The Kpop Fandom Hurts
I realized something, today, as I was sat watching 2AM perform Proposal live and it nearly brought tears to my eyes how perfect and beautiful it was.
I will never get to see any of the bands that I love live.
Let me specify that - any of the Korean bands I love, live.
And since Kpop has taken over my life, my finances, my heart, and my soul... That's a pretty depressing realization.
It may sound dramatic, but honestly I think I'm entitled to feeling a little bit depressed about it. I mean, people follow and love bands with all of their hearts, and I don't see how loving a Korean band is any more ridiculous than loving a band that lives or tours in your own country. People scream and cry and freak out at the prospect of getting to see their favorite bands over here; how is it any different for me to become emotional and long to see a band that is from South Korea? People seem not to take me seriously sometimes [I mean people who know me in real life] because for some reason they think it's silly that I fangirl over these bands, spend my money on them, and am upset when I can't go to see them.
But it is upsetting. I feel like I'm living in the entirely wrong place. I'm into the Korean culture, I love it; it's what I think about, talk about, dream about. These bands are who I follow, who I adore, who I love with all my heart. And I'll never see them.
People say, "If you really wanted to, you'd find a way."
Okay. Maybe you live down Southeast and managed to find a way to LA for the SM Town 2010 concert. Maybe you were able to get up to New York for the JYJ Showcase. That's fine, and great, and I'm glad you're lucky enough to have been able to do that. But not everybody can do that. I live in Alabama, and I can't just get into a car or a plane and go somewhere hours and hours away. I don't have the money. I have to take care of my family. I don't have anywhere to stay. I don't have anyone to go with, and I can not go to New York or LA by myself. These reasons and more, kept me back from seeing my beloved artists. Yes I'm well-aware if I had gotten to go to SM Town 2010 and the NY showcase that means I would have seen all of TVXQ. Yes I know that the future for SM artists is anything but certain, and that these might have been my last chances to see the ones I adore so much. Yes I know that 2AM's first full-length album is a huge, wonderful deal, and that seeing it performed live would be a mindblowing experience.
Thank you very much for reminding me. [I am talking to the rather rude people who seem to find pleasure in flaunting their experiences in my face, but I have the decency not to say anything to about it, because it isn't worth my time.]
I really am happy for the people who get to go. It must be really something, seeing your idols there on stage before you. I'm not envious, nor would I take those experiences from you if it meant I'd get to have them. I would never do that to someone. I just mean, people who judge me for being upset and sad by saying 'Oh, you could have gone if you'd really wanted to,' no I could not have, so please don't say such a thing to me. If there was an ounce of a possibility I could have gone, I would have worked my ass off to get there. But I am also a realist and I know that some things are impossible.
That said, I think I deserve to feel a little bit down. This fandom can be very painful - not just because of the disheartening news that so often surrounds it, but also because it is a fandom I can only ever be a part of from the outside, longing to experience it from the inside, but separated due to finances and location. I'm a part of so many international forums, and each time there is a project for artists, or people establish 'meet up' locations, I can never be a part of that. Like I said, it's like I'm on the outside looking into something my heart so longs to belong to, but I can never truly be a part of.
Here are the artists that I would have liked to have seen before I die:
2AM
FT Island
SHINee
TVXQ [HoMin and JYJ]
Super Junior
Super Junior M
ChoShinSung
I'm not trying to be morbid or get sympathy. I just kind of need to feel sad about it sometimes. It's just when you really love and are into something and there comes a point when you realize, 'Hey. This [collecting merchandise, pictures, spazzing online] is as far as I can go,' it's a bit disheartening. Really disheartening, really.