The Kim Heechul China Travelogue
Disclaimer: I do not own Super Junior.
Pairings: Hanchul with minor kangteuk, kyumin, Yewook
Summary: Kim Heechul’s epic undercover mission to China. In which Kim Heechul flies coach, gets lost in translation, wins a beauty pageant, and stumbles unceremoniously into the love of his life with no less than a hundred costume changes.
Rating: PG-13
Status: 3
Will be in Our Maj, Heechul’s, point of view. For the most part.
Part 1 Part 2 Part 2.5
Part 3
Once when I was a young lad, my parents locked me in a coatroom.
Now I know what you’re thinking. Could this possibly be a shocking expose’ of my secret traumatic childhood?
Possibly.
Now my parents, when faced with these accusations, would insist that they had not been aware that I was staging a kind of civil disobedience strike by hiding inside the coatroom (They wouldn’t let me get a cat, okay?) so they locked the door when they left the house.
I stand by my original statement: Parental Neglect. But anyway.
Whatever the reason, the result was still the same. After spending hours trapped and jumping at every shadow and sound, I’ve developed an extreme aversion to enclosed spaces.
As well as of checkered wool coats but that’s another story.
Back to my current predicament, I was still rooted on the same spot and undergoing shock. Apparently, Leeteuk that cheap, cheap bastard scrimped out on me by buying me a seat in coach. Now before I could dismember Super Junior’s beloved leader in my mind, I remembered what my uncle used to say about anger management. He told me to count to ten. Now I realize it’s not exactly wise to follow instructions from a man who was sent to prison for going berserk on a herd of cattle but I had nothing so I counted to ten.
And then to twenty. Thirty. Forty. Clearly, this isn’t working for me.
I was imagining all kinds of horrors that awaited me as I looked for my seat, passing by a variety of wailing kids, some nuns, noisy foreigners, and old codgers who ogled me like I was a piece of lamb.
True enough, I was not disappointed.
“Woahh…” Two pubescent idiots exclaimed when they saw me.
Great, just great. Apparently, I was also going to be a victim of molestation.
“What’s your ideal type?” Idiot #1 asked as soon as I sat down (against my better judgement).
“Are you a 2PM kind of girl?” Idiot #2 added at which point he started flexing his (non-existent) muscles.
“Or does SHINee turn you on?” Idiot #1 asked, shoving wannabe Taec away just as he was about to perform a rendition of Heartbeat. He added, “Because people have said I look like that Key guy.”
Did those people happen to be, in any way or form, clinically blind? I wanted to ask. However, I chose that time to become an instrument of peace (Damn you, Siwon) so instead I left the two dingbats and went to the rest room.
I was just about done with the rest room when I heard yelling and general commotion.
What fresh hell is thi-
“HANDS UP IN THE AIR, BLONDIE.”
So I learned something new today. Clearly, it was not wise to saunter into a commotion equipped with nothing especially when said commotion is due to a psycho.
A psycho who happened to be holding a gun.
A gun that was currently aimed at me.
Because, apparently, everyone was smart enough to drop on the floor and cower in fear WHILE EVERYTHING BAD IN THE WORLD JUST HAPPENS TO ME BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON I MUST HAVE OFFENDED SIWON’S GOD AND AM NOW GOING TO PAY FOR MY OFFENSES VIA GETTING SHOT AND BLEEDING TO DEATH AND JESSICA (the real one) IS GOING TO KILL ME BECAUSE HER BLOUSE IS GOING TO BE RUINED BUT THAT’S IRRELEVANT CONSIDERING I WOULD LIKELY BE TOO DEAD TO CARE OH FUCK, OH FUCK OH CRAPPITY CRAPPITY FU-
Suddenly, a loud wail came from nowhere and everyone turned to gape at Idiot #1 who was clearly dropped on the head at birth otherwise he wouldn’t be stupidly playing the hero by launching himself at the psycho with a gun.
