Songs by Pop Stars That Could Have Won Eurovision The Year They Were Released
Disclaimer: OP has been into the wine to distract from the bleakness of life and decided to make this absolutely deranged post. Be kind.
The Eurovision Song Contest may be over for 2019, but Eurovision is truly an eternal state of mind.
This post is simply a collection of a few songs by famous pop artists, including a lesser-known track or two, that easily could have won Eurovision if they had been entered into the famous song competition during the year that they were released *according to a Canadian - don't judge me, Europe*.
Make sense? No? Well keep reading anyway.
What makes a song a potential Eurovision winner? Well...
1. Upbeat, Repetitive Lyrics About Love
Eurovision loves a good song about loving love. It's as simple as that really.
What could have won?
*NSYNC - I NEED LOVE - 1997
Does it sound European? Check.
Is it actually European and eligible for Eurovision? No.
Repetitive Lyrics? Check.
Love love love? Check.
[What song actually won in 1997?]
KATRINA AND THE WAVES - LOVE SHINE A LIGHT (UK) - 1997
Is this a better song about love? Meh.
Does it have a bangin' 90s dance beat? No.
And the winner of Eurovision 1997 is? *Nsync would have easily placed number 1 in 1997 with "I Need Love" if *NSync were Europeans and eligible for entry into the Eurovision Song Contest.
2. Being A Swedish Hero
It's no secret that the juries loooooooooove the Swedes and that all the Max Martin Mini Mes of Sweden are all over the writing credits of Eurovision songs for artists from other countries. Everyone wants a Swede on their team!
What could have won?
ALESSO & TOVE LO - HEROES - 2014/2015
Technically this song came out in 2014, but it appears on Tove Lo's 2015 Album Queen of the Clouds (Blueprint Edition) so I'm using the 2015 Eurovision winner as a comparison because who even is Alesso? I don't know. I only know Tove Lo.
Is this European? Check.
Are they both Swedes? Check.
Are they Swedes talking about Heroes? Check.
Does it sound like Swedishly crafted Pop? Check.
[What song actually won in 2015?]
MÅNS ZELMERLÖW - HEROES (SWEDEN) - 2015
Is this a better Swedish song about Heroes? Yes, in my humble opinion.
And the winner of Eurovision 2015 is? It's a tie because the songs are similar enough and the Swedes literally submit a slight variation of the same exact song every single year! Bonus points do go to Måns though for worming his way into every single Eurovision. It wouldn't be Eurovision without him!
3. A Space-Age Theme
Eurovision loves a good theme! An outer-space theme? Even better! (See also 2019 non-winning but notable performance: Kate Miller-Heidke - Zero Gravity).
What could have won?
ROBYN - STARS 4-EVER - 2010
Is this European? Check. Swedish, even! (douze points from the all the juries!)
Does it have a theme? Check - space.
Is it catchy? Check.
Is it a good song? Check.
[What song actually won in 2010?]
LENA - SATELLITE (GERMANY) - 2010
Is it a good song? No.
Is she a good singer? No.
Does it have a theme? Check - space.
Was it written by a Swede? No. An American and a Dane. What kind of unholy non-Swedish combination?
And the winner of Eurovision 2010 is? Obviously Robyn lmao. How did this shit even win?
4. A Frantic Song With A Sick Dance Routine
Mix equal parts excellent energetic pop song with a great fast-paced dance routine to match and you have yourself a serious Eurovision contender!
What could have won?
DESTINY'S CHILD - LOSE MY BREATH - 2004
Fast paced song? Check.
Choreography to match? Check.
Is it European? No.
[What song actually won in 2004?]
RUSLANA - WILD DANCES (UKRAINE) - 2004
Faced paced song? Check.
Choreography to match? Check.
Is it European? Check.
And the winner of Eurovision 2004 is? Desinty's Child because Beyoncé (and more stable vocals during the choreo - sorry Ruslana!) but honestly both are A+++++ secretly waiting for a Ruslana/Beyonce collab like the Shakira/Beyonce collab tbh
5. A Pity-Party Piano Ballad
Believe it or not, despite its reputation, sometimes Eurovision is a fucking snoozefest!
