ONTD Original: The basic-to-horrible boyfriend as muse
Okay, so ONTD has had some fun with some of Taylor Swift's more starry-eyed lyrics about Joe Alwyn, deeming sentiments like "you're so gorgeous it actually hurts" and "I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover" to be a little much to describe what appears to the rest of the world an inoffensive British potato. But that's the beauty and power of love right ONTD? RIGHT?
And Taylor is far from the first female artist to be dickmatized, and Joe Alwyn is far, far, far from the least worthy dude to act as muse and inspiration. Here are some smitten, moony-eyed, genuine and heartfelt songs about men who just make you want to go
"You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morrissette is about
[HER?]
Dave Coulier
I know you know this one. We all know this one. This is the first HER? moment I can remember in my life as a young music fan. "You Oughta Know" was everywhere, back when rock was still a vital ingredient in the charts, a blast of rage towards an ex boyfriend the heartbroken narrator still clearly wants back, obsessively comparing herself with his new girl, saying she's younger and more sexually adventurous - would she go down on you in a theatre? But the line that really haunts me is "the joke that you laid in the bed, that was me" suggesting Dave told a whole lot of corny jokes in bed. However, according to Snopes the Coulier rumour is "undetermined", but another possible candidate is BOB! SAGET! which makes the "joke" line even more gag worthy.
"DJT" by Aubrey O'Day is about
[HER?]
Donald Trump jr
This song is kind of the inspiration for this whole post. While "DJT" and the other songs on the former Danity Kane member's EP Between Two Evils may not be... great music burning up the charts, they're indelible proof Aubrey legit loved this ugly motherfucker! She wrote songs about him! Plural!!! HIM!!!! THAT GUY!!!! And she wasn't even his main chick! The mind, it boggles. Here's the ONTD post, do read for more hot, revolting gossip. If you have just emerged out of a coma and need a reminder why he's trash he was married to somebody else when dating Aubrey for fucking one, he's Donald Trump's kid, he's republican, he's unfortunate in the face, he thinks SNL is called S&L, love truly is blind, deaf and wears a hazmat suit.
"True Blue" by Madonna is about
[HER?]
Sean Penn
"True Blue" is one of Madge's sweetest, corniest love songs ("no more sadness, I kiss it goodbye / the sun is bursting right out of the sky / I'd wait my whole life for someone like you"), and the video is a fifties fantasia a world removed from the pregnant teen or worldly peep show girl of lead singles "Papa Don't Preach" and "Open Your Heart". Who better to inspire such an innocent and hopeful declaration of love than... Sean.... Penn? Violent, angry, pretentious Sean Penn? BEATS ME! (Sean, if you're reading this, that wasn't an invitation. I wear glasses ok. I have a heart condition. If you hit me, it's murder)
"My Favorite Mistake" by Sheryl Crow is about
[HER?]
Eric Clapton
Crow and the 17 years older Clapton had a short relationship which resulted in a pretty damn great album from Crow (The Globe Sessions) and the damning song "My Favorite Mistake", where the narrator is in a relationship with a stinking lying cheat. Clapton of course went on to write his own songs about Crow and moan in interviews how he could never seem to keep a woman. OP doesn't really listen to Clapton so she cannot say whether he has written any songs about how he can never seem to keep it in his pants.
"This Is Love" by PJ Harvey is about
[HER?]
Vince Gallo
Stories From The City, Stories From The Sea was PJ Harvey's commercial breakthrough and the record that even the most casual rock fans could enjoy. She was FEELING HERSELF in this one! Gone were the mythologies and tortured blueswoman postures of earlier works, this record was full of earthy, playful songs where she wants to "chase you around the table" or swoons "you're too beautiful to put into words". And it was about fucking VINCE GALLO, racist and misogynist douchebag extraordinaire!! Luckily Polly got over the dickmatization eventually and the song she wrote about him in the follow up album, Uh Huh Her, was a snarky number called "The Life And Death Of Mr Badmouth". If you don't know who Vince Gallo is seeing as how this is 2019 he is a man who put his sperm on ebay for one million dollars (whites only need apply - ONTD post here), once had a thing going with Cory Kennedy when she was like 16 (it's okay if you don't know who that is either, it's still 2019) and who filmed then-gf Chloe Sevigny giving him head for real in his terrible film Brown Bunny. He's
"Everytime" by Britney Spears is about
[HER?]
Justin Timberlake
After "Cry Me A River", where Justin put Britney on blast - she allegedly cheated on chicken of the woods - songwriters queued up to offer her right-of-reply songs (some went on to be recorded by other artists, the most successful example being "Sweet Dreams My L.A. Ex"). However Britney decided to write the song herself with backing vocalist and friend Annet Artani. The result was a tender ballad where she puts the blame on her own doorstep, a grovelling apology with a video that apparently ends in suicide. Brit! Over HIM?
"Pretty Dark" by Grimes is about
[HER?]
Elon Musk
The jury is still out on whether this era will be as great as Art Angels or just a whole mess but one thing is for sure - it will be musky. While first single "We Appreciate Power" was a conceptual song about malevolent AI which just kind of awkwardly reminded you Elon slid in Claire's DMs after being impressed by a Roko's basilisk joke she tweeted (don't give up single ONTD!! Our shitposts might get us love yet!!), demo "Pretty Dark" is a more straight forward love song. "I wish I could be your first love the way you are mine," sings Grimes, and then later on "how you own me like you own the world". Rather lovely until you remember she's dating a secretly bald tech bro billionaire who makes epic bacon jokes on twitter and called a hero diver a paedophile for no reason. Someone should really make a post one day detailing the adventures of Grelon (not it) but a highlight is definitely Elon tweeting himself out of a CEO job saying he was going to take Tesla private for $420 a stock - Grimes introduced him to weed and the tweet was a joke in m'lady's honour.
Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
And Taylor is far from the first female artist to be dickmatized, and Joe Alwyn is far, far, far from the least worthy dude to act as muse and inspiration. Here are some smitten, moony-eyed, genuine and heartfelt songs about men who just make you want to go
Click to view"You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morrissette is about
[HER?]
Dave Coulier
I know you know this one. We all know this one. This is the first HER? moment I can remember in my life as a young music fan. "You Oughta Know" was everywhere, back when rock was still a vital ingredient in the charts, a blast of rage towards an ex boyfriend the heartbroken narrator still clearly wants back, obsessively comparing herself with his new girl, saying she's younger and more sexually adventurous - would she go down on you in a theatre? But the line that really haunts me is "the joke that you laid in the bed, that was me" suggesting Dave told a whole lot of corny jokes in bed. However, according to Snopes the Coulier rumour is "undetermined", but another possible candidate is BOB! SAGET! which makes the "joke" line even more gag worthy.
"DJT" by Aubrey O'Day is about
[HER?]
Donald Trump jr
This song is kind of the inspiration for this whole post. While "DJT" and the other songs on the former Danity Kane member's EP Between Two Evils may not be... great music burning up the charts, they're indelible proof Aubrey legit loved this ugly motherfucker! She wrote songs about him! Plural!!! HIM!!!! THAT GUY!!!! And she wasn't even his main chick! The mind, it boggles. Here's the ONTD post, do read for more hot, revolting gossip. If you have just emerged out of a coma and need a reminder why he's trash he was married to somebody else when dating Aubrey for fucking one, he's Donald Trump's kid, he's republican, he's unfortunate in the face, he thinks SNL is called S&L, love truly is blind, deaf and wears a hazmat suit.
"True Blue" by Madonna is about
[HER?]
Sean Penn
"True Blue" is one of Madge's sweetest, corniest love songs ("no more sadness, I kiss it goodbye / the sun is bursting right out of the sky / I'd wait my whole life for someone like you"), and the video is a fifties fantasia a world removed from the pregnant teen or worldly peep show girl of lead singles "Papa Don't Preach" and "Open Your Heart". Who better to inspire such an innocent and hopeful declaration of love than... Sean.... Penn? Violent, angry, pretentious Sean Penn? BEATS ME! (Sean, if you're reading this, that wasn't an invitation. I wear glasses ok. I have a heart condition. If you hit me, it's murder)
"My Favorite Mistake" by Sheryl Crow is about
[HER?]
Eric Clapton
Crow and the 17 years older Clapton had a short relationship which resulted in a pretty damn great album from Crow (The Globe Sessions) and the damning song "My Favorite Mistake", where the narrator is in a relationship with a stinking lying cheat. Clapton of course went on to write his own songs about Crow and moan in interviews how he could never seem to keep a woman. OP doesn't really listen to Clapton so she cannot say whether he has written any songs about how he can never seem to keep it in his pants.
"This Is Love" by PJ Harvey is about
[HER?]
Vince Gallo
Stories From The City, Stories From The Sea was PJ Harvey's commercial breakthrough and the record that even the most casual rock fans could enjoy. She was FEELING HERSELF in this one! Gone were the mythologies and tortured blueswoman postures of earlier works, this record was full of earthy, playful songs where she wants to "chase you around the table" or swoons "you're too beautiful to put into words". And it was about fucking VINCE GALLO, racist and misogynist douchebag extraordinaire!! Luckily Polly got over the dickmatization eventually and the song she wrote about him in the follow up album, Uh Huh Her, was a snarky number called "The Life And Death Of Mr Badmouth". If you don't know who Vince Gallo is seeing as how this is 2019 he is a man who put his sperm on ebay for one million dollars (whites only need apply - ONTD post here), once had a thing going with Cory Kennedy when she was like 16 (it's okay if you don't know who that is either, it's still 2019) and who filmed then-gf Chloe Sevigny giving him head for real in his terrible film Brown Bunny. He's
"Everytime" by Britney Spears is about
[HER?]
Justin Timberlake
After "Cry Me A River", where Justin put Britney on blast - she allegedly cheated on chicken of the woods - songwriters queued up to offer her right-of-reply songs (some went on to be recorded by other artists, the most successful example being "Sweet Dreams My L.A. Ex"). However Britney decided to write the song herself with backing vocalist and friend Annet Artani. The result was a tender ballad where she puts the blame on her own doorstep, a grovelling apology with a video that apparently ends in suicide. Brit! Over HIM?
"Pretty Dark" by Grimes is about
[HER?]
Elon Musk
The jury is still out on whether this era will be as great as Art Angels or just a whole mess but one thing is for sure - it will be musky. While first single "We Appreciate Power" was a conceptual song about malevolent AI which just kind of awkwardly reminded you Elon slid in Claire's DMs after being impressed by a Roko's basilisk joke she tweeted (don't give up single ONTD!! Our shitposts might get us love yet!!), demo "Pretty Dark" is a more straight forward love song. "I wish I could be your first love the way you are mine," sings Grimes, and then later on "how you own me like you own the world". Rather lovely until you remember she's dating a secretly bald tech bro billionaire who makes epic bacon jokes on twitter and called a hero diver a paedophile for no reason. Someone should really make a post one day detailing the adventures of Grelon (not it) but a highlight is definitely Elon tweeting himself out of a CEO job saying he was going to take Tesla private for $420 a stock - Grimes introduced him to weed and the tweet was a joke in m'lady's honour.
Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7