[Fic] You are welcome to stay (in this silence)
Title : [Fic] You are welcome to stay (In this silence) - Part 1
Pairing : Ohno/Nino (past Okada/Nino)
Rating : R
Summary : For years, he thought he could live with just loving him from afar. But his friend’s death didn’t only turn their lives around, it was bound to change his life forever.
Word count : around 2200 words
Note : Stay safe, everyone!
It’s almost dark by the time he reached the house, something he would have been grateful for if not for the fact that he’d been on edge all day, clearly with no means of it ending anytime soon.
Somehow, he knew exactly who to blame.
Ninomiya Kazunari had sounded the same when he heard his voice on the phone earlier, and Ohno would be lying if he said he wasn’t affected. He hadn’t expected the call, or the invitation, though both didn’t come as surprise either. Today marked the second anniversary of Okada’s death, and despite his plans not to show up this time around for that dinner held annually in Okada’s memory, Nino, obviously, had other ideas.
He ditched using his job as an excuse; Nino was obviously in contact with someone on his team for that lame reason to work, since it was Nino himself who mentioned his upcoming week-long leave. He’d planned on dropping by for a quick chat, sure, but that was it. He never quite trusted himself to be around Nino for too long, especially after the last time he’d came over and he saw how vulnerable Nino still was, a year after Okada’s death.
He’d made his promise, sure, but it was difficult to keep it when he knew himself enough not to screw up. Okada obviously didn’t mean it like that, when he made him promise to look after Nino should something bad happened to him, and no matter how tempted he was to take on the offer when Okada died, there was no way he could do that to the man he’d spent years loving in silence.
He hadn’t seen Nino in almost a year, but that didn’t mean he’d gotten over his feelings for him either. Quite frankly, it was the opposite, since there wasn’t a day he didn’t think of Nino, wondering how he was doing. They do message each other from time to time, but that’s mostly one sided; he would reply only occasionally, only if it the message he received was extremely important, because Ohno thought it was better that way.
For Nino, especially.
He’d rather watch Nino from afar, love him in silence the way he’d done so for so long, if only to keep him safe. Nino had been left alone, suddenly and unexpectedly, miserable and heartbroken after Okada’s death, and pursuing Nino, knowing how equally dangerous his job was would be cruel, no matter how much he wanted to.
The trouble was that he didn’t count Nino to be the one to reach out when he’d decided to stay away. He did so for the same reason he had when he kept his distance after the first time they met, and for a completely different ones now that his best friend, and the man Nino’s in love with was dead.
You can’t bail out on me this time, Oh-chan, Nino had said on the phone this morning, when he’d been barely awake to deal with his confusion, and admittedly, his hard-on, while Nino talked his ears off so early.
I know you’re not planning on showing up to dinner, which, okay, I get why, and well, sure, suit yourself, but that doesn’t mean I’m letting you off the hook so easily. Ditch the dinner, I don’t mind. But come drink with me afterwards. We’ll catch up then.
Of course, he’d declined. He had to. God knew what would happen if he agreed. Getting drunk with Nino? Just the two of them? Talk about disaster waiting to happen. Instead, he proposed something else. Lunch the next day, in that restaurant the three of them used to go to before the accident. Nino didn’t agree but he didn’t say no, either, and just sighed as if saying Ohno was being unfair.
He probably was, sure, but that was just him trying his best to protect Nino. From the situation, from himself. That wasn’t that hard to understand, was it?
He was both dreading and anticipating this day even before he received the call earlier today, and it wasn’t to say that the mere thought of seeing the other man after so long was wrecking havoc to his senses despite the fact that he was trying his best to suppress it. He didn’t want to be mean, but what could he do besides that?
He sighed and absently unlocked his front door one-handedly, while balancing the six-pack he’d managed to buy earlier on his way home. He was used to drinking his frustration away, but tonight’s clearly harder than most nights. Hearing Nino’s voice earlier surely had that effect on him, and it was rather stupid of him to think that getting drunk to forget was the brightest decision he could came up, but he was sticking to it.
That, or deciding on taking Nino’s offer, call him back and told him he was on his way. But no. No, he couldn’t do that. Even though that was exactly what he wanted to.
He’d just finished stuffing the beers in to his fridge when his phone rang for the second time today, groaning quietly as he checked who was calling. Thankfully, it wasn’t Nino.
