The Kim Heechul China Travelogue
Disclaimer: I do not own Super Junior.
Pairings: Hanchul with minor kangteuk, kyumin, Yewook
Summary: Kim Heechul’s epic undercover mission to China. In which Kim Heechul flies coach, gets lost in translation, wins a beauty pageant, and stumbles unceremoniously into the love of his life with no less than a hundred costume changes.
Rating: PG-13
Status: 4
Will be in Our Maj, Heechul’s, point of view. For the most part
I used to think there was nothing more embarrassing than Sungmin’s huge ass pink suitcase. Upon arriving in China, I soon realized how wrong I was.
Lugging around Sungmin’s huge ass pink suitcase in a crowded airport definitely tops that.
What was this? Legally Blonde?
Anyway, I consoled myself with the thought that Zhou Mi is probably patiently waiting somewhere, ready to whisk me off to wherever that twit Han Geng is and I can finally get over the various horrors (yes, I’m talking to you oh blonde wig and heels of DOOM) I’ve had to go through.
I tap my foot. Any minute now…
1 minute later
I think I can spare another minute.
BUT NOT ONE SECOND MORE OR THERE IS GOING TO BE BLOODY MURDER.
5 minutes later
Is he lost or something?
2 minutes later
Was I lost, possibly?
1 minute later
I’m not in Guam, aren’t I?
20 seconds later
I’m almost quite certain I’m in China so the question here is…WHERE THE HELL IS HE? I won’t stand for this beastly disregard of the concept of punctuality. I’m going to give that Zhou Mi a piece of my mind.
5 seconds later
After, of course, I get his number from that sharp-tongued bastard Kyuhyun who, by the way, is probably honing his Starcraft skills in Korea while mine rusticates in Dumplingland.
Bastard.
10 minutes later
I’m not quite sure how it happened but some idiot knocked me over, my phone flew off my hand, said phone got kicked about by other various idiots (possibly related to the first idiot thereby proving my unpublished theory about idiot colonies and how they should never have been let loose in the world in the first place, STUPID PRATS) and as I scrambled about in my lethal footwear, I ended up here.
And yes, I do happen to be in a random tour bus.
Not quite sure how it happened but pretty sure I’m screwed.
--
“Yo! Touch man!” I say to the girl sitting next to me.
Clearly, I am a paragon of Korean diplomacy.
So she may have looked at me like I was insane but I like to think that in America, that was a symbol of friendship and we are, what you call it? Part of the same hood?
Hoodmates?
Homies?
Hombres?
Yeah, something like that.
--
So apparently this bus was going to some obscure village festival (If “Tom”, the so-called tour guide, is to be believed but considering we were flailing and gesturing our entire conversation with some English thrown in (NO, YES, THIS IS A CD), there is a lot of room for error here) and if I don’t jump out of the window right now and run the nearest way back to the city, I may never see my cats, my mom, my fans, my bandmates, and did I mention MY CATS, ever again AND IT WILL ALL HAVE BEEN THAT IDIOT ZHOU MI’S FAULT.
--
Thank god for pit stops really or else my broken body would have been lying prone on the road by now due to a botched attempt at jumping out of the window.
And yes, I’ve tried it enough times to know that it’s just not something that works out with me.
“Hey your phone isn’t working, lady.” I tell the ahjumma manning the tiny eatery at the side of the road. For some reason, this apparently upsets her and she starts screaming her head off incoherently (or in Chinese, you never know really).
“ALL RIGHT! I’M SORRY ABOUT YOUR DAMN PHONE! IT’S FINE, IT’S PERFECT, IT’S-“
Just then, she grabs me by the shoulders and turns me around.
Well, fuck, the stupid bus has left me.
--
So stuck in a foreign country with no phone, no bus, no money, no bags, I did what any sane man or man dressed as a woman would do.
“Hey lady, give me anything you got that’s alcoholic. I don’t even care if you give me a hand sanitizer just as long as its got alcohol, got it?” I told the ahjumma. She glared at me and started tutting like nobody’s business before grabbing something from the fridge and slamming it on the table.
“Temper, temper,” I drawled before checking out my drink. “YAH! MILK? YOU GAVE ME MILK? I SAID ALCOHOLIC, LADY, A-L-C-O-H-O-“
Did not expect her to whack me in the head with a fly swatter, I swear.
“I meant, wow milk, I love milk. Thank you so much for this milk which I love and will drink. Right now, drinking milk, right now.” I said as she glared down at me and looking expectantly at my milk. I sipped at the drink hesitantly and wait-
“WOW THIS IS REALLY GOOD.” I gulp it down. “SERIOUSLY, LADY, BEST. MILK. EVER.” She seemed to like this reaction better because she was preening like a peacock.
And then it happens.
Amid this scene with all the milk, and the being left by the bus, and losing my phone and my stuff, and being here in China, just being here and coming so close and then coming up short and this scene, this horribly ridiculous and pathetic situation, in between all of this, the earth moved and the universe realigned and GODAMMIT where is the damn floor when you need it because I’m falling, and falling and it’s like the car accident all over again: breathless, insane, painful, bright.
All because he walked through that rickety door.
Walking-- it’s so simple and easy and almost everyone does it so why is it that when he does it, the whole world drops out from under me?
