(no subject)
i am not my usual self, of late. i am.. happy. sortof. happier than usual. content? is probably the word. i seem to be busy most days and it's not quite a life, it's not quite social, but it keeps me going. work is really good, me and sarah are like normal friends now and i've left scholl for good. i have finished all my film coursework (whether it's any good is another matter altogether) and am doing BARE revision for exams. i think i might actually be getting somewhere, too. tomorrow we are going to the imperial war museum in london (ahh, the benefits of doing english lit) and i am actually too excited.. how sad am i? war stuff is so interesting. i so hope my grrls get their acts together and want to go to auschwitz later this year. i have made preparations for the possibility of bad exam results: i am applying to tresham again for september. i don't have to choose subjects yet or anything so it's all good. if i get lower than a C in either of my subjects, i'm going to re-rake the second year. and then do government & politics as and a2 all in one year. maybe media studies or history too. i am DETERMINED to go to roehampton. other possibilities are.. getting a job for a year and doing an a-level evening class. but there are few around, most are arty things which i don't want to do. or travelling. i could travel, assuming i actually manage to save some money before september. i suppose it's all a bit haphazard really. but i have my heart set on getting results and residing on that gorgeous campus. so.. fingers crossed, i suppose.
i saw mark on friday. finally. it's weird how you can not see someone for so long and then when you do see them it's as if no time has passed at all. we're both still the same. i'm still in love with him. he's still not caring. he still has no idea what to do with his life, so i suppose we are similar in that respect. it's still just as good as it was before. i don't know. i didn't have some big rush of emotion when i saw him or anything. maybe a little stomach-flip and rush of excitement. but nothing overwhelming. but.. i guess it's deeper than that. i just know, when i see him, that it's him. he's the one.
nostalgia has been playing it's bittersweet tune near me recently too. a couple of times i have been over to maddie's or marian's and had to walk through the field near the pavilion. my mother has driven me past our old house and past the dinosaur park. i have walked to school with maddie as if i still went there, but then parted ways at the entrance. it's so saddening, but overwhelming how familiar it all is..yet so far away. when we drove past my house i felt as if it was still mine and i could just be running across the road to sit at the dino park like i used to. or walking past the lake to get to maddies. of course moving here has made me who i am today and if i'm honest.. i don't think my life would be much different if i hadn't. if it was, it would only be down to my friendship with maddie & co. a memory keeps playing over in my mind of year eight, before we became friends.. science class and i was in a group with tom allen and jake (woe is me). they said to me.. 'aimee.. do you actually have any friends in this school besides layne' and i answered indignantly, 'yes' even though i didn't, really. they replied, 'no' and laughed. i wasn't any different back then. still just as quiet and unable to socialise. so yes.. maybe moving here was better for me. but i do wish we hadn't. i suppose you just have to believe that the grass is greener, otherwise what else is there?
eunan messaged me the other night as well and i stayed up talking to him until like 6am. he was very drunk and he said a lot of things that i knew weren't true but of course i wanted to believe. of course the next day he came on again and apologised and didn't remember a thing he'd said and it was all gone again. i do miss him, i suppose it's the same as any close online 'friendship' you have.. once it starts falling to pieces you try and rescue it even though you can't, and then it's gone. and for a while you miss it terribly, and then it gets better and you just about forget, occasionally thinking, 'woah! remember him?' and that's when you wish oh! so fervently that it was still alive. and that just gets worse when you speak to them after so long. three to four years, it must have been. and it's a shame, because i did like him, a lot. and we did get on really well. i don't quite remember what happened, but i guess i fucked it up because i think he just stopped speaking to me quite as much. every day became most days became some days became once in a blue moon. there's nothing you can do, but i wish there was, because like anything you lose without wanting to, i do miss it, a lot.
i saw mark on friday. finally. it's weird how you can not see someone for so long and then when you do see them it's as if no time has passed at all. we're both still the same. i'm still in love with him. he's still not caring. he still has no idea what to do with his life, so i suppose we are similar in that respect. it's still just as good as it was before. i don't know. i didn't have some big rush of emotion when i saw him or anything. maybe a little stomach-flip and rush of excitement. but nothing overwhelming. but.. i guess it's deeper than that. i just know, when i see him, that it's him. he's the one.
nostalgia has been playing it's bittersweet tune near me recently too. a couple of times i have been over to maddie's or marian's and had to walk through the field near the pavilion. my mother has driven me past our old house and past the dinosaur park. i have walked to school with maddie as if i still went there, but then parted ways at the entrance. it's so saddening, but overwhelming how familiar it all is..yet so far away. when we drove past my house i felt as if it was still mine and i could just be running across the road to sit at the dino park like i used to. or walking past the lake to get to maddies. of course moving here has made me who i am today and if i'm honest.. i don't think my life would be much different if i hadn't. if it was, it would only be down to my friendship with maddie & co. a memory keeps playing over in my mind of year eight, before we became friends.. science class and i was in a group with tom allen and jake (woe is me). they said to me.. 'aimee.. do you actually have any friends in this school besides layne' and i answered indignantly, 'yes' even though i didn't, really. they replied, 'no' and laughed. i wasn't any different back then. still just as quiet and unable to socialise. so yes.. maybe moving here was better for me. but i do wish we hadn't. i suppose you just have to believe that the grass is greener, otherwise what else is there?
eunan messaged me the other night as well and i stayed up talking to him until like 6am. he was very drunk and he said a lot of things that i knew weren't true but of course i wanted to believe. of course the next day he came on again and apologised and didn't remember a thing he'd said and it was all gone again. i do miss him, i suppose it's the same as any close online 'friendship' you have.. once it starts falling to pieces you try and rescue it even though you can't, and then it's gone. and for a while you miss it terribly, and then it gets better and you just about forget, occasionally thinking, 'woah! remember him?' and that's when you wish oh! so fervently that it was still alive. and that just gets worse when you speak to them after so long. three to four years, it must have been. and it's a shame, because i did like him, a lot. and we did get on really well. i don't quite remember what happened, but i guess i fucked it up because i think he just stopped speaking to me quite as much. every day became most days became some days became once in a blue moon. there's nothing you can do, but i wish there was, because like anything you lose without wanting to, i do miss it, a lot.