“Ohno.” He answered after the third ring.
“I’m guessing you’re sticking to your plan, then? You didn’t go?” Sho inquired, sounding amused.
“No.”
“Dude, you do know you’re being stupid, right? I mean, he’s clearly trying to tell you something, inviting you over for drinks after dinner, which you’re supposed to attend as well. Don’t be dumb and call him back.”
He grimaced, then realized Sho couldn’t actually see him so he tried to remedy it by grunting instead. “You know I can’t do that.” He said.
“Why not?”
“You know why,” he sighed, wondering if it was better to hang up and just deal with Sho’s nagging the next time they saw each other, but thought better of it. “Ninomiya-san doesn’t need another complication in his life on top of what he’d just gotten himself out from. He deserves someone else, someone better. Obviously, that’s not me.”
“You say that as if you know.”
“Course I do,” he retorted. At least that part, he knew better than anyone else. He’d watched over Nino for a long time to know Nino was never going to look at him the way he’d look at Okada, for the way he’d loved Okada even after his death.
Well, that wasn’t it, really. Personality wise, he and Okada were two very different individuals. If he remembered it correctly, Nino had never gotten used to his presence in his and Okada’s life, and that was also the reason why he’d decided to keep his distance. Though Nino tried to be polite, he hadn’t managed to hide the fact that Ohno’s presence bothered him. He always seemed skittish when Ohno came over to visit him and Okada, awkward, as if the very thought of Ohno around was frightening him as much as it was bothering him.
Ohno couldn’t really blame him.
“Honestly, dude, quit over-thinking things and just, I don’t know, talk to him? I mean, if it doesn’t actually work out, then at least you had a chance to get rid of that itch, problem solved, right? Still, you won’t know until you try. It’s all I’m saying.”
“It’s not just about sex, Sho-kun,” he murmured, half-hoping it was that simple. Only, it wasn’t.
“Maybe it’s the same for him,” Sho-kun countered, voice quiet, and his very unexpected countenance had Ohno smiling despite himself. “Maybe, you’re not the only one thinking it’s impossible. But you won’t ever know if that’s the case if you’re not going to talk to him, right?”
He chuckled, briefly ran out of words to say. It had been too easy to hope, especially during the first few months of Okada’s death. He’d been there for Nino, had tried his very best to fulfill his promise to look after him, but somehow, it just hit him. The reality that he couldn’t give Nino the time and attention he deserved, mostly because of his job. Plus the fact that it felt as if he was betraying his friend for thinking he could replace him so easily in Nino’s life.
So, he stayed away.
But clearly, he couldn’t do the same for so long.
“I - don’t want to hurt him,” he managed to say, hesitant in a way he’d really rather not.
“You never know, you might be hurting him now by doing this. Isn’t it better to just be brave and ask him, for once?”
He sighed. Be brave? Hah! His job required him to put his life on the line every goddamn time, so it goes without saying that he was that and more. He had to be, in order to stay alive. But the thought of talking to Nino face to face, to tell him he’d been in love with him for as long as he could remember, terrified him in ways he couldn’t explain.
But, honesty? Could he do it? If that was Nino needed, the only thing he could offer Nino, he knew he could do it. He guessed that would be what being brave meant, too.
“I - guess I could…do that,” he answered, only half-wondering if he could.
“Well, if he ended up punching you in the face afterward, the tequila’s on me the next time we see each other. Just saying.”
“Yeah, fuck you very much.”
“I know. Do your best, yeah? And call me if you need a quick visit to the dentist after you two talked. Or the orthopedic doctor. I heard Okada-san trained Ninomiya-san himself so he must be good at breaking people’s bones. Well, either way, just be careful. It’s not good for your reputation if your deceased partner’s ex-lover ended up breaking your nose for no apparent reason. Everyone would surely make fun of you at work.” Sho said, and hang up before he could even think of saying something to him in return.
He chuckled, shook his head. Trust Sho to make him feel better despite knowing how goddamn complicated things were spiraling into. He’d tried his best to avoid this, not think about it if he could, which he hadn’t really been successful with, all things considered. Still, Sho might think it was that easy; it wasn’t. His complicated emotions aside, he’d always been certain he wasn’t what Nino needed. After Okada, especially.
