let me just say a few things
I had never been the type of person to dwell on the past, but something in recent events has made the images of the past cascade before like a tweaked out projector. I have been trying to reconcile all my past relationship choices and how I've thought and felt in the past. I think about compatibility and the contacts that I've lost, I wonder if had history been different, would I have stayed with this person and prolonged an even worse problem? My better logic tells me yes, that every severed relationship or bitter ending has a moral that gets branded into us. Sometimes I'm horrified because I think about the things I'd said or done before then I see myself as a vicious monster. I can't even relate to the past me. I faced so much difficulty and strife in college, under the pressure to succeed and rise above, that it cost me dearly. As a result of my lifestyle, I felt like I abused those that truly loved me. It seems only fair that at this stage of life, I have encountered the exact opposite. There was someone inside of whom I saw a true inner struggle, similar to my own, and I was compelled to reach out to them. Over and over again, I was burned and my hand was bitten, but there was an inner drive and hope that once the inner struggle had ended, an outer peace would fall like snow and frost over the turbulent past. That hope was completely wrong. I now doubt that those with inner struggles can ever make important relationship connections. Those that deny it will continue through life and feel an inner mounting flame of angst. So the question is how do we resolve our inner issues? What about attraction? Personalities, sexuality, or what-have-you: Are we calibrated to attract ourselves to the right people? Sometimes those we perceive as outgoing and friendly have massive problems with self-esteem and assurance. Maybe those we perceive as calm and reflective are despondent and troubled. It's a never ending cycle of disappointment.
So what about my relationship status? Let me name the unnameable. I just broke a love which I felt was the closest to unconditional I have ever experienced. I didn't realize it was this way until the bond was severed. I wanted nothing except their presence and peace. I knew that what relationship we built had survived on patience and understanding; that I wanted to make habitual. Once this ended, I finally opened my mind to a world of doubt which had coalesced, unbeknown to me. So why do I regret? a) I deny the time and effort of this creation was for naught. b) I didn't have the chance to perfect things. c) I finally suspect I might be the problem, here.
As a result I have opened my mind. I know I desire a lover. For me, now, this person is like a confidant, one to whom I turn to abandon the pressures of school and life. I admit that this is selfish and convenient. I have no agenda for short or long term goals, but I'm prioritizing my immediate needs because I feel that unconditional love is tempered by the trials of coexistence. Maybe in the past, I was wrong to be specific in my hopes for the future. To seal a fate on that which is indeterminable is ironic and doomed for disappointment.
So what about my relationship status? Let me name the unnameable. I just broke a love which I felt was the closest to unconditional I have ever experienced. I didn't realize it was this way until the bond was severed. I wanted nothing except their presence and peace. I knew that what relationship we built had survived on patience and understanding; that I wanted to make habitual. Once this ended, I finally opened my mind to a world of doubt which had coalesced, unbeknown to me. So why do I regret? a) I deny the time and effort of this creation was for naught. b) I didn't have the chance to perfect things. c) I finally suspect I might be the problem, here.
As a result I have opened my mind. I know I desire a lover. For me, now, this person is like a confidant, one to whom I turn to abandon the pressures of school and life. I admit that this is selfish and convenient. I have no agenda for short or long term goals, but I'm prioritizing my immediate needs because I feel that unconditional love is tempered by the trials of coexistence. Maybe in the past, I was wrong to be specific in my hopes for the future. To seal a fate on that which is indeterminable is ironic and doomed for disappointment.