--
Oh golly I really really missed writing this. Did not really edit this one or even think it through(sorry). XD
Comments below! Ponies for everyone! ^^
Pairings: Hanchul with minor kangteuk, kyumin, Yewook
Summary: Kim Heechul’s epic undercover mission to China. In which Kim Heechul flies coach, gets lost in translation, wins a beauty pageant, and stumbles unceremoniously into the love of his life with no less than a hundred costume changes.
Rating: PG-13
Status: 4
Will be in Our Maj, Heechul’s, point of view. For the most part
I used to think there was nothing more embarrassing than Sungmin’s huge ass pink suitcase. Upon arriving in China, I soon realized how wrong I was.
Lugging around Sungmin’s huge ass pink suitcase in a crowded airport definitely tops that.
What was this? Legally Blonde?
Anyway, I consoled myself with the thought that Zhou Mi is probably patiently waiting somewhere, ready to whisk me off to wherever that twit Han Geng is and I can finally get over the various horrors (yes, I’m talking to you oh blonde wig and heels of DOOM) I’ve had to go through.
I tap my foot. Any minute now…
1 minute later
I think I can spare another minute.
BUT NOT ONE SECOND MORE OR THERE IS GOING TO BE BLOODY MURDER.
5 minutes later
Is he lost or something?
2 minutes later
Was I lost, possibly?
1 minute later
I’m not in Guam, aren’t I?
20 seconds later
I’m almost quite certain I’m in China so the question here is…WHERE THE HELL IS HE? I won’t stand for this beastly disregard of the concept of punctuality. I’m going to give that Zhou Mi a piece of my mind.
5 seconds later
After, of course, I get his number from that sharp-tongued bastard Kyuhyun who, by the way, is probably honing his Starcraft skills in Korea while mine rusticates in Dumplingland.
Bastard.
10 minutes later
I’m not quite sure how it happened but some idiot knocked me over, my phone flew off my hand, said phone got kicked about by other various idiots (possibly related to the first idiot thereby proving my unpublished theory about idiot colonies and how they should never have been let loose in the world in the first place, STUPID PRATS) and as I scrambled about in my lethal footwear, I ended up here.
And yes, I do happen to be in a random tour bus.
Not quite sure how it happened but pretty sure I’m screwed.
--
“Yo! Touch man!” I say to the girl sitting next to me.
Clearly, I am a paragon of Korean diplomacy.
So she may have looked at me like I was insane but I like to think that in America, that was a symbol of friendship and we are, what you call it? Part of the same hood?
Hoodmates?
Homies?
Hombres?
Yeah, something like that.
--
So apparently this bus was going to some obscure village festival (If “Tom”, the so-called tour guide, is to be believed but considering we were flailing and gesturing our entire conversation with some English thrown in (NO, YES, THIS IS A CD), there is a lot of room for error here) and if I don’t jump out of the window right now and run the nearest way back to the city, I may never see my cats, my mom, my fans, my bandmates, and did I mention MY CATS, ever again AND IT WILL ALL HAVE BEEN THAT IDIOT ZHOU MI’S FAULT.
--
Thank god for pit stops really or else my broken body would have been lying prone on the road by now due to a botched attempt at jumping out of the window.
And yes, I’ve tried it enough times to know that it’s just not something that works out with me.
“Hey your phone isn’t working, lady.” I tell the ahjumma manning the tiny eatery at the side of the road. For some reason, this apparently upsets her and she starts screaming her head off incoherently (or in Chinese, you never know really).
“ALL RIGHT! I’M SORRY ABOUT YOUR DAMN PHONE! IT’S FINE, IT’S PERFECT, IT’S-“
Just then, she grabs me by the shoulders and turns me around.
Well, fuck, the stupid bus has left me.
--
So stuck in a foreign country with no phone, no bus, no money, no bags, I did what any sane man or man dressed as a woman would do.
“Hey lady, give me anything you got that’s alcoholic. I don’t even care if you give me a hand sanitizer just as long as its got alcohol, got it?” I told the ahjumma. She glared at me and started tutting like nobody’s business before grabbing something from the fridge and slamming it on the table.
“Temper, temper,” I drawled before checking out my drink. “YAH! MILK? YOU GAVE ME MILK? I SAID ALCOHOLIC, LADY, A-L-C-O-H-O-“
Did not expect her to whack me in the head with a fly swatter, I swear.
“I meant, wow milk, I love milk. Thank you so much for this milk which I love and will drink. Right now, drinking milk, right now.” I said as she glared down at me and looking expectantly at my milk. I sipped at the drink hesitantly and wait-
“WOW THIS IS REALLY GOOD.” I gulp it down. “SERIOUSLY, LADY, BEST. MILK. EVER.” She seemed to like this reaction better because she was preening like a peacock.
And then it happens.
Amid this scene with all the milk, and the being left by the bus, and losing my phone and my stuff, and being here in China, just being here and coming so close and then coming up short and this scene, this horribly ridiculous and pathetic situation, in between all of this, the earth moved and the universe realigned and GODAMMIT where is the damn floor when you need it because I’m falling, and falling and it’s like the car accident all over again: breathless, insane, painful, bright.
All because he walked through that rickety door.
Walking-- it’s so simple and easy and almost everyone does it so why is it that when he does it, the whole world drops out from under me?
--
Oh golly I really really missed writing this. Did not really edit this one or even think it through(sorry). XD
Comments below! Ponies for everyone! ^^