Nino needed someone to be there for him, everytime he needed that person. And that obviously wasn’t him. He couldn’t offer Nino that, the time and the devotion Nino deserved. Even if that was the exact same thing he wanted to give Nino, the world even, if he could.
God, what was he supposed to do?
He went back to the direction of the kitchen to get himself a drink, uncaring if the beer wasn’t as cold as he preferred it to be. He needed a drink while he think things through, while he decide on what he should tell Nino when they meet each other for lunch tomorrow.
He’d just managed to pull the fridge door open when he heard the sound of a car pulling over his front porch, pausing to give the can of beer a look before he remembered to take his eyes away from it just in time for him to catch the sound of someone knocking on the door. His feet and body moving on autopilot, he crossed the relatively close distance between the kitchen to the front door in record-breaking speed.
His instincts told him to be careful, but the painfully familiar sound of his visitor’s voice calling from outside the door had him kicking said instinct in the balls and shoving it aside as he quickly dove for the door to open it.
Ninomiya Kazunari stood there, smiling and looking ten thousand times prettier than the last time he saw him. His heart stuttered in his chest, and for a moment there, he wondered if the darn thing ended up beating its way up his throat feeling the way his throat closed up as he stared Nino over in awed silence.
“Good evening, Oh-chan,” Nino greeted, holding up his hand and revealing the same six-pack beer Ohno bought himself earlier. “I know you’re not expecting me, but I bought us drinks and some peanuts. Care to let me in so we could chill these in your fridge while I cook us dinner? I’m sure you haven’t had dinner yet, so am I, so, what do you think?”
“I - Nino?”
“Yes, the one and only,” Nino said, grinning like he was thoroughly enjoying the look of pure shock on Ohno’s face. “I know you’re wondering why I’m here when I’m supposed to be at dinner, sure, I’ll explain it to you. But how about you let me in first? I’m starving, and I’m hoping you have at least a couple of instant noodles there to feed me. Before we drink the rest of the night away, of course. So, can I come in?”
He didn’t have to be asked twice, barely resisting the urge to run towards the opposite direction when Nino smiled and started toeing his shoes off, right there in the front of Ohno’s porch and helping himself on the visitors’ slippers there, but not before handing the beers at Ohno.
Ohno mentally cursed. It was going to be one hell of a long night.
Pairing : Ohno/Nino (past Okada/Nino)
Rating : R
Summary : For years, he thought he could live with just loving him from afar. But his friend’s death didn’t only turn their lives around, it was bound to change his life forever.
Word count : around 2200 words
Note : Stay safe, everyone!
It’s almost dark by the time he reached the house, something he would have been grateful for if not for the fact that he’d been on edge all day, clearly with no means of it ending anytime soon.
Somehow, he knew exactly who to blame.
Ninomiya Kazunari had sounded the same when he heard his voice on the phone earlier, and Ohno would be lying if he said he wasn’t affected. He hadn’t expected the call, or the invitation, though both didn’t come as surprise either. Today marked the second anniversary of Okada’s death, and despite his plans not to show up this time around for that dinner held annually in Okada’s memory, Nino, obviously, had other ideas.
He ditched using his job as an excuse; Nino was obviously in contact with someone on his team for that lame reason to work, since it was Nino himself who mentioned his upcoming week-long leave. He’d planned on dropping by for a quick chat, sure, but that was it. He never quite trusted himself to be around Nino for too long, especially after the last time he’d came over and he saw how vulnerable Nino still was, a year after Okada’s death.
He’d made his promise, sure, but it was difficult to keep it when he knew himself enough not to screw up. Okada obviously didn’t mean it like that, when he made him promise to look after Nino should something bad happened to him, and no matter how tempted he was to take on the offer when Okada died, there was no way he could do that to the man he’d spent years loving in silence.
He hadn’t seen Nino in almost a year, but that didn’t mean he’d gotten over his feelings for him either. Quite frankly, it was the opposite, since there wasn’t a day he didn’t think of Nino, wondering how he was doing. They do message each other from time to time, but that’s mostly one sided; he would reply only occasionally, only if it the message he received was extremely important, because Ohno thought it was better that way.
For Nino, especially.
He’d rather watch Nino from afar, love him in silence the way he’d done so for so long, if only to keep him safe. Nino had been left alone, suddenly and unexpectedly, miserable and heartbroken after Okada’s death, and pursuing Nino, knowing how equally dangerous his job was would be cruel, no matter how much he wanted to.
