(no subject)
it used to hurt so much when he used to hurt me. anytime and everytime something was said, about another woman, or about his lack of interest, or anything like that; it would feel like dying. his words would hit me, even if they were words in the form of text on a cellphone screen, like a slap. my stomach would give out and it would feel like being stabbed, like being punched, like being fucked. my stomach and my throat and my heart, burning with pain.
it doesn't hurt like that anymore. now it's more of a dull ache, a nausea; still in my throat and my stomach and my heart, but not with the severity of old times. not enough to knock me off my feet, to make me flinch, to make me lose my composure. the last time i had that stabbing feeling, was tonight, at my own thoughts, and before that; september 15, 2007. making it absolutely clear to him that i was leaving the next day, that it would be the last chance to ever see him, and him replying smoothly that yes, he did know that. knowing that he didn't want to see me, not when it was his last chance to do so, not ever. and then those words. i wish you all the best.
those words will haunt me for the rest of my life. that feeling, on the other hand, seems to have taken a backseat.
the problem is, i don't know if this is because i love him less, or because i've just become numb to it. like pressing a bruise over and over until eventually it just stops hurting.
it doesn't hurt like that anymore. now it's more of a dull ache, a nausea; still in my throat and my stomach and my heart, but not with the severity of old times. not enough to knock me off my feet, to make me flinch, to make me lose my composure. the last time i had that stabbing feeling, was tonight, at my own thoughts, and before that; september 15, 2007. making it absolutely clear to him that i was leaving the next day, that it would be the last chance to ever see him, and him replying smoothly that yes, he did know that. knowing that he didn't want to see me, not when it was his last chance to do so, not ever. and then those words. i wish you all the best.
those words will haunt me for the rest of my life. that feeling, on the other hand, seems to have taken a backseat.
the problem is, i don't know if this is because i love him less, or because i've just become numb to it. like pressing a bruise over and over until eventually it just stops hurting.