AND MISSING. BY LIKE A FOOT.
The psycho stared at LE IDIOT who was now flat on his face after his considerable failure at “rescuing” me. WE ALL DID. And while we were all distracted, Idiot #2 brandished a pan and slammed it on the psycho’s head.
I don’t know if I was amazed by the fact that the two Idiots have just saved my ass and therefore must serve a previously unseen purpose or by the startling discovery that Idiot #2 carries a pan around. I smell a fetish, yes I do.
And let me just say this for the history books, the psycho dropped like a freaking stone.
Silence.
And then chaos. Suddenly, there was cheering and hugging and jostling and jumping and fist-pumping and shirt-ripping and crying and what-have-you.
I’m starting to think this was all an elaborate plan to make me as uncomfortable as possible. Seriously. Thankfully, the celebration died down with the arrival of security and stewardesses WHO WERE SUPSPICIOUSLY ABSENT throughout the whole ordeal, if I may say so.
“Excuse me, miss?” One annoyingly perky stewardess said as she sidled up to me. I cock an eyebrow. “We would like to apologize for any inconveniences that have happened to you.” She added.
It would seem that, to them, my nearly getting shot was all just a big inconvenience. I am going to cut her, I swear to Siwon’s God.
“We would also like to offer you a seat in first class as compensation.”
I love her. I really do. She is clearly a woman of finesse, a goddess of the airways, etc, etc.
--
I take it back. She seated me right next to LE IDIOTS who were also given seats for their “heroism” when obviously, the pan did all the work back there and they haven’t stopped pestering me ever since.
Did I really need to see their rendition of Noona Neomu Yeppeo? No, I did not.
When a voice announced that we were landing on China despite the vagaries of fate, I admittedly teared up a bit. Just a bit.
---
Can I just say how glad I am that this part is finally FINALLY OVER? Because I am! *throws confetti*
It was getting ridiculously difficult to write so I was like what the heck, whatever. LOL. ^^
Puppies for everyone who made it! *does dance*
Pairings: Hanchul with minor kangteuk, kyumin, Yewook
Summary: Kim Heechul’s epic undercover mission to China. In which Kim Heechul flies coach, gets lost in translation, wins a beauty pageant, and stumbles unceremoniously into the love of his life with no less than a hundred costume changes.
Rating: PG-13
Status: 3
Will be in Our Maj, Heechul’s, point of view. For the most part.
Part 1 Part 2 Part 2.5
Part 3
Once when I was a young lad, my parents locked me in a coatroom.
Now I know what you’re thinking. Could this possibly be a shocking expose’ of my secret traumatic childhood?
Possibly.
Now my parents, when faced with these accusations, would insist that they had not been aware that I was staging a kind of civil disobedience strike by hiding inside the coatroom (They wouldn’t let me get a cat, okay?) so they locked the door when they left the house.
I stand by my original statement: Parental Neglect. But anyway.
Whatever the reason, the result was still the same. After spending hours trapped and jumping at every shadow and sound, I’ve developed an extreme aversion to enclosed spaces.
As well as of checkered wool coats but that’s another story.
Back to my current predicament, I was still rooted on the same spot and undergoing shock. Apparently, Leeteuk that cheap, cheap bastard scrimped out on me by buying me a seat in coach. Now before I could dismember Super Junior’s beloved leader in my mind, I remembered what my uncle used to say about anger management. He told me to count to ten. Now I realize it’s not exactly wise to follow instructions from a man who was sent to prison for going berserk on a herd of cattle but I had nothing so I counted to ten.
And then to twenty. Thirty. Forty. Clearly, this isn’t working for me.
I was imagining all kinds of horrors that awaited me as I looked for my seat, passing by a variety of wailing kids, some nuns, noisy foreigners, and old codgers who ogled me like I was a piece of lamb.
True enough, I was not disappointed.
“Woahh…” Two pubescent idiots exclaimed when they saw me.