The trouble was that he didn’t count Nino to be the one to reach out when he’d decided to stay away. He did so for the same reason he had when he kept his distance after the first time they met, and for a completely different ones now that his best friend, and the man Nino’s in love with was dead.
You can’t bail out on me this time, Oh-chan, Nino had said on the phone this morning, when he’d been barely awake to deal with his confusion, and admittedly, his hard-on, while Nino talked his ears off so early.
I know you’re not planning on showing up to dinner, which, okay, I get why, and well, sure, suit yourself, but that doesn’t mean I’m letting you off the hook so easily. Ditch the dinner, I don’t mind. But come drink with me afterwards. We’ll catch up then.
Of course, he’d declined. He had to. God knew what would happen if he agreed. Getting drunk with Nino? Just the two of them? Talk about disaster waiting to happen. Instead, he proposed something else. Lunch the next day, in that restaurant the three of them used to go to before the accident. Nino didn’t agree but he didn’t say no, either, and just sighed as if saying Ohno was being unfair.
He probably was, sure, but that was just him trying his best to protect Nino. From the situation, from himself. That wasn’t that hard to understand, was it?
He was both dreading and anticipating this day even before he received the call earlier today, and it wasn’t to say that the mere thought of seeing the other man after so long was wrecking havoc to his senses despite the fact that he was trying his best to suppress it. He didn’t want to be mean, but what could he do besides that?
He sighed and absently unlocked his front door one-handedly, while balancing the six-pack he’d managed to buy earlier on his way home. He was used to drinking his frustration away, but tonight’s clearly harder than most nights. Hearing Nino’s voice earlier surely had that effect on him, and it was rather stupid of him to think that getting drunk to forget was the brightest decision he could came up, but he was sticking to it.
That, or deciding on taking Nino’s offer, call him back and told him he was on his way. But no. No, he couldn’t do that. Even though that was exactly what he wanted to.
He’d just finished stuffing the beers in to his fridge when his phone rang for the second time today, groaning quietly as he checked who was calling. Thankfully, it wasn’t Nino.
“Ohno.” He answered after the third ring.
“I’m guessing you’re sticking to your plan, then? You didn’t go?” Sho inquired, sounding amused.
“No.”
“Dude, you do know you’re being stupid, right? I mean, he’s clearly trying to tell you something, inviting you over for drinks after dinner, which you’re supposed to attend as well. Don’t be dumb and call him back.”
He grimaced, then realized Sho couldn’t actually see him so he tried to remedy it by grunting instead. “You know I can’t do that.” He said.
“Why not?”
“You know why,” he sighed, wondering if it was better to hang up and just deal with Sho’s nagging the next time they saw each other, but thought better of it. “Ninomiya-san doesn’t need another complication in his life on top of what he’d just gotten himself out from. He deserves someone else, someone better. Obviously, that’s not me.”
“You say that as if you know.”
“Course I do,” he retorted. At least that part, he knew better than anyone else. He’d watched over Nino for a long time to know Nino was never going to look at him the way he’d look at Okada, for the way he’d loved Okada even after his death.
Well, that wasn’t it, really. Personality wise, he and Okada were two very different individuals. If he remembered it correctly, Nino had never gotten used to his presence in his and Okada’s life, and that was also the reason why he’d decided to keep his distance. Though Nino tried to be polite, he hadn’t managed to hide the fact that Ohno’s presence bothered him. He always seemed skittish when Ohno came over to visit him and Okada, awkward, as if the very thought of Ohno around was frightening him as much as it was bothering him.
Ohno couldn’t really blame him.
“Honestly, dude, quit over-thinking things and just, I don’t know, talk to him? I mean, if it doesn’t actually work out, then at least you had a chance to get rid of that itch, problem solved, right? Still, you won’t know until you try. It’s all I’m saying.”
“It’s not just about sex, Sho-kun,” he murmured, half-hoping it was that simple. Only, it wasn’t.
“Maybe it’s the same for him,” Sho-kun countered, voice quiet, and his very unexpected countenance had Ohno smiling despite himself. “Maybe, you’re not the only one thinking it’s impossible. But you won’t ever know if that’s the case if you’re not going to talk to him, right?”
