ONTD Original: It's time to face your Exes! Ranking former ONTD Boyfriends.
ONTD has had as many partners as the first episode of every season of The Bachelorette, let's take a trip down memory lane and remember who were the shitty ones, and some of the best ONTD boyfriends.
[Spoiler (click to open)]15. BUENITO CUCARACHA (aka Benedict Cumberbatch): You like his personality but he's just not attractive. Bulgaria Cunnilingus became ONTD's boyfriend back in 2010 when Sherlock premiered and we were shocked by Bonasera Curriculum's wit and arrogance, since obviously ONTD can't separate actors and characters. Then Star Trek came by and ONTD noticed the truth... Butterfingers Cryptocurrency just wasn't attractive enough for us, or as Benzocaine Circumcision puts it "slightly inbred".
14. ADAM DRIVER: The one that was amazing at sex because he was too ugly. ONTD always had some questionable taste, and somehow people thought he was cute in 'Girls', then Star Wars came along and his shirtless scenes apparently send some people into a delirious spin, idk, the thing is that by Marriage Story, ONTD came through...
13. MICHAEL FASSBENDER: Domestic abuse is not fun.. Formerly known as 'Shark Fassy' by many ONTDers, 'Xmen' introduced ONTD to Fassy, we colectively lost our minds when he showed his dick in 'Shame', but we told him 'FUCK YOU MF. We're done' when his abuse allegations came up.
12. JEREMY RENNER: Never an actual boyfriend. Remember that stan that tried to make 'Jeremy Renner Wednesdays' happen? Yeah... And even when the abuse allegations came up, some stans still tried to be by his side. Luckily ONTD came to it's senses. (Also, fuck you for hiding your wife and daughter's passports)
[Content removed due to his triggering ugly face]
11. TOM HIDDLESTON: Your boyfriend just wants attention. Ok, i guess he wasn't that bad. After ONTD's break up with Bokehtoh Calamarisauce we just needed another weird looking guy, and since ONTD can't separate actors and characters™ we fell in love with Loki...but then the T.Swift incident happened, the one in the beach, with the pictures of 'I <3 T.S'. That ONTD post was wild.
10. GERARD BUTLER: The drunk boyfriend that stood you up because he went out to drink with his friends. Yeah, nobody said we were good at making choices and when 300 happened, we basically fell for the abs, and that shit went away quickly... By the time he was doing RomComs with Katherine Heigl, we were over it.
9. TOOTHY TYLE (aka Jake Gyllenhaal): Your boyfriend wants a boyfriend. While he's had a resurgence due to Spiderman, our relationship with Jake is complicated. While we crushed on him since Brokeback, one half of ONTD (the straight women) did not want him because of the Toothy Tile rumors about him being closeted, and the other half of ONTD (the gays) did wanted him to be ONTD's boyfriend. The other 4 lesbians and 1 confused straight guy had no opinion.
8. DRAKE: Your boyfriend wants younger meat. Yeah, this one got creepy fast. Run ONTD, RUN!
7. RYAN PHILLIPE: Your boyfriend turns out to be a manchild. ONTD's relationship with Ryan dates all the way back to 'Cruel intentions' but things reached a peak when we found out he's actually a real ONTDer!
6. CHRISTIAN BALE: Your boyfriend has rage issues. Sure, the Dark Knight was great and we all loved that iconic Kermit Bale post, he had ONTD at his knees. Then his audio leaked screaming at a director and threatening to walk off the film, leading ONTD to break up with him.
5. JENSEN ACKLES: Your boyfriend has zero aspirations. We all loved him that one time he was playing soccer shirtless but standing 15 fucking years of Supernatural and nothing else turned our love for him into 'meh'. His homophobic face during his gay lover's death scene didn't help.
4. ALEXANDER SKARSGARD: Not everything is about sex. While True Blood Party Posts were a hoot! Once TB ended, Skarsgard sort of vanished, and so did our love for him. (Until he showed his fake dick in BLL).
3. SHIA LE BOUF: The crazy hipster you had a one night stand with and somehow it became days, weeks, and suddenly you're signed up for a weekend on a nude yoga retreat that ends with orgies. Yeah... he just got weird, and then weirder....
2. MICHAEL B. JORDAN: The douchey one. This is a tricky one. I guess we can say we're still sort of in a relationship with him, but it definitely hit some rough patches after that interview where he said that his ideal girl was someone who's "comfortable in the kitchen" and that after midnight, his "checklist" for hookups goes down to "Two legs. Pulse." Not to mention his 'All live matter' bullshit.
1. ELI ROTH: The one that got away... Too long to explain. But this is a big part of ONTD History. Eli Roth teased some ONTDers. Sexy texts/pics were sent. Had cybersex with ONTD, tweeted evidence. Blueberries rejoice.
ONTD's current dating status: single and being eaten to death by their cats
Sources: me and 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,8, 9, 10
ONTD, any memorable ONTD ex boyfriend i missed?