It's a goop Post - You Know the Drill
Hello, my darling poors and peasants, ‘tis I, your favorite rich auntie, back to celebrate my dear, dear friend and sworn mortal enemy Gwyneth Paltrow by highlighting some of the MUST HAVES on goop.com. Unfortunately, goop now has something called a “sale section,” which is honestly disgusting and I’m not sure I can continue to support such abhorrent behavior. Everyone knows anyone worth their weight, which is 110 max, throws their unsold goods at the heads of the help as punishment and then into the ceremonial fire at the bi-monthly illuminati pig Demi Lovato roast. Hopefully this was just an oversight from an intern gone awry and swift punishment via Stella McCartney wooden mule to the head will be executed. But for now, like the third act of Country Strong, we trudge on.
GABRIELA ARTIGAS Solitare Double Apse Ring - $4,900.00 - FINAL SALE
Do you ever look down at your hands and think, "I wish my fine jewelry looked more like two tadpoles fucking in the summer sun," well then goop has the ring for you! This $4,900 Gabriela Artigas Solitaire Double Apse Ring is perfect for sitting in your jewelry box and never seeing the light of day. Note, it cannot be returned so none of your poors better try and take it for a test drive on your crusty-ass hands and then try to return it. goop doesn't accept your excuses nor your returns.
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THE ORGANIC PHARMACY Carrot Butter Cleanser - $74.00
Much like my dear friend and fully-exonerated co-conspirator Guiliana Rancic, I have a strict no butter, no oil, no joy policy, but I do make an exception when it comes to carrot butter and truffle butter (the sex act, not the food), which is why I simply adore this Organic Company Carrot Butter cleanser. For just $74, you can apply it to your face to remove makeup or leave it on to cosplay as Trisha Paytas after a spray tan. Sure it looks cheap as hell and has the basic ingredients found in dollar store cleansers like jojoba oil, cocoa-seed butter, sunflower-seed oil, but this one cost 74x that, and THAT, my friends, is goop-style luxury.
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Goop University T-Shirt - $125.00
While I was originally waitlisted for goop University due to poor personal boundaries and cankles, I am now a proud graduate, receiving my degree in Vaginal Health with a minor in snake oil sales. My family is so proud, at least I assume, they haven’t talked to me since I stormed the capitol…not on January 6th, it was 8th and it was only because I may or may not be in a financial dom/sub relationship with Missouri’s hottest congressman, Billy Long, and he may or may not have been late on my monthly payment of goop glow vitamins and Subway gift cards. But I digress, the goop U Pre-Nups (A Ryan Murphy Production) are crushing it like an Adderall in competitive juice cleansing this year. Gooooo goop!
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GOOP X AVOCADO Meditation Pillow - $80.00
After a long, hard day of taking it up the ass from the man, and by the man, I mean my tennis instructor, I love to come home and relax on my goop x avocado hemorrhoid pillow. This hemorrhoid pillow is 55% hemp, 45% cotton, and 100% cradling my perfectly bleached, and totally wrecked, asshole. Seriously, get yours for when you’re getting yours, if you know what I’m talking about…I’m talking about anal sex.
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vFit Intimate Wellness Solution - $495.00
No goop post is complete without a sex toy, after all, no one knows sex like sentient paper straw, Gwyneth Paltrow. And when you’re married to the straight guy who created Glee and the personification of a tumbleweed rolling across a desert plain, Chris Coldplay, it’s kind of a given you have probably needed a toy or ten to climax. This one is nothing special, but it’s $500, so….
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That’s it, my lovey dovey’s, I do hope you made a few purchases from this post. And do contact goop.com and demand I receive an affiliate link for my tireless work promoting their incredible products, and by incredible, I mean no one should give any credit to these stupid, ugly products. Tah-tah!!
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