Great, just great. Apparently, I was also going to be a victim of molestation.
“What’s your ideal type?” Idiot #1 asked as soon as I sat down (against my better judgement).
“Are you a 2PM kind of girl?” Idiot #2 added at which point he started flexing his (non-existent) muscles.
“Or does SHINee turn you on?” Idiot #1 asked, shoving wannabe Taec away just as he was about to perform a rendition of Heartbeat. He added, “Because people have said I look like that Key guy.”
Did those people happen to be, in any way or form, clinically blind? I wanted to ask. However, I chose that time to become an instrument of peace (Damn you, Siwon) so instead I left the two dingbats and went to the rest room.
I was just about done with the rest room when I heard yelling and general commotion.
What fresh hell is thi-
“HANDS UP IN THE AIR, BLONDIE.”
So I learned something new today. Clearly, it was not wise to saunter into a commotion equipped with nothing especially when said commotion is due to a psycho.
A psycho who happened to be holding a gun.
A gun that was currently aimed at me.
Because, apparently, everyone was smart enough to drop on the floor and cower in fear WHILE EVERYTHING BAD IN THE WORLD JUST HAPPENS TO ME BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON I MUST HAVE OFFENDED SIWON’S GOD AND AM NOW GOING TO PAY FOR MY OFFENSES VIA GETTING SHOT AND BLEEDING TO DEATH AND JESSICA (the real one) IS GOING TO KILL ME BECAUSE HER BLOUSE IS GOING TO BE RUINED BUT THAT’S IRRELEVANT CONSIDERING I WOULD LIKELY BE TOO DEAD TO CARE OH FUCK, OH FUCK OH CRAPPITY CRAPPITY FU-
Suddenly, a loud wail came from nowhere and everyone turned to gape at Idiot #1 who was clearly dropped on the head at birth otherwise he wouldn’t be stupidly playing the hero by launching himself at the psycho with a gun.
AND MISSING. BY LIKE A FOOT.
The psycho stared at LE IDIOT who was now flat on his face after his considerable failure at “rescuing” me. WE ALL DID. And while we were all distracted, Idiot #2 brandished a pan and slammed it on the psycho’s head.
I don’t know if I was amazed by the fact that the two Idiots have just saved my ass and therefore must serve a previously unseen purpose or by the startling discovery that Idiot #2 carries a pan around. I smell a fetish, yes I do.
And let me just say this for the history books, the psycho dropped like a freaking stone.
Silence.
And then chaos. Suddenly, there was cheering and hugging and jostling and jumping and fist-pumping and shirt-ripping and crying and what-have-you.
I’m starting to think this was all an elaborate plan to make me as uncomfortable as possible. Seriously. Thankfully, the celebration died down with the arrival of security and stewardesses WHO WERE SUPSPICIOUSLY ABSENT throughout the whole ordeal, if I may say so.
“Excuse me, miss?” One annoyingly perky stewardess said as she sidled up to me. I cock an eyebrow. “We would like to apologize for any inconveniences that have happened to you.” She added.
It would seem that, to them, my nearly getting shot was all just a big inconvenience. I am going to cut her, I swear to Siwon’s God.
“We would also like to offer you a seat in first class as compensation.”
I love her. I really do. She is clearly a woman of finesse, a goddess of the airways, etc, etc.
--
I take it back. She seated me right next to LE IDIOTS who were also given seats for their “heroism” when obviously, the pan did all the work back there and they haven’t stopped pestering me ever since.
Did I really need to see their rendition of Noona Neomu Yeppeo? No, I did not.
When a voice announced that we were landing on China despite the vagaries of fate, I admittedly teared up a bit. Just a bit.
---
Can I just say how glad I am that this part is finally FINALLY OVER? Because I am! *throws confetti*
It was getting ridiculously difficult to write so I was like what the heck, whatever. LOL. ^^
Puppies for everyone who made it! *does dance*