He chuckled, briefly ran out of words to say. It had been too easy to hope, especially during the first few months of Okada’s death. He’d been there for Nino, had tried his very best to fulfill his promise to look after him, but somehow, it just hit him. The reality that he couldn’t give Nino the time and attention he deserved, mostly because of his job. Plus the fact that it felt as if he was betraying his friend for thinking he could replace him so easily in Nino’s life.
So, he stayed away.
But clearly, he couldn’t do the same for so long.
“I - don’t want to hurt him,” he managed to say, hesitant in a way he’d really rather not.
“You never know, you might be hurting him now by doing this. Isn’t it better to just be brave and ask him, for once?”
He sighed. Be brave? Hah! His job required him to put his life on the line every goddamn time, so it goes without saying that he was that and more. He had to be, in order to stay alive. But the thought of talking to Nino face to face, to tell him he’d been in love with him for as long as he could remember, terrified him in ways he couldn’t explain.
But, honesty? Could he do it? If that was Nino needed, the only thing he could offer Nino, he knew he could do it. He guessed that would be what being brave meant, too.
“I - guess I could…do that,” he answered, only half-wondering if he could.
“Well, if he ended up punching you in the face afterward, the tequila’s on me the next time we see each other. Just saying.”
“Yeah, fuck you very much.”
“I know. Do your best, yeah? And call me if you need a quick visit to the dentist after you two talked. Or the orthopedic doctor. I heard Okada-san trained Ninomiya-san himself so he must be good at breaking people’s bones. Well, either way, just be careful. It’s not good for your reputation if your deceased partner’s ex-lover ended up breaking your nose for no apparent reason. Everyone would surely make fun of you at work.” Sho said, and hang up before he could even think of saying something to him in return.
He chuckled, shook his head. Trust Sho to make him feel better despite knowing how goddamn complicated things were spiraling into. He’d tried his best to avoid this, not think about it if he could, which he hadn’t really been successful with, all things considered. Still, Sho might think it was that easy; it wasn’t. His complicated emotions aside, he’d always been certain he wasn’t what Nino needed. After Okada, especially.
Nino needed someone to be there for him, everytime he needed that person. And that obviously wasn’t him. He couldn’t offer Nino that, the time and the devotion Nino deserved. Even if that was the exact same thing he wanted to give Nino, the world even, if he could.
God, what was he supposed to do?
He went back to the direction of the kitchen to get himself a drink, uncaring if the beer wasn’t as cold as he preferred it to be. He needed a drink while he think things through, while he decide on what he should tell Nino when they meet each other for lunch tomorrow.
He’d just managed to pull the fridge door open when he heard the sound of a car pulling over his front porch, pausing to give the can of beer a look before he remembered to take his eyes away from it just in time for him to catch the sound of someone knocking on the door. His feet and body moving on autopilot, he crossed the relatively close distance between the kitchen to the front door in record-breaking speed.
His instincts told him to be careful, but the painfully familiar sound of his visitor’s voice calling from outside the door had him kicking said instinct in the balls and shoving it aside as he quickly dove for the door to open it.
Ninomiya Kazunari stood there, smiling and looking ten thousand times prettier than the last time he saw him. His heart stuttered in his chest, and for a moment there, he wondered if the darn thing ended up beating its way up his throat feeling the way his throat closed up as he stared Nino over in awed silence.
“Good evening, Oh-chan,” Nino greeted, holding up his hand and revealing the same six-pack beer Ohno bought himself earlier. “I know you’re not expecting me, but I bought us drinks and some peanuts. Care to let me in so we could chill these in your fridge while I cook us dinner? I’m sure you haven’t had dinner yet, so am I, so, what do you think?”
“I - Nino?”
“Yes, the one and only,” Nino said, grinning like he was thoroughly enjoying the look of pure shock on Ohno’s face. “I know you’re wondering why I’m here when I’m supposed to be at dinner, sure, I’ll explain it to you. But how about you let me in first? I’m starving, and I’m hoping you have at least a couple of instant noodles there to feed me. Before we drink the rest of the night away, of course. So, can I come in?”
He didn’t have to be asked twice, barely resisting the urge to run towards the opposite direction when Nino smiled and started toeing his shoes off, right there in the front of Ohno’s porch and helping himself on the visitors’ slippers there, but not before handing the beers at Ohno.
Ohno mentally cursed. It was going to be one hell of a long night.