Jun 23, 2007 19:29
perhaps i should explain.
i had a film exam in the am and it went alright, good, even. the first question was a good one and i'd say i did pretty well. you watch though, the law of sod will give me a low mark now. anyway. problem.. i spent too long on it, leaving me with about twenty minutes to write the second essay in. i rushed it; i shouldn't have, i didn't finish it anyway. and i'm sure the fact i rushed meant it wasn't as good as it could have been. but nevermind. half of the exam went well at least. oh, except for when my phone went off. yeah, i'm a twat. i was searching for it in my bag before we went in and i couldn't find it.. but i was like ah, it doesn't matter anyway cause it's on silent. but no.. i had to have my fucking alarm set from the day before, didn't i. so halfway through, my alarm went off and i had to go out in front of everyone to turn it off. they had to file a report on it and worst case scenario, i get disqualified, although they said it's unlikely as it didn't really disrupt anyone and it wasn't on my person.. just in my bag at the front of the room. but still. i could kick myself.
fast forward to the pm. english. i was tired and i had the worst stomach cramps. i got an alright question for blake, that i thought i was prepared for. apparently not. i managed to churn out the context half of it, but without any language and poem analysis, your essay is nothing. shakespeare was even worse. i managed to remember one quote for each essay. ONE. people keep telling me, "oh, i'm sure you'll be pleasantly suprised" but no. i've done english for long enough to know when an essay is good, okay, dodgy, or just a plain FAIL. both of mine were the latter. i wrote around a page and a half for each essay. no quotes. that, is a surefire fail. i needed forty marks to get me a C; there were forty in each paper. there's no way i did well enough in the war paper to get full marks. so.. situation: unless i do amazingly well in film (unfuckinglikely), i'm not going to uni.
i know there's clearing. but what are the chances of there being a place on the journalism course at roehampton? i could always settle for my insurance choice, or even just another university.. but honestly i have my heart set on roehampton. this is such gash. i have applied to college again for september, on the not-so-offchance that i don't get good enough grades for uni. i'll re-take A2 english lit and probably take AS+A2 government & politics all in one year. if i get less than an A for film, i'll probably re-take this year of that also, because i know for a fact i'm capable of an A. of course, this is all assuming they let me return to college considering my track record with attendance..
i have one exam left, on monday. film. and then only time will tell. who knows, maybe i'll do okay in film. but i'm not holding out much hope. and i'm not pitying myself. it's all my own fault, after all.
i am nineteen in three months and i don't want to grow up, or face responsibilities, or have to do something with my life.
i can't help but feel mark gives even less of a shit than normal either.
i don't even feel upset. just majorly.. fed up. despondent. not like i want to cry, but just like i want to sleep, forever, and let life fuck off for a while. a LONG while.
i hate when i don't end entries sufficiently. but i can't think of any way to end this one.