What could have won?
CARLY RAE JEPSEN - THE SOUND (2019)
Is it European? No.
Is there Piano? Check.
Is it a slower pop track? Check.
Is it kind of a pity-party? Check.
Is it boring compared to some of the more entertaining ESC entries? Check.
Are the RCMP coming after OP for committing this treason against the Prime Minister of Pop? Check.
[What song actually won in 2019?]
DUNCAN LAWRENCE - ARCADE (THE NETHERLANDS) - 2019
Is it European? Check.
Is there Piano? Check.
Is it a slower pop track? Check.
Is it kind of a pity-party? Check.
Is it boring compared to some of the more entertaining ESC entries? Check.
And the winner of Eurovision 2019 is? People who like ballads over fun.
6. BONUS: Gimme A Gimmick!!
Sometimes, a timeless performance graces the Eurovision stage and despite the year it was released, despite the ranking of its place - it becomes part of the Eurovision legend. Eurovision loves a gaudy pop-gimmick. Sometimes they go down in history as first place winners (Lordi - Hard Rock Hallelujah!) and sometimes they just go down in history as being ICONIC.
What could have gone down in Eurovision history?
LADY GAGA - POKER FACE (2009)
Is it pure pop fun? Check.
Is it European? Sure, why not? - She's Italian!!!!
Is it gimmicky? Check.
Is it ever-so-slightly nonsensical? Check. It's stunnin' with its love, glue-gunnin'!
Is it memorable? Check!
[What did not win but has become legendary anyway?]
VERKA SERDUCHKA - DANCING LASHA TUMBAI (UKRAINE) - 2007
Is it pure pop fun? Check.
Is it European? Check.
Is it gimmicky? Check.
Is it ever-so-slightly nonsensical? Check. I want to see Lasha Tumbai!
Is it memorable? Check!
Who wins the battle of the Eurovision legends? People who like fun!
SOURCES BECAUSE I HAVE JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY:
Source 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 /12 / 13 /
The Eurovision Song Contest may be over for 2019, but Eurovision is truly an eternal state of mind.
This post is simply a collection of a few songs by famous pop artists, including a lesser-known track or two, that easily could have won Eurovision if they had been entered into the famous song competition during the year that they were released *according to a Canadian - don't judge me, Europe*.
Make sense? No? Well keep reading anyway.
What makes a song a potential Eurovision winner? Well...
1. Upbeat, Repetitive Lyrics About Love
Eurovision loves a good song about loving love. It's as simple as that really.
What could have won?
*NSYNC - I NEED LOVE - 1997
Click to viewDoes it sound European? Check.
Is it actually European and eligible for Eurovision? No.
Repetitive Lyrics? Check.
Love love love? Check.
[What song actually won in 1997?]
KATRINA AND THE WAVES - LOVE SHINE A LIGHT (UK) - 1997
Is this a better song about love? Meh.
Does it have a bangin' 90s dance beat? No.
And the winner of Eurovision 1997 is? *Nsync would have easily placed number 1 in 1997 with "I Need Love" if *NSync were Europeans and eligible for entry into the Eurovision Song Contest.
2. Being A Swedish Hero
It's no secret that the juries loooooooooove the Swedes and that all the Max Martin Mini Mes of Sweden are all over the writing credits of Eurovision songs for artists from other countries. Everyone wants a Swede on their team!
What could have won?
ALESSO & TOVE LO - HEROES - 2014/2015
Technically this song came out in 2014, but it appears on Tove Lo's 2015 Album Queen of the Clouds (Blueprint Edition) so I'm using the 2015 Eurovision winner as a comparison because who even is Alesso? I don't know. I only know Tove Lo.
Is this European? Check.
Are they both Swedes? Check.
Are they Swedes talking about Heroes? Check.
Does it sound like Swedishly crafted Pop? Check.
[What song actually won in 2015?]
