ONTD ORIGINAL: The 2020 Goop Gift Guide aka The Goop That Stole Christmas
Every poor down in Poorville liked tacky shit a lot...but the Goop, who lived just north of Brentwood, did NOT! The Goop hated tchotchkes! And chicken that was seasoned! Now, please don't ask why. Blythe Danner's the reason. It could be her jade egg wasn't shoved in her pussy just right. It could be, perhaps, that her Lululemons were too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all, may have been that Brad Falchuk's dick was two sizes too small. Whatever the reason, her vag or her husband's mere presence, she stood there on Christmas Eve, hating you peasants...
But worry not my she's, they's, and gays, Gwyneth has put her deep-seated hatred for your un-aspirational asses aside and delivered unto us a gift guide that rivals the baby Jesus in terms of sheer importance this Holly Holliday season. So without further ado, I bring you...THE 2020 GOOP HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE...as described by me.
EDIE PARKER OUIJA BOARD - $1,995
Bespoke to the dead! When it comes to being light as a feather and stiff as a board, I trust Gwyneth Paltrow. You simply CANNOT summon evil spirits this holiday season without this $2,000 Edie Parker for goop Ouiji Board! Whether you are living it up with the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, or Future, discover what a truly hellish ghoul you are in style! Boo!
PAMPSHADE BATARD BREAD LAMP - $210
Why eat gluten when you can ILLUMINATE gluten? This actual loaf of bread had a light bulb shoved inside, then was covered in resin, and sold for $210. Wow, sounds eerily like my spring break in 2004! Unfortunately my darlings, this item is totally sold out because white women. But fret not, we'll all be dead soon. Bread!
TSUCHIYA KABAN WATERMELON BAG - MORE THAN YOUR STUDENT LOANS
Oh, you carried a watermelon? Well, Gwyneth Paltrow has carried the entire wellness community and several Ryan Murphy productions on her shoulders for years so you can deal. But should you need assistance in carrying your melons and/or simply want to have a token of the year you spent home alone flicking your watermelon seed to Watermelon Sugar, get this truly useless Tsuchiya Kaban bag that is so expensive, they won't even tell you the price. I mean, why not? It's not like millions of people are struggling to pay their bills during a pandemic. Anyway, life is a meaningless series of non-events until eventually you and everyone you love dies. So chic! Bag!
GOOP-EXCLUSIVE JULY AIR CONDITIONER - $500
This holiday season, treat your loved one to the kind of chill in the air usually reserved for Gwyneth Paltrow and Brad Falchuk dinner dates. This $500 goop-Exclusive July Air Conditioner is beige and flat, just like Gwyneth herself! Brr!
GOOP FOR AVOCADO GREEN MATTRESS - $38,000
Whenever I'm firing staff the week of Christmas without word or warning and they ask me how I sleep at night, I always tell them on this $38,000 goop for Avocado mattress. After all, sleep is so important for your skin, hair, and crippling depression. Bed!
ELIZABETH PAIGE SMITH PYRAMID COMMODE - $35,000
The Illumanti is real. Humanity is a failed experiment and capitalism is king. Plus, this $35,000 Elizabeth Paige Smith Pyramid Commode would look, like, SO CUTE in your guest house. Baphomet!
Rest of list
What do you want for Christmas, ONTD? I want a sugar daddy and/or corporation to finance my career of making fun of out-of-touch rich people, thus making me an out-of-touch rich person and allowing me to never have to post on this broke-ass, Russian hacker site again. And also maybe some bougie socks. <3