Demi Lovato says its ok to misgender them

[tabloidpersona]

The singer said that they accidentally misgender themselves sometimes too. https://t.co/CtsiGeSNIB
- etalk (@etalkCTV) July 16, 2021
Demi Lovato says its ok if people misgender them, because they often make the same mistake themselves

Comments

[trynabme]

I do not understand the use of the terms "they/them" tbh. I grew up knowing those words to mean plural, multiple, more than one etc. So Im still confused when people use it in this context. Why would she use they and not he or she for example?

[ljtryout]

Cause at that moment they dont identify with the consstruction of what a “he” or “she” means.

Linguistics wise, i see how it can be confused as plural but it’s nowhere near other English language fuck ups. And language always adapts with the times.

[prosopopeya]

singular they as a concept has been around for a long time. here's some info:
https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/singular-nonbinary-they
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Singular_they

as for not using he or she, those pronouns imply a connection with that gender presentation, and a nonbinary or genderqueer person may not feel a connection with he or she as a pronoun. "they" may better encapsulate their understanding of themselves.

[elderpricely]

Saying that he/she “implies a connection with that gender presentation” ignores the fact that there are many gender nonconforming people (who may not even be obviously male or female based on their presentation) who still use he/she. It's not inherently tied to presentation.

[prosopopeya]

very true! i was struggling to think of the right wording earlier. i guess i was thinking about a comfort level with those pronouns? is that better wording?

[elderpricely]

I just don't know if that's the right way to approach the conversation in general.

For example, it bothers me when pansexual people define pansexuality by contrasting it to bisexuality, but they have to re-define bisexuality to do so (in a way that many bisexual people disagree with). In the same way, defining non-binary or trans by comparing their feelings about gender/their bodies to others' doesn't work, because it assumes everyone else is at ease with their gender role or comfortable in their body.

[ohhhmydarling]

You'll get slaughtered for this, but they/them still really, really confuses me too. I've seen all the arguments that it isn't hard and shouldn't be confusing to anyone, but that just makes me feel worse. Like... it is. I'm sorry my brain just can't get used to it.

[arellaj]

the more you use it, the more your brain will get used to it. it's ok to make mistakes but not bothering to even try is definitely not ok.

[sunk]

"the more you use it, the more your brain will get used to it."

Agreed! When one of my friends told us they prefer they/them, I had a similar reaction. I 100% respected it, but expected to struggle -- and, at first, I did. But it's kind of like any other thing we learn about someone, y'know? We learn and remember someone's name, birthdate, favorite movie, etc -- why not pronouns? Thinking of it that way made it "click" more for me. Like, my brain just added a new thing to the bank for that person. "Okay, this is Sarah, age 36, favorite movie is The Shining, born 4/21, they/them."

I still slip up/misgender sometimes if someone suddenly goes from "he" or "she" to "they/them" in my head, but it's not as hard as I thought it'd be.

[cold_nites]

[sandstorm]

Just pretend you're talking about someone with a unisex name and you aren't sure what gender they are.

[hazypink]

That’s helped for me a TON. When I talk about customers im emailing with but haven’t met (I answer support tickets sometimes) I’ll always say they and it’s second nature because I truly don’t know

I also find it’s easy when I’m being introduced to somebody for the first time. It’s just hard when you knew someone before and associate them with a gender, but people are pretty understanding of that in my experience

[sandstorm]

As someone with a unisex name, I appreciate that!

(Also my original comment should be "gender they ID with")

[euraylie]

I have to admit I find it difficult in written form. I recently read a novel with a character who used they/them pronouns and it was hard to keep up who “they” were at times. I had to re-read several passages

[syvlie0o0]

As a concept I get it, but in speech it’s hard. I have an old co-worker who went by they and in everyday life English just isn’t built that way, except in very narrow circumstances where people use a singular “they”

[vespertinev]

It is hard and it might take a while but please try. You have no idea the difference it makes when people use the correct pronouns.