MÅNS ZELMERLÖW - HEROES (SWEDEN) - 2015
Is this a better Swedish song about Heroes? Yes, in my humble opinion.
And the winner of Eurovision 2015 is? It's a tie because the songs are similar enough and the Swedes literally submit a slight variation of the same exact song every single year! Bonus points do go to Måns though for worming his way into every single Eurovision. It wouldn't be Eurovision without him!
3. A Space-Age Theme
Eurovision loves a good theme! An outer-space theme? Even better! (See also 2019 non-winning but notable performance: Kate Miller-Heidke - Zero Gravity).
What could have won?
ROBYN - STARS 4-EVER - 2010
Is this European? Check. Swedish, even! (douze points from the all the juries!)
Does it have a theme? Check - space.
Is it catchy? Check.
Is it a good song? Check.
[What song actually won in 2010?]
LENA - SATELLITE (GERMANY) - 2010
Is it a good song? No.
Is she a good singer? No.
Does it have a theme? Check - space.
Was it written by a Swede? No. An American and a Dane. What kind of unholy non-Swedish combination?
And the winner of Eurovision 2010 is? Obviously Robyn lmao. How did this shit even win?
4. A Frantic Song With A Sick Dance Routine
Mix equal parts excellent energetic pop song with a great fast-paced dance routine to match and you have yourself a serious Eurovision contender!
What could have won?
DESTINY'S CHILD - LOSE MY BREATH - 2004
Fast paced song? Check.
Choreography to match? Check.
Is it European? No.
[What song actually won in 2004?]
RUSLANA - WILD DANCES (UKRAINE) - 2004
Faced paced song? Check.
Choreography to match? Check.
Is it European? Check.
And the winner of Eurovision 2004 is? Desinty's Child because Beyoncé (and more stable vocals during the choreo - sorry Ruslana!) but honestly both are A+++++ secretly waiting for a Ruslana/Beyonce collab like the Shakira/Beyonce collab tbh
5. A Pity-Party Piano Ballad
Believe it or not, despite its reputation, sometimes Eurovision is a fucking snoozefest!
What could have won?
CARLY RAE JEPSEN - THE SOUND (2019)
Is it European? No.
Is there Piano? Check.
Is it a slower pop track? Check.
Is it kind of a pity-party? Check.
Is it boring compared to some of the more entertaining ESC entries? Check.
Are the RCMP coming after OP for committing this treason against the Prime Minister of Pop? Check.
[What song actually won in 2019?]
DUNCAN LAWRENCE - ARCADE (THE NETHERLANDS) - 2019
Is it European? Check.
Is there Piano? Check.
Is it a slower pop track? Check.
Is it kind of a pity-party? Check.
Is it boring compared to some of the more entertaining ESC entries? Check.
And the winner of Eurovision 2019 is? People who like ballads over fun.
6. BONUS: Gimme A Gimmick!!
Sometimes, a timeless performance graces the Eurovision stage and despite the year it was released, despite the ranking of its place - it becomes part of the Eurovision legend. Eurovision loves a gaudy pop-gimmick. Sometimes they go down in history as first place winners (Lordi - Hard Rock Hallelujah!) and sometimes they just go down in history as being ICONIC.
What could have gone down in Eurovision history?
LADY GAGA - POKER FACE (2009)
Is it pure pop fun? Check.
Is it European? Sure, why not? - She's Italian!!!!
Is it gimmicky? Check.
Is it ever-so-slightly nonsensical? Check. It's stunnin' with its love, glue-gunnin'!
Is it memorable? Check!
[What did not win but has become legendary anyway?]
VERKA SERDUCHKA - DANCING LASHA TUMBAI (UKRAINE) - 2007
Is it pure pop fun? Check.
Is it European? Check.
Is it gimmicky? Check.
Is it ever-so-slightly nonsensical? Check. I want to see Lasha Tumbai!
Is it memorable? Check!
Who wins the battle of the Eurovision legends? People who like fun!
SOURCES BECAUSE I HAVE JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY:
Source 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 /12 / 13 /