on about that, this was a long-term pattern of abuse, okay? If you really CARE enough to change, which I always thing the longer a person does this shit, the more comfortable they gt hurting people and they are less likely to want to genuinely change. But it does happen. The start would be to fully disclose your abuse and lying and unhealthy coping up front in therapy, in full, not minimized.
Like most people on this site I have tons of empathy for the mentally ill but public understanding of it is, while less judgmental than it was that I recall when I was first diagnosed, we are not ever going to be able to avoid people using it as an excuse, people will reach for any excuse they have, an abuser gives not a fuck what kind of marginalized group they are hurting by blaming that identity. Fuck, people will use it as an excuse for being rude.
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Did you ever go to one whose style was to just sit there in silence until you said something and you had no idea what you were supposed to be saying or doing? I started crying harder and harder from the pressure and awkwardness and he still barely said anything. In the end he encouraged me to picture a mountain, just some kind of half-assed attempt at CBT. This was the psychologist my